Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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45 years of abuse and no-one cares.

My entire life has been about enduring toxic people.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles.

45 years.

Not one single person who cares about me.

In 45 years.

No-one cares about the impact on me. How it makes me wish I could die. How I would be dead if it weren’t for my children.

I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me.

It always ‘all about the poor toxic people’. It’s always all about what ‘their’ childhood was like.

And how I am somehow responsible for dealing with their issues and how I am meant to help them.

I’ve been made to be responsible for toxic people, since being a child.

And no-one cares about the childhood ‘I’ suffered through.

That doesn’t matter.

‘I’ never matter.

It’s always all about toxic people.

No-one cares at all, how all the abuse has destroyed my entire life.

No-one cares that every person who has abused me, intended to hurt me. I know they all intended to abuse me. But that doesn’t matter to everyone else.

What happened to me, doesn’t matter.

It’s only ever about abusive, toxic, heinous people. Continue reading


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Grieving Having Missed Out On Love ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

In my 45 years on this earth, I have never been in a relationship with anyone who actually loves me.

This song (which I love) – made me reflect on how I have missed out on love, with someone who genuinely cares about me, isn’t using/abusing me, who has my back and is safe.

I don’t know what receiving love feels like.

I don’t know what a safe relationship feels like.

Which is very sad and makes me feel a deep sense of grieving. Continue reading


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Terminal aloneness, my constant companion

I have to accept the fact, that I am alone. In terms of people actually in my life, I am completely alone.

I no longer have a relationship with God. My therapy has ended. My husband is completely self absorbed and only cares about himself. My children are children and I treat them as such.

I have friends, but I don’t talk about any of my trauma related stuff. They are superficial relationships. In terms of being connected in any genuine, deep way…. I have no-one. I have no-one who cares about my wellbeing, my healing, my soul.

And I know now, it will never change. I’ve tried and failed. I have to accept I will only have superficial relationships. I will never have what I have always longed for.

The terminal aloneness I feel, is overwhelmingly painful. It makes me have to zone out to cope.

To feel so alone, even when surrounded by people….. is not something anyone should have to endure.

robin-williams

Robin Williams understood this. Continue reading