Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Dealing With Complex PTSD Suicide Ideation & Thoughts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since being a teenager. My first attempt was around the age of 13 years, due to such heinous abuse I was enduring. And it wasn’t a cry for help, or attention seeking. I really wanted to die.

I’ve had Complex PTSD since being a child. The hyper-vigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the terminal aloneness and hopelessness, the threat of impending doom, and the suicidal thoughts have been in my life for 4 decades.

I think the suicidal thoughts can be due to wanting the terrible pain to end and also knowing I can end my life if it becomes too much – as a way out. It’s like an unhealthy coping strategy.

I’ve suffered heinous sexual, emotional, psychological abuse from being a young child onwards.

My mother was a heinous woman who exploited me to be sexually abused by the ‘family friends – paedophiles, sex offenders, psychopaths. And decades of abuse after that.

The emotional pain and suffering cannot be understood unless it’s been endured.

This year is a really bad year. My ex husband died, shortly followed by my mothers death. I’ve got serious health issues. And I’ve had come to terms with knowing my husband is a dark triad domestic violence abuser.

And there’s been huge issues going on in my counselling, where the last time I was suicidal – my counsellor defended my husband and defended his psychopath, sexual deviance, narcissistic behaviours. While I was suicidal. And all because she was pissed at me for calling her names. What has resulted is knowing she does not care about me at all, and never did. She clearly couldn’t have cared less if I had left there and killed myself. And, therefore she is not a safe person to be around when suicidal.

So, I have no-one to contact when suicidal.

Last week I was suicidal. I told my husband to tell my children I died of a heart attack. I think he actually wants me to kill myself, because he would be better off without me. And he could play the grieving widower role, which he would enjoy faking. He’s certainly been provoking me enough to the point where I have told him to find somewhere else to live.

I dealt with these suicidal thoughts alone. I sat with them and willed myself Continue reading


The Most Terribly Abused & Abandoned Child ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

child scared 2-001

Unless someone has experienced this, they will not fully comprehend how terrible a childhood like this, is for a vulnerable child. Or comprehend the life impacting consequences of this.

To not have one safe, caring adult in a child’s life, means the child is terribly abandoned and always unsafe.

No wonder the child grows into an adult who has such deep trust issues, and never feels ‘safe enough’. Continue reading


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The Inner Child -v- Grown Woman Conflict… Rages On ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have a situation going on – where the inner child in me, is devastated.

Heartbroken.

Desperately wanting to reach out to someone I cared about, and knowing I can’t.

Someone I thought cared about me. But, now I know – didn’t.

I have abandonment depression (as so insightfully described by Pete Walker) and I am aware how painful it is, and the valid reasons for it.

Every time I check my emails – I know there is a part of me – desperately wants to see an email from this person. Desperate for something…. anything. Any scrap of attention – even if it’s to be angry with me. And so sad every time I see there is nothing.

My inner child in me wants to reach out to this person ……… and the 45 year old woman in me – knows I can’t and knows I have to grieve – and that person is gone.

I wrote a poem a few years ago – that fits exactly how my inner child feels.

Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core

.

To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me

.

‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart Continue reading


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Abandoning God, in the same way I was abandoned.

(This blog post is purely for my own journaling and not for commenting on).

My crisis of faith, has become an abandonment of my faith. I can no longer reconcile a loving God, with allowing so much suffering, abuse and pain in the world.

I am abandoning my faith, in the exact same way God abandoned me all the way through my childhood and most of my life. He let it all happen. He watched it all. He did nothing to stop it. He clearly did not care. Continue reading