Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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PTSD is not ruminating ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I see people who have endured trauma and abuse, talking about ruminating, and I want to clear up the belief that #PTSD is ruminating.
It isn’t. At all.
When people imply people with PTSD are ruminating – they are implying the thoughts , intrusive memories, and emotions – are a choice.
PTSD is not a choice.

Continue reading


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That moment when you desperately want to talk to your former counsellor, but can’t ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My former counsellor was there through all the abuse I endured from the Baptist cult. She even confirmed in writing that I was spiritually abused – for the formal investigation. Not that it made any difference, the investigation was totally corrupt. As a lot of ‘church’ in-house investigations are.

I just went through a hugely triggering situation. Someone posted the business page of the best friend of the pastor who abused me….. onto my personal Facebook account. Which sent my PTSD mind into a complete panic. It’s when things like this happen you know you still very much have PTSD.

The triggers, the anxiety, the panic, the fear, the thoughts, the emotions, the invasive memories.

PTSD sucks. It really does.

In this state of panic and fear, I immediately wanted to talk to my counsellor. She was my ‘support’ over the last 5 years. She would probably minimize the situation and not really care how distressing this was for me, but she was all I had to talk to when all the church abuse and investigation were going on. And all I had over the years since then.

It’s really sad, when I reflect about all her minimizing about that cult abuse. She never validated how horrible that all was.

It interesting reflecting on how little empathy she had, how she minimized a lot of things – unless I pushed her to confront how bad something is.

I can’t make up my mind whether she is just so desensitised about abuse and heinous abusers………. or truly lacks empathy……… plus only has completely self serving views to do her job………. or whether it is a combination of all of them. Continue reading


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That moment when someone recommends a hairdresser and it’s a child abuser from the abusive church/cult!

Well that was a moment of panic that set in. The abusive Baptist cult – I was abused at, has some cult members that are ‘best friends’ with the narcissist pastor, who abused me.

The wife is a hairdresser and unfortunately, her children go to the same school as my youngest child. She is blocked from my personal Facebook account, and that way I avoid having to see anything posted by her on the school FB page.

I asked for a recommendation for a hairdresser, and someone I am facebook friends with, sent a link to this abusive hairdresser woman.

Yikes – the last person I want to see is that woman or anyone from that cult, on my personal facebook account.

This woman is the one who I received a message from about the abuse witnessed and considered disgusting. The person who emailed me, has been to that Baptist cult, and was shocked by the child abuse that was encouraged there. She told me about this hairdresser starving her toddler, because the toddler would not eat dinner. She also said a lot of other abusive behaviour was witnessed – women being treated badly etc.

I validated this persons account of all the child abuse, spiritual abuse and domestic violence – that goes on there. Including all the physical abuse – taking belts to children, beating them etc.

A few emails went back and fore. I was glad she wrote to me, to confirm if it was this Baptist cult where I had been abused. It helped to know other people realised how abusive they all are and how disgusting their behaviour is.

So, when I received this recommendation of this hairdresser – I panicked.

But, I stopped, deleted the posts that were on my Facebook account. Blocked the hairdressers FB business account page.   Continue reading


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I’ve always related to living, fighting & surviving a war ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

You don’t have to have been in combat

– to have been fighting a war.

The first 20 years of my life were all about survival.

The war of severe child abuse.

The war of surviving child sexual abuse.

The war of emotional, psychological,

mental, verbal and physical abuse.

The war of surviving a psychopath

– who had killed a previous girlfriend.

The war of absolute captivity abuse.

As a child.

As a teenager.

Fighting to stay safe.

Fighting danger all around me.

Every day.

I know now, why I have always been so emotional Continue reading


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Holding Onto Some Gentle Hope ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Recent events and weeks, have led to a very clear understanding of how alone I am. In terms of people physically in my life.

This aloneness, can and has caused me such fear and panic, and it leads to a downward spiral of my thoughts and mood. I have accepted this is part of having Complex PTSD and that there are very valid and severe reasons for this. No-one would come through as much trauma and abuse, without some serious consequences.

But, when I reflect on my life…. all I have survived….. the decent, empathic, caring person I am…… how I don’t wish ill on anyone….. how I am a good mother……. I know I have done pretty well at taking care of myself.

So whilst I know I am very alone, I also hold onto hope for the future, along with growing and new connections, that help alleviate the intense aloneness.

I watched a video on Facebook today, of an adult being adopted by a family. The happiness and joy made me smile. I felt so thankful this person had a family who cared about him so much, they adopted him. As an adult. I love these stories, because I know the emotions involved in feeling so abandoned and unloved. To see the joy and love, was breathtakingly beautiful.

And whilst this story was so beautiful, I also realise this won’t happen for me, and it doesn’t happen for most people who are in similar situations to myself. Which is terribly sad.

But, I also know I have been alone all my life, and I’ve survived it. And really well. So, I know I will survive anything I am currently enduring, or will endure.

It does take away the fear factor, when I remind myself – that I’ve always survived, and now I do have an online community of survivors, mental health professionals and people who have empathy. People who know the pain and understand the deep life impacting issues such prolonged and severe trauma cause.

And I have my children, who I love dearly. And they love me.

I do have more now, than I ever had as a child, or in my 20’s. It may not be the family I always desperately wanted, or a partner who cares about me in any genuine way. I don’t currently have professional support. But, I do have love in my life and I do have myself. And I do have people I can reach out to – who do understand and have empathy.

I also don’t rule out anything the future may bring. I don’t hold onto any desperate fantasy of finding a family, but a more realistic hope for connections with decent people and hope of friendships I am building slowly.

I’ve decided 2017, needs to be a year of hope. Emotions and grieving too….. but Continue reading


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Going to try and access a bulk billing psychiatrist.

I’m a mess, and I know I can’t do this alone. I need professional support and I need someone who truly understands complex trauma.

I’m going to contact the hospital I went to a few times when suicidal. They said I could phone them, or contact them, whenever I needed to. The male psychiatrist I saw, was really lovely and the woman I saw a few days later, was really easy to talk to.

I need to talk to someone who gets it and can validate my journey and not force personal opinions/beliefs on me. I need to see someone who won’t force their self serving opinions about heinous abusers on me. I need someone with the sensitivity and empathy to know what to say, and what not to say. Continue reading


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So glad to see Jeff Brown understands Eckhart Tolle is harmful, not helpful.

I often feel like an alien on this planet. I see and understand things most people don’t.

I am always so glad to read Jeff Brown’s posts and comments.

Today I saw this comment from Jeff, in response to someone on his page commenting about Eckhart Tolle.

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Thank God for people like Jeff Brown. Thank God he also has the discernment to know fake and false ‘teachers’.

Jeff makes me feel like I am not an alien. I am not totally alone. There are souls out there, who see and understand human emotions and human behaviour – on a much deeper level. As I do. Continue reading