Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse – where the perpetrator is twisting the reality of the victim’s situation, to cause them confusion, make them doubt themselves, doubt their perception of what is occurring, make them feel like they are going crazy, wear them down and continue to abuse them.
Gaslighting is very common with psychological abusers. My ex is a psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuser. He’s also highly narcissistic and sociopathic.
For a large proportion of our marriage, he sexually abused me. He bullied, harassed, coerced and abused me into unwanted sex. It was very clear to him that I did not want to have sex with him, because he frequently complained and got angry about the lack of sex. He created a terrible situation where my life was made far worse, if I did not give in to his demands. If I stopped him, pushed him off during the sexual assault, he would get very angry. He was relentless. Callous.
He abused me from day one, with continual lies, acting like he cared, manipulation and toxic selfishness. This chronic abuse, resulting in me no longer wanting any sexual contact with him. Which I had every right to not want. No-one is obligated to provide sex, and especially not when they are being abused. And no-one is owed sex, particularly when they are relentlessly abusing that person.
During this sexual abuse, he made me feel like ‘I’ was the problem. How dare I not want sex with him! How dare I refuse him! What a terrible person ‘I’ was. He even acted like he was ‘the victim’, in me not giving him what he wanted. His attitude was that he was given all this great sex at the beginning of our relationship (which was only due to all his lies) and then I ‘took that sex away from him’. So it was all my fault – in his twisted warped mind. He refused to consider his terrible actions and abusive choices had brought on this need in me to keep him away from my body. He never considered that was my right. He never considered he was responsible. He never took accountability. He never considered the coercion and bullying to be wrong. All of these being common traits and behaviours of narcissism and sociopathy.
What was even worse, was he referred to the sexual abuse he coerced me into, that caused me physical and emotional pain and disgust – as ‘making love’. He considers coercing a child sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex, manipulating me, plying me with alcohol, bullying me, harassing me relentlessly into rape – as ‘making love’.
It wasn’t making love at all. It was vile heinous abuse. Just because he enjoyed raping me, somehow in his perverted mind – still classified as a form of love. Or at least that’s what he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to know ‘he’ was enjoying it.
And a lot of sex abusers that abuse in relationships, believe the sexual assaults and rape – are ‘love’. Paedophiles also often choose to believe this about the sexual abuse to children.
The mind of a sex offender is a vile, dark place.
Calling rape/sexual abuse ‘making love’ – was gaslighting the ongoing abuse, into something completely different to what the reality actually was.
The victim blaming he chose to inflict, was all part of this psychological abuse.
Making himself into somehow being ‘the victim’ was psychological abuse.
This ongoing sexual abuse and the other forms of psychological abuse, coercion and control made me really ill, develop PTSD, vasovagal syncope, and literally question my sanity. I was suicidal. I couldn’t handle the depths of emotional pain I felt. And he showed no remorse, no shame, no guilt. Still doesn’t.
But, now I know the truth. I know I am far from insane. I am not crazy a all. I am very aware of exactly what he did, why he did it and why he will never change.
I know the full reality. I know the depths of trauma processing I have done in counselling, has enabled me to see the situation very clearly.
Crystal clear perception of the true reality.
I was manipulated and abused for 18 years, over 10 of that – sexually abused. And the gaslighting was intentionally inflicted – to keep me from knowing the truth, to enable him to continue abusing me and he has no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame, no moral code, no moral integrity, no awareness of what love actually is and he is vile and heinous. And I am absolutely entitled to feel that way about him.
I don’t forgive him. I don’t have compassion for him. Not anymore…. because he abused and exploited my compassion and he continues to abuse me now – via his lawyer and financially. And that’s also abuse to our children.
But, I am healing. Healing in ways I never realised was possible. Something he can’t take away from me.
And I will always have and be everything he’s not – empathic, kind, caring, honest, unselfish, with beautiful relationships with each of my sons, moral integrity, a well developed conscience and a really great future, with love and all I do deserve.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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