Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Being Hospitalised To Deal With My Blood Pressure Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

crying

 

I have been dealing with so much over the last few months and it’s completely overwhelmed me. My depression is severe now.

I broke my hand a few months ago, due to my blood pressure issues. I went to the hospital appointments while it needed x-raying and various casts, splints. But I didn’t follow up with the OT or physiotherapy I need on it.

IΒ was also meant to have had a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours. I didn’t go to the appointment. I know that’s needed before any other heart tests can be done.

I just don’t care enough about myself to have the self care I need at the moment. I don’t care if I have heart issues or my hand doesn’t heal. I think part of me just wants to die. And another part of me is scared to find out I have heart issues.

I know I’m severely depressed, and in deep avoidance. I think a part of me has just given up.

That’s how bad things are.

And my doctor/counsellor said I am the most depressed I’ve been for several years.

So my doctor/counsellor has arranged for me to be hospitalised in order to have all the tests done within a few days, for the blood pressure, potential hearts issues. I’ll be in for possibly 4 days, maybe less.

I also need my medication increased for my depression. And this will happen while in hospital too.

I hate hospitals. My anxiety about having to be there for several days, is pretty bad. I don’t want to be away from my children. Continue reading


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My Inner Child Is Grieving – So I Bought Her This Cute Ballerina Unicorn ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

 

My inner child – is grieving.

My mother died and I recently realised I had to stop seeing my counsellor as a mother figure.

My mother dying has brought up a lot of horrible memories and emotions.

My inner child is having a very time over the stuff with my counsellor.

I feel like the 46 year old me – who is now grieving my entire life – is over everything and just wants to shut down and deal with everything alone.

And the inner child in me is desperately crying nooooooooooo….. don’t take away the only person who has acted in any way like a mother to me. I know my inner child wants to cling onto my counsellor with all her strength and might.

It’s all very confusing. And emotional. And painful.

It’s interesting – whenever I post about inner child healing, it always makes a powerful difference for others. Which is good. I know I risk ridicule and judgment when I post about having a terribly hurt inner child and buying soft toys etc. But, I share that very vulnerable part of me, because I know others feel the same pain and confusion I do. And when people see me doing my inner child stuff – it allows them to do the same with no fear of judgment from me.

I’ve only had my Instagram 2 months and I already have over 2000 followers, so I was unsure of the reaction I would receive about posting this pic of my unicorn. But, it received a really good reaction and in fact is the post with the most amount of comments.

It has a similar reaction on Twitter – with some people also feeling safe to post pics of their soft/plush toys that helps them.

I’m brave enough to post about my vulnerability, if it helps others.

Continue reading


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The Deep Searing Ache & Pain In My Soul – For Family ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve always dealt with everything terrible inΒ myΒ life, completely alone.Β But most of that, was just about taking care of me.

Now, I have two boys I have to care for. Which is very different. And I desperately wish I had a mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin…. anyone…. to care about me and my boys. To love us.

That deep searing ache in my soul, is so painful I cannot even express it fully.

I feel so terribly sad that my boys don’t have family either. They only have me. And their father. They deserve better than that. More than that. Much more.

I’ve always known how much I miss having family.

But, this is a time in my life, when I feel that terribly desperate grieving.

And I know this grieving is not helped by the grieving of my mothers death a few months ago, and the death of the motherly role I had placed on my counsellor.

I feel more alone now……. than ever in my life. Continue reading


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Compassion About Suicidal Thoughts – Is Vital ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


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Dealing With Complex PTSD Suicide Ideation & Thoughts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

apain

 

I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since being a teenager. My first attempt was around the age of 13 years, due to such heinous abuse I was enduring. And it wasn’t a cry for help, or attention seeking. I really wanted to die.

I’ve had Complex PTSD since being a child. The hyper-vigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the terminal aloneness and hopelessness, the threat of impending doom, and the suicidal thoughts have been in my life for 4 decades.

I think the suicidal thoughts can be due to wanting the terrible pain to end and also knowing I can end my life if it becomes too much – as a way out. It’s like an unhealthy coping strategy.

I’ve suffered heinous sexual, emotional, psychological abuse from being a young child onwards.

My mother was a heinous woman who exploited me to be sexually abused by the ‘family friends – paedophiles, sex offenders, psychopaths. And decades of abuse after that.

The emotional pain and suffering cannot be understood unless it’s been endured.

This year is a really bad year. My ex husband died, shortly followed by my mothers death. I’ve got serious health issues. And I’ve had come to terms with knowing my husband is a dark triad domestic violence abuser.

And there’s been huge issues going on in my counselling, where the last time I was suicidal – my counsellor defended my husband and defended his psychopath, sexual deviance, narcissistic behaviours. While I was suicidal. And all because she was pissed at me for calling her names. What has resulted is knowing she does not care about me at all, and never did. She clearly couldn’t have cared less if I had left there and killed myself. And, thereforeΒ she is not a safe person to be around when suicidal.

So, I have no-one to contact when suicidal.

Last week I was suicidal. I told my husband to tell my children I died of a heart attack. I think he actually wants me to kill myself, because he would be better off without me. And he could play the grieving widower role, which he would enjoy faking. He’s certainly been provoking me enough to the point where I have told him to find somewhere else to live.

I dealt with these suicidal thoughts alone. I sat with them and willed myself Continue reading