Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


17 Comments

Complex PTSD Triggers About Suicide, Are Horrendous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.

It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.

PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.

Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.

Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.

I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.

crying

I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.

I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.

I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it. Continue reading


2 Comments

A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.

This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

helping someone with depression

Continue reading


2 Comments

I am not an ‘expert’ and I cannot give individual advice ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I received an email today, stating that my name features high on internet searches for ‘Complex PTSD expert’. I often receive requests for ‘expert advice’ and this concerns me.

I need to make this really clear…. I am not an expert, I am not a mental health professional, I am not a trauma therapist and I am not trained to give individual advice.

DSC_2707-034

 

I am insightful into complex trauma and complex PTSD. I have extensively researched about these and this research has been with all the trauma experts in the field.

I do have considerable insight into my complex trauma journey and there are many issues and symptoms I face, that many other survivors relate to and my  insight resonates with many.

But, this does not make me an expert, or someone who knows everything about complex trauma. And I never suggest I do know all there is to know.

I make it very clear that journeys cannot be compared, as they are all so different. I have endured many forms of abuse and trauma to a severe level, however, there are areas of trauma I have not personally experienced.

Frankly, anyone calling themselves a complex trauma expert, that is not highly educated and trained within this specialised area of trauma, needs to be avoided.

There are far too many people out there, wrongly and dangerously believing they can offer advice and in fact, there are even many mental health professionals, who are not sufficiently trained and educated in complex trauma.

I do understand many people relate to what I write and share, and with this blog being at over 1.4 million views, I do see the insight I bring to the conversation about Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD – are valuable.

But, I do not want anyone to assume that makes me an expert. The only expertise I have, is in my own journey. Continue reading


2 Comments

Validation of my intelligence is good …. but it doesn’t reduce the pain, or the aloneness.

The last couple of counselling sessions, have resulted in a lot of validation. It was stated I am far more able to clearly see my trauma history and understand toxic/unhealthy people and their motivations and issues, than at any point in my life. I am far more able to speak up about all I know, understand and express the depth of that understanding.

This has all been validated. Along with being told that I am a very intelligent woman, with a capacity to think things deeply and rationally. To a much deeper level than average. And what people cannot understand – they will reject. So rejection features a lot in my life. It’s always the default for people who don’t understand something, to reject it. Few people ‘get me’. That’s the reality I am enduring.

Also validated, was my understanding of victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting in all it’s many forms. Plus, why it happens, the motivations for it, and why it is so wrong. I understand people’s motivations are very often not at all what they delude themselves they are. Rarely do egocentric, selfish, narcissistic, unhealthy, irrational, character disturbed, or delusional people – ever admit their true motivations and issues. They reside within lives of delusions, fantasies, lies and irrational thinking. I understand that very clearly. And how much this occurs throughout humanity.

And I can now verbally express all this, far more easily and with considerable clarity. Which is about my healing/growth.

This includes the depth of my understanding of all the harmful people who have abused me throughout my life.  Including my husband. Who it was confirmed, is highly narcissistic, with sociopathic traits. And it was validated he comes from a highly dysfunctional, narcissistic family. It was helpful to have this validation. And that I was duped, manipulated and exploited. I was not in fact looking for an unhealthy or co-dependent relationship. I fell in love with a man who did not exist. I fell in love with a fantasy my husband (and his parents) believe about himself. Who lied from day one. And he continued on with his selfish, manipulative, deceitful and toxic ways, for 16 years. Stealing from me the right I had to find someone genuinely good/ healthy/ decent/ trustworthy, who would be a good husband and good father. Plus, the validation of how I know this man never loved me, never cared about me, and is in fact incapable of love, due to the depths of his fantasy/delusion about himself. And I’m glad my counsellor has done counselling with him, as that is further validation, based on her own therapy with him.

But, all this validation, does not take away my reality, that I am different to most people. Feeling different, is something I have always felt, and continue to feel. And it makes me feel so terribly alone. And that was validated as a very real situation I am in. It is not a ‘complex trauma irrational issue’. It is a very real issue, with very valid reasons why, which are not about anything wrong with me. But in fact, are due to deeper intelligence skills.

always an unusual

The validation of all this, is good. It helps in knowing I am correct in my thinking. But, it doesn’t take the aloneness away. Just because I understand why I am so different to most people, doesn’t make me feel less alone. Or make it less painful. In fact, it makes it worse. Continue reading


6 Comments

Grieving Having Missed Out On Love ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

In my 45 years on this earth, I have never been in a relationship with anyone who actually loves me.

This song (which I love) – made me reflect on how I have missed out on love, with someone who genuinely cares about me, isn’t using/abusing me, who has my back and is safe.

I don’t know what receiving love feels like.

I don’t know what a safe relationship feels like.

Which is very sad and makes me feel a deep sense of grieving. Continue reading


1 Comment

I fell in love with a man who did not exist; the reality for many survivors of narcissistic partners ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

dsc_0242

I was not aware in any way, that the man I was falling in love with, had a delusional persona that he used to manipulate and exploit me.

I did not know his persona was a lie.

I did not have the opportunity to know the truth about him and therefore had the choice to know who he really was, and to walk away, stolen from me.

This is the reality of many narcissistic partner survivors.

Please know – if this happened to you – you should not feel any shame for having believed the lies, the persona, the fake image presented to you.

Narcissists often fool mental health professionals – so anyone can be fooled by them.

The only shame that should be felt – is by the narcissist  – for their chosen manipulative, exploitative, devious and deceptive behaviours. Continue reading