Empathy Is Vital For Highly Traumatised Complex Trauma Survivors

Today, I saw an incest survivor commenting on a post on my Facebook page, clearly distraught and upset by comments advising her what to do (which was said from a place of kindness, but upset her more).

I was to be able to offer empathy and thankfully choose the right words to validate, not tell her what to do, and provide some comfort.

And I was in tears as I wrote it, and I truly do wish I could take away the terrible pain and suffering so many people endure.

I cannot give advice, but if I can offer words that comfort, I am so glad.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

So Good To Be Able To Help Teenagers In Need Of Support & Care ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One of my 15 year old son’s friends, was recently chucked out of his home, by his abusive alcoholic parents. He is currently staying with another friends parents home, which I am so thankful for.

When I picked my son up today, I gave his friend a card, with a message inside saying we know he is going through tough times and we wanted him to know he is always welcome at our home too. I wrote our mobile numbers and said he could call us anytime. I also included $50 for him to use, because he left home with very little.

He told me he couldn’t accept the money, but I insisted and I could see he was getting emotional. It took every bit of strength in me to not cry. To know how this boy is feeling, the abandonment, the abuse and trauma he has already endured, has made me very emotional.

I also asked if he and the friend he is staying with, wanted to come with us to basketball at the police run centre we go to every Wednesday after school, and they seemed really keen on that. So that was good. I also said I would talk to the parents where he is staying, to see how we can help.

As I walked away, I could feel the tears starting to fall down my cheeks.

I don’t know the issues going on in this boys parents home, but whatever his parents issues are, they have treated their son appallingly. And abusively. And that is not okay and not justified by their own issues with alcohol.

I want this boy to know there are people who care about him, and for him to know 2 families care about him, is important to a teen who has endured abuse. Especially when the abuse is your own parents. Your parents are meant to be the people who love you, cherish you and protect you the most. Abusive parents fail at this completely. That has deep effects on the child/teen and the adult they become.

Then we called into a fast food place, to get some ice-creams, and a girl I used to care for when she was a young teenager, was outside the fast food place, looking really unwell. She works there after university. I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was ill and had just been told to go home. So, I offered to give her a lift home and said to her she could phone me any time if stuck like that again. Her mum is a single mum, and has lots of problems associated with horrible divorces. When I used to care for this teenager girl and her siblings, she used to tell me all her problems and confide in me. She told my in-laws who were in the car, that I was the person who “helped her most when she was sad and I was like her therapist”. I nearly started crying again. It was clear I was an important part of her life, for the 4 years I cared for her after school and in the holidays. She gave me huge hugs when we got to her house.

I spend a lot of time, telling abuse survivors “I’m so sorry”.

 

Throughout my work, online, my website, my social media…. I have a lot of survivors express the abuse and harm they have endured. This harm can be from the abusers, from the family/friends/people who ignored it, from people who victim shamed and victim blamed, from religious people, from unhealthy therapists…. the list is endless.

Whenever someone shares their pain, and what they are enduring, I always say I am so sorry they have endured this. And they did not deserve this, in any way.

I say I am so sorry – because I may be the only person who says that. I may be the only person who validates their pain. I may be the only person who says they never deserved it.

Saying ‘I am so sorry’ are powerful words. Often abuse survivors never hear those words. Often all survivors hear is denial, excuses, minimization, and a range of other harmful and toxic responses.

And I always truly mean it. I am so sorry that any person is abused.

Brene Brown on Boundaries, Empathy & Compassionate

If you don’t have healthy boundaries, you cannot have empathy & compassion.

This is something I have learned & know is so true.

And the more I discern people with poor boundaries, the more I see their lack of empathy/compassion capacity.

This is why I will continue, with my mantra, of Boundaries, Balance & Self Care.

I know without any doubt, how vital they are.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

‘Natural Resilience To Major Life Stressors, Not So Common’

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/obsonline/natural-resilience-to-major-life-stressors-not-as-common-as-thought.html

Complex trauma, which is ongoing severe abuse, within a captivity situation, is one of the biggest life stressors, anyone can endure.

Yet, society demands that abuse and child abuse survivors, just ‘get over it’ and deem them to be weak, if they are not being ‘strong warrior survivors’. And throw out shaming statements like ‘don’t be a victim’. All shaming attitudes.

It has never made sense to me, that anyone who has endured some of the worst life experiences, are supposed to be ‘stronger’ than people who have not endured such impacting suffering.

It’s just another way to shame abuse survivors. And that is really wrong.

I am glad to see research that shows that natural resilience to major trauma, is not common. It takes pressure off survivors of severe abuse and complex trauma, to live up to society’s inappropriate demands.

Compassion and empathy, are vital when considering how complex trauma survivors are coping.

Please don’t shame survivors, who are not coping in a way deemed to be ‘strong’. It is cruel, harmful and can lead to suicide.

And if you are someone, who feels they are not coping well……… please know I will not shame you for this. I know you have already endured so much and how you are managing, is okay by me.

If you are struggling to get through the day, feeling suicidal, feeling like no-one cares and no-one understands……. please know I do understand, I do have empathy and I am not going to put cruel and inappropriate demands on you.

I would rather be a moon.

It’s easy to be the sun, all happy and chirpy and light up people’s lives.

It’s easy to tell everyone they should be all sparkly and happy and shiny and positive.

It’s easy to ignore anything bad or yucky, and focus only on the happy things in life.

It’s easy to focus only on the nice things, the positive things.

It’s easy to be a sun.

I know, I’ve been there.

But, it’s not so easy to choose to be there for people in their dark times.

To have empathy to feel what someone is enduring, when they are in so much pain.

That takes far more effort, far more willingness, to go to those dark places, to see people’s pain, to see suffering.

I praise God for all those who are willing to be the moon, to give a little light, in someone’s dark times.

Reaching out for help, when needed.

I’m very open about my journey. Good, bad ,or ugly. When it’s going badly and I’m feeling very low, I am upfront about this. Being honest is important to me. And I know how much honesty and being authentic matters, to complex trauma survivors. It matters, a lot.

I was suicidal yesterday. I am not coping with feeling overwhelmed by my own journey, my husbands issues that continually affect me, and feeling like I am failing as a mother, all at the same time. It’s too much. Too painful. It overwhelmed me and I could no longer cope.

Going to the hospital the first time, a few years back, was not a positive experience. And there was no follow up at all, despite being told there would be.

So yesterday, when I knew I had to do something to keep myself safe, I wasn’t keen to go to the hospital. But I had no other option.

 

Yesterday, however, it turned out to be a positive experience. I did have to wait several hours, which is normal in the public health system. I saw 4 different people. One was not great, but the other three, were lovely.

The three nice ones, were very encouraging of me going to the hospital and how that was the best thing to do. And the psychiatrist I saw, was lovely. Very encouraging, very kind and showed compassion and used the right choice of words – that I wish every mental health professional would know to use. And he is arranging further services I can access, plus continue seeing my counsellor. (They did phone later that evening, as follow up).

I decided to post on Twitter today, what happened yesterday and how I went to the hospital. I wanted other survivors to know, that was the best choice to make, when suicidal. I wanted others to see it was a positive experience. I want people to see I needed to do that and to reach out for help.

The amount of support, kindness, understanding and compassion I have received throughout today on Twitter, has been amazing. I did not at all expect the amount of support I have received. I am truly so thankful.

It has been a real blessing. Support at the hospital and support via social media.

It makes a difference, especially to those of us, who don’t have family, and don’t have friends we can talk to about this painful stuff.

I don’t know if it is a gift or a curse, to have discernment. And a conscience.

I learned discernment young. I needed to – to survive so much ongoing daily abuse, from highly abusive people, who were all around me.

Hypervigilance, can be very accurate discernment.

It’s interesting how many people failed to work out a sociopath, who has now been proven to have been faking PTSD, terminal cancer, eating disorders, being in combat, being in the SAS…. and who is a highly abusive man.

I worked him out fast. Yet 1000’s of people didn’t. Even his own admins, after I told them, didn’t see it, until he started abusing them. They ignored my warning and joined in with his cyber abuse. His own NFP PTSD org workers, didn’t see it. His own partners didn’t see it, until the relationship ended.

Yet, I picked up on it very quickly. Within weeks of seeing his PTSD Facebook page, I knew he was a fraud.

It’s this way with other people too. I detect narcissists, sociopaths etc, quickly. Because I grew up with them. I know their traits and how to be vigilant about the red flags.

I also hate seeing people conned and lied to by them. My conscience does not let me just ignore the abuse others are and will be enduring. I am aware people ignored the abuse I have endured, and failed to help me. I have always vowed never to be like them. But, instead be a person of compassion, have empathy for current and future victims. Speak up with courage and help people. Not ignore them. Like I was ignored by all the people who failed me.

So, I speak up. As I have done for over 2 years with he PTSD/cancer etc fraud.

As I did with the narcissist pastor and wife.

I feel guilty if I don’t warn people. I worry about the lies and fraud they are being subjected to. It plays on my mind.

Recently, coming to detect 2 narcissists, I have not spoken up to all those being affected. Because I know it will be ignored. I don’t know the people well enough to speak up. But, I still worry in the back on mind, about the lies people are swallowing. How they are being used for the narcissists own needs.

But, I do realise not every situation where a narcissist, is manipulating people and lying to them, is my responsibility to deal with. Some people have to figure it out by themselves. Sadly.