Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.
When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.
It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.
People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.
People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.
I’m past caring now. It is what it is.
I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.
I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me. Continue reading →
I’ve always dealt with everything terrible in my life, completely alone. But most of that, was just about taking care of me.
Now, I have two boys I have to care for. Which is very different. And I desperately wish I had a mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin…. anyone…. to care about me and my boys. To love us.
That deep searing ache in my soul, is so painful I cannot even express it fully.
I feel so terribly sad that my boys don’t have family either. They only have me. And their father. They deserve better than that. More than that. Much more.
I’ve always known how much I miss having family.
But, this is a time in my life, when I feel that terribly desperate grieving.
And I know this grieving is not helped by the grieving of my mothers death a few months ago, and the death of the motherly role I had placed on my counsellor.
I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since being a teenager. My first attempt was around the age of 13 years, due to such heinous abuse I was enduring. And it wasn’t a cry for help, or attention seeking. I really wanted to die.
I’ve had Complex PTSD since being a child. The hyper-vigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the terminal aloneness and hopelessness, the threat of impending doom, and the suicidal thoughts have been in my life for 4 decades.
I think the suicidal thoughts can be due to wanting the terrible pain to end and also knowing I can end my life if it becomes too much – as a way out. It’s like an unhealthy coping strategy.
I’ve suffered heinous sexual, emotional, psychological abuse from being a young child onwards.
My mother was a heinous woman who exploited me to be sexually abused by the ‘family friends – paedophiles, sex offenders, psychopaths. And decades of abuse after that.
The emotional pain and suffering cannot be understood unless it’s been endured.
This year is a really bad year. My ex husband died, shortly followed by my mothers death. I’ve got serious health issues. And I’ve had come to terms with knowing my husband is a dark triad domestic violence abuser.
And there’s been huge issues going on in my counselling, where the last time I was suicidal – my counsellor defended my husband and defended his psychopath, sexual deviance, narcissistic behaviours. While I was suicidal. And all because she was pissed at me for calling her names. What has resulted is knowing she does not care about me at all, and never did. She clearly couldn’t have cared less if I had left there and killed myself. And, therefore she is not a safe person to be around when suicidal.
So, I have no-one to contact when suicidal.
Last week I was suicidal. I told my husband to tell my children I died of a heart attack. I think he actually wants me to kill myself, because he would be better off without me. And he could play the grieving widower role, which he would enjoy faking. He’s certainly been provoking me enough to the point where I have told him to find somewhere else to live.
I dealt with these suicidal thoughts alone. I sat with them and willed myself Continue reading →
In my 45 years on this earth, I have never been in a relationship with anyone who actually loves me.
This song (which I love) – made me reflect on how I have missed out on love, with someone who genuinely cares about me, isn’t using/abusing me, who has my back and is safe.
I don’t know what receiving love feels like.
I don’t know what a safe relationship feels like.
Which is very sad and makes me feel a deep sense of grieving. Continue reading →
I have to accept the fact, that I am alone. In terms of people actually in my life, I am completely alone.
I no longer have a relationship with God. My therapy has ended. My husband is completely self absorbed and only cares about himself. My children are children and I treat them as such.
I have friends, but I don’t talk about any of my trauma related stuff. They are superficial relationships. In terms of being connected in any genuine, deep way…. I have no-one. I have no-one who cares about my wellbeing, my healing, my soul.
And I know now, it will never change. I’ve tried and failed. I have to accept I will only have superficial relationships. I will never have what I have always longed for.
The terminal aloneness I feel, is overwhelmingly painful. It makes me have to zone out to cope.
To feel so alone, even when surrounded by people….. is not something anyone should have to endure.
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
You must be logged in to post a comment.