Don Hennessey – Domestic Violence Expert – Validates All My Own Insight ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I came across an article written about Don Hennessey and his insight and work in domestic violence and it resonated with me immediately.

Don Hennessey is the Director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention Agency and has decades of experience and research into domestic violence perpetrators and victims/targets.

His insight it truly amazing and his compassion for victims is beautiful.

This is the article I read:

www.independent.ie/au/irish-news/men-who-abuse-women-use-the-same-tactics-as-pedophiles-and-ive-never-met-one-who-wanted-to-change-says-author-of-how-he-gets-in-her-head

After reading this article, which makes it clear that male domestic violence perpetrators intentionally abuse and groom, and the abuse is a ‘lifestyle choice’ – I chose to download his book – How He Gets into Her Head : The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser

Every page validates what I already know. Every page validates my insight, knowledge and experience of domestic violence.

Don’s compassion for the victims – who he states are “kind, giving women”, is so important to hear – particularly from a man and a man who is highly educated and experienced in working with perpetrators and victims.

He ‘gets’ it.

He gets the intentional nature of the abuse. He gets it is a choice they make. He gets it’s not ‘subconscious’ behaviour. He gets the intentional grooming process and how they use the same grooming tactics as paedophiles. He gets the psychological abuse that always occurs. He gets that they are ‘con men’. He gets how wrong victim blaming is and he makes it clear – the women targets/victims are not in any way to blame for the abuse. 

I also watched this video and you can feel the compassion and gentle nature he has.

 

It’s always such a relief when my own insight is validated, by those who are experts in the field and have considerable education and experience in the field.

How Complex Trauma Survivors Can Learn To Trust People ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated inter-personal trauma – abuse and neglect – caused by other people. Often this ongoing abuse causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and/or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Trust issues are one of the debilitating and life impacting results of enduring complex trauma. It’s very understandable, when you consider the survivor has been subjected to ongoing harm, particularly when from those they were meant to be able to trust, rely on and feel safe with.

This is intensified when the abuse/trauma was endured was in childhood. Not learning how to develop healthy relationships, not having this modelled, causes the survivor to have a deficit of needed skills in adulthood. Knowing how to appropriately trust people, is one of them.

Trust issues can be either not trusting anyone, or trusting too quickly and easily. Both resulting in further issues that are painful to endure. Survivors can swap between these, depending on what is occurring in their life. Often trusting too easily – results in the survivor being hurt more, and then they jump into ‘I’m never trusting anyone again’ mode. All ways of coping. All very understandable.

Not trusting anyone – is a coping and survival instinct. If we don’t trust anyone – we can’t get hurt…. right? But, this understandable way of protecting ourselves – means we don’t have healthy relationships with others. This can lead to a painful sense of aloneness and lack of connection with other people. And connecting to others, is a vital human need.

Trusting people too quickly and too easily often results in the survivor being harmed more. Not knowing how to build trust carefully – causes a greater issue of being in further unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationships.

I see very often in my work as an abuse survivor advocate and writer – complex trauma survivors saying they will “never trust anyone” and I want to gently encourage survivors to know – there is a way to build up trust slowly and carefully – that still protects them and keeps them safe.

My first trauma counsellor, was an amazing and wise woman, who helped me with my trust issues. As a survivor of multiple complex trauma endured from birth – my trust issues were deep.

This is how she explained how to learn to trust in a healthy way and develop safe relationships:

1. Trust isn’t given, or demanded – it’s earned. Carefully.
2. There are good people out there, that we can have healthy relationships with. It may feel hard to accept that – but it is true. Figuring out if someone is healthy, is key to forming healthy relationships.
3. Not everyone is going to abuse us. There are non abusive people out there. No-one is perfect, but there are people who are respectful, caring and want good for others.
4. You need healthy boundaries on your own behaviours and choices. You have to understand how we interact we others, how we build relationships, including trust – is our own responsibility and we have to learn self control in order to proceed carefully.
5. You cannot 100% trust anyone. But you can learn who is trustworthy enough.
6. You build trust – slowly and carefully. Not by jumping ‘all in’. And not by refusing point blank to try to trust someone.
7. Don’t tell them straight up you have ‘trust issues’. Keep that information to yourself.
8. Then sit back and discern how this person treats other? Are they kind? Are they interacting in a healthy way? Are their behaviours consistent? If yes, that’s a good start.
9. If they treat others well, and you’ve gotten to know them a little, give them only a little piece of information about yourself, particularly about your trauma history. Something that’s not too revealing. So instead of revealing nothing, or telling them ‘all’ about your life – you give them a little bit and see how they receive that? How did they handle that? Did they deal with that respectfully?
10. Once you’ve given them a little bit of information, sit back and watch over time what they do with that. Do they push you too quickly for more information. Do they seem dismissive about it? Did they not offer words of kindness? Do they go and tell others about it? Do they gossip about you regarding what you told them? If yes, to any of those, these are red flags that would suggest this person is not a ‘safe person’.
11. If they seem to handle this well – after a while – give them a little bit more information and again – see how they respond and react? And continue this.
12. This gradual way of revealing yourself, is about being careful. It’s about protecting yourself. You do not have to tell them too much. It’s much safer to real yourself slowly.
13. Someone healthy and respectful will be okay with this gradual process. If they are not okay with it, then this is a red flag and someone who has unhealthy issues and I advise not to proceed with giving anymore revealing information, or any further information about your trauma history.
14. You also don’t have to be too quick with things like sexual contact with someone, if this is a romantic relationship. If they push you quickly into sexual intimacy – this is not okay if you need to take this slowly, they should respect that. If they are respectful – you can build more trust in them over time.
15. It’s also worth seeing how quickly they tell you about themselves. If they reveal nothing, or tell you a lot, this is someone with their own issues and we need to figure out why?
16. Build this relationship in a mutually respectful, careful manner. Discern as you go what seems ‘off’ and take your time in figuring the person out.
17. Proceed only if this careful process reveals healthy consistent, respectful behaviours.
18. Enjoy the relationship you have built, based on trust and mutual respect.

Skills & Tools To Manage Symptoms Of (Complex) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

At the beginning of my journey to healing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – I first learned how to manage symptoms.

There are symptoms common in these trauma-induced disorders including: anxiety, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional dysregulation, re-experiencing symptoms – flashbacks (visual, somatic, emotional), intrusive memories.

One of the first aims in therapy – is to learn how to manage these symptoms. I know not everyone has access to therapy, so I share what I’ve learned.

The following are skills I developed and still use today:

Breathing Skills

A tool and coping skills in learning to control breathing, helps reduce anxiety, hypervigilance and helps during times of stress and overwhelm.

Why do deep breathing? Deep breathing increases the supply of oxygen to your brain and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes a state of calmness. Deep breathing relieves stress and anxiety due to its physiological effect on the nervous system. And deep breathing activates specific neurons that detect blood pressure. These neurons signal to the vagus nerve that blood pressure is becoming too high, and the vagus nerve in turn responds by lowering your heart rate.

1.  Get into a comfortable position, sitting or lying down.
2.  Relax your body, arms and legs as much as possible.
3.  Big breathe through the nose, for a count of 4.
4.  Hold for a count of 3.
5.  Breathe out through the mouth, exhaling for a count of 3.
6.  When breathing out, try to exhale as much air out of the lungs as possible.
7.  Repeat and continue for a few minutes, or as long as you can.
8.  Try to this as many times a week as possible, and utilise this while in stressful, anxiety activating situations.
9.  Practise and integrate this into your daily life and it will become easier over time.
10.  The more you integrate this, the more you automatically start to control your breathing at times of anxiety, stress and overwhelm.

There are great resources to help with this on YouTube. Phone apps are useful and I personally recommend Smiling Mind.

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Grounding Skills

Grounding is a coping tool and skill for staying present in the current moment, and helps with dissociation, flashbacks and emotion regulation.

Using the 5 senses, we can ‘ground’ ourselves to keep the attention on the here and now. The following list is excellent from Living.well.org.au 

• Remind yourself of who you are now. Say your name. Say your age now. Say where you are now. Say what you have done today. Say what you will do next.
• Take ten breaths, focus your attention on each breath on the way in and on the way out. Say number of the breath to yourself as you exhale.
• Splash water on your face.
• Sip a cool drink of water.
• Hold a cold can or bottle of soft drink in your hands. Feel the coldness, and the wetness on the outside. Note the bubbles and taste as you drink.
• As you wake, during the night, remind yourself who you are, and where you are. Tell yourself who you are and where you are. What age are you now? Look around the room and notice familiar objects and name them. Feel the bed your are lying on, the warmth or coldness of the air, and notice any sounds you hear.
• Feel the clothes on your body, whether your arms and legs are covered or not, and the sensation of your clothes as you move in them.
• If you are with other people, and you feel comfortable with them, concentrate closely on what they are saying and doing, and remind yourself why you are with them.
• If you are sitting feel the chair under you and  the weight of your body and legs pressing down onto it.
• If you are lying down, feel the contact between your head, your body and your legs, as they touch the surface you are lying on. Starting from your head, notice how each past feels, all the way down to your feet, on the soft or hard surface.
• Stop and listen. Notice and name what you can hear nearby and in the distance.
• Hold a mug of tea in both hands and feel its warmth. Don’t rush drinking it, take small sips and take your time tasting each mouthful.
• Look around you, notice what is front of you and to each side, name first large objects and then smaller ones.
• Get up, walk around, take your time to notice each step as you take one then another.
• Stamp your feet notice the sensation and sound as you connect with the ground.
• Clap and rub your hands together, hear the noise and feel the sensation in your hands and arms.
• Wear an elastic band on your wrist (not tight) and flick it gently, so that you feel it spring back on your wrist as it
• If you can, step outside, notice the temperature of the air and how much it is different or similar to where you have just come from.
• Stretch.
• Notice five things you can see, five things you can hear, and five things you can feel, taste, or smell.
• If you have a pet, spend some time with them. Notice what is special and different about them.
• Run your hands over something with an interesting texture. Describe it in your mind, as if you have never felt anything like it before.
• Get a sultana, a nut, or some seeds. Focus on how it looks, feels and smells. Put it in your mouth and roll it around, noticing how it feels. Chew it slowly and mindfully, before noticing how it feels to swallow.

Victim Shaming Throughout Society Is More Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

Throughout my work as an advocate and writer about abuse and trauma, it has become very clear and very concerning to me, as to the depths of victim shaming and victim blaming I see throughout society.

Just the simple and widely used phrase ‘don’t be a victim’ – is victim shaming and those with insight will understand why.

“There is no more shame in being a victim of abuse,

as there is a victim of any other crime.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have become an ‘anti-victim shaming warrior’ as a result of my life experiences, research and insight and I know the depths of harm it causes and how toxic it is. My aim is always to support survivors and to help them work out why different forms of abuse cause harm, with victim shaming being one of them.

Some will argue that victim shaming is not always meant with malice and I agree – but that doesn’t make it okay, or any less harmful and education is required to reduce it and support the victims/survivors.

This is a list of some of the types of victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting and psychological abuse I see as a result.

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When Perpetrators Of The Abuse Are Family

There is a lot of shaming of abuse survivors, where the perpetrator is a family member, or collective dysfunctional/abusive family. Sayings like “but they’re family”, “she’s your mother, she did the best she could” and suggestions that family are exempt from being accountable for the abuse, are all ways survivors of abuse face being shamed for their needed emotions about being abused by family, and shamed for wanting healthy and needed boundaries from abusive family.

No-one has to tolerate ongoing abuse and harm – just because it’s from family members.

Survivors have a right to a full range of emotions about abusive family and every right to have safe boundaries to stop ongoing abuse.

“The amount of distance required away from

abusive family, is directly ‘relative’

to amount of harm they are choosing to

inflict and their unwillingness to stop”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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About Forgiving Abusers

This is common one I see throughout society, and within the abuse survivor community. Society has been so brainwashed by religious and spiritual abuse and the belief that you must forgive your abuser in order to heal and in order to be a ‘good person’. Neither of these are correct. A survivor of abuse can make a personal choice about forgiveness, but it is not okay to project that onto others. Survivors can heal and move on from the abuse, without forgiving the abuser. Some survivors of abuse find it empowering to forgive and some find it empowering not to. It is not an act of aggression to close the door to the past abuse and not look back.

Some survivors of abuse decide after considerable contemplation and soul searching, that it is simply not their responsibility or burden to forgive an unrepentant and unremorseful abuser. That is an educated and insightful decision. Not forgiving does not mean you hold onto anger. It does not mean you are a ‘bad/unkind person’. And it certainly is not weakness, or an act of spite or a character flaw. I see considerable shaming about this issue – even from other survivors. I also see how forced forgiveness, premature forgiveness and forgiving non-remorseful abusers, can actually be damaging to the survivor’s healing and can also allow abuse to continue.

I am thankful to see mental health professionals taking a stand on this and expressing their concern about the shaming issue of forgiveness.

For more info see:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-i-dont-use-the-word-forgiveness-in-trauma-therapy-0120164

https://evergreencounseling.com/why-you-dont-need-or-have-to-forgive-anyone-if-you-dont-want-or-feel-ready-to/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/when-forgiveness-isnt-a-v_b_8870524

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Not Being ‘Compassionate Enough’ For Their Abusers

Often people want to jump straight to assuming an abuser must have reasons why they became abusive and this somehow leads to being an ‘excuse’. Yes, there are reasons that may have led to someone becoming an abusive person, but they are not excuses. Abuse is a choice and that needs to be very clearly understood. Someone’s trauma and abuse history, is not an excuse to abuse someone. Many survivors of abuse and trauma do not go on to become abusive themselves, and this is a choice anyone can make.

In suggesting that an abuse survivor is not ‘compassionate enough’ about the abuser’s possible reasons for being abusive, this is inappropriate and victim shaming. An abuse survivor does not ‘have’ to feel compassion for someone who caused terrible pain and suffering and to say otherwise, is psychological abuse.

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When Abuse Victims React Back To The Abuser

This is a very clear issue I see occurring, where after ongoing and relentless abuse – the victim reacts backs to the perpetrator e.g. in anger, calls the abuser names, even hitting them back. This is not abuse – when it is a reaction to ongoing abuse and provocation. But, these actions are wrongly deemed by some to be abuse.

It is very unreasonable to assume a victim of ongoing abuse, should have perfect reactions and always remain calm. It is victim shaming to suggest that reactions that are out of the normal character for that victim’s behaviour, and only occurred due to ongoing and relentless abuse, are wrong. Even the most patient, loving, kind, empathic people can be pushed to react in ways they would never normally behave, under extreme provocation and after enduring ongoing abuse.

It’s also further psychological abuse when the abuser then claims to be ‘the victim’, due to these reactions to the abuse inflicted. This occurs very often with abusers and is part of their ongoing manipulation and gaslighting abuse.

It is very normal to be angry at being abused. It is healthy to feel anger at the injustices suffered and it is shows the victim loves themselves enough to be upset at the mistreatment and harm they have endured.

For more info see:

https://www.breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

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Not Leaving An Abusive Relationship ‘Soon Enough’

There are many very valid reasons why abuse victims don’t leave abusive relationships quickly. To suggest the abuse is their ‘own fault’ because they didn’t leave, is victim shaming and abusive. To suggest they are ‘asking for it’ if they stay or go back, is victim blaming and abusive.

The focus should not be “why didn’t he/she leave?” – it should be “why didn’t the perpetrator stop abusing?”.

For further info see:

Nuggets Of Healing Posts From June 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The moment I realised it was never my job or responsibility to stop an abuser being abusive – was a significant step in healing.
It was never my job to be a peacekeeper with a toxic abuser.
It was never my job to try to get an abuser to develop a conscience.
It was never my job to help an abuser learn empathy and kindness.
It was never my job to teach a grown adult decent behaviour.
It was never my job to accept non genuine apologies, or ignore the lack of remorse.
It was never my job to parent in a way that made up for the toxic parents’ abuse and poor role modelling.
It was never my job to walk on egg shells continually to reduce the abuser’s anger and moods.
It was never my job to make excuses for an abuser.
My job as a woman is to refuse to tolerate abuse, disrespect and callous behaviour by anyone, including abusive men.
My job as a human being is to know and only tolerate being loved, respected and treated with dignity and kindness.
My job as a mother is to teach my sons that abusing women and children is never okay, should never be justified and what love in a healthy relationship looks and feels like, and to tolerate nothing less.
I am not, was not, and will not ever be responsible for an abuser.
Period.

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With toxic abusers, like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths – the survivor may feel like it’s unfair that they often don’t get any consequences for their choices to abuse people.

I don’t care whether they get consequences or not, because I know the toxic abuser will never be happy, never be fulfilled, never know what love is and never have healthy and genuine relationships.

The toxic abuser will always be shallow, empty, callous and alone….. no matter their situation.

Their punishment and consequences are who they are and who they choose to be.

Whereas, the survivor can go on to have everything the toxic abuser will never have. Real relationships, love, genuine connection, fulfilment, happiness and joy.

And knowing all this, is enough for me.

I don’t need to wish bad consequences for the toxic abuser – they’re already creating that for themselves.

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Thinking about toxic people who choose to cause terrible suffering on a ongoing basis… as heinous, vile, disgusting, evil etc….
Are very normal and healthy reactions and thought processes.
Is not a mental illness issue like ‘splitting’ or black and white distorted thinking.
It’s not a pathological response.
It’s not a lack of compassion for the abuser.
It’s completely normal to be disgusted.
You do not have to see ‘the good’ in an abuser.
You do not have to make excuses for an abuser.
It’s very healthy to consider ongoing abuse and the suffering it causes, as heinous.
It’s intelligence to know there are no valid excuses for causing ongoing abuse to another person.
Don’t let anyone shame you for your very normal and healthy response to ongoing abuse.

Feel free to call an abuser anything you want and don’t allow anyone to police your thoughts and feelings about abuse, or about the abuser.
And have very strong boundaries with anyone who believes otherwise.

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Love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.
You do not love someone, if you are choosing to harm them.
Love doesn’t hurt.
When you love someone – you want the best for them, you want them to be happy and you care about their needs.
And this includes all forms of abuse: emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, spiritual and physical.
This also includes: continual lying, manipulating, selfish behaviours, cheating, deceiving, gaslighting and having no remorse for harm caused.
Love – doesn’t do any of these.
Period.
I repeat – love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.

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I made the mistake of thinking I could help a heinous abuser change.
I hoped counselling for him with a psychologist who specialized in sex offenders and personality disorders, would be enough to get him to develop a conscience, develop empathy, stop being abusive…. but I was very wrong.
He didn’t want to change because he enjoys being an empty, shallow, exploitative and callous abuser.
You can’t help toxic abusers and I would NEVER suggest to anyone to try. It can make your life more unsafe and put you in danger, as it did with me.
No-one should tolerate abuse, tolerate disrespect, tolerate being treated like an object.
I deserve caring, honest, warm, kind people in my life, and I will never again settle for anything less.
And my children deserve not to be subjected to an abuser, they deserve the peace and safety we now have and a mum who is happy and thriving.

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My 10 year old and I have started doing mindfulness and relaxation meditations.

We sit on the soft rug on the floor in a quiet room and follow guided meditations from the free app Smiling Mind. It’s a great free app which he told me about – as his class had been doing some in school.

I love knowing they are teaching mindfulness and relaxation meditations in school. Such a great skill to learn when young

My son loves doing them each evening with me 💕

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😁😁😁
I’ve had braces on for the last 2 and half years and today the top ones were removed.
I love my new smile already! 😁
It feels like a victory in my healing and self care journey – in doing something that should have been done in my childhood, but wasn’t.
I decided in my 40’s it needed doing and I am really pleased with the results.
My dentist has been so supportive in my domestic violence healing journey – as she and her family suffered dv from her (police officer) father and she has a charity she runs for dv survivors.
When I get the bottom braces removed, she’s doing whitening as a gift for me!
So thankful and feel so blessed!
💜😁💜😁💜

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Suppressing trauma, dissociating from it, ignoring it, distracting attention away from it, minimizing it, avoiding emotions etc ….. none of these help healing.

In fact, long term they worsen the consequences of the trauma.

Unprocessed, unhealed trauma never goes away. It festers and is unconsciously expressed as physical illness, mental illness, relationship issues, emotional issues etc.

Suppressing, dissociating and avoiding may work short term as a coping strategy, but never long term.

Healing requires: processing the trauma, knowing the full consequences of it, figuring out all the ways it has affected the survivor, finding out how to manage the mental and physical illness consequences, honestly admitting what the survivor needs to change in terms of thinking, beliefs and behaviours.

Healing also requires grieving and that’s a painful process, that means we have to deal with uncomfortable truths and emotions.

Healing is not an easy, fun or nice process. It’s hard, painful and requires alot of self honesty.

This is why so many don’t heal. It’s too hard. Some don’t have the emotional resources for it all. Some don’t even know what is required to begin to heal.

But, I do believe every survivor can heal to their own capacity, with an understanding of what is needed.

I see too much emotional bypassing, emotion avoidance, dissociating and trauma processing avoidance being encouraged and that makes me sad – because it’s harming people more long term.

I want people to heal to their own capacity and that’s my motivation for my online work.

And that starts with saying what is required to heal and what does not help.

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I’ve stopped feeling sad and grieving about all the love, effort and kindness I wasted in a relationship with a toxic abuser…..

And I’ve started feeling excited and hopeful about how it will feel to be in a great relationship with a good, emotionally healthy man, and offer all that love, effort and kindness and…. receive it all back!

And have the relationship I always deserved.

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It’s Not All About Me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

An example…
There are survivors in their 60’s and older – who are still dealing with the effects of complex trauma.
And that’s okay.
There is no timeframe for healing from complex trauma.
I keep this in mind all the time, because the last thing any survivor needs to read – is that everyone should be able to heal fully and in X amount of time. And feel shame for not being ‘healed already’.
Why do I think about this?
Because I’m not ‘all about me’.
I care about other people, their journeys, needs and emotions.
Healing and managing symptoms can be a lifelong journey and there is no shame in that.
And people who do shame other survivors are very selfish and lack empathy – causing harm in the process.
Empathy is vital.
Empathy is about thinking of other people’s journeys and how our words and views impact others.
Empathy is about knowing other people can have life issues that greatly impact the capacity to heal, for no fault of their own.
Empathy is thinking about how my posts impact others and are they written to help, care and support others?
Being an advocate for complex trauma survivors takes empathy to truly be of assistance to others.
Empathy is about others, about the needs of others, caring about the impact of what we do – whilst also maintaining boundaries and caring for self.
There is no advocacy, without empathy.

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🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

One red flag in a narcissistic abuser, is how they view what you do for them and how they view what they should do for you.

This will one of many red flags you can discern.

About 2 years ago, I said to the ex – that for 18 years – he expected to be told how great he is (when he’s not) and wanted continual appreciation for the bare minimum efforts he made in doing things for the family.

Yet, he showed zero appreciation for all the many huge efforts I made, which were in fact far beyond the average, including what I did for him.

When I said to him “you have never shown any appreciation for anything I do for you, never thanked me, not even one time” – his reaction was disgust. His face screwed up in disgust. He had no verbal response, including no awareness how wrong his attitude is. And that reaction was a huge red flag.

He was disgusted at the thought of having to be appreciative, or thank me for my huge efforts, for him, for our children, for our family.

That disgust is the toxic narcissistic ego that believes people are there as objects to be used and abused.

That disgust is their overwhelming sense of entitlement to have victims doing whatever the narc demands, whilst giving nothing of worth back.

It’s proof that they don’t see people as human beings with needs, feelings, emotions. It’s just all about the narc.

It’s proof they don’t see relationships as a two way street. It’s all one way – as per their exploitative and parasitic needs.

These subtle signs and red flags are not always obvious, but when you begin to dissect the relationship and reflect on all the attitudes, motivations and behaviours, you see clearly what the narcissistic abuser truly is.

They are toxic, selfish, entitled, cruel, exploitative parasites and emotional vampires, who suck the life out of you and have no remorse for the harm they cause.

And no-one deserves to be treated that way.

And yes, it’s very normal to be angry and hurt and feel disgusted and repulsed about that abuser. Because their actions and abuse were a choice. And it’s never okay to treat someone so inhumanely.

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I educate about abuse and abusers, because interpersonal trauma – abuse – is the main cause of Complex PTSD.

Abuse causes many long term issues that include the victim feeling shame, feeling defective, being vulnerable to more abuse (particularly if a child abuse survivor), re-victimisation, self blame and more.

Part of the healing process is to understand why the abuse occurred – as in truly knowing the abuse was all a reflection of the abuser’s character disturbance and not a reflection of the victim’s worth or value.

The abuse is all about the abuser’s issues and many abusers project blame and shame onto the victim.

The victim/survivor needs to heal from this by learning they were never to blame for the abuse they suffered.

The survivor also needs to learn all the red flags, in order to not be vulnerable to another toxic abuser.

This helps reduce re-victimisation and helps the survivor to engage only in healthy appropriate relationships.

I don’t educate about abusers as an act of hate towards them, I educate about abusers as an act of love for survivors.

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Nuggets Of Healing Posts, In April 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others.

Why Learning All I Have About Abuse & Abusers ~ Is An Awesome Achievement ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.

I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.

I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better. 

There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.

Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.

Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.

I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.

I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.

But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.

But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.

I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.

However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.

I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.

Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity???? 

I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.

But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.

A Near Serious Car Crash Is Terrible – Especially With PTSD & Vasovagal Nerve Damage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

 

My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family.  Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.

Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay.  Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.

Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.

Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.

I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago

2 Million Views

 

I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.

Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.

This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.

I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.

I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.

I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.

I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt. 

I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.

I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.

This means I personally – will never be okay.

I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.

I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.

People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.

I have no hope for my situation to improve.

I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.

I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality.  Shaming me in the process.