Fuck you all – every person who has made me feel ‘not good enough’.

I’ve spent my entire life, around people who deem me ‘not good enough’. Mostly due to their narcissistic needs, selfishness and abusive motivations.

From being a young child, right up and until recently – I haven’t been other people’s version of ‘good enough’.

My ex-counsellor has self serving needs to view abusive people a certain way. This is so she can feel sorry for abusers and provide them with counselling. And she has made it very clear over the last 4 years – anything different to ‘her’ views, is not good enough.

It is interesting that I never talk about revenge, retaliation, karma etc, and I as a result have a healthy level of compassion for abusers such as paedophiles, psychopaths etc…. and yet my beliefs were still not ‘good enough. For her. Because I would not view these sick evil people, in exactly the same way as she chooses to.

When people have a vested interest in needing certain beliefs, they refuse to see outside of that, or have empathy to know someone else can have very valid beliefs.

I have received considerable positive and encouraging feedback about my work. My website, this blog, my social media. Yet, my own counsellor never supported any of it. And the reason – is because I don’t write ‘her’ beliefs, I write about my own. And I have challenged her on many of her beliefs, and I know she is no doubt not used to that.

And my beliefs and understanding have be validated by many other professionals. So, the fact she is a person who chooses to see what I do as worthless, is pretty disgusting.

Why suppressing needed emotions about being harmed/abused, is so unhealthy ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am someone who has been abused and treated badly, by many people. From childhood onwards. And until recently, I never allowed myself to feel the painful emotions about it.

Something I have learned from my journey, is each time I tried to suppress needed emotions about being abused, it made my life worse long term. And made the pain of those emotions when finally felt, so much worse.

And when I do allow myself to feel emotions as they arise, and I don’t suppress them, the processing of them, is less painful and far quicker.

Example…..

I pushed down my needed and healthy emotions about my mother, all my life. And I continued to do this in counselling. By the time I actually allowed myself to feel anger, disgust, repulsion, betrayal, sadness, grieving….. these emotions were so intense it felt unbearable. The reason I suppressed my feelings for so long, was due to shame of thinking so badly about my own mother. When in fact, that shame was not needed. The only shame that should be felt – was by her. And I also felt my counsellor would in some way think badly of me, for being so angry at my mother. I felt she would think I wasn’t being ‘compassionate’ enough. And yet it turned out, she didn’t think that at all. She felt my anger and pain – were totally appropriate for all the intentional suffering my mother caused me.

But, recently I had painful emotions and realisations about my siblings. And instead of pushing these emotions away, or feeling any shame for my emotions, I allowed myself to feel the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the pain and the grieving. And it was a lot less painful than if I had continued to suppress it all and took a lot less time.

The emotions about my mother, took several years to deal with in counselling, due to my suppressing them.

The emotions about my sisters, took a few weeks to deal with.

Huge difference in time and depth of suffering, in dealing with these very appropriate and very healthy emotions.

Having empathy, means feeling anger. And it’s needed.

I am a person with a great capacity for empathy. having empathy, means you feel the full range of emotions, especially for others who are suffering, and about those who cause that suffering.

I am so angry this morning, I’ve ended up sobbing.

People can all too often, be vile, disgusting, abhorrent people.

And too many people lie and deceive about really significant issues, like child abuse.

Makes me so angry, to know how many children are abused and how many adults, knowingly put children in harms way.

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved. No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the name of the author – Lilly Hope Lucario and a clear link back to this blog –  https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/

This includes adaptations in all forms of media

I only started processing anger, when I allowed myself to truly feel it.

Society has a very bad habit of saying some emotions are ‘bad’. Like anger. I see this poor and unwise opinion everywhere.

Even within the mental health profession, there are some lacking in all insight, who believe certain emotions are ‘negative’.

This link explains the ‘myth of negative emotions’.

The Myth of Negative Emotions

I’ve heard it in a church, where being angry equalled to ‘being a child of the devil’. This said by a narcissist, lying, manipulative minister. Of course it’s easy for him to take that shallow, self serving, shame shifting road. When you have no courage, no capacity for honesty – that’s the easy road. That’s the road, many narcissistic people take.

I’ve been told by several abusive people, that being angry is bad, wrong, makes me a bad person. Of course, this was just more toxic abuse. And they spouted this BS, because they knew they were abusers and didn’t want anyone to have normal emotions about what they were doing. So they ‘shame’ their victims, into not expressing it. They shame shift, from themselves, the shame they should be feeling, onto their victims. It makes them feel better – to shame and blame their victim and shame shift. It means they don’t have to deal with the truth of who they really are.

Anger is a needed emotion, and a healthy emotion, about vile abuse people can choose to inflict on others. Anger can be constructive, or destructive. The former, being healthy and needed, with regard to abuse and suffering.

Anger is healthy, it is how we express it that matters. Projecting anger onto people, is not okay. Having uncontrollable rages, is dangerous to self and others. It’s not okay to feel ‘entitled’ to vent anger in a way that is harmful to others. But, being angry, about toxic people and vile abuse, is absolutely needed.

Due to all the shaming I have endured about anger, I have always suppressed it.

Until I could no longer suppress it. Then I had to deal with it. I hated feeling anger. I still had those toxic voices telling me it made me ‘bad’, to feel anger.

But, I came to the point, where I knew it wasn’t ‘bad’ to feel anger. It was absolutely normal. And in fact, I am the normal healthy person for feeling anger. Those who say anger is wrong, are the disordered, unhealthy people.

I haven’t felt this angry for a long time.

I am really angry. Really pissed off. I haven’t felt this angry for a long time. I’m shaking, I’m that angry.

And I’m mostly angry at myself, for tolerating other people’s BS for as long as I do.

 

 

I am so fucking angry. I fucking hate all the fucking evil in this world.

I am aware having PTSD, means my emotions and previous trauma get re-activated when triggered.

The self hatred stuff I felt earlier, turned into feeling angry about those who abused me and caused all of this deep harm in my life I have endured for 43 years. Fucking up my entire life.

Then triggered even further seeing all the Mark Driscoll stuff, which I knew about all along…..all triggering all the trauma and abuse I endured in a church and from a minister. Fucking up my life even more.

Then I read the famous author John Grisham is defending paedophiles, saying watching child porn is okay. Sick bastard. Triggering thoughts of paedophile abuse I have endured.

I don’t want to think about these sick fucking people any more.

I don’t want all this triggered.

I just want to get on with my life and not think about any of it.

I FUCKING HATE PTSD

I FUCKING HATE ABUSE

I FUCKING HATE THAT SICK PEOPLE HURT OTHERS AND DON’T CARE.

I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE ENDURED TOO MUCH OF THIS.

I HATE THIS SICK FUCKING WORLD I HAVE TO ENDURE.

I am reaching new levels of exhausted, due to the depth of my recent emotions.

I can barely type this. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.

Allowing myself to feel the depth of anger and emotions I have recently, is exhausting. I had to go out earlier and I was literally dragging myself around. My husband even said I was ‘not all there’.

I got really angry about my mother earlier. New depths of anger I have never felt.

I know I need to feel this anger. I know I need to get it out of me. I know it is absolutely appropriate to feel it.

But, now I have that nagging little voice within me, saying “your mother is a really mentally unwell woman, so don’t hate her.”

Understanding this quote, is making me really fucking angry….anger I am allowed to feel.

I think about things deeply and process them deeply.

My mother made it clear she wanted me to feel I was bad. That’s why she made me the scapegoat and blamed me for such core level damaging and psychologically painful things, set me up to be sexually abused, so I truly believed I was bad. And within my core, I still do.

All the abuse I have endured in my life is why I have this core belief that I am bad, evil, disgusting, worthless and I hate myself.

It’s why I don’t care enough about self care. It’s no doubt why I am willing to get really hurt, to try and help others. Deep down, I don’t believe I deserve anything different.

It’s like I will re-enact that continual trauma, over and over, to continue the abuse from the past. More people hurt me, supporting the belief inside that I am bad, evil, worthless, only there to be abused.

And my ‘mother’ did this to me.

I’ve had absolutely no-one on my side all my life. There were some for short periods of time, like the police in the court hearing where the psychopath went to prison. But there were never any significant people in my life, providing anything to balance all this abuse.

It is always a relief, to read experts knowledge on Complex PTSD.

“I always feel a relief, from reading trauma expert’s knowledge of PTSD & Complex PTSD.

It helps me realise, I am normal, for all I have endured and my strong emotions, my fears, my reactions, my thoughts – are due to the very abnormal abuse/experiences I have endured.

This is why I share all this, so others feel validated and understand this is normal for all they have endured, also.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

---

I wrote this on my Facebook page today, after having researched info I already knew, but needed to read again. It is vital, that severe complex trauma survivors, know and understand their emotions, fears etc….are all normal for what they have endured.

It is vital for me to know this.

It’s like a form of self soothing.

“I am okay, this is normal for me, there are massive reasons, and none of it is my fault.” 

I’m aware, I have no doubt been in a big emotional flashback, for the last few days. They can last days, weeks even.

I don’t lash out at others, instead I internalise the pain, by lashing out at myself.

I was never ‘allowed’ to be angry, or have any appropriate responses to the vile, painful, disgusting abuse I endured.

I’m still told I am not ‘allowed’ – by society, by church people.

So, I internalize it, into self hate, self shame, depression and suicidal thoughts.

I’ve been told by church people – anger means you are a ‘child of the devil’. Speaking the truth means ‘you are demonic’.

I’ve been told I must not label, or speak badly of my abusers, as that destroys ‘them,’ and that makes ‘me’ bad and instead I should just have compassion and forgiveness, because my feelings, emotions, processing trauma and grieving, don’t matter.

I have endured decades of abuse, and according to others, I am meant to deal with this quickly, for the sake of others, for ‘their’ needs, to make life comfortable and more pleasant, for ‘them’.

To others…

Abuse is far more ‘palatable’ –

If the victims would just ‘get over it’ quicker.