Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


45 years of abuse and no-one cares.

My entire life has been about enduring toxic people.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles.

45 years.

Not one single person who cares about me.

In 45 years.

No-one cares about the impact on me. How it makes me wish I could die. How I would be dead if it weren’t for my children.

I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me.

It always ‘all about the poor toxic people’. It’s always all about what ‘their’ childhood was like.

And how I am somehow responsible for dealing with their issues and how I am meant to help them.

I’ve been made to be responsible for toxic people, since being a child.

And no-one cares about the childhood ‘I’ suffered through.

That doesn’t matter.

‘I’ never matter.

It’s always all about toxic people.

No-one cares at all, how all the abuse has destroyed my entire life.

No-one cares that every person who has abused me, intended to hurt me. I know they all intended to abuse me. But that doesn’t matter to everyone else.

What happened to me, doesn’t matter.

It’s only ever about abusive, toxic, heinous people. Continue reading


Grieving Having Missed Out On Love ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

In my 45 years on this earth, I have never been in a relationship with anyone who actually loves me.

This song (which I love) – made me reflect on how I have missed out on love, with someone who genuinely cares about me, isn’t using/abusing me, who has my back and is safe.

I don’t know what receiving love feels like.

I don’t know what a safe relationship feels like.

Which is very sad and makes me feel a deep sense of grieving. Continue reading


Terminal aloneness, my constant companion

I have to accept the fact, that I am alone. In terms of people actually in my life, I am completely alone.

I no longer have a relationship with God. My therapy has ended. My husband is completely self absorbed and only cares about himself. My children are children and I treat them as such.

I have friends, but I don’t talk about any of my trauma related stuff. They are superficial relationships. In terms of being connected in any genuine, deep way…. I have no-one. I have no-one who cares about my wellbeing, my healing, my soul.

And I know now, it will never change. I’ve tried and failed. I have to accept I will only have superficial relationships. I will never have what I have always longed for.

The terminal aloneness I feel, is overwhelmingly painful. It makes me have to zone out to cope.

To feel so alone, even when surrounded by people….. is not something anyone should have to endure.


Robin Williams understood this. Continue reading