Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The most scary quote ever….for me now.

This quote raises my anxiety, just reading it. And if I start to think about it, my anxiety shoots up.

I believe this quote, is about being able to receive love, not about giving love.

I can give love, without allowing anyone close enough to me, to destroy me.

I’ve been destroyed, many times over. By people who claimed to ‘love’ me.

It isn’t going to happen anymore. Continue reading


Really sick of hives…having them at home now. They are getting worse.

Over the last few months, I’ve developed hives, whenever I am really stressed.

It started in February, having them when I had to do school runs, and having to see people connected to an abuser every day.

Then it progressed to having hives whenever I went out of the house, but at home – which is my safe place, I didn’t get them.

This week, I’ve started having them at home.

My children are on school holidays, which means added stress, so that’s not helped and led to hives. I also needed to talk to my husband about things he does that I realise are triggering me, and the hives were really bad.

And I’m still getting them every time I go out.

I can’t handle anxiety of any kind anymore. Just life – is now anxiety my body can’t handle, let alone my mind. Continue reading

As the betrayal/hurt/harm continued, the wounds increased to full on isolation.

Isolation, distrust of people in general, avoidance.

I know why I do this – it’s a protection against getting hurt. Born of decades of abuse, from too many people, including all the important people in my life.

I would be stupid to not have a protection system…right.

I have steadily increased in this need. Every time I’ve been hurt – it’s worsened this, and now it’s at the point where I don’t even want to think about it, it is that painful.

I’m afraid of getting hurt, particularly after all the hurt also caused within the last 2 years, from more people I trusted. I’m aware how much all that has affected my healing process and capacity to see society as not ‘dangerous’.

Any amount of hurt now, is too much. Irrational? No – not when you consider the amount of severe trauma and abuse I have been through.

The amount of betrayal I have felt in my life, is significant. And it also like a double whammy of knowing – none of them give a shit – they don’t care how much damage they have all caused. Why would they, I was nothing but prey, to them. And I love them all.

Hurts. Painfully. Deeply.

I am aware that my isolating, my fear of church, my opinion of Christianity – is deeply affected by the last 2 years of my life and all the abuse and harm caused in it.

My isolating, is a life preserving need as I told my doctor – because people’s behaviour can be life threatening to me. I have been hurt too much. The cost is too high. Continue reading


In Trauma Typology for Complex Trauma, I am Freeze with Dissociative Defense

Pete Walker’s information on Complex PTSD, has always resonated with me, and I have always assumed I am a mix of all the different trauma typology response, of flight/fight/freeze/fawn.

But, now there is no doubt that I am freeze, with the main aspects being hiding, isolating, and distracting with far too much time on the internet, watching TV, so I don’t think about the more painful things, to deal with my internal fear and abandonment fear/depression.

All my life, I have withdrawn, isolated and suffered with depression, where I can’t be around people, only since my breakdown in 2012, it has become much worse and now is at an all time full on isolation.

Pete Walker explains…

The Freeze Type and the Dissociative Defense

Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the “off” position.

It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child – “the lost child” – who is forced to “choose” and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type’s defenses develop around classical dissociation, which allows him to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions – any of which might trigger feelings of being re-abandoned.

Freeze types often present as ADD; they seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain-dominant activities like TV, computer and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.

TX: There are at least three reasons why freeze types are the most difficult 4F defense to treat.

First, their positive relational experiences are few if any, and they are therefore extremely reluctant to enter the relationship of therapy; moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate.

Second, they are harder to psychoeducate about the trauma basis of their complaints because, like many fight types, they are unconscious of their fear and their torturous inner critic. Also, like the fight type, the freeze type tends to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than the self, and uses the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. The critic’s processes of perfectionism and endangerment, extremely unconscious in freeze types, must be made conscious and deconstructed as described in detail in my aforementioned article on shrinking the inner critic.

Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation. Because the freeze response is on a continuum that ends with the collapse response (the extreme abandonment of consciousness seen in prey animals about to be killed), many appear to be able to self-medicate by releasing the internal opioids that the animal brain is programmed to release when danger is so great that death seems immanent.

The opioid production of the collapse or extreme freeze response can only take the individual so far however, and these types are therefore prone to sedating substance addictions. Many self-medicating types are often drawn to marijuana and narcotics, while others may gravitate toward ever escalating regimes of anti-depressants and anxiolytics. Moreover, when they are especially unremediated and unattached, they can devolve into increasing depression and, in worst case scenarios, into the kind of mental illness described in the book, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.



Coming to a place of harsh, painful acceptance.

Honesty and acceptance, are harsh realities and I am never one to shy away from, self honesty, self insight, reality.

And no-one knows me, better than I know myself.

People can project their own assumptions and judgments, of how I should heal, whether I should tolerate society more, say I shouldn’t be isolating, whether I am doing what they feel I should be doing.

But, I am not striving to be what other people expect anymore.

I am me. This is it.

I accept that decades of severe cruelty, abuse and trauma, mean I see and know a lot more than many who have not experienced such devastating life experiences.

I accept I cannot trust, or rely on, or expect anything from anyone, because I have a life threatening severe disorder, than means people’s behaviour affects me so painfully, I can want to end my life. And I am sick of feeling like my emotions are wrong. They are what they are, with good reason.

I accept I am who I am for all I have endured. I have endured abuse no person, no child, no adolescent, no adult should ever have to endure. It has wounded me to my core, and the scars remain, and I accept that.

I accept I have a life threatening illness, and I am so scared I will end my life one day, that I HAVE to stay from people, or those suicidal thoughts can be triggered. Continue reading


Forced myself to go out today and it went well and I am so thankful!


After all the research I did (and tears) about the desperately poor people in Nepal, the street children, and all their suffering…

I decided to get dressed and go out. On my own. To the shops.

I haven’t done this for a while now, due to my fear of going out, so it was an effort, but all the while, I had these images in my head of these beautiful street children in Nepal, sick, hungry, malnourished, suffering and the daily need they have to try and scavenge, or beg for food, to survive.

It motivated me considerably.

So went to the shops to buy a few things needed, like pyjama’s for my eldest son – who has completely outgrown and outworn his, and a journal I will be using for my Gratitude Journal, I am starting. Continue reading


I am now everything, I never wanted to be.


Throughout my adult life, I have always been strong, always highly functioning, always worked, always had a life. Not a perfect one, and I’ve made a lot of bad choices, but I always made life everything I could, with what I had at the time.

And as I learned more, I did better. I’ve always wanted to do better. Be a better person.

One thing remained very strong within me – I was never going to let what anyone else had done to me, stop me from living, or ruin my life. I never used my past, as an excuse, never complained about it, I rarely even spoke to my husband about it. He had no clue, my past was as bad as it was, although he knew the bare minimum, and he knew my mother and sisters were very screwed up. But, like everyone, he knew I was ‘different’, but believed I was so strong and had put all that past stuff behind me.

Just like society tells you to. Just like I had to – because I had no support.

So, I worked hard, played hard, did everything to the best of my ability. I am an all or nothing girl, who when something is important – I give it everything I have.

And I never let my past – win. Or so I thought. I had lots of friends, a social life, I loved talking, chatting, helping people. I loved fun and living life to the full, wherever I could. Continue reading


From a great fear of being confined….to then confining myself.


It’s weird how things can travel, when trying to heal from complex trauma. How you can go from a deep fear of a prison made by others to harm me, to a prison of my own.

Having been in captivity as an adolescent, suffering severe abuse daily…my freedom became something I understood the value of, deeply.

Having been confined for 4 years, to a small flat, not being allowed contact with other people, through most of it, and basically being a sadistic psychopath’s sex toy to terrorise, the captivity of those walls, used to make me feel intensely trapped and I had a fear of small spaces and feeling trapped, in many ways.

As a child, around 8 or 9 yrs od, I was also abused by a paedophile, within the small, dark room the abuse occurred. Often the only light, was small cracks in the curtains, or the light from the TV with the porn videos playing that he made me watch. This went on for several years too, and ended when I was about 12.

When feeling highly emotional. triggered, fear, I can still feel the walls closing in on me and the intense need to run and get out.

After the adolescent captivity ended, and for most of my life following all that, I hated being stuck within the confines of anywhere. I was never a homebody, always wanted to be out. I liked having a job that meant I wasn’t confined to an office. Continue reading


I can’t go to Bible study anymore, and that upsets me a lot.

I have been attending Bible studies for a few months now, and regardless of anything else, the Bible teachings are good and I always gain a lot from them.

Having reached out to two people (who both attend this Bible study), about my suicidal state, had them both ignore that since, I feel hurt and that is a normal reaction, I am allowed to have. And I get it, they don’t care and why should they. Why should anyone. No-one ever has.

Now, I won’t feel safe going. It’s my empathic nature to feel hurt deeply and my empathic nature and PTSD, to avoid and withdraw. Continue reading