Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


5 Comments

Cancelled My Meeting With The Church Minister – To Protect Myself

I was supposed to meet today with the female minister of the church I take my boys to.  She’s a nice woman. The church seems okay. But, I just can’t talk to anyone. The anxiety I get from thinking about talking to someone and dreading their response, is overwhelming. It literally makes me ill.

I am so unwell, I cannot take anymore minimizing, abuser excusers, people invalidating my pain and projecting their opinions on me – harming me in the process. And their lack of empathy and conscience in the process.

I’ve had that all my life and I am too ill to take it anymore.

The recent issues coming to a very abrupt and traumatic end with my counsellor, has caused so much damage. It took me several years to build up to the point where I could talk about the severity of all the abuse, the toxic and heinous characters of the abusers. To have that minimized and trivialised in the manner it was by my former counsellor and the way it ended, is beyond painful.

To think of yet another person doing more of that – is not something I can ever take any chances on happening again. Especially church people.  And as anyone with any intelligence knows – church people are often the worst for abusing abuse victims with their victim blaming/shaming attitudes.

I am so ill and so broken I am not in a position to take the risk of more trauma. I have to protect myself and withdraw to be safe. To cope. Continue reading

Advertisements


8 Comments

Beyond Broken

Recent events have confirmed that I trust the wrong people, I have a lifelong habit of ignoring red flags in people’s behaviour and I believe people who claim to care – but don’t.

I will never repeat these patterns again…………. because I will never talk to anyone about my trauma and never trust anyone again.

I’ve tried.

I’ve tried to trust people who are meant to be trustworthy.

I’m too ill to keep being hurt. To keep being let down. To keep having people fail me when I really need help the most.  Continue reading


4 Comments

2 Million Views

2-million

 

I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.

Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.

This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.

I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.

I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.

I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.

I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt.  Continue reading


5 Comments

Narcissists, Psychopaths etc – Love To Shit All Over Anything Good For Their Victims

I had something really exciting happen today. A photographer I love has given me the opportunity to watch her work and process sales, all through all her Christmas sessions. The amount I will learn from this is considerable. It is such an amazing opportunity for me, and one good thing happening in my life right now.

When I told my husband, his immediate reaction and look on his face was absolutely resentment. Then he made it ‘all about him’ and negative, by nastily saying, that ‘he’ might not be able to get all ‘his’ shifts sorted around ‘all these dates’. Like I was doing something wrong to ‘him’. Because in his putrid mind – it’s always ‘all about him’. And it’s complete BS, because these dates are enough in advance of the shifts being worked out. He has stated many times his shifts can be worked around any dates that family members need for work or other appointments Plus, he has stacks of annual leave he has to take.

He wanted to make this an immediate negative and make me feel badly about wanting to do this. He wanted me to feel badly about something good for me.

Interestingly, when I told him I don’t care what he needs to do – I’m doing the photography thing and he better get it sorted so he can take care of our young son, he got the time off agreed immediately, with no issues to him at all.

It  was such a clear example of what his heart and soul are truly all about. You scratch the surface and there is nothing but blackness.

He abused me for 17 years – emotionally, psychologically and sexually (all confirmed in counselling as such) – which absolutely led to my breakdown 5 years ago and now my deteriorating physical health, and yet he still resents anything good for me. And clearly has zero remorse or shame for what he has done.

Just an ongoing need to make my life worse. As he has done for 17 years.

And just to kick me more – when he’s already kicked me down – he chose to make a joke this afternoon about all the abuse he’s subjected to. He thinks abuse is funny. He wanted me to know that he thinks all the abuse he subjected me too – is funny to him.

He totally shat all over my only light in this shit life, home and environment I am forced to have to live in, because I am too ill to leave.

I’m going into hospital on Thursday – due to serious life threatening health issues – he is largely the cause of………. and he can’t be happy or even okay – for the one good thing happening in my life right now. Continue reading


4 Comments

Being admitted for cardiology testing next week. Variety of very valid emotions.

Received a phone call from the cardiology department about my admission for testing on my heart/blood pressure issues. So I should be going in, within a few days.

I’m feeling a combination of emotions.

Scared and fearful of what they might find is wrong with me and how serious it is and all the many consequences. I am aware the chronic low blood pressure issue I have is not normal for someone me age and potentially a life threatening health issue.

Angry that all the people who have chosen to abuse me throughout my entire life – and have caused me to have these physical health issues I am now dealing with. I am very aware that it is all the trauma that has impacted my physical and mental health. It makes sense that someone who has been abused so badly, over decades, would have a variety of physical health issues. Trauma affects the physical body, as well as emotional/mental health.

Scared this will impact my capacity to find a job in the future to become independent again and be able to financially support my children.

Really over dealing with health issues that plague my life and cause such a negative impact on my quality of life. And all being caused by abusive people – who could have chosen to treat me well, but didn’t and they had no excuses for what they did.

I’m very aware it is completely okay and normal to feel these emotions, and I’m aware I don’t have to minimize them, or invalidate my own fears and anxiety. I’m trying to do better with not feeling shame about being angry. I have every right to be angry. And suppressing that – would not be healthy.

My doctor/counsellor said she will come and see me in the hospital, which is very kind of her and above and beyond what she needs to do. I am very thankful for that Continue reading


1 Comment

When I’m Struggling – People’s Views About Abusers Are A Huge Trigger & Can Be Too Painful ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

boundaries-do-not-cross

 

Something I have realised over the last 5 years of counselling and processing all the severe trauma I have endured…….. is other people’s views and opinions about abusers can be too hard, too painful and too emotional for me to deal with, particularly when I am struggling.

People are not ‘bad’ people for having their own needed views – and I get people need to believe whatever gets them through. And everyone can choose their beliefs and that’s okay. And I believe that people’s different views are okay for each individual person.

But, some beliefs are far too triggering. They often cause more damage and I’ve realised I need strong boundaries.

When we are struggling, it’s necessary to have boundaries and I know I need to stay away from anything that will push me over the edge.

I’ve learned to have my own boundaries and stay away from reading anything on the internet and social media – that will likely provoke an emotional overwhelm and triggers of the past.

I believe in emotional boundaries – our own to take responsibility for what we expose ourselves to….. and to keep away from other people’s views that hurt.

I’ve learned I can manage my triggers when I am really struggling. Not perfectly – but I am much better at this now. Continue reading