Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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“We Don’t Like To Get Involved In Other People’s Business” – AKA – We Are Selfish To The Core & Don’t Want To Help Others

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My in-laws are visiting at the moment. My husbands whole family are narcissistic, dysfunctional and selfish to the core.

I’ve heard the in-laws make this statement many times “We don’t like to get involved in other people’s business”. But, actually what this really is – is they are utterly selfish, care only about helping themselves, have no compassion and no empathy for others.

Along with all their other delusional beliefs, they actually choose to believe they are ‘good people’ by ‘keeping out of other people’s business’.

Which is complete BS.

I see more and more how selfish people are, and the BS they tell themselves to justify it.

My in-laws refuse to ever look after their grandchildren, refuse to help their adult children in any way, and yet think they are ‘amazing grandparents’. They are not, at all. And there is no evidence to show they are good grandparents, at all. They are completely able to help out in ways many grandparents choose to. But, they refuse to. They have never been good parents or grandparents.

It is amazing just how bizarrely deluded some people are.

Personally, I find selfish people draining and horrible to be around.

They are a waste of space on this earth.

The good people on this earth – care about others and know that…

 Compassion is a verb

– it means you make an effort to help others. And you don’t have to ‘get into people’s business to help them. It’s not an ‘all or nothing’ situation. Continue reading


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So Good To Be Able To Help Teenagers In Need Of Support & Care ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One of my 15 year old son’s friends, was recently chucked out of his home, by his abusive alcoholic parents. He is currently staying with another friends parents home, which I am so thankful for.

When I picked my son up today, I gave his friend a card, with a message inside saying we know he is going through tough times and we wanted him to know he is always welcome at our home too. I wrote our mobile numbers and said he could call us anytime. I also included $50 for him to use, because he left home with very little.

He told me he couldn’t accept the money, but I insisted and I could see he was getting emotional. It took every bit of strength in me to not cry. To know how this boy is feeling, the abandonment, the abuse and trauma he has already endured, has made me very emotional.

I also asked if he and the friend he is staying with, wanted to come with us to basketball at the police run centre we go to every Wednesday after school, and they seemed really keen on that. So that was good. I also said I would talk to the parents where he is staying, to see how we can help.

As I walked away, I could feel the tears starting to fall down my cheeks.

I don’t know the issues going on in this boys parents home, but whatever his parents issues are, they have treated their son appallingly. And abusively. And that is not okay and not justified by their own issues with alcohol.

I want this boy to know there are people who care about him, and for him to know 2 families care about him, is important to a teen who has endured abuse. Especially when the abuse is your own parents. Your parents are meant to be the people who love you, cherish you and protect you the most. Abusive parents fail at this completely. That has deep effects on the child/teen and the adult they become.

Then we called into a fast food place, to get some ice-creams, and a girl I used to care for when she was a young teenager, was outside the fast food place, looking really unwell. She works there after university. I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was ill and had just been told to go home. So, I offered to give her a lift home and said to her she could phone me any time if stuck like that again. Her mum is a single mum, and has lots of problems associated with horrible divorces. When I used to care for this teenager girl and her siblings, she used to tell me all her problems and confide in me. She told my in-laws who were in the car, that I was the person who “helped her most when she was sad and I was like her therapist”. I nearly started crying again. It was clear I was an important part of her life, for the 4 years I cared for her after school and in the holidays. She gave me huge hugs when we got to her house. Continue reading


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Have I Already Cried Enough Tears, Grieved Enough About My Mother? ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I know my mothers death is affecting me more than it appears. I haven’t cried. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel sad. I feel nothing.

But, I know it’s affecting me.

I’m on the internet and social media more than I was.

I’m blogging more than I was.

I’m exhausted and that’s getting worse each day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Despite medication.

All signs that I am struggling. But, without the emotions to go with it.

I’m getting emotional about anything else upsetting.

Like my son’s friend who is 15, being homeless because his alcoholic abusive parents chucked him out this week. Which makes me very angry. Poor kid. Such abuse and abandonment. Fortunately he is staying indefinitely with another of their friends, who’s parents have so kindly taken him in. Which I am so grateful for And I’m going to talk to them tomorrow, to see how I can help. I have a card to give him too, with a message of how is welcome anytime at our place. If he needs anything, to let us know. And some money in the card. I just want him to know there are people who care about him and his wellbeing.

I’ve cried at how this teenager must be feeling. Several times.

I cried at the news about Manchester and the terrorism that claimed so many lives and traumatised many more.

I’ve cried about a story of animal cruelty I read.

But, I cannot cry about my mother. I wish I could and just get over with already. Continue reading


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Healing Is About Transformation Of Self, Not Putting On A Persona Or Identity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Healing is about transformation of self.
That requires us to honesty look at ourselves, our thinking, our behaviours and see how trauma has affected us.
Healing is not about putting on some ‘strong warrior survivor’ identity or persona.
Healing is about getting really real with self, and what needs to change. And continually persisting in making the changes needed, to move towards a better life. With lots of self compassion and patience, along the way. Continue reading


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I Talked Today, About My Counsellor Being The Only Significant Person In My Life – To Model Healthy Boundaries ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago, about feeling very emotional to see my counsellor hug and kiss someone, whilst knowing she never offers this to me. I know now, I went straight to that place of toxic shame, to think that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, that makes me an ‘untouchable patient/client’.

This blog is at https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/05/06/the-shame-hurt-of-being-an-untouchable-client-to-my-therapist-lilly-hope-lucario/

Since, writing that blog, I of course have continued to process this and start to see this from a different viewpoint. I realise, being an abuse survivor – who has been abused so much, that my counsellor needs to model appropriate behaviour, especially with regards to physical contact. To protect her and me.

It is sad to reflect on the fact that no other significant person in my life, has modelled appropriate physical contact with me. Each person has used, abused and mistreated me.

So, whilst I would truly love to have hugs and my hand held by my counsellor, I am in fact, now truly thankful that she doesn’t. It was hard to talk about this, but I needed to. And she handled it really well, and in a really sensitive way.

I know that for her sake and mine, I need really appropriate boundaries modelled. And this includes emotional and physical boundaries.

She did confirm that the person she hugged, was in fact a supervision client. She supervises therapists, for their own counselling, as counsellors. And she confirmed she did feel awkward that this therapist, wanted to hug and kiss on the cheek. So, I do know I assumed this person was a patient like myself. And I was wrong. Continue reading


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Why We Need To Keep Talking About Physical Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I have never been someone to do what’s trendy or popular. I do what I know is needed.

Most abuse conversations now, are about emotional abuse and psychological abuse.

People wrongly go as far as saying they are worse than physical abuse. Yet, physical abuse nearly always occurs with emotional/psychological abuse together. So the victim is enduring several forms of abuse at the same time.

I don’t minimize or invalidate physical abuse.

It is terribly dangerous. Continue reading


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My Narcissistic & Dysfunctional In-laws Are Finally Going To Hear The Truth ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My husband comes from a very narcissistic and dysfunctional family. None of them have any insight into that, and they truly believe they are normal and do no wrong. That is far from the truth.

My husband is highly narcissistic, his sister is a drug addict, his parents are selfish to the core and none of them have any conscience, remorse or shame about anything they do to harm others.

This has all been confirmed in counselling.

Fortunately for me and my children, all of my husbands family live the other side of the world. So we only see them when they come for a holiday.

My in-laws are here now, for a 3 week holiday. Today, is the first day we see them.

Due to counselling and confirming my husbands issues, and the way I have been treated by him and his parents, I am no longer tolerating their dysfunction, or narcissism.

Now, I am confronting it. His parents will be told their son is personality disordered, his personality did not form in a healthy way in his childhood and teenage years. They will be told their son is selfish, a pathological liar, an adulterer, emotionally abusive and never learned to own his wrong behaviours and never learned to have remorse or a conscience. And that this has all been confirmed in counselling. And depending on the way the conversations goes, I will also tell them their daughter is a drug addict.

They won’t like this, but that is their issue to deal with.  I am no longer placating toxic people and no longer enabling them. Continue reading