I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others.
These are some post from April 2019…
My emotional boundaries rock!
Especially compared to a few years ago, when I was struggling to believe I even deserved boundaries.
It was several years of digesting that I don’t deserve to be hurt by others, before I truly started to implement boundaries and standing for what I believe in and my truth.
But, I got there!
Now, I protect myself in a way that I have never known.
And it feels really good.
It’s taken a lot of hard worth, soul searching and healing to get to this point.
But, it’s possible and it’s so worth the hard work!
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
It was a significant part of my healing, when I realised no-one else gets to make assumptions or have opinions about my abusers.
Only ‘I’ get to have opinions about them.
Only I was there, only I experienced the abuse, only I know their motivations, how intentional the abuse was and whether the abusers knew how cruel they were being.
I don’t accept anyone else’s excuses for my abusers, or attempts to suggest my abusers were ‘mentally ill’, or any other justification, or minimizing of the abuser’s toxicity.
I also don’t accept anyone’s opinions on whether my views about my abusers are right, compassionate enough, or any other issues people may have.
Other people’s assumptions are rarely for my benefit. They are mostly for the benefit of the person with the opinions.
And quite frankly – how does anyone really feel they can have an opinion on abusive people they have never met, who’s abuse they did not personally endure and when they don’t personally feel all the consequences and pain the abusers caused….?
Yet….. so many people have felt entitled to their ‘opinions’ and in the process tell me I am wrong.
I ignore them all and stay strong and true to my insight, truth and knowledge – as the only person with a right to an opinion – the one who endured the abuse.
And my life has become a little better since coming to this realisation and wisdom.
Truth time post…..
It’s interesting when people comment on posts on my page – criticising me for not stating enough for their personal needs.
I don’t know everyone’s own individual needs.
No-one should suggest I should meet the needs of every survivor out there.
I have a website packed with info I’ve spent years developing – which people can make the effort to read – rather than expect to be spoon fed info.
When people criticise what I do – they are being very selfish, very lazy and quite frankly – I don’t have time for such people.
I’ve never stated my work will cover every type of trauma, every consequence of trauma.
I’ve never stated my work is what every single person will need.
But, I’ve spent years researching and if I can do that – so can anyone else.
People need to start being proactive in their own healing, rather than criticising another survivor for not being everything every person needs and not spoon feeding them info.
PTSD and Complex PTSD are normal reactions to enduring abnormal traumatic experiences.
We are not meant to endure severe trauma.
But, we survived and that takes a lot of strength.
Instead of beating ourselves up for having PTSD, we should focus on how much we have survived and how amazing we are!
Lilly Hope Lucario
I always know I’m dealing with an unhealthy, non empathic, non insightful person…. when they assume the right to put a timeframe on someone’s healing and grieving, particularly when wrongly assuming fast healing is ‘strength’.
And when they assume you should put a positive spin on what you suffered, no matter how heinous.
This is called toxic positivity and people who engage in this, really need to be quiet.
One of the most helpful parts of having (female) lawyers helping me with all my paperwork over the last few weeks for court regarding domestic violence – has been seeing their visible disgust at the abuse I’ve endured.
It’s so validating seeing normal human reactions to heinous abuse such as rape, financial abuse, ongoing psychological abuse etc.
It’s always been very triggering when people have no reaction – as this reflects the abuser’s callous disregard. Or worse they default to minimizing the abuse.
Complex trauma survivors need to see normal human reactions of disgust, shock, anger.
It helps validate just how heinous the abuse and the abusers are.
Only A Healthy Relationship Is Considered ~ Lilly Hope Lucario
A person who cares about you and respects you – wants to know your needs and how to help you in a collaborative manner.
When appropriate timing – they will respectfully enquire about your life, ask questions, want to know how your life has affected you and show compassion for any suffering you have endured.
They will be sensitive to you needing time to build trust and develop emotional and physical intimacy.
Their love for you will motivate them to improve your life, whilst also ensuring healthy boundaries and their own self care.
They will also respectfully seek for their healthy needs to be met, ensuring a caring two-way relationship develops.
And this is how to discern a healthy, caring, empathic, genuine person.
This is what a healthy relationship looks like.
This is the only type of relationship I will allow in my life.
People with personality disorder traits, will often expect people to tolerate their abusive choices and behaviors. Let’s be really clear – no-one should have to tolerate abuse.
No-one deserves abuse.
A personality disorder is not an excuse for abuse.
What someone endured in their past is not an excuse for abuse.
When people expect others to tolerate their toxic selfishness, their anger, their manipulation etc ….. this is abuse.
If it’s in an intimate or family relationship – it’s domestic violence.
Domestic violence perpetrators often have personality disorder traits and often refuse to take responsibility for their abuse and believe the victim(s) should tolerate it.
This is never okay, never justifiable and no-one should be encouraged to tolerate it.
Good people deserve loving, caring respectful relationships and nothing less should be tolerated.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
Ongoing Denial Of Abuse Is Further Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario
Every single day an abuser denies the abuse they inflicted – is more abuse.
It’s psychological abuse when the pain and suffering caused is denied, or minimized, or justified – in any form.
Most abusers are cowards and will deny they have made choices to abuse someone.
But make no mistake – their ongoing refusal to admit the abuse is further abuse.
And survivors have a right to their emotions about this.
Don’t shut down a survivor when they say they are still being abused – because they have every right to state this fact.
Abusers don’t get the right to state how a victim should feel about the abuse, or what they should say about the abuse.
Victims get to say how they feel. Period.
If a victim says they felt terrified by an aggressive act chosen and perpetrated by the abuser….. the abuser doesn’t get to say their behaviour wasn’t terrifying.
If a victim says the ongoing psychological abuse had a life impacting and negative impact on the survivor’s wellbeing…… the abuser doesn’t get to say the victim is exaggerating.
Abusers try to control the victims in demanding how they think a victim should react, should feel, should think and what they should say.
This is further psychological abuse.
Only the victim gets to decide how the abuse impacted them and how they feel about it and what they tell others.
There are people who don’t believe having affairs is abuse and don’t believe it’s domestic violence.
I call bullshit. In many cases there is absolutely abuse.
If a partner is lying about an affair, if they are being devious in sneaking around, if they are failing to use contraception while having affairs, if they are spending money to have the affair, if they are calling their partner stupid, irrational, crazy for their suspicions….. this is abuse.
Also the betrayal is abuse.
Affairs are about far more than just the act of saving sex with someone else.
It’s also about all the behaviours surrounding the affair and very often these are very abusive.
Quite frankly, I don’t care if an abuser is ‘diagnosed’ as a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath etc. I’ll call them what I want.
I don’t care if their traits are severe enough to be diagnosed. Most are never diagnosed because they don’t seek help and they lie and manipulate any mental health professionals anyway.
If someone has ongoing traits and behaviors that are highly abusive and typical of these personality disorders – then they are toxic and harmful and they have inflicted abuse and suffering and that makes them vile.
This issue some have about using the terms ‘narcissist’ and ‘sociopath’ without a ‘diagnosis’ is pathetic.
Let’s concentrate on the abuse perpetrated and allow victims the right to label it how they deem fits the abuse they endured.
Let’s focus not on whether a victim should label an abuser a ‘narcissist’….. and instead focus on the abuser behaving exactly like a narcissist and how wrong that is.
I may add to this, if I write anymore posts on my Facebook page in April.
It’s all part of the deeper aspects of healing, and taking back my power and control.
Healing is about far more than managing symptoms.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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