There is much debate about these two questions. For me there is no debate. I don’t self soothe with lies that make it easier to bear.
I know some survivors of abuse choose to believe their abuser ‘couldn’t help it’. That’s easier to deal with, than the truth of knowing an abuser intentionally abused them.
I know there are mental health professionals, who choose to believe abusers don’t know their actions are abuse. I am aware this is also self soothing – so it’s easier to provide therapy and be nice to them.
All of my abusers knew it was wrong, abuse and they all proved they could control their behaviours. So, the only answer left – was they intentionally, deliberately and knowingly abused me.
Sadly, these are also some of the attitudes of survivors of abuse too. They choose to minimize or invalidate their own trauma and other people’s trauma, to cope. And they then demand other people do the same. They can also make excuses for the abuser – to make it all feel better. Or they will demand that ‘forgiveness’ is necessary and shame other survivors, or demand ‘forgive and forget’ is the way to deal with it. They will also use phrases such as ‘let it go, move on’.
All unhealthy attitudes, that do not aid healing. So, I do advise people ignore such unhealthy attitudes. Continue reading →
I am not thankful for all the abuse I have endured in my life….. I don’t thank abusers for the harm they inflict. I don’t do all that shallow rationalising that I somehow ‘needed’ to be abused, to help others.
But, I am glad I am someone able to use all the trauma I have endured, to help others – through an understanding of lived experience.
Spiritual abuse is something I have endured. Grooming from a pastor, narcissistic abuse from him, his wife, the senior pastor and most of the flock, who sided with the abusers, as often happens.
Toxic churches handle abuse really badly. They re-traumatise the victims over and over. Too many toxic churches and toxic church people victim blame, victim shame, and protect the abusers. It goes on a lot in the more conservative, fundamentalist churches.
I know the pain and suffering this causes.
I have such compassion for people who have endured spiritual abuse, which is also emotional and psychological abuse.
Spiritual abuse is severe abuse and greatly impacts people’s lives. Continue reading →
To those us of who have a conscience and feel bad about anything even minor we do that has hurt someone….. we wonder….. how can someone be so intentionally abusive, cause so much prolonged harm and suffering, and not feel bad about themselves or feel guilt about their actions???
As per Dr George Simon – an expert in toxic people…. it is because they have a disturbed character and do not have a conscience, and do not feel remorse, shame or guilt.
And despite what many will say…… there is in fact a healthy amount of shame and guilt felt by people with a healthy character, when they have done something wrong that hurts someone.
As I read more articles by Dr George Simon, I am validated in my understanding of toxic people and their lack of conscience. But, with the insight that they do know what they do is wrong, and they make choices to cause harm.
And it’s worth noting, most psychopaths are not serial killers or serial rapists. They are often undetected, living amongst us – unknown to be a ‘disturbed character’ unless you know how to detect them, due to their lack of empathy, conscience, guilt, remorse. And they can fake these – so it takes considerable awareness to detect them. Even Dr Robert Hare admits to being manipulated by them.
My insight – that toxic people will keep causing harm, unless they choose to feel remorse, choose to develop shame and guilt… is also validated in Dr George Simon’s work.
When someone is rewarded by their own toxic behaviours, and they feel no shame, no guilt and no remorse, they will likely continue these toxic, abusive behaviours. Which I have known and seen, all my life. Continue reading →
I am always glad when I see insight into abuse and those who choose to abuse.
I see people rationalising all the time. Perpetrators rationalise (e.g. avoiding accountability and facing what they truly are), abuse survivors will sometimes rationalise as an maladaptive coping strategy (e.g. if the victim makes excuses for the abuser it may feel like the abuse was less harmful than it actually is) and society often generally rationalises. (e.g. the perpetrator couldn’t help it, they were abused as a child).
I don’t make excuses, to make the abuse seem less harmful, or to make the abusers seem less intentional in their motivation.
I deal with the reality, which is far more painful to process.
Sometimes the disordered character will go to great lengths to attempt to “justify” a behavior he knows is wrong or knows others regard as wrong. Disturbed characters are forever making excuses for their harmful or hurtful conduct. They have an answer for everything they’re challenged about. When others confront them, they come up with a litany of reasons why their behavior was justified. In my work with disordered characters, I’ve heard literally thousands of excuses for irresponsible behavior.
When disturbed characters use the responsibility-avoidance tactic of rationalization (alternately: justification, or excuse-making) they’re not primarily trying to reconcile their conduct with their consciences, but rather trying to manipulate others into getting off their case by getting them to “buy into” the excuses they make. Their rationalizations are part of an external dialogue designed to cast the disturbed character as not as bad a person as others might otherwise think he is. So, their excuses are also part of their impression management scheme. Habitually attempting to justify behaviors they know are regarded by most people as clearly wrong is also another way the disturbed character resists internalizing appropriate standards of conduct and controls and therefore makes it ever more likely he will engage in the wrongful behavior again.Continue reading →
I am increasingly aware of the society push to believe abusers ‘don’t know what they are doing is wrong’. And making excuses for them. Or rationalising, blaming mental health, or blaming a traumatic past.
It’s all very unwise and incorrect.
I was very thankful, to receive this message from Dina McMillan – Social Psychologist and Relationship Expert (Ph.D., Stanford University). Black American. I specialize in domestic violence prevention and recovery.
In her professional experience, in all her confidential interviews with abusers….
“They were all aware of what they were doing, and didn’t change their behaviour.”
I discussed this in counselling today. And this was confirmed as 100% correct.
What I have come to know, is many fail to realise – in making excuses for abusive people, in pretending they are not aware, and therefore not accountable or responsible, they are enabled, and will not change.
Abusive people, won’t change, unless something forces them to change. No amount of enabling and failing to address their issues, is going to change them. Or stop the abuse.
Also people need to realise, many abusers have personality disorders. These are pervasive disorders, formed before adulthood, that involve a lack of empathy, remorse or conscience. Sure, they can fake these, because they mirror other people’s behaviours. But, inside – they have no remorse. No conscience. No willingness to change. Their behaviours reward what they want. And they want to hurt people. Their lack of empathy, allows them to harm people, with no sense of shame, or guilt.
And it is needed to be understood, personality disorders do not render people incapable of not being abusive. They make choices. They know it’s wrong. They do it anyway. They are still fully conscious and aware of their choices and the harm they cause.
So, when some people choose to believe these abusive people do ‘not know what they are doing’…. they are actually completely wrong. And not only are they invalidating the victims, and denying the victims of the truth…. they are failing to help the abusers. Continue reading →
