Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I’m So Scared I Have Serious Heart Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sad distance


My blood pressure health issues, are really scaring me. I’ve been saying for months there’s something wrong with me. But having it dismissed as trivial, led me to believe I ‘must’ be irrational.

Then I blacked out, and broke bones in my hand. And strangers to me – doctors in the hospital – were really concerned. My regular GP has arranged many tests and wants me to see a specialist – ASAP. And advised me not to wait on the public health system.

I’ve done a lot of research over the last 5 years. I know the damage toxic stress does to physical health. I know having PTSD all my life, increases my risk for heart disease and other issues – considerably.

I have genetic heart issues in my family.

I know my ongoing tiredness and exhaustion, are further symptoms.

I’m terrified I will need heart surgery, or will have a heart attack, stroke. Die. My children will lose their mother and lose the parent that genuinely loves and cares about their wellbeing.

And I’m not going to feel that’s wrong. I’m allowed to be worried about potential life threatening health issues. I’m allowed to be scared.

A very kind therapist has been offering me support about this, via messages. She understands and had validated my fears, whilst also re-assuring me of all the heart surgeries done every day and how amazing the technologies and procedures are these days. I’ve really appreciated her kindness.

I’m trying to take my mind off it. And everything else that’s horrible, going on in my life. It’s why my internet use has increased, and I’m also Continue reading


So thankful to see my work on ‘High Anxieties’ Website

I had no idea I was recommended and shared, by so many other Websites, as well as by Mental Health Professionals.

Healing From Complex Trauma and PTSD/CPTSD

I will be content with my achievements and remember how far reaching my work is.

I am very grateful to all those who share my work, and recommend it. Continue reading


Drinking less coffee, to help the farmers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I drink too much coffee. I am tired a lot and take medication, that makes me tired. So, I drink too many coffees a day, to keep me awake and give me some energy.

In Australia, it has become apparent that farmers are being ripped off, by the big supermarket chains, who are all competing to sell the lowest cost milk and bread. The home-brands, are causing huge issues for farmers.

I also know there is an increase within the farming community of suicide. For various reasons, this being one of them.

So, bring on a tight budget, we normally do buy the cheapest home-brand milk. But, now we are not. We’re buying brand names, to help this growing and very concerning farmer crisis. We’re also buying fruit and veg, direct from the local seller at my local gardening centre. They sell locally sourced products only. Including ‘real’ eggs, that are genuinely free range.

But, we need to reduce the amount of milk we purchase, because it is almost double the price. Which is not a bad thing. Continue reading

More research showing hitting/spanking children, is abuse.

I will be including all this research in my book. And the next book, on abuse perpetrated by church people.



No anxiety when speaking within a new group setting.

I do not like having to speak in group settings. Especially when they are people I do not know. I get massive anxiety. I don’t like being the centre of attention in groups. I don’t like lots of people looking at me. I got married abroad twice, to avoid being centre of attention.

Yesterday, I went to a meditation with a friend. There was about 25 people. I didn’t know any of them, and the friend I went with, is a new friend I have not known long.

The meditation, was in a former church. There were stained glass windows, with the cross, the Bible and other Christian related images. The meditation people, were clearly Buddhist type people, and having studied Buddhism in the past, I know their language. But, I ignored that and focussed on my own faith. I know these people are probably good, nice  people, just not at the point/stage I am at, in spiritual journey.

The meditation was good. There was a guided body relaxation first, then a guided visualisation. That part was what I had expected. We were asked to visualise a guide as we walked through this path, and through doors, that all represented something in our life. My guide was Jesus. He was holding my hand, throughout this entire visualisation. And it was pretty powerful, particularly about emotions, of anxiety, anger, sadness.

After this, they had a ‘circle’ and everyone had to say their name and what they were doing over Easter. After that, there were two cards to read out. So, I had to speak out within this group, three times.

When I realised I would need to speak, I immediately felt the anxiety rocket. But, I decided to just remain calm, asked Jesus to help me with anxiety and rather than panic, just remain calm and speak. And I did. I spoke calmly, with some humour about eating too much chocolate.

No-one would have guessed I have anxiety about speaking in a group. Continue reading

My ladies group, is going well :)

I decided to set up a ladies group, to meet up for coffee. I am hoping it will be a group where women will have some enjoyment, chatting and possibly making friends. It’s going really well. I’ve arranged two so far, and both have been really great, with a good vibe and good feedback. I can already tell which ladies will become the regular core group ladies.

Some of the ladies are quiet and some are really chatty, which is great, because I don’t feel the need to always keep talking, or be responsible for starting conversation. Which helps with my social anxiety issues. I’m really grateful for the diversity of the group. Continue reading


Church this morning, was interesting…

I am definitely having a ‘crisis of faith’, as some would call it. Which is why I wrote my last post.

We’ve been attending a new church for the last couple of months. It’s been okay, nothing bad/weird has happened. The people seem nice and they leave me alone. Which is good, because my social anxiety issues are at an all time high, and my views about church people and how many handle issues involving abuse/abusers/victims of abuse/children’s safety – very badly – is continually on my mind. And I had decided to take this very slowly. Because church is not a safe place, for me.

In the time we have been going, I’ve been relieved to just have a few polite conversations here and there. And I’ve intentionally made no effort to get to know anyone. I’ve been happy to be left alone. And happy the children’s ministry is where I can see them. So they are not out of my sight.

Today, a woman I have spoken to a few times about youth club ministry, made a point of coming and sitting down and talking to me before the service started. She hasn’t done that before. And at the end of the service, the minister asked me twice, if I was okay. And I can tell she was concerned. As if she knew I am not okay. She hasn’t asked me before if I am okay. She also said she had sent me an email inviting me to an evening home group that is starting this week and also to a day time/weekday Bible study she is running soon.

It’s probably pure coincidence that suddenly people are talking to me and kindly offering to invite me to join in. I do see they are being friendly, welcoming and inviting me to get to know them. And I appreciate it.

But, it is interesting this has happened right at the point when I am stating I don’t believe God loves me and having this ‘faith crisis’.

Is it just coincidence, probably. But, who knows….

Am I going to go to these home group/Bible study groups…. Well part of me is saying absolutely not….church people, are the last thing I need right now.  And another part of me is saying yes I should and I should not dismiss people that I don’t even know…. based upon the actions of other church people. So even though I would like to avoid potential issues completely….. another part of me knows it’s not rational.

And I also have a need within me, as a parent, to know to seek other people my children will get to know. This is due to us not having any family where we live and I know my children are missing out. Not that I want people to be ‘family’ – because they are not. I gave up on that need in me to seek ‘family’ some time back. But, I have that need for other people, to be the closest thing my children will have to family. I’ve read that children need extended family, so Continue reading

Met with a bunch of ladies & it went well :)

I recently set up a group for mature minded ladies, interested in meeting new people, for coffee and chat. The first get-together was this morning. I really did not want to go. Not because of the group, but because I’ve had a shit few days. Like really shit.

But, I went, because I arranged it, I was hosting it and I don’t like letting people down. So, I went along and 7 other ladies attended. They ranged from mid 40’s to 60’s in age, which is great. I relate more to people older than myself.

I was mindful of all the stuff I have been processing, about not being a beacon to the emotional vampire types. Not being too funny, kooky, quirky and all that stuff. Just taking it easy.

I was friendly and engaged in conversation that was taking place between the other ladies around me. I made sure I spoke to each lady and asked a few questions and didn’t give away much about myself. Boundaries and all that jazz. The conversations were mostly general stuff about their lives, families etc.

One lady is really into gardening and showed a few of us piccies of all her cute garden décor, which is similar to mine. I told her I love gardening too and she was really excited to let me know she belongs to a ladies gardening group in my area, and they get together and chat and swap plants etc. I was invited to come along, and I’m thinking about it. I didn’t just jump straight in to saying yes.

It was enjoyable and the ladies have commented on the group page, how friendly and relaxing the group was and they enjoyed it. So judging by their feedback, they felt it went really well. Continue reading

The Health Benefits of Nature

I am increasingly wanting to spend time connecting and grounding in nature.


This article by Wellness Mama – highlights some of the health benefits.


This article by Beyond Blue – highlights some of the specific mental health benefits. Continue reading