Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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When it all seems hopeless – my children are always the light in my life ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My children are currently on their 6 week summer holidays. This is their last week. I have made sure they are having a great holidays, even on days when I don’t even want to get out of bed.

So much has happened lately, and it is completely overwhelming.

Yet, every day my boys give me the strength to keep going. They deserve for me to keep going and doing the best I can, for them.

When all else fails, and I have nothing else….. I have my beautiful boys.

When I see them laughing, playing, giggling and having fun, and I feel the joy they have within them, I am always reminded I am blessed.

I photograph them a lot now, and I like to catch candid moments of them playing and laughing. When I feel down, I go and edit photos and see the joy in their faces, and it gives me that light I need. Continue reading


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Am I grieving? Depressed? Or both?

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I am aware there are different forms of grieving I am experiencing, along with different forms of depression.

I don’t think I know the difference between them anymore.

I’m just trying to focus on one day at a time.

And focus on my children.

 

 

 

 


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The Inner Child -v- Grown Woman Conflict… Rages On ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have a situation going on – where the inner child in me, is devastated.

Heartbroken.

Desperately wanting to reach out to someone I cared about, and knowing I can’t.

Someone I thought cared about me. But, now I know – didn’t.

I have abandonment depression (as so insightfully described by Pete Walker) and I am aware how painful it is, and the valid reasons for it.

Every time I check my emails – I know there is a part of me – desperately wants to see an email from this person. Desperate for something…. anything. Any scrap of attention – even if it’s to be angry with me. And so sad every time I see there is nothing.

My inner child in me wants to reach out to this person ……… and the 45 year old woman in me – knows I can’t and knows I have to grieve – and that person is gone.

I wrote a poem a few years ago – that fits exactly how my inner child feels.

Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core

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To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me

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‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart Continue reading


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PTSD is not ruminating ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I see people who have endured trauma and abuse, talking about ruminating, and I want to clear up the belief that #PTSD is ruminating.
It isn’t. At all.
When people imply people with PTSD are ruminating – they are implying the thoughts , intrusive memories, and emotions – are a choice.
PTSD is not a choice.

Continue reading


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That moment when you desperately want to talk to your former counsellor, but can’t ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My former counsellor was there through all the abuse I endured from the Baptist cult. She even confirmed in writing that I was spiritually abused – for the formal investigation. Not that it made any difference, the investigation was totally corrupt. As a lot of ‘church’ in-house investigations are.

I just went through a hugely triggering situation. Someone posted the business page of the best friend of the pastor who abused me….. onto my personal Facebook account. Which sent my PTSD mind into a complete panic. It’s when things like this happen you know you still very much have PTSD.

The triggers, the anxiety, the panic, the fear, the thoughts, the emotions, the invasive memories.

PTSD sucks. It really does.

In this state of panic and fear, I immediately wanted to talk to my counsellor. She was my ‘support’ over the last 5 years. She would probably minimize the situation and not really care how distressing this was for me, but she was all I had to talk to when all the church abuse and investigation were going on. And all I had over the years since then.

It’s really sad, when I reflect about all her minimizing about that cult abuse. She never validated how horrible that all was.

It interesting reflecting on how little empathy she had, how she minimized a lot of things – unless I pushed her to confront how bad something is.

I can’t make up my mind whether she is just so desensitised about abuse and heinous abusers………. or truly lacks empathy……… plus only has completely self serving views to do her job………. or whether it is a combination of all of them. Continue reading


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That moment when someone recommends a hairdresser and it’s a child abuser from the abusive church/cult!

Well that was a moment of panic that set in. The abusive Baptist cult – I was abused at, has some cult members that are ‘best friends’ with the narcissist pastor, who abused me.

The wife is a hairdresser and unfortunately, her children go to the same school as my youngest child. She is blocked from my personal Facebook account, and that way I avoid having to see anything posted by her on the school FB page.

I asked for a recommendation for a hairdresser, and someone I am facebook friends with, sent a link to this abusive hairdresser woman.

Yikes – the last person I want to see is that woman or anyone from that cult, on my personal facebook account.

This woman is the one who I received a message from about the abuse witnessed and considered disgusting. The person who emailed me, has been to that Baptist cult, and was shocked by the child abuse that was encouraged there. She told me about this hairdresser starving her toddler, because the toddler would not eat dinner. She also said a lot of other abusive behaviour was witnessed – women being treated badly etc.

I validated this persons account of all the child abuse, spiritual abuse and domestic violence – that goes on there. Including all the physical abuse – taking belts to children, beating them etc.

A few emails went back and fore. I was glad she wrote to me, to confirm if it was this Baptist cult where I had been abused. It helped to know other people realised how abusive they all are and how disgusting their behaviour is.

So, when I received this recommendation of this hairdresser – I panicked.

But, I stopped, deleted the posts that were on my Facebook account. Blocked the hairdressers FB business account page.   Continue reading