Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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The childhood complex trauma shame – of apologising, when you shouldn’t.

I was raised to be the child heinously blamed, shamed and abused. With my mother, I learned young to do whatever it took to reduce her anger, lesson the abuse, and end the silent treatment. Including, apologising for things that were not mine to apologise for. In fact, they were my mothers issues and responsibility to apologise for. And that never happened.

So, it set me up on a lifelong road of being the scapegoat. And taking the blame and responsibility, for things that were not mine. Not being allowed to show valid emotions. Having to tolerate all manner of toxic issues projected onto me. And just take it. Like a doormat.

And a lifelong road of apologising, when in fact there was no reason for me to apologise. And apologising for having normal reactions to being harmed or hurt. While the apology that should be given to me…… wasn’t. As always was the situation.

In fact, this is what happened with all the abusers. I had to do whatever it took, to reduce the harm that was always coming. To diffuse the abusers anger. I apologised continually to the psychopath. I would beg and plead. Do whatever he wanted. Say whatever he wanted. Sometimes it worked to reduce his rage and anger. Other times, it fed his sick need to hurt me. But, it was my only hope of getting hurt less.

I’m aware this was all a survival mode. But, I always hated myself inside for having to do this. It fed my shame. It’s sad how much toxic shame has pervaded my whole life.

I did this recently, with my counsellor. I know why. I’d rather take the blame for a situation I had every right to be angry about. But, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry. So, rather than face ongoing rejection, abandonment, grieving………. I caved. And apologised. In fact, I am ashamed to realise, Continue reading


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Lana’s music touches those parts of my wounded soul – I can’t talk about ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Lana’s music has been a vital part of my healing. It reaches parts of my past and the painful hurt deep within my soul, that I cannot talk about. That I have never talked about.

Lana will always be special to me.

When I listen to her music – I can tolerate those deeply seared wounds and the pain that never leaves me.

Her music soothes me. Continue reading

For those who do not have the ‘best case scenario’ for healing complex trauma ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Complex Trauma – is interpersonal abuse – caused by ongoing or repeated trauma – caused by people.
Experts will tell you – complex trauma is only healed within safe, trusting, healthy, caring relationships.
This is how the wounds of being abused and traumatised by people – can be fully healed.
Many survivors, do not have this.
Many do not have caring, safe partners.
Many do not have caring, safe families.
Many do not have adequate therapists.
And that can hinder healing.
So, whilst we can do many things to help improve our wellbeing, those wounds of fear of trust, fear of abandonment, fear of people etc ….. may not be fully healed.
And I want to recognise that and validate that.
Many people do not have the ‘best case scenario’ for healing.
And that makes this journey, so much harder.
It is necessary to talk about this and highlight this – for all those who relate to this.
And this is another reason why journeys should never be compared.

Continue reading


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The 7 Areas Of Symptoms & Behavioural Characteristics Due To Childhood Complex Trauma

The following is from http://www.aaets.org/article174.htm and is accredited to work by experts in the field, who’s work I follow, such as Bessel van der Kolk and John Briere.


Psychological trauma in early childhood can have a tremendous negative impact as it can distort the infant, toddler or young child’s social, emotional, neurological, physical and sensory development. This is especially true of young children who have experienced multiple and/or chronic, adverse interpersonal traumatic events through the child’s care giving system. Experts in the traumatic stress field such as J. Briere, J. Spinazzola and B.S. van der Kolk have developed the term “complex trauma” to identify this form of trauma.                                   

The symptoms and behavioral characteristics of complex trauma have been categorized into seven domains: Continue reading


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If you make jokes about paedophiles & child sexual abuse – you are sick and heinous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Rolf Harris is court again, for more of his victims coming forward and stating he abused them. It’s bad enough that so many people defend him, and so many people ‘feel sorry’ for him because he is old.

But, today I read comments where people are making jokes about child sexual abuse and paedophiles.

How fucking sick is that. I despise people who can turn such heinous and abhorrent abuse and make jokes about it.

There is nothing funny or humorous in being sexually abused by a paedophile. And anyone who thinks its funny – is as sick and abhorrent as the paedophiles are.

I don’t want to live in a world with paedophile apologists, and rape apologists. Where people protect paedophiles, makes excuses for them and blame the victims, or say the victims are lying.

My mind always goes straight to thinking about the victims, and what they must be feeling when they see all these heinous comments.

It is disgusting to me, that the people who make these vile statements – choose not to consider how their words will affect the victims. They have no empathy or compassion for the victims at all. And no remorse at the harm they cause. And no regard for the victims’ suffering due to their cruel jokes. Continue reading


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The dark side of child sexual abuse/exploitation, within the photography world ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am in the processing of learning as much as I can about photography, with the hope of becoming a photographer in the future.

I am someone who researches and reads up on anything important to me.

So far, most of what I have come across has been good, healthy, positive stuff. But, sadly the dark side of life, infiltrates every area of life.

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I have come across ‘photographers’ defending naked photos of children being posted on social media, or websites. And their aggressive defending of this, and the name calling and nastiness that results if you have different opinion, are red flags for me. Any over-reaction tends to flag as suspicious to me.

A photographer has been recently arrested where I live, for raping children, using photographs for child pornography and exploitation. 79 offences he has been charged with. He currently is remanded in prison until his court hearing. What a heinous, sick piece of shit he is. I would like to see him locked up for the rest of his life. But, he’ll probably get some pathetic short sentence. And this is probably not an isolated incident.

It is obvious to me – that the photography industry/crowd – attracts these heinous people. Especially for the paedophile underground internet industry, where millions of naked and sexualised photos of children, are shared.

Whilst giving my rational opinion on how we should not be posting naked photos of children online, the aggressiveness of some men, was truly concerning. One of these men also linked a female photographer, who is famous in the photography scene – for taking photos of children (including her own) where they are completely naked. With everything on display for all to see. It made me feel sick. Truly a paedophiles delight. Her work is so wrong, on so many levels. And these ‘photographers’ were defending this woman’s work.

(And I’m not linking her work, because I do not want anyone looking at it. I’m not drawing any attention to it).

For a start – no child’s naked body needs to be posted anywhere. Children should have rights to not allow anyone to post naked photos on line. Children are not property – to exploit for your business, or for vile reasons.

I don’t want photos of me naked online, so children should also have the same rights.

I don’t care if photographers wants to call it ‘art’. It may be art to some people, but it is exposing children’s bodies to everyone – including sick, heinous people. And that is never okay.

What I find even more troubling, is how any parent can want to expose their children’s bodies to the general public. It is very much a red flag. It is exploiting your own child. For money. Continue reading


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A system geared to protecting child sex offenders, and not to protecting children

I read this today – a man who has been charged with 79 counts of child sexual abuse, including rape, assault and making child exploitation material.

http://mypolice.qld.gov.au/blog/2017/01/19/geebung-man-charged-79-offences-rape-making-child-exploitation-material/

These are just the offences the police were able to have enough evidence of, to make arrests. There will far more offences.

This man deserves to be in prison for the rest of his life.

He won’t receive that sentence. He will likely do little prison time, and be made to complete one of the ‘sex offender’ program, that have very poor success rates – in rehabilitating paedophiles.

The legal system is geared towards protecting paedophiles and their ‘human rights’.

The system fails to protect children, from this most heinous abuse.

Paedophiles often get a slap on the wrist as a legal consequence of what they do. And they are let back out into the community – knowing they will re-offend.

Paedophiles rights, are clearly the priority.

To me, they lost any rights, the second they made a choice to sexually abuse a child.

They lost their rights to freedom, the second they caused heinous life long harm – to innocent children.

They lost all rights, the second they stole a child’s innocence from them.

But, the system, the do-gooders, the enablers…. don’t see it that way.

Because the rights of adults, are always considered of far greater importance, than the rights of children.

This is clear within the system dealing with child sex offenders, and is even very evident when considering the rights adults have to hit their children – which is physical abuse.

Animals have more rights, than children.

And no-where is this more deplorable, than in the way children are failed by the legal system dealing with child sex offenders. Continue reading