Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Grieving Having Missed Out On Love ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

In my 45 years on this earth, I have never been in a relationship with anyone who actually loves me.

This song (which I love) – made me reflect on how I have missed out on love, with someone who genuinely cares about me, isn’t using/abusing me, who has my back and is safe.

I don’t know what receiving love feels like.

I don’t know what a safe relationship feels like.

Which is very sad and makes me feel a deep sense of grieving. Continue reading


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Terminal aloneness, my constant companion

I have to accept the fact, that I am alone. In terms of people actually in my life, I am completely alone.

I no longer have a relationship with God. My therapy has ended. My husband is completely self absorbed and only cares about himself. My children are children and I treat them as such.

I have friends, but I don’t talk about any of my trauma related stuff. They are superficial relationships. In terms of being connected in any genuine, deep way…. I have no-one. I have no-one who cares about my wellbeing, my healing, my soul.

And I know now, it will never change. I’ve tried and failed. I have to accept I will only have superficial relationships. I will never have what I have always longed for.

The terminal aloneness I feel, is overwhelmingly painful. It makes me have to zone out to cope.

To feel so alone, even when surrounded by people….. is not something anyone should have to endure.

robin-williams

Robin Williams understood this. Continue reading


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I have accepted my aloneness

lady lying down

It takes courage to accept where you are, what the reality of your life is. And to stop hoping it will change, when it clearly won’t.

I am in a reality where I am stuck.

Trapped.

My children and their needs, have to come before my own.

So I remain within a situation I cannot escape.

And that forces me into further aloneness.

I am not physically alone.

But, I am alone…. emotionally, mentally.

You cannot find deep and genuine adult connections or love, with people who are not capable of them, or with people who cannot return them.

So, I accept my reality.

And I have given up assuming it will change.

I am grieving this reality. Continue reading