Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I’ve always related to living, fighting & surviving a war ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

You don’t have to have been in combat

– to have been fighting a war.

The first 20 years of my life were all about survival.

The war of severe child abuse.

The war of surviving child sexual abuse.

The war of emotional, psychological,

mental, verbal and physical abuse.

The war of surviving a psychopath

– who had killed a previous girlfriend.

The war of absolute captivity abuse.

As a child.

As a teenager.

Fighting to stay safe.

Fighting danger all around me.

Every day.

I know now, why I have always been so emotional Continue reading


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I realise now – my counsellor was selfishly ‘normalising’ evil all along.

When reflecting on conversations I have had with my ex-counsellor, I realise now, she was trying to normalise evil all along.

This blog has many times where I have written about her highly inappropriate attitudes. One of my most popular blog posts, is about her incapacity to show normal emotions, about sick, evil, heinous abusers like paedophile child rapists.

One conversation in particular stands out, where she tried to tell me another client had a paedophile father, and this sicko’s adult child – believed he loved her. And my counsellor tried to make this evil paedophile – seem normal – by telling me this other clients situation. She wanted me to believe the paedophiles and sex offenders in my life – were normal too.

How sick is that.

I know now, how incredibly inappropriate my counsellor was. She didn’t want to accept evil exits, or that people can simply be heinous, sick, evil, vile beings. She wanted to believe they were good people – who ‘sometimes did bad things’. Her words.

That’s how deluded she is. She is no better than paedophile priest enablers. No wonder she would never comment on all the paedophilia in the Catholic church. No wonder she would never agreed with me about the Royal Commission being necessary. She is no better than any of these other sick church people who enabled paedophiles.

No doubt she believes paedophile priests are good people too – who ‘sometimes do bad things’. In fact, she probably believes the child victims, were in fact the evil ones – ‘tempting these adults’. That’s what many sick church people choose to believe. The children were the evil ones – tempting the poor adult victims into sexually abusing them.

I realise now why despite her making it clear my mother is a child sex offender and her referring to my childhood situation as being ‘your mother sold you to paedophiles/sex offenders’ – she still tried to normalise my mother and make me feel sorry for her.

I now know, my counsellors only goal was to make the perpetrators of heinous, intentional, sick abuse – seem normal and blame the victims for the abuse.

She used the minimizing and trivialising of evil tactic, and made me feel like I was not ‘good enough’ if I didn’t feel sorry for them.

And I know why she did this. It was all completely selfish, self serving reasons. She provides counselling for these sick, evil, heinous ‘people’. And it’s easier to sit with evil and talk to it, when you minimize their evil, when you minimize and trivialise their sick needs, when you minimize the life impacting and terrible consequences of child sexual abuse and in some way blame the victims.

I’ve said it before and I absolutely know this is right…… you cannot be a counsellor for perpetrators and victims of abuse. And my ex counsellor is Continue reading


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Child Sexual Abuse / Rape Is Soul Murder

soul-murder

People minimize child sexual abuse all the time.

Especially those who have not endured it. They have NO opinion on it.

Some survivors minimize it too – as a way of coping. Which is understandable, but not helpful to those who deal with the full reality.

I don’t minimize, trivialise or invalidate the heinous nature of it, or the lifelong impact of it.

It is soul murder. Continue reading


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I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Yet to many – I am not ‘good enough’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

woman-looking-away
Child sexual abuse is an invisible wound.
It doesn’t leave outer scars.
When I was enduring child sexual abuse, no-one would have known just by looking at me.
There were no bruises, no scars.
But the wounds and pain I felt on the inside, were beyond description.
They still are.
.
The nightmares I still have, about this most heinous abuse, is something no-one will understand – unless they too have endured similar.
The terror.
The dissociation to cope.
The fear.
Never being safe – from disgusting hands upon me.
No-one to go to.
No one is safe.
.
As a child I did not understand what was happening to me, in the same way an adult will understand being sexually abused.
But, I still knew it was terribly wrong.
And I couldn’t try to stop it.
So I froze and it happened over and over and over.
.
It made me hate myself.
The shame.
Feeling damaged.
Dirty.
Used.
Defective.
The fear still related to sexual intimacy, that has plagued my entire life.
Death has been my only way to achieve peace.
Because, I have none.
I don’t know what peace is.
.
And in some ways, it is now even worse.
Because, I now know – the full heinous, disgusting, vileness of it all and how badly it has impacted my life.
And most people don’t care.
.
“Get over it” they say.
“Move on, stop dwelling” they demand.
“Stop acting like a victim” they sneer.
“Haven’t you forgiven those paedophiles yet?”- they shame me with.
.
I would do anything to ‘get over it’ and have these horrific and disgusting flashbacks, body memories, nightmares and intrusive memories out of my head.

Severe PTSD and Complex PTSD

– don’t let you forget.

No matter how much

you desperately want to.

.
Decades I have been dealing with this.
Since I ever remember, I have been dealing with severe and horrific trauma and abuse.

Continue reading


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Stop ‘Normalising’ Paedophilia – It Makes You As Sick & Heinous As They Are ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

If I read one more article written by so called mental health professionals calling paedophilia a ‘sexual orientation – no different to being gay’…….. I think I will scream.

The LGBTIQ community should be very pissed off at having their sexual orientation compared to child sex offenders and paedophiles vile ‘needs’.

There is a HUGE difference.

The LGBTIQ community are participating in consensual sex between grown ADULTS.

Paedophiles and child sex offenders – are abusing CHILDREN and BABIES. Which is sick and heinous. And not at all normal, in any way.

And it is NOT consensual, or remotely okay.

evil

Paedophilia is evil.

It is evil at work.

It is evil in action.

Stop ‘normalising’ evil.

It makes you as

heinous as they are.

And I don’t care who disagrees with me.

Normalising sick and heinous behaviours – is also sick and heinous.

And I will call anyone out on this,……….because it is never okay to normalise abuse and sick heinous thoughts, needs or behaviours – that cause the victims so much harm.

Calling paedophilia a sexual orientation is deplorable.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Continue reading


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Not All Wounds Heal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

There are some wounds that may never heal and I am at peace with this now.

The child sexual abuse I endured as a child, was the worst abuse I endured – as in the life long, deep, core wounds impact. Especially knowing my own mother was complicit in it. That has created deep wounds I will never recover from.

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Abuse survivors, are often made to feel like all wounds ‘have’ to be healed. But, I don’t believe that.

Some people will heal all wounds, and some won’t. That’s the reality. And there is no shame in that, no matter what others say.

But, I am determined that despite the wounds that aren’t healing and likely won’t…. I am still creating a life for myself, that has joy, love, fun, purpose and meaning.

I liken this to someone who loses limbs. Their life is never the same and there are some things they will never be capable of…. but their life can still be a good life, with many areas of their life being wonderful.

I deal with reality and the reality is – for some people not all wounds will heal. And demanding all abuse survivors heal all wounds, simply shames some – that won’t achieve that unreasonable expectation.

More insights, I have come to realise, on my own journey.

And if anyone wants to suggest that is ‘not good enough’ – they can take a hike!

Because I don’t let anyone shame me.

Not anymore.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Continue reading


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Complex Trauma & Forgiveness – Pete Walker

lilac-blank-poster-007

http://www.pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm

Take note…….. “and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process.”

I continually see this assumption, and black and white viewpoint that you must forgive to heal, healing cannot occur without forgiving, and if you don’t forgive – you are bitter and revengeful. All completely wrong, shallow thinking and harmful thinking.

And – shames survivor of heinous abuse – which is more abuse. Continue reading