Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


The Most Terribly Abused & Abandoned Child ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

child scared 2-001

Unless someone has experienced this, they will not fully comprehend how terrible a childhood like this, is for a vulnerable child. Or comprehend the life impacting consequences of this.

To not have one safe, caring adult in a child’s life, means the child is terribly abandoned and always unsafe.

No wonder the child grows into an adult who has such deep trust issues, and never feels ‘safe enough’. Continue reading


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The Inner Child -v- Grown Woman Conflict… Rages On ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have a situation going on – where the inner child in me, is devastated.

Heartbroken.

Desperately wanting to reach out to someone I cared about, and knowing I can’t.

Someone I thought cared about me. But, now I know – didn’t.

I have abandonment depression (as so insightfully described by Pete Walker) and I am aware how painful it is, and the valid reasons for it.

Every time I check my emails – I know there is a part of me – desperately wants to see an email from this person. Desperate for something…. anything. Any scrap of attention – even if it’s to be angry with me. And so sad every time I see there is nothing.

My inner child in me wants to reach out to this person ……… and the 45 year old woman in me – knows I can’t and knows I have to grieve – and that person is gone.

I wrote a poem a few years ago – that fits exactly how my inner child feels.

Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core

.

To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me

.

‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart Continue reading


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The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.

I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”

My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.

But, did I?

It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.

I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.

I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.

sad-woman

 

I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?

But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.

It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.

And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.

I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.   Continue reading


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The shame of attachment to your therapist

I thought my current painful emotions, were grieving and feeling abandoned. Until reading this..

“The shame that often goes with strong attachment to your therapist. Shame is a sad consequence of trauma. There is no reason to feel ashamed of caring about a person who has been very helpful to you. The reason for the shame is usually that, long ago, a child yearned for closeness with someone who could not or would not give it. Faced with repeated rejection, we naturally internalize the value that to yearn is bad. The conscience then generates feelings of shame every time we find ourselves having longing feelings.” (link at end of blog)..

Now,  after reading this, I realise there are also deep feelings of shame. I did try to voice my feelings, and completely humiliated myself. I realise the feelings of humiliation, are shame.

I would do anything to take back what I said. I should have kept those feelings to myself.

I think there are many areas of shame, due to my childhood, that I have not dealt with.

And now I have no-one to talk about them to. Continue reading


Dealing with hurt & grieving, by honoring my valid emotions ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Often people feel their ‘negative’ emotions, are wrong, bad, weak. This is wrong. Emotions are valid, needed and without expressing them, we do not heal.

I am currently grieving the loss of a significant relationship. One I did not think would end for a long time yet.. But one, with reflection, I can see was going to end. And in the way it has.

I am feeling that loss. In the deep and painful way, I always feel loss, grieving, abandonment, hurt.

tears

 

I have finally got to that place, where I no longer feel weak, for having these intense emotions. They are part of who I am. They are why I am empathic. They are why I care so much and they motivate me to try to help others.

My intense emotions, are not weakness. I don’t hurt anyone when I feel them. I don’t hold onto them indefinitely.

But, I honor my capacity to feel emotions deeply.

They are a strength, not a weakness.

So, I have learned to accept them and not push them down or away.I have learned to feel them.

I have learned when I feel I would rather be dead, this is simply a way I cope due to the severity of my trauma history. No-one would want to endure anymore trauma, following decades of suffering.

I have learned to have self care, while these deep emotions are being felt.

I am allowed to grieve the loss of a significant relationships. I am allowed to feel hurt, abandoned and cry.

I am allowed to let this grieving period, take as long as it takes.

I know I’ll survive this. I always do.

My record for surviving pain, suffering, loss and trauma…. is 100%.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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How have you not ended up in a mental asylum?

I have been asked this question many times.

I have been through a massive amount of trauma, certainly enough to no longer be here, or have been admitted to hospital. I have been told in counselling, I am a walking miracle.

I should give myself credit, that I haven’t been in hospital.

And this is not meant in any way as disrespect to anyone who has been admitted and required inpatients residential treatment. I have great compassion and non judgment for anyone’s journey.

This is simply an acknowledgment of my inner strength, to keep myself to a point of not becoming so mentally ill, that residential treatment becomes necessary.

I do believe for my journey, it has been about inner strength. I have a severe mental health disorder, that could easily decline into psychosis and losing touch with reality to a point where I need residential treatment to manage it. Continue reading