Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.
One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.
This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.
“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”
Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.
I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.
It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life.
During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.
The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.
He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.
There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.
Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.
An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.
I think it can’t be more plain than that.
We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,
or a reluctant yes.
We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!
Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all.
Now rape and sexual abuse occurs within intimate relationships in the form of sexual coercion. It’s disgusting. It’s perversion. It’s the opposite of loving your partner.
My husband is the type of abuser who deludes himself with the lie that abuse is only hitting someone, or violently raping them. Of course he needs to believe that. He can’t handle knowing all his chosen actions of emotional, psychological and sexual abuse are abuse. He’s a coward. He hates women and treats them with contempt, with zero respect and as ‘objects/things’.
My marriage led to my PTSD breakdown 6 years ago.
My marriage caused by vasovagal nerve damage. I have medical evidence. I am disabled as a result of all the abuse in my marriage.
I am still digesting this. Still dealing with my emotions. Managing my interactions with him and keeping him away when I am really ill.
Please know if you have suffered sexual coercion – please don’t minimize it. Please don’t make excuses for the abusers. The abusers could have chosen to treat their partner with respect and dignity. There is no excuse. Even if the abuser tries to make excuses.
I was too scared to say no – because my life was made worse if I did. The narcissistic tantrums used were done to manipulate me into giving in. He pathetically acted like he was the victim because I was with-holding sex. But not wanting sex with him was one of the most healthy things I’ve ever done. He’s tried to say it’s my fault for not trying harder to stop him. But that is simply more psychological abuse. As had been agreed by my counsellor.
“It is never up to a victim to stop the
abuser abusing them.
It is the abusers responsibility to
stop themselves abusing”
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
No-one who loves someone will coerce them into unwanted sex. No-one has a right to someone’s body – no matter whether in a relationship, married etc.
Please treat yourself with the self compassion you need. Please be gentle with yourself. Please keep yourself safe. Please seek professional help if you need it.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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