Betrayal

 

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I know when I’m not doing okay, because I can’t eat, all my PTSD symptoms increase, I get suicidal thoughts, I wish I could not be here.

I’m aware the situation of my counselling ending so badly, is trauma. I have been re-traumatised and emotionally abused by her, and this has impacted me greatly. Even though I tried hard to not let it affect me.

This, plus issues in my marriage increasing, are overwhelming.

I’ve also had to cancel doing my photography course, because I have found out this week – the Government funding has reduced and I cannot afford to pay for the course.

Plus, I have issues about my faith.

It’s too much.

And I have no-one to talk to.

It feels like my whole life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to sort it out.

I tried to be really strong about all this, and realise my counsellors and husband issues are actually nothing to do with me – it’s their issues. But, the fact is – it does impact me. I can’t just turn off those strong emotions indefinitely.

Sometimes, you have to accept people will believe the lies.

It is sad when someone you thought was a friend, who then believes lies and accusations, without even having the decency to check in with your first.

Wise people, don’t believe gossip, because wise people know there will be more to the story than someone is choosing to offer/share.

Gossip always dies when it hits the ears of a wise person.

Sadly, some people will believe the lies, the accusations, the smear campaigns. Whilst very sad……. it is that person choice and they show there lack of loyalty and wisdom in the process.

I think it’s also a clear indication, of God removing someone from your life, as He knows they are not a genuine friend, to not even ask you about a situation, and instead believe the lies.

If they choose to think about the situation and realise they have made a mistake, and should have spoken to you first, then it remains to be seen, whether that situation, can

The psychological, emotional twisting of the knife in the wounds, caused by non belief/doubting victims of abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Not being believed, can sometimes feel even more painful than the abuse itself. And I am not invalidating, or minimizing the affect and consequences of abuse, by making this statement, at all.

What I am doing, is describing how incredibly painful and devastating it is to not be believed.

The abuse itself, is horrific.

The pain of not being believed, of being neglected, the emotional and psychological destruction that non belief by others, after severe abuse, is even more horrific. Because it adds on top of the already massive weight of pain and devastation abuse causes.

They aren’t two separate issues. They are combined.

Non belief, is like having the knife twisted.

The abuse being the knife being stuck in, the non belief being the severe pain of the knife being twisted in the already deeply painful wound.

Done with Christianity as an organised religion & done with Christian counselling.

So much has happened over the last 2 years related to so called ‘Christians’ that I know has profoundly affected my healing, caused me more abuse and trauma, and I know I need to just separate myself, from it all.

I have seen so many people who claim to be mature Christians, fail so badly and I find it quite bizarre that they all can’t see it.

I’ve seen lies, excuses, corruption, justifications, minimizing, spiritual abuse in the masses, child abuse and well so much more, but I’ve already blogged enough.

I think so many really are mind controlled, into this concept that it is needed to minimize abuse and protect abuse perpetrators. All with their wrong interpretations of grace, compassion etc.

All this has shown me, is how much these people hurt abuse survivors, abuse them further, spiritually abuse them and re-traumatise them and re-victimise them.

And worse, they truly don’t care. They all stick together.

They truly are the perfect examples of narcissist/sociopaths or their apaths.

Not being believed – still occurring, still trauma, still abuse.

I mentioned this in counselling today. I saw a different counsellor to my usual one, as she is away.

I have had a lifetime, of dealing with people’s non belief about what I say about trauma/abuse. Had this from childhood onwards. It is abuse, deep abuse.

To not be believed, when you have a trauma history like mine, with as much denial, minimizing, scapegoating, lies, non belief, ignoring etc, as I have had….cuts like a knife.

When it’s the same people, like family, I accept they will never change and have moved on.

But, when it’s people in your life who you need to believe you ‘now’, it’s pretty hard and very re-traumatising. And of course they will just say it’s my emotions due to the past. Not able to face that ‘they’ are the ones causing this abuse/trauma now. Even if unintentionally.

I am allowed to be angry and annoyed about this. I don’t need anyone’s permission. They were wrong. They should have believed me. They didn’t. They made a choice not to. Mostly to keep their lives easier, I am under no illusion as to why.

~~~ Why I do this ~~~ By Lilly Hope Lucario ~~~

I write because I must, as a survivor who can use what was meant for evil, for good.

I write because it is part of my healing and to share my journey, helps others.

I write because I know suffering over prolonged periods of time, I know being suicidal, I know deep invalidation, I know deep aloneness, I know betrayal, I know deep prolonged fear, I know having no-one in your life who cares, I know having no-one in your life who understands you, I know having no-one in your life you can trust, or rely on. And my heart breaks for others who know this too.

As someone who has endured all forms of abuse, to a severe level, I write and blog to help as many survivors as I can.

I write about complex trauma, child abuse, child sexual abuse, adult sexual abuse, rape, emotional, psychological, mental, verbal, physical, spiritual abuse. I have suffered all these.

Abuse from narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, in a non religious environment and within churches. I’ve endured them all.

I write about Complex PTSD, PTSD, depression and ‘abuse/trauma induced’ mental health, because I have these.

I have a massive amount of ‘experience’ as an abuse victim and survivor.

Four decades of abuse. 10+ abusers. Abuse from birth.

I am real, honest, raw, have considerable research knowledge and also have considerable insight into all of this, and this has been recognised and validated by mental health professionals and….

Notably, by Pete Walker – a man with great insight into complex trauma – see http://www.pete-walker.com/ . Pete has given me permission to use his work and commended me on my work.

Been researching slander, and that sure is what has happened to me, by N. P. Baptist Church

slan·der [slan-der]
noun
1.
defamation; calumny: rumors full of slander.
2.
a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.
3.
Law. defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.
verb (used with object)
4.
to utter slander against; defame.
verb (used without object)
5.
to utter or circulate slander.

I have been lied about, by a pastor – A. Allinson and his wife at this church. The pastor being the one who abused me.

I have proof of this, in writing. It was admitted in front of other witnesses, by his wife, that this pastor lies. The excuse made that ‘everyone lies’.

These people have lied; by omission, by telling half truths, and by allowing others to think the wrong thing about me – which is all forms of lying.

This is emotional abuse and it is slander.