Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.

I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.

This means I personally – will never be okay.

I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.

I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.

People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.

I have no hope for my situation to improve.

I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.

I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality.  Shaming me in the process.  Continue reading

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Hospital Tests Results Not Good News & I Will Always Be My Only True Advocate

The results of my tests in hospital are:

  1. A debilitating, non curable, difficult to treat illness, that is potentially life threatening and unusual at my age. And if chronic – which mine is already – can lead to heart failure, heart attacks, stroke. http://www.mdedge.com/ccjm/article/95292/cardiology/preventing-and-treating-orthostatic-hypotension-easy-b-c
  2. A tiny hole in my heart.
  3. Possible mini stroke.

Have to have more tests as an outpatient. I guess that’s when they will talk about medication, or something to do with managing it. Maybe. If they can be bothered. The cardiologists were pretty blasé about it all. I suspect it would be different if I were someone with private health cover. Public health patients are often treated as though they don’t matter. I guess they deal with worse cardiology related issues: people dying, full heart attacks, open heart surgery etc. I’m sure if I have a full blown heart attack or major stroke – they might seem a little more concerned. Maybe.

I’m someone who does research and finds quality info and info that often the general public are not aware of. I’m not easily fobbed off by doctors who treat people like they don’t deserve to know the truth of their illness. Who treat people like it doesn’t matter if they die.

I’m trying to be okay with this new health info.

I’m aware my genetics (family of origin have heart/strokes etc), my severe trauma history, having PTSD all my life, now these actual issues occurring….. means my risk for life threatening issues occurring are greatly increased.

I’m pretty numb most of the time. I guess that survival mode kicking in.

I need to be strong for my kids.

So now dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues. I’ll do my best to manage all the symptoms and hope it’s enough.

And I’m at the point now where it’s easier to just tell most people what they want to hear… “I’ll be okay, I’m strong, I’ll beat this too … blah blah blah. People don’t want hear about your struggle, your fears, your pain. They want to hear what makes ‘them’ feel comfortable.

Something I’ve also learned in this………… is my entire life I have had my ‘stuff’ invalidated, minimized and trivialised….. and that still continues. It’s happening now about my physical health issues…. from doctors.

But, just because others choose to do that to me…….. doesn’t mean they are right, or that they are showing any kindness in what they are doing.

I’ve realised I’ve spent my life also minimizing my ‘stuff’ – as I was groomed to do by my ‘family’ who called me a drama queen anytime I tried to stand up for myself in regards to their mistreatment and abuse. I had to be the opposite of a drama queen and not care about my needs, or being mistreated and it led to other people all my life not caring about my needs, or caring about mistreating me either. And to them trivialising what I endure and the seriousness of it.

But, I do realise just how serious this all is. It’s really fucking serious. It’s life threatening serious. It’s – I could die or have a severe stroke and be incapacitated for the rest of my life – serious.

So, I know I have to make a bit more of an effort to demand this be taken seriously and for them not to just shrug me off. Even if I am only a ‘public system patient’.

I matter to my kids, even if no-one else cares.

And I’ve realised as a result of the last few months …. that I will always be my only true advocate.

Continue reading


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Being admitted for cardiology testing next week. Variety of very valid emotions.

Received a phone call from the cardiology department about my admission for testing on my heart/blood pressure issues. So I should be going in, within a few days.

I’m feeling a combination of emotions.

Scared and fearful of what they might find is wrong with me and how serious it is and all the many consequences. I am aware the chronic low blood pressure issue I have is not normal for someone me age and potentially a life threatening health issue.

Angry that all the people who have chosen to abuse me throughout my entire life – and have caused me to have these physical health issues I am now dealing with. I am very aware that it is all the trauma that has impacted my physical and mental health. It makes sense that someone who has been abused so badly, over decades, would have a variety of physical health issues. Trauma affects the physical body, as well as emotional/mental health.

Scared this will impact my capacity to find a job in the future to become independent again and be able to financially support my children.

Really over dealing with health issues that plague my life and cause such a negative impact on my quality of life. And all being caused by abusive people – who could have chosen to treat me well, but didn’t and they had no excuses for what they did.

I’m very aware it is completely okay and normal to feel these emotions, and I’m aware I don’t have to minimize them, or invalidate my own fears and anxiety. I’m trying to do better with not feeling shame about being angry. I have every right to be angry. And suppressing that – would not be healthy.

My doctor/counsellor said she will come and see me in the hospital, which is very kind of her and above and beyond what she needs to do. I am very thankful for that Continue reading


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Poem – Smile, Be Positive… Like They All Say ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Smile, Be Positive… Like They All Say

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

pretending-what-is-not-TMF

Just smile, it’s what everyone wants to see

Just act strong, like you’re expected to be

You can’t be negative, that’s not allowed

Got to be positive, hopeful and proud

After all, hope is your middle name

Anything else, is weakness and shame

But I have no hope left, I’m now too ill

46 years of abuse, my soul it did kill

My body it’s broken… old and weary

It wants to die, be at rest, be free

But, I have to keep going, every day

Put on that smile, like they all say

Forty six years of trauma and abuse

Not one of them had a valid excuse

Doesn’t matter, still have to be positive

Even if you have nothing left to give Continue reading


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I Just Need Empathy At Times When I’m Really Low ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

empathy 1

 

I went to counselling yesterday. I nearly didn’t go.

One thing I realised – that even when I’m at my worst – I can now fight for what I need – empathy.

It was a difficult session. I cried a lot. I tried my best to explain how painful it all feels. I explained to my counsellor I just needed empathy. Not her telling me what I should be doing, or pushing me to be stronger than I am capable of being.

I even told her of a quote I read…

“Empathy is not always insisting everything will be okay.

Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s not”

~ unknown

Another thing I noticed, is that even though I was very emotional…. I did manage to remain calm, not get to the point where I needed to just leave.

I’ve realised my counsellor is a ‘fixer’. She wants so much for people to be doing better and getting to a better place, she pushes me too hard sometimes. She doesn’t realise I truly am doing everything I can already. And I know this does not come from a bad place. She is showing compassion and doing what she thinks she needs to do – as a therapist.

But, sometimes I just need to cry, grieve, be heard and her to just acknowledge that. And know that when I am ready – I will do better. As I always do.

I stood up for my needs and she got there. She realised what I was asking for. She even acknowledged that she may push me too hard and I can say when she is doing this.

So, I am chalking this up to progress – for her and for me. Continue reading


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I Am So Thankful The Mighty Shared My Article On Their Main Page ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am so thankful to The Mighty staff, for considering my article for their main page.
I am thankful more awareness is being raised.

The feedback on their page was all really good, with people saying they relate to these issues highlighted in the article.

It’s my passion to raise understanding, awareness, education and compassion for complex trauma survivors.

So thankful for this opportunity given by The Mighty.

Continue reading