Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The Most Terribly Abused & Abandoned Child ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

child scared 2-001

Unless someone has experienced this, they will not fully comprehend how terrible a childhood like this, is for a vulnerable child. Or comprehend the life impacting consequences of this.

To not have one safe, caring adult in a child’s life, means the child is terribly abandoned and always unsafe.

No wonder the child grows into an adult who has such deep trust issues, and never feels ‘safe enough’. Continue reading


The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.

I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”

My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.

But, did I?

It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.

I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.

I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.



I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?

But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.

It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.

And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.

I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.   Continue reading


Humility, grace, forgiveness.. & some trust built.

It’s been a rough few weeks. Totally overwhelmed with different issues to deal with.

One being the issues with my counsellor, where I screwed up and made assumptions, that provoked fear…. and I handled it really badly. But, have since apologised, written about this and been upfront about why this occurred.

I talked again today with my counsellor, about this. I apologised again and explained further. She was glad I sent her the link to the blog, where I wrote what had happened and why. She does understand my fear of trusting the wrong people and my self protection mode that I clearly still can revert to, when dealing with fear related issues.

She was very gracious and understanding. And told me I didn’t need to apologise again. She definitely models forgiveness and grace, well. And she was very encouraging of this blog and all I share, and the depth of honesty and capacity to be vulnerable, to have that raw honesty.

We also talked about my experience at the hospital and Continue reading


Fear & Panic Lead to Irrational Self Protection Mode…


Something the last few weeks have taught me (I always try to learn from all experiences)…. is that when I am struggling, I can still revert to self protection mode, that is not always rational.

A perfect example – listening to my counsellor speaking about mental health on a recording I found online. (I’ve blogged about this). I listened to one tiny beginning part ….. heard things that seemed shocking and totally unexpected. I panicked and didn’t listen to anymore, through complete fear I would hear more that would be horrible to hear.

What I heard, also played into my awareness of the issues many church people have of the way they view mental health. Having already been spiritually abused by church people…. I was in a state of shock to hear what I assumed to be the same attitude from my own counsellor. Who I would never have assumed, would have the same abusive attitude.

Fear. Panic. Often can lead to irrational thinking and coping behaviours.

So, in my already low overwhelmed state, I immediately went into panic, walls up, protection mode fully on. I didn’t ask her what she meant by the words I heard. I didn’t listen to the rest of the talk, because I had too much fear of hearing more that would shock me. I just completely assumed she had the same abusive attitude towards mental health, as many church people have.

I confronted her, in a state of mind that was not rational, or willing to listen, because I was so hurt that this woman who I had trusted more than anyone else, believed horrible things, that meant I could not and should not trust her. I’m not good at confrontation. It’s something I find difficult. Probably because all my life – any confrontation that I tried with people who were definitely doing harm – got me more hurt. So I am pretty bad at confrontation – especially when really hurt and fear is motivating my thinking.

I was wrong. Really wrong.

And I am willing to admit when I am wrong. I feel really bad for how I reacted and spoke to her. It doesn’t sit well with me, to treat anyone inappropriately. No matter the reasons. Continue reading

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Sure is my ultimate fear now…being vulnerable, getting hurt and being abandoned.


I can intellectually and rationally explain why this is my greatest fear, what caused this, how to address it and what is needed to manage and cope with this….

But, when I am hurt, get triggered, in emotional flashbacks….this fear is so great within me…burned into my very core and every fibre of my being….this fear over-rides everything.

I have to accept I have endured so much trauma, from so many people, that this is my normal state of being….fear. And it drives me to life threatening emotional states.

Trauma over the last few years, has damaged my healing, damaged further any capacity to trust and I have to take it easy and slowly heal all this.

I know I need to stay away from potentially toxic and traumatised/triggering situations/people.

I won’t heal, unless I start doing all of what I need.