Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Black & White Views About Abuse Don’t Help Anyone ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I see these distorted views all over social media, perpetuated by survivors of abuse and mental health professionals.

When I see this, I know I am dealing with….. a non insightful person, someone not willing to deal with honesty, or someone with an unhealthy personal agenda.  Continue reading


Why Black & White Thinking Is Harmful & Needs To Be Ignored ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



I really am so over seeing how other people think we ‘must’ always be…



~ Like we ‘must’ always be ‘so strong’ all the time. Other people’s idea of strong, is not always what is necessary in each individual situation. And if we don’t meet their expectations, that does not make us weaker.

~ Like we ‘must’ always speak up and expose abusers etc. That is not always safe or the right thing to do, as it could worsen our situation. In fact, speaking up can cause more harm, and must be approached carefully and with caution.

~ Like we ‘must’ always be strong warrior survivors…. when that simply shames people who are struggling – and there is NO shame in struggling. And if some people need to wear that identity of being a warrior, that is fine, but they don’t get to shame others in the process.

~ Like we ‘must’ always go no contact with toxic people…. which is not always the right choice in every situation. Boundaries are necessary, but no contact is not always appropriate.

~ Like we ‘must’ forgive otherwise we will not heal, which is untrue and can cause a lot of damage in the healing journey. Premature forgiveness, is harmful. And you can heal without forgiving heinous intentional abuse.

Please do not listen to other people’s demands of these ‘absolutes’, when their journey and their reality – is not yours. And nor should it be.

Black and white thinking – which is what this issue is – is poor cognitive processing and cognitively distorted thinking. And a lack of empathy. Which needs to be ignored.

We each have our own journey, our own needs and they will often be different to others.

There is no ‘perfect’ or ‘one’ way to survive trauma and deal with the consequences of it.

And please don’t allow anyone to shame you into believing you are weak, or in some way inferior, as a result of your different needs.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.




1 Comment

People who rationalise abuse, as a gift…

I see people have all sorts of attitudes about abuse and often they are seeking to make the abuse somehow a ‘gift’.

Abuse is never a gift. Abuse is wrong, undeserved, and never excusable and should not be rationalised.

To suggest it is a gift – is to congratulate the abuser.

It is to suggest the victim, needed the abuse.

blank quote-001

It suggests the survivor had to be abused to ‘learn lessons’.

It really irritates me, when I see therapists, telling people that abuse was a gift. Rationalising it with BS like ‘your abusive mother showed you who not to be’.

Absolute rubbish and very unhealthy thinking.

Rationalising abuse is very distorted thinking and any therapists suggesting this is how abuse survivors should think, should not be therapists. Continue reading

Praise God – for more real Christians, writing about child abuse, victim blaming/shaming & shame shifting.

I am always so relieved and thankful when I see Christians, writing the truth…. about the continual victim blaming, victim shaming and shame shifting, that goes on in way too many churches.

Praise God, for the truth coming into the light!

I could have written this part myself. Exactly the same understanding, I have.

“The adult claims the child wanted it—or the child deserved it—or the child masterminded it—or the child needed it—or the child was sinful. Abusers constantly are trying to shift blame for abuse onto the victims they abused.

And society in general is more than willing to give abusers the benefit of the doubt. After all, we live in patriarchal times and men are the most common abusers. So we justify the abuse, or we excuse it, or we come up with reasons for why it was not the abuser’s fault, or we decide it was a mutual decision.

Then we repeat these stories and justifications and excuses and rationales over and over again, until even a self-contradictory biblical narrative is interpreted by churches and Christians in favor of the abuser for centuries.”

The Lot of the Abused: How We Shift the Blame Onto Victims




The ‘all or nothing’ thinking, about mental illness & crime.

It interests me, how so many people go to the continuum extremes, when emotive issues are being considered.

I see this more and more. Especially due to social media.

An example…..  a mother kills her child.

One end of the continuum – the mother is evil and deserves the death penalty.

The other end  – the mother must have mental illness issues and is not responsible for her actions.

Firstly, without knowing all the facts,  neither of these assumptions should be made. But, they are.

Secondly, the issue of mental illness, is not about whether there is mental illness, it’s what type of mental illness. Psychosis, ‘may’ be a reason.. Schizophrenia, may be a reason. Being a psychopath, may be a reason. The latter, meaning there is full and conscious responsibility for murder.

Most people don’t know, that some experts believe 1 in 25 people, are full blown psychopaths. Of those, a percentage will be sadistic, criminal psychopaths, who are capable and responsible for murder.

I increasingly sit in the middle of this continuum of thinking. I don’t jump to assumptions, based on the little facts, put out there by the media.

But, many will assume. Many feel entitled to assumptions. Many lack the insight to realise, their assumptions, are not wise.

So, in the case of the woman who killed her toddler child (and confessed to killing the child after lying to the police about the child being kidnapped)…… I will not assume she does or does not have mental illness issues, that made her unable to be responsible for her actions. I will not assume, she did or did not plan the death of her child. I will not assume anything.

Because, I do not know enough.

I will not pretend to be ‘so compassionate’ as to assume e.g. psychosis. That’s not compassion, that’s wanting to make a terrible situation, feel less terrible.

I will not pretend to be someone who can assume she is an evil psychopath. That’s not healthy and is a complete lack of compassion.

I’ll sit in the middle, where it is far more wise and discerning. Where assumptions are not made. Where excuses are not made. Where rationalising, is not used.

I will let the police and those dealing with her mental health issues, decide.

And pray that if she is a psychopath/personality disorder type, that she does not dupe and manipulate the psychiatrists. As can easily happen. And has happened. Many times.

And I pray if she has been experiencing psychosis, she receives the understanding, empathy and support, she needs. Continue reading

1 Comment

Mental illness, has become the excuse for everything abhorrent.

The news is sadly full of murders of children by relatives. Sweet, innocent children being murdered by the very people who are meant to care for them.

And mental illness, of course, is the ‘go to’ excuse for it all. Even though, there is no evidence of mental illness in the media coverage. So people are simply ‘assuming’ it is mental illness. And then telling people who are shocked and angry – they are wrong. They assume their assumptions, are the facts. When they are not.

Does anyone stop and wonder that even if there is some form of mental illness, that these heinous acts may still have been committed consciously? That the mental illness, did not in fact render the person incapable of knowing what they are doing?

Nope, it is assumed any mental illness can make you a child murderer and that becomes an excuse for anything. It’s the excuse for murder, child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence… etc.

And it is not compassion, to automatically make assumptions as to an excuse for the abhorrent act. That is self serving, to make life seem less ugly than it can be.

All of my abusers, probably had some form of mental illness…. paedophilia, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy etc disorders. But, did that render them incapable of knowing that the abuse was wrong. No. They all knew it was wrong, because they hid it, lied about it, and threatened me into silence. They consciously and deliberately and intentionally harmed me. They made choices and they made decisions to cause suffering. Their mental health, did not render them incapable of resisting being abusive.

So, using mental illness for all acts of suffering caused to another human being, regardless of the type caused, is not wise, or correct. We cannot assume the horrific act – whether it be murder, child sexual abuse, rape etc – was not consciously committed.

But, people love to assume……. and assumptions are rarely correct. And are never wisdom.

Assumptions are often made, to make the abhorrent act committed, seem less terrible. If an excuse can be made, it helps people deal with the situation. But, excuses are not reality. They are lies.

Mental illness, may be the easy excuse/rationalisation to assume, to apply to human beings committing acts so abhorrent, but they are not reality. Continue reading