Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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When I’m Struggling – People’s Views About Abusers Are A Huge Trigger & Can Be Too Painful ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

boundaries-do-not-cross

 

Something I have realised over the last 5 years of counselling and processing all the severe trauma I have endured…….. is other people’s views and opinions about abusers can be too hard, too painful and too emotional for me to deal with, particularly when I am struggling.

People are not ‘bad’ people for having their own needed views – and I get people need to believe whatever gets them through. And everyone can choose their beliefs and that’s okay. And I believe that people’s different views are okay for each individual person.

But, some beliefs are far too triggering. They often cause more damage and I’ve realised I need strong boundaries.

When we are struggling, it’s necessary to have boundaries and I know I need to stay away from anything that will push me over the edge.

I’ve learned to have my own boundaries and stay away from reading anything on the internet and social media – that will likely provoke an emotional overwhelm and triggers of the past.

I believe in emotional boundaries – our own to take responsibility for what we expose ourselves to….. and to keep away from other people’s views that hurt.

I’ve learned I can manage my triggers when I am really struggling. Not perfectly – but I am much better at this now. Continue reading

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So Thankful For My Son’s Teacher Telling Me About Her Ex Being A Narcissist

thankful today

I had to talk to my youngest son’s teacher this morning, about my son leaving school early today, for an appointment with a child psychologist. I decided to explain why and that his father is narcissistic. I didn’t know how that would be received, but I needed his teacher to understand how my son is being affected.

I am SO glad I did, because she totally understood and explained her ex – the father of her daughter – is also a narcissist and she has been through hell due to him over the last 6 years. She even had to have 6 months off work, due to him making her so ill emotionally, mentally and physically. She totally understood why I am currently physically unwell and the emotional and psychological toll and impact on all the family.

She said yesterday – Fathers Day – was awful for her and her daughter was upset and it was not a good time. I explained yesterday was not good for us either.

She totally understood everything I have been going through and the effect on my children. She said she has noticed my son zoning out a bit and she also said that he is such an intelligent boy, that he would no doubt be a straight A grade student, if it weren’t for these issues at home. And I appreciated her honesty and being so understanding of how his father is affecting him. Continue reading


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I Hate Fathers Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have always dreaded Father’s Day and now this year, that has worsened. Today, I tried so hard today to make it okay for my 8 year old, but half the day has been horrendous.

The reality of how much abuse I have endured, throughout my entire life, is beyond painful to deal with. The reality of being groomed, conned and trapped into having children with what I now know is a narcissistic psychopathic man, is painful beyond description.

I feel terribly sad for my children. They deserve so much better than the father they have. And I feel sad for me for all I endured in my childhood. My birth father abandoned me, my step father abused me in heinous ways. And I’ve never has a father figure, or even a decent man in my life.

I am angry to the point of hatred – at being lied to and having children with someone so heinously manipulative and selfish. Who is a really poor father, who does bare minimum and doesn’t have willingness to change that.

I feel sad for his daughter he willingly abandoned and couldn’t less about. I know Father’s day is hard for her too, because her father is a disgusting man.

My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.

I considered sending my counsellor a message, because I am so severely depressed. But she is probably enjoying a great day with her husband who is a good father to their children. And it would be selfish of me to be so negative and intrude into that. Continue reading


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I Just Need Empathy At Times When I’m Really Low ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I went to counselling yesterday. I nearly didn’t go.

One thing I realised – that even when I’m at my worst – I can now fight for what I need – empathy.

It was a difficult session. I cried a lot. I tried my best to explain how painful it all feels. I explained to my counsellor I just needed empathy. Not her telling me what I should be doing, or pushing me to be stronger than I am capable of being.

I even told her of a quote I read…

“Empathy is not always insisting everything will be okay.

Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s not”

~ unknown

Another thing I noticed, is that even though I was very emotional…. I did manage to remain calm, not get to the point where I needed to just leave.

I’ve realised my counsellor is a ‘fixer’. She wants so much for people to be doing better and getting to a better place, she pushes me too hard sometimes. She doesn’t realise I truly am doing everything I can already. And I know this does not come from a bad place. She is showing compassion and doing what she thinks she needs to do – as a therapist.

But, sometimes I just need to cry, grieve, be heard and her to just acknowledge that. And know that when I am ready – I will do better. As I always do.

I stood up for my needs and she got there. She realised what I was asking for. She even acknowledged that she may push me too hard and I can say when she is doing this.

So, I am chalking this up to progress – for her and for me. Continue reading


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Self Harm & Daydreaming About Death – Are How I Now Cope To Barely Stay Alive

justwanttodie

 

I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.

I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.

But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.

I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.

I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.

I just want peace.

I just want this hell to end.

I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then Continue reading


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When You Are Too Depressed To Attend ‘You Should Be Positive’ Therapy

I’ve quit counselling for the next month. I need a break from hearing what I should be doing and thinking.

I’m struggling to get through each day……. with good reason. But, apparently that’s not good enough.

My whole life is never ‘good enough’.

I can’t fake feeling better than I do, or sit there and tell her what she wants to hear. Which I’ve done in the past. But, I’m far too depressed to care anymore.

So, it’s best I just avoid therapy.

i'll be okay