Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I had more courage as a child, than many adults are capable of ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


The reality of my childhood, really hits me at times. Deeper understandings occur and they also explain further – why I feel so different to most people.

The courage required to survive my horrendous childhood, to survive every type of abuse of a severe level, have not one remotely decent person in my family to rely on, and the courage needed to speak up about sexual abuse, protect my sibling being abused (which was a very dangerous situation)… plus know right from wrong, have a conscience, have empathy etc….. is I guess a miracle.

The levels of courage, integrity to honesty, integrity to protecting my siblings, integrity to do what is right, amongst many adults doing heinously terrible things – all within a dangerous, highly abusive, toxic environment – is significant. And I see that significance more and more.

It really was a case of…

“In the lands of gods and monsters

I was an angel…

living in the garden of evil”

~ Land Del Rey

I think this is why I look at many grown adults – who lack courage, who can’t even be honest with themselves, can’t own their own dishonest and bad behaviours/attitudes, don’t stand up to protect vulnerable people being abused, make excuses for bad behaviour and act in such immature ways and I just shake my head in disbelief.

It seems absolutely bizarre to me. Because compared to the courage I have displayed even as a child – it does all seem quite bizarre. Which may seem harsh – but this is the reality of my life, since childhood.

It’s why honesty,  courage, standing up for people being wronged, standing up to abusers – don’t seem such a big deal to me. I’ve been doing this since childhood.  Continue reading



The most painful, yet bravest thing I have ever done ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I’ve endured significant trauma. I’ve endured abuse of every kind, to a severe level. I was heinously abused, throughout my entire childhood. It was very courageous and brave, to endure it all and still be here.

And be a compassionate person as a result.

But, the most painful thing I have ever done, was accept the truth about my mother intentionally and consciously abusing me. And knowing my mother and step father were complicit in the child sexual abuse – within their ring of sex offender, paedophile friends.

Coming to terms with this, and

no longer making excuses,

no longer minimizing or denying the truth,

is the most courageous and bravest thing

I have ever done.

It is so painful, it has nearly killed me. I have wanted to die, rather than know this reality.

It was much easier when I made excuses. When I was in denial. When I didn’t face the truth. Continue reading

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A hero is……

a hero is

I don’t buy into the average perception of what a hero looks like, based only on physical acts of bravery.

The greatest heros in life, go unrecognised, unnoticed.

They are those who endured terrible acts of suffering, abuse, child abuse, and yet came through it, and are decent people. Continue reading

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My normal, my ordinary – is seen by many – as extraordinary.

brene brown 3

As per Brene Brown – courage is in being vulnerable. And to have truth and honesty about ourselves, takes the courage to be vulnerable.

My counsellor talked about Brene Brown this week at counselling, with reference to my courage. And a friend quoted Brene Brown this week. I’ve also had numerous messages recently about my honesty and how this is considered unusual. About my work, my blogs, my capacity to stand up to dangerously toxic people. And how brave that all is. I was told by hospital staff, how brave I am to be processing all the severe childhood trauma. As well as to have survived it all.

I have to stop and remember just how much courage it takes alone, to be really honest about ourselves. To have self insight and be honest about it all. Including when we screw up and the capacity to own this fully and take responsibility. And learn from it. With no push from others. I can do this myself, due to my conscience and capacity to do what’s right. No matter how uncomfortable this feels.

brene brown 4

I forget, I have needed to be strong, whilst vulnerable – since being a child. I needed to have deep self honesty, and deep courage – to survive all I have. Especially as a child. Every single day of my entire childhood and continuing on throughout my adulthood.

Courage, inner strength,

being honest with self

& the vulnerability required,

are not new to me.

They are all I have known.

They are my normal.

They are my ordinary. Continue reading