Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Nuggets Of Healing Posts From June 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

The moment I realised it was never my job or responsibility to stop an abuser being abusive – was a significant step in healing.
It was never my job to be a peacekeeper with a toxic abuser.
It was never my job to try to get an abuser to develop a conscience.
It was never my job to help an abuser learn empathy and kindness.
It was never my job to teach a grown adult decent behaviour.
It was never my job to accept non genuine apologies, or ignore the lack of remorse.
It was never my job to parent in a way that made up for the toxic parents’ abuse and poor role modelling.
It was never my job to walk on egg shells continually to reduce the abuser’s anger and moods.
It was never my job to make excuses for an abuser.
My job as a woman is to refuse to tolerate abuse, disrespect and callous behaviour by anyone, including abusive men.
My job as a human being is to know and only tolerate being loved, respected and treated with dignity and kindness.
My job as a mother is to teach my sons that abusing women and children is never okay, should never be justified and what love in a healthy relationship looks and feels like, and to tolerate nothing less.
I am not, was not, and will not ever be responsible for an abuser.
Period.


With toxic abusers, like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths – the survivor may feel like it’s unfair that they often don’t get any consequences for their choices to abuse people.

I don’t care whether they get consequences or not, because I know the toxic abuser will never be happy, never be fulfilled, never know what love is and never have healthy and genuine relationships.

The toxic abuser will always be shallow, empty, callous and alone….. no matter their situation.

Their punishment and consequences are who they are and who they choose to be.

Whereas, the survivor can go on to have everything the toxic abuser will never have. Real relationships, love, genuine connection, fulfilment, happiness and joy.

And knowing all this, is enough for me.

I don’t need to wish bad consequences for the toxic abuser – they’re already creating that for themselves.


Thinking about toxic people who choose to cause terrible suffering on a ongoing basis… as heinous, vile, disgusting, evil etc….
Are very normal and healthy reactions and thought processes.
Is not a mental illness issue like ‘splitting’ or black and white distorted thinking.
It’s not a pathological response.
It’s not a lack of compassion for the abuser.
It’s completely normal to be disgusted.
You do not have to see ‘the good’ in an abuser.
You do not have to make excuses for an abuser.
It’s very healthy to consider ongoing abuse and the suffering it causes, as heinous.
It’s intelligence to know there are no valid excuses for causing ongoing abuse to another person.
Don’t let anyone shame you for your very normal and healthy response to ongoing abuse.


Feel free to call an abuser anything you want and don’t allow anyone to police your thoughts and feelings about abuse, or about the abuser.
And have very strong boundaries with anyone who believes otherwise.


Love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.
You do not love someone, if you are choosing to harm them.
Love doesn’t hurt.
When you love someone – you want the best for them, you want them to be happy and you care about their needs.
And this includes all forms of abuse: emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, spiritual and physical.
This also includes: continual lying, manipulating, selfish behaviours, cheating, deceiving, gaslighting and having no remorse for harm caused.
Love – doesn’t do any of these.
Period.
I repeat – love and ongoing abuse – do not co-exist.


I made the mistake of thinking I could help a heinous abuser change.
I hoped counselling for him with a psychologist who specialized in sex offenders and personality disorders, would be enough to get him to develop a conscience, develop empathy, stop being abusive…. but I was very wrong.
He didn’t want to change because he enjoys being an empty, shallow, exploitative and callous abuser.
You can’t help toxic abusers and I would NEVER suggest to anyone to try. It can make your life more unsafe and put you in danger, as it did with me.
No-one should tolerate abuse, tolerate disrespect, tolerate being treated like an object.
I deserve caring, honest, warm, kind people in my life, and I will never again settle for anything less.
And my children deserve not to be subjected to an abuser, they deserve the peace and safety we now have and a mum who is happy and thriving.


My 10 year old and I have started doing mindfulness and relaxation meditations.

We sit on the soft rug on the floor in a quiet room and follow guided meditations from the free app Smiling Mind. It’s a great free app which he told me about – as his class had been doing some in school.

I love knowing they are teaching mindfulness and relaxation meditations in school. Such a great skill to learn when young

My son loves doing them each evening with me πŸ’•


😁😁😁
I’ve had braces on for the last 2 and half years and today the top ones were removed.
I love my new smile already! 😁
It feels like a victory in my healing and self care journey – in doing something that should have been done in my childhood, but wasn’t.
I decided in my 40’s it needed doing and I am really pleased with the results.
My dentist has been so supportive in my domestic violence healing journey – as she and her family suffered dv from her (police officer) father and she has a charity she runs for dv survivors.
When I get the bottom braces removed, she’s doing whitening as a gift for me!
So thankful and feel so blessed!
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Suppressing trauma, dissociating from it, ignoring it, distracting attention away from it, minimizing it, avoiding emotions etc ….. none of these help healing.

In fact, long term they worsen the consequences of the trauma.

Unprocessed, unhealed trauma never goes away. It festers and is unconsciously expressed as physical illness, mental illness, relationship issues, emotional issues etc.

Suppressing, dissociating and avoiding may work short term as a coping strategy, but never long term.

Healing requires: processing the trauma, knowing the full consequences of it, figuring out all the ways it has affected the survivor, finding out how to manage the mental and physical illness consequences, honestly admitting what the survivor needs to change in terms of thinking, beliefs and behaviours.

Healing also requires grieving and that’s a painful process, that means we have to deal with uncomfortable truths and emotions.

Healing is not an easy, fun or nice process. It’s hard, painful and requires alot of self honesty.

This is why so many don’t heal. It’s too hard. Some don’t have the emotional resources for it all. Some don’t even know what is required to begin to heal.

But, I do believe every survivor can heal to their own capacity, with an understanding of what is needed.

I see too much emotional bypassing, emotion avoidance, dissociating and trauma processing avoidance being encouraged and that makes me sad – because it’s harming people more long term.

I want people to heal to their own capacity and that’s my motivation for my online work.

And that starts with saying what is required to heal and what does not help.


I’ve stopped feeling sad and grieving about all the love, effort and kindness I wasted in a relationship with a toxic abuser…..

And I’ve started feeling excited and hopeful about how it will feel to be in a great relationship with a good, emotionally healthy man, and offer all that love, effort and kindness and…. receive it all back!

And have the relationship I always deserved.


It’s Not All About Me ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

An example…
There are survivors in their 60’s and older – who are still dealing with the effects of complex trauma.
And that’s okay.
There is no timeframe for healing from complex trauma.
I keep this in mind all the time, because the last thing any survivor needs to read – is that everyone should be able to heal fully and in X amount of time. And feel shame for not being ‘healed already’.
Why do I think about this?
Because I’m not ‘all about me’.
I care about other people, their journeys, needs and emotions.
Healing and managing symptoms can be a lifelong journey and there is no shame in that.
And people who do shame other survivors are very selfish and lack empathy – causing harm in the process.
Empathy is vital.
Empathy is about thinking of other people’s journeys and how our words and views impact others.
Empathy is about knowing other people can have life issues that greatly impact the capacity to heal, for no fault of their own.
Empathy is thinking about how my posts impact others and are they written to help, care and support others?
Being an advocate for complex trauma survivors takes empathy to truly be of assistance to others.
Empathy is about others, about the needs of others, caring about the impact of what we do – whilst also maintaining boundaries and caring for self.
There is no advocacy, without empathy.


🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

One red flag in a narcissistic abuser, is how they view what you do for them and how they view what they should do for you.

This will one of many red flags you can discern.

About 2 years ago, I said to the ex – that for 18 years – he expected to be told how great he is (when he’s not) and wanted continual appreciation for the bare minimum efforts he made in doing things for the family.

Yet, he showed zero appreciation for all the many huge efforts I made, which were in fact far beyond the average, including what I did for him.

When I said to him “you have never shown any appreciation for anything I do for you, never thanked me, not even one time” – his reaction was disgust. His face screwed up in disgust. He had no verbal response, including no awareness how wrong his attitude is. And that reaction was a huge red flag.

He was disgusted at the thought of having to be appreciative, or thank me for my huge efforts, for him, for our children, for our family.

That disgust is the toxic narcissistic ego that believes people are there as objects to be used and abused.

That disgust is their overwhelming sense of entitlement to have victims doing whatever the narc demands, whilst giving nothing of worth back.

It’s proof that they don’t see people as human beings with needs, feelings, emotions. It’s just all about the narc.

It’s proof they don’t see relationships as a two way street. It’s all one way – as per their exploitative and parasitic needs.

These subtle signs and red flags are not always obvious, but when you begin to dissect the relationship and reflect on all the attitudes, motivations and behaviours, you see clearly what the narcissistic abuser truly is.

They are toxic, selfish, entitled, cruel, exploitative parasites and emotional vampires, who suck the life out of you and have no remorse for the harm they cause.

And no-one deserves to be treated that way.

And yes, it’s very normal to be angry and hurt and feel disgusted and repulsed about that abuser. Because their actions and abuse were a choice. And it’s never okay to treat someone so inhumanely.


I educate about abuse and abusers, because interpersonal trauma – abuse – is the main cause of Complex PTSD.

Abuse causes many long term issues that include the victim feeling shame, feeling defective, being vulnerable to more abuse (particularly if a child abuse survivor), re-victimisation, self blame and more.

Part of the healing process is to understand why the abuse occurred – as in truly knowing the abuse was all a reflection of the abuser’s character disturbance and not a reflection of the victim’s worth or value.

The abuse is all about the abuser’s issues and many abusers project blame and shame onto the victim.

The victim/survivor needs to heal from this by learning they were never to blame for the abuse they suffered.

The survivor also needs to learn all the red flags, in order to not be vulnerable to another toxic abuser.

This helps reduce re-victimisation and helps the survivor to engage only in healthy appropriate relationships.

I don’t educate about abusers as an act of hate towards them, I educate about abusers as an act of love for survivors.


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Nuggets Of Healing Posts, In April 2019 ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Healing

 

I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading


Why Learning All I Have About Abuse & Abusers ~ Is An Awesome Achievement ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I get positive and negative reactions about my insight, knowledge and self education about abuse, abusers, toxic people etc. I’m used it now and I recognise most reactions are about people’s own needs and how they have to cope with their own lives. It’s rarely about me.

I’m a childhood complex trauma survivor, who has been abused since birth. I am a text book case of the highly abused and neglected child, who went on to be abused in adulthood.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being – being abused by toxic people is my normal and toxic people used this to their own sick advantage.

I’m a textbook case of the scapegoat child who learned to placate other people’s needs, but still always knew their toxic behaviour was not okay. I just knew nothing else and believed I deserved nothing better. 

There was nothing malicious from within me – that encouraged this abuse. I was vulnerable, with no good support and I had been groomed since birth to tolerate abuse, to self blame, and tip toe on egg shells around highly manipulative, abusive character disturbed people.

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown – due to my marriage to a narcissistic sociopath. The insidious manner in which that abuse was inflicted, was so slowly and so carefully done, I had no idea it was abuse. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse was significant trauma. I was also abused by a church minister and church that I reached out to for support during this breakdown, which clearly did not help and worsened the pain.

Due to this breakdown, all past trauma I had suppressed, came to the surface. That nearly killed me, it was so terribly painful. I then went through more torture of working out my husband had abused me, including sexual coercion.

Throughout this process, I have learned a great deal of psychology about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I’ve learned a great deal about every type of abuse – emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, spiritual. I’ve read countless books, articles and blogs. I’ve learned there are no justifiable excuses for one single moment of the abuse I have endured.

I’ve processed it all and that combined with my considerable life experience of abuse – is a profound amount of education, insight and knowledge.

I recognise this fully now and I will not allow anyone to suggest I should not have my normal and needed emotions, opinions and insight.

But, this has all hurt more than I could ever explain. I don’t have adequate words to express the pain and torture I have endured processing everything.

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But, it has taken considerable courage, strength and resilience.

I’ve had amazing support from within the community I manage on social media. And for that – I will always be truly thankful.

However, I’ve also encountered intolerance of my insight and negative responses to my opinions about abusers, including considerable online harassment, trolling and abuse.

I’ve also encountered negative responses from those in my life, where I have been criticised, mocked and shamed for all the education I have given myself and my views about abuse.

Yet, where would I be if I had not been so willing to learn and have so much resilience and resourcefulness to educate myself and combine that with my life experiences and insight capacity???? 

I would still be in my marriage, still be being abused every day, lied to, cheated on, blamed and shamed, being raped on a regular basis, and possibly in marriage guidance counselling – being blamed for part of my marriage issues.

But, I’m not. Only MY education about abuse and abusers – led to me being able to discern narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, sexual coercion, – which is what led to me getting out of my marriage.

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Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopaths And Infidelity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Of all the many kinds of abuse that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths (I will refer to them as toxic people) choose to inflict on their victims – infidelity is one.

My toxic ex (we are separated) cheated throughout his first marriage and I’ve just been told – cheated throughout ours.

Someone has let me know my ex cheated back before we moved to Australia. I’m not at all surprised. Anyone who can sexually abuse a survivor of severe sexual abuse – is capable of anything.

Infidelity is just one of the many things toxic people do – with no remorse, no conscience, no guilt, no shame, no empathy. And of course – if you confront them – they will act outraged that you would suggest such a thing about them.

My ex has no understanding of love, honesty, decency, care, integrity or anything that is found in decent human beings.

Here are some links:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/why-do-narcissists-and-sociopaths-cheat.374/

https://www.health.com/mind-body/sociopath-traits

https://www.bustle.com/p/13-common-mind-games-sociopaths-play-in-everyday-life-to-watch-out-for-2975623

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/manipulative-lies-sociopath-personality-rebecca-monet

It’s interesting to recently hear friend’s opinions of my toxic ex. How difficult them found him. How he’s ignorant and shallow. Very boring and weird. And he’ll never change. He will wallow in his darkness and feeling like a victim all his life.Β 

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I am moving forward with my life. I’m raising my boys to be the opposite of their father. Continue reading


A Near Serious Car Crash Is Terrible – Especially With PTSD & Vasovagal Nerve Damage ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

adult alone black and white blur

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

 

My life is continually stressful now. Separated from a narcissistic sociopath sexual abuser husband. Facing divorce and all issues relating to that. Raising 2 children alone, one being a teenager. Trying to build a business when chronically ill. No family.Β  Vasovagal nerve damage caused by extreme distress, due to domestic violence for 18 years. PTSD. Major Depressive Disorder. Panic Disorder. Agoraphobia.

Every day is hard. Every day is a challenge to get to the end of it and be remotely okay.Β  Additional issues push me to the edge of any capacity to cope. And that’s not something I should be ashamed of. Many would not be able to cope as well as I do – going through less than I have. And I have no judgement of how anyone else is coping after complex trauma. I’m just trying to focus on how strong I am.

Today was a shit day. Several issues that made me feel stressed out. And then a near very serious car crash. Myself and my boys are lucky we are not in hospital. Or dead. A driver didn’t stop and give way – leading to him nearly crashing straight into my car at fairly high speed. I swerved to avoid him, and that put me in the path of a bollard and lamp post. I don’t know how – but I managed to steer the car through the really tight gap in between the other car and this lamp post. There was literally a few inches either side. My 16 year old commented how ‘f***ing awesome’ my driving was – to get through this gap and not crash – in such a fast and intense situation. He was really impressed.

Both my sons were pretty shaken up. I had a pull over about 30 seconds after the near crash. I just started crying and physically shaking. As the near crash was happening, I went into that dissociated state where I become very calm and I picture the crash that may about to occur, and then afterwards – everything is remembered in slow motion. Then 30 seconds later, reality hit, and I fell apart. I kept apologising to my sons for crying and my teenager said he totally understood why I was crying and if it weren’t for my incredible calmness and driving skill – we would have crashed so easily.

I was shaking for hours afterwards. This happened 5 hours ago Continue reading


Sexual Coercion – Is Sexual Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sexual coercion

 

Over the last 6 months – I have come to understand all the abuse I have endured within my marriage. It’s been incredibly painful.

One of the abuse types I endured for over a decade – is sexual coercion. Being a survivor of considerable sexual abuse – starting in childhood – it has been extremely distressing to have to process all the sexual abuse – throughout 18 years of my marriage.

This article was the one I read that made me have to face all this. This sentence was a huge moment of realisation.

“Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.”

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/the-startling-truth-about-sexual-coercion-babb/

Sexual coercion is where a perpetrator of abuse coerces a victim into unwanted sex. Coercion occurs via many methods: guilt tripping, emotional abuse, use of alcohol or drugs, to name a few.

I was coerced via emotional abuse – where my life was made more difficult if I did not give in to sex. I was plied with alcohol. There were constant demands made for sex. There was guilt tripping – as though he were the victim by me not wanting sex. If his attempts to pressure me into sex were not successful – he would have tantrums and there was anger if I refused.

It was very obvious to him that I did not want sex. But, he didn’t care. His needs were all that mattered. It often hurt and he didn’t care about that either. I had to dissociate to cope through it. Just as I did during the sexual abuse earlier in my life. 

During the first few years of our marriage – I realised this man was not the man he pretended to be. Now, I do know he a narcissistic sociopathic toxicly selfish man and a pervert. He enjoyed himself whilst I was being abused into unwanted sex. And not once did he care about how I felt. Throughout the marriage he consistently failed to have good character traits. Just toxic character disturbance. No empathy. No conscience. No remorse. Toxic entitlement. Perversion. Pathological lying. He is a sick man.

The worst part – is he knows I am a sexual abuse survivor. And he used that to his advantage. I was more easily manipulated. I had no idea sexual coercion was abuse. I’ve been manipulated into sexual abuse since being a child.

He used me as his personal sexual perversion ‘thing’. He never treated me like a human being with my own needs, emotions etc.

There is an added level of evil when someone chooses to sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor.

Now I know that as per the above article sexual consent is an enthusiastic yes.

An ENTHUSIASTIC yes.

I think it can’t be more plain than that.

We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes,

or a reluctant yes.

We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!

Many people will think this kind of abuse is ‘normal’. But, just because it is common – does not make it okay. After all it’s only a few decades ago they made it illegal to rape your wife. Prior to that law changing – men could legally rape their wives. But just because it was legal – did not make it okay, at all. 

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You Know What They Say About Opinions…..

There is a saying….

“Opinions are like arseholes…….. everyone has one……….. and most are full of shit.”

I’m not sure who wrote this – but it so very true.

I’ve dealt with people and their opinions of me…. all my life.

Most opinions have been based on toxic thinking, cognitive distortions, self serving assumptions and their own needs. And are actually nothing to do with me.

I’m aware people’s ‘opinions’ continue. Even people in my life I’m supposed to be able to trust – have wrong opinions of me.

But, I know who I am. I know my capacity for truth and my insight – make me someone some people don’t feel comfortable around. I sense things in people. I often know people better than they know themselves.

So what’s the best way to discredit my thinking…………. assume wrong things about me. Decide ‘my’ thinking is wrong,

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