My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family. Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.
Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay. Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.
Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.
Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.
I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago
and I’m still not okay. I have a huge headache. My heart rate is still higher than it should be and my dizziness is pretty bad from the vasovagal attack. My anxiety is soaring from the PTSD. The near crash keeps flashing in my mind.
I’m doing all the things I should do. Rest. Breathe. Tell myself we are safe. Write this blog to help deal with it. But I’m also allowing myself to feel the emotions that are normal. Not the ‘you must focus on the positive’ BS that many would say I should focus on. Suppressing needed emotions is not healthy. I learned that the hard way.
Hoping I don’t have nightmares tonight. That always happens whenever there is any traumatic or highly stressful situations.
Hope this doesn’t trigger other trauma flashbacks, nightmares etc. That often happens too.
I’ve learned to live with severe PTSD. It’s not going away and after a lifetime of severe abuse and trauma, it’s a miracle I am still here.
I don’t shame myself for not ‘recovering from PTSD’ the way some proclaim everyone can. It’s not correct. Some can recover and some won’t. There’s no shame in being the latter.
My life is far too stressful to recover. That’s the reality I live with daily.
I focus on managing my physical and mental health issues, as best I can.
And that’s good enough.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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