Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


A Near Serious Car Crash Is Terrible – Especially With PTSD & Vasovagal Nerve Damage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

adult alone black and white blur

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

 

My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family.  Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.

Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay.  Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.

Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.

Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.

I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago Continue reading


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First Sale For My New Business! ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

spark of hope 2

 

I haven’t been blogging – for several reasons. One being that I felt like I had nothing positive to say. But, now I have something positive to blog about!

I’ve spend the last 12 months learning a new photography profession, with the aim to set up my own part time business. This leading towards my financial independence again.

Today I had my first sale! After only one week of my business up and running!

I cried. Tears of shock, joy and no doubt other emotions. I didn’t expect people to like my work as much as they clearly do. I didn’t expect people to want to pay me.

I could into all the complex trauma reasons why I put myself down and still don’t expect good reactions from people in my life. There is still fear, shame, low self esteem, my normal being people treating me like I am worthless……… and more. But, I don’t want to write about all that. I know I have those issues still. I’m working on them and okay that it will be a long process, after 46 years of abuse. It’s okay that I haven’t ‘fixed’ all that yet.

So, instead – I will focus on my success. My talent. Others recognising that. Others treating me like I am a person of worth. People giving me amazing feedback about my work and their whole experience with me.

It’s a huge step in the direction of where my life needs to head.

I also recognise how much courage and strength it has taken for me to do this, considering how traumatic 2017 was, and how ill I am.

I’m going to be okay with being a success. With being a person other people do value.  Continue reading


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2 Million Views

2-million

 

I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.

Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.

This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.

I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.

I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.

I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.

I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt.  Continue reading


39 Comments

I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.

I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.

This means I personally – will never be okay.

I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.

I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.

People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.

I have no hope for my situation to improve.

I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.

I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality.  Shaming me in the process.  Continue reading


18 Comments

Hospital Tests Results Not Good News & I Will Always Be My Only True Advocate

The results of my tests in hospital are:

  1. A debilitating, non curable, difficult to treat illness, that is potentially life threatening and unusual at my age. And if chronic – which mine is already – can lead to heart failure, heart attacks, stroke. http://www.mdedge.com/ccjm/article/95292/cardiology/preventing-and-treating-orthostatic-hypotension-easy-b-c
  2. A tiny hole in my heart.
  3. Possible mini stroke.

Have to have more tests as an outpatient. I guess that’s when they will talk about medication, or something to do with managing it. Maybe. If they can be bothered. The cardiologists were pretty blasé about it all. I suspect it would be different if I were someone with private health cover. Public health patients are often treated as though they don’t matter. I guess they deal with worse cardiology related issues: people dying, full heart attacks, open heart surgery etc. I’m sure if I have a full blown heart attack or major stroke – they might seem a little more concerned. Maybe.

I’m someone who does research and finds quality info and info that often the general public are not aware of. I’m not easily fobbed off by doctors who treat people like they don’t deserve to know the truth of their illness. Who treat people like it doesn’t matter if they die.

I’m trying to be okay with this new health info.

I’m aware my genetics (family of origin have heart/strokes etc), my severe trauma history, having PTSD all my life, now these actual issues occurring….. means my risk for life threatening issues occurring are greatly increased.

I’m pretty numb most of the time. I guess that survival mode kicking in.

I need to be strong for my kids.

So now dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues. I’ll do my best to manage all the symptoms and hope it’s enough.

And I’m at the point now where it’s easier to just tell most people what they want to hear… “I’ll be okay, I’m strong, I’ll beat this too … blah blah blah. People don’t want hear about your struggle, your fears, your pain. They want to hear what makes ‘them’ feel comfortable.

Something I’ve also learned in this………… is my entire life I have had my ‘stuff’ invalidated, minimized and trivialised….. and that still continues. It’s happening now about my physical health issues…. from doctors.

But, just because others choose to do that to me…….. doesn’t mean they are right, or that they are showing any kindness in what they are doing.

I’ve realised I’ve spent my life also minimizing my ‘stuff’ – as I was groomed to do by my ‘family’ who called me a drama queen anytime I tried to stand up for myself in regards to their mistreatment and abuse. I had to be the opposite of a drama queen and not care about my needs, or being mistreated and it led to other people all my life not caring about my needs, or caring about mistreating me either. And to them trivialising what I endure and the seriousness of it.

But, I do realise just how serious this all is. It’s really fucking serious. It’s life threatening serious. It’s – I could die or have a severe stroke and be incapacitated for the rest of my life – serious.

So, I know I have to make a bit more of an effort to demand this be taken seriously and for them not to just shrug me off. Even if I am only a ‘public system patient’.

I matter to my kids, even if no-one else cares.

And I’ve realised as a result of the last few months …. that I will always be my only true advocate.

Continue reading


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Being admitted for cardiology testing next week. Variety of very valid emotions.

Received a phone call from the cardiology department about my admission for testing on my heart/blood pressure issues. So I should be going in, within a few days.

I’m feeling a combination of emotions.

Scared and fearful of what they might find is wrong with me and how serious it is and all the many consequences. I am aware the chronic low blood pressure issue I have is not normal for someone me age and potentially a life threatening health issue.

Angry that all the people who have chosen to abuse me throughout my entire life – and have caused me to have these physical health issues I am now dealing with. I am very aware that it is all the trauma that has impacted my physical and mental health. It makes sense that someone who has been abused so badly, over decades, would have a variety of physical health issues. Trauma affects the physical body, as well as emotional/mental health.

Scared this will impact my capacity to find a job in the future to become independent again and be able to financially support my children.

Really over dealing with health issues that plague my life and cause such a negative impact on my quality of life. And all being caused by abusive people – who could have chosen to treat me well, but didn’t and they had no excuses for what they did.

I’m very aware it is completely okay and normal to feel these emotions, and I’m aware I don’t have to minimize them, or invalidate my own fears and anxiety. I’m trying to do better with not feeling shame about being angry. I have every right to be angry. And suppressing that – would not be healthy.

My doctor/counsellor said she will come and see me in the hospital, which is very kind of her and above and beyond what she needs to do. I am very thankful for that Continue reading


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Poem – Smile, Be Positive… Like They All Say ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Smile, Be Positive… Like They All Say

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

pretending-what-is-not-TMF

Just smile, it’s what everyone wants to see

Just act strong, like you’re expected to be

You can’t be negative, that’s not allowed

Got to be positive, hopeful and proud

After all, hope is your middle name

Anything else, is weakness and shame

But I have no hope left, I’m now too ill

46 years of abuse, my soul it did kill

My body it’s broken… old and weary

It wants to die, be at rest, be free

But, I have to keep going, every day

Put on that smile, like they all say

Forty six years of trauma and abuse

Not one of them had a valid excuse

Doesn’t matter, still have to be positive

Even if you have nothing left to give Continue reading