Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I am every immature church persons…..nightmare….especially for the men.

I realise that my challenging of so much I see within churches, is a freakin’ nightmare for many.

Especially all those who have been brought up in churches – where as children they are forced to have blind obedience and submission and of course ‘women must keep quiet’.

I do see, I am very problematic to all these deceived people, stuck at a very immature level of faith – at stage 3, where most will remain all their lives, very evidently leading to these mind controlled, sheep like people, who don’t challenge, don’t question, just accept, believe what they are told, like docile sheep.


I see the fact that I challenge the mind controlled issues many have, is very unusual to them – and they will not like this and I won’t create many friends.

But, you know, my faith, is the most important part of my life and I don’t intend to compromise that – to make friends with deluded, deceived church people.

I am way beyond that and just because they can’t understand that – is not my issue – it is theirs and it is their sin, to not challenge themselves and their thinking.

I know a ‘woman’ challenging men in conservative, right wing churches – is such a huge issue to them!!! Poor darlings, I know their ego’s get hurt by that and it threatens their need to be dominant and be ‘the man’. Continue reading


Forgiveness for abusers is one thing, empathy for future victims, is about action.

We live in a society that believes many things that are often all for self. Egocentric.

Many people believe the end of the line in dealing with abuse, is about personal healing and for some, forgiveness.

This is all about self needs.

But, what about future victims? Many don’t often care about that. I do. I care a lot.

Even my faith, the religious side of Christianity, many church people believe forgiveness, is the ‘be all and end all’. It’s not for me. I care about what will happen to others, because I have empathy and I am not ‘all about me’.

I don’t believe for one second that God requires His people to just forgive and move on. Did Jesus model that? Did he just stand there, watch abuse occur, do nothing and just forgive them and move on?

Of course he didn’t. He acted. Not in a way to repay evil with evil, but to stand up to evil and expose the abuse, lies and those being deceived. Continue reading

‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ – allegorical meaning, not literal.


I’ve always known this Bible verse was not meant in a literal meaning. I just knew. Jesus’ spirit.

I remember telling the pastor (who later abused me) when I first started church 5 years ago, that I believed what I had read that the rod – was meant for guiding and leading, not to hit.

He disagreed of course. He likes abuse and feels very entitled to abuse.


‘Honour thy father & mother’….even if abusers who harmed you greatly??..No.

Yes, this is one of the 10 commandments.

Honour means ‘hold in great esteem and high respect’.

This is based upon your parents being Christian/Godly parents, who act like parents. Not about parents who are abusers.

There is far too much abuse condoned in churches, based upon literal and immature interpretations of Bible verses.

I have a very abusive mother, who abused me and allowed me to be abused by men.

I have a birth father who completely abandoned me.

I had a step father who was an abuser within a circle of sexual abuser friends.

Collectively, these 3 people have destroyed my life. My life could have been very differently, had they have actually acted like ‘parents’.

Does anyone really believe that despite all the abuse and harm these 3 people have caused to me, that I should ‘honour’ them.

Does anyone really believe that God wants me to ‘honour’ people who have caused so much harm and abuse to me?

Does anyone really believe I should have nice thoughts about these people, and want them in my life, reconciliation, enforced forgiveness, or anything else many church people would suggest?

The only expectation God has of me, is to not hate them – which I don’t, to not want retribution – which I have never wanted for any of my abusers, and to leave their fate to Him – which I do.

I have actually gone further than this, and I have compassion for their mental health – although I do not in any way excuse the abuse, because it was still a ‘choice’ they made and they could have chosen not to abuse me. But, I accept they have very poor mental health and huge mental health disorder issues, and I don’t want that for them. I wish their lives could have been different, for them.

I have prayed for them and been in tears for their dark mind and dark hearts and prayed that they would somehow have eternal life with Jesus and I know that is not in my hands. I have prayed they will.

But, that is all I know I need to do and all that God requires of me. Continue reading


Yes, I am a Christian. No, I don’t need to honour and respect abusive parents.

“Why isn’t there a commandment to “honor thy children” or at least one to “not abuse thy children”? The notion that we must honor our parents causes many people to bury their real feelings and set aside their own needs in order to have a relationship with people they would otherwise not associate with.

Parents, like anyone else, need to earn respect and honor, and honoring parents who are negative and abusive is not only impossible but extremely self-abusive. Perhaps, as with anything else, honoring our parents starts with honoring ourselves. For many adult children, honoring themselves means not having anything to do with one or both of their parents.”

― Beverly Engel, Divorcing a Parent

Christianity often gets so much of what is stated in the Bible wrong. Particularly when it comes to abuse.

God does not want us to be in any relationships where abuse is occurring, where it will not stop. Anyone who thinks you have to say married to an abusive person, or have contact with abusive parents etc, are very wrong, and have no idea of God’s pure character.

God is pure love.

Would God want anyone to be abused, for the sake of adhering to a Bible quote, often taken out of context? Continue reading

Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Cheap Grace – by Michael Jenson.


The writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German pastor and theologian who was executed by the Nazis for his part in a plot to kill Hitler, have spoken powerfully to the generations of readers who have come after him. Recently, Eric Metaxes’s highly readable and engaging biography has brought the faith of Bonhoeffer to the attention of a new audience.

One of Bonhoeffer’s earliest books was his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount, entitled The Cost of Discipleship. Knowing what would happen to the author himself, it is a moving experience to read his reflections on ‘taking up one’s cross’, and dying to the self. As he says with a prophetic edge: ‘When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die’. No-one would live this out more than Bonhoeffer himself.

Bonhoeffer begins his book on Christian discipleship, however, with chapter entitled ‘costly grace’. Costly grace is to be discovered in part by contrasting it with ‘cheap grace’. But what can this mean, since God’s grace is supposed to be free? In the German Protestant church of his day, Bonhoeffer could see plenty of evidence of the cheap variety of grace, but not much of the costly variety. The Protestant church was founded on the teaching of God’s free grace to us in Jesus Christ. But in Bonhoeffer’s eyes, there were many who though that this meant that God’s grace could be possessed but nothing need change. Life could go on as if nothing had happened.

Bonhoeffer puts it this way: “Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance….Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate”.

Grace is not cheap because it is free, but, because it is free, by some it is held cheap. Continue reading


Need to get back into my faith studies. Study the Proverbs 31 woman.

I have not done much Bible study for the last 2 months, and that’s okay because I have just not been able to.

But, studying my faith, is important to me and I know it will be a lifelong journey of growth.

The Proverb 31 woman, is well known, and gets often talked about. And I have noticed – certain parts ignored, that don’t suit.

(The Baptist Church, I previously went to like to ignore the fact that the Proverbs 31 woman, had her own business and worked. Their limited, immature and sometimes abusive views, were that working women, were wrong. Unchristian. Looked down on. There was a very evident divide between the gang that worked and the gang that were SAHM’s. You had to stay home, raise your children and be in the kitchen, or the bedroom. The men worked and it was considered by them – to emasculate men, if their women worked. But, they have very right wing, abusive and wrong doctrine and beliefs in many things. And the men were narcs, insecure and needed their women to raise them up, to hide their lack.)

But, the Proverbs 31 woman did work. Did have her own business. Her own money. And she respected her husband, it is very possible – to do both. And secure men, will be okay with this.

I don’t want selective Bible verse abuse, as I have seen – I want to know all of God’s Word, is needed, not the parts I find fit with my earthly views/needs. Continue reading


“Is my view in keeping with God being perfect & there is no evil in God?”


This is what Christians need to be asking themselves?

There is no evil in God.

God is perfect.

God does not want to put anyone in hell – that would be evil.

God does not hate us – that would be evil.

God does not want revenge against evil – because that would be evil.

The issues of God putting Jesus – His only son on the cross to die just for our sins, because we don’t live up to His expectations, so he thrashed Jesus, instead of us…..so God is some kind of child abuser…


Jesus, was God in human form, and He died on the cross – to not repay evil with evil.

Jesus dying on the cross was a stand against all evil.

Jesus refused to hurt these people wanting to kill Him, because He is perfect.

Jesus – God in human form – his death on the cross was a cosmological deliverance from evil for us all. Continue reading

Many Church’s Work Keeping Their Flock At Stage 3 = Cult?

This is not about developing disciples, this is about authority, ego, and narcissism.

Stage 3 – Synthetic, Conventional Stage

A person will normally move into the third of James Fowler’s Stages, the Synthetic, Conventional stage around puberty but apparently, many adults never move beyond it.

Here authority is located outside the self – in the church leaders, in the government, in the social group. Religious concepts are what Fowler calls “tacitly” held – the person is not fully conscious of having chosen to believe something. Thus the name “Synthetic” – beliefs are not the result of any type of analytical thought. Any attempts to reason with a person in this stage about his beliefs, any suggestion of demythologizing his beliefs is seen as a threat.

People like Mark Driscoll – promote these stage 3 – cookie cutter Christians, who are told they are sinning if they question. Plus many other cult-like issues that go on http://robertcargill.com/2012/01/24/how-much-more-evidence-do-you-need-mark-driscolls-mars-hill-church-is-a-cult/

James Fowlers Stages Of Faith

Stage 3 – where most Christians remain, all their life. Continue reading