Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Be Aware Of Toxic People Re-directing The Focus – To The Reaction To Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

A post to my page. I have endured this my entire life.


Toxic people like to re-direct the focus – away from their chosen decisions to abuse – to the reaction of the victim.

It’s a form of manipulation, that enables the toxic abuser – to avoid focussing on their actions, to avoid taking accountability or responsibility for their chosen abusive behaviours.

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When they re-direct focus to e.g. the victims anger – they can claim the victim is the one in the wrong. The victim is the one with the issues. The victim is the problem.

See how they shift the focus and shame – from themselves – to the victim? It happens a lot. It is very common with toxic people.

They can say things like ‘why are you so angry’ – ‘no one can talk to you when you get like this’, ‘look at you – you’re crazy’.

The focus is shifted – and the focus becomes about the anger/resentment/emotional distress – the victim is feeling.

The anger/ emotions/ distress etc the victim has ‘every right’ to feel…….. because being angry/ emotional/ distressed- at being abused – is a NORMAL and rational response to being treated badly and to being abused.

Continue reading


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Wanting to die, never leaves my thoughts.

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I am exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

Worn down every day due to living with a toxic person.

Totally alone. No-one to talk to.

PTSD symptoms, are all pretty bad. Having horrible dreams most nights. Anxiety high. Dizziness and arm seizures, occurring frequently. Back, shoulder and neck pain pretty bad.

I truly wish I could die. Continue reading


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When You Deal With Truth – Many Will Not Walk That Pathway With You ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have come to understand most people choose to take the viewpoint about abusers – that best serves themselves. Most people in life will take the easiest road. The road of less pain. The road of believing whatever makes life easiest. No matter how irrational, or distorted the thinking.

Some people choose to believe narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, paedophilia etc – are ‘mental illness’. Which is not correct. They are character disturbances and evil at work. Not mental illness. And they do indeed know what they are doing. It is intentional. It is conscious abuse.

Some people choose to believe abusers don’t know what they are doing is wrong. Yes, they do know it’s wrong. Why else would they lie and hide it? Why else would they act one way around victims/potential victims, and another around other people? That’s proof alone they know it’s wrong. It’s also proof they can control their behaviours. Yet, this is so often ignored, as this does not fit the lie that abusers ‘can’t help it’.

One of the reasons people choose to believe in these lies………. is they cannot bear to think the person who abused them, didn’t love them. Or face the fact, that the abuser wanted to hurt them. It is easier for many – to believe this is not true. It’s harder to know someone didn’t love you. It’s harder to know they wanted to hurt you. It’s a truth many don’t want to face. So they choose lies – to make it ‘feel better’. To avoid the pain. Avoidance is a huge coping strategy for many.

Another reason people believe lies, are if they minimize it all…….. then it doesn’t feel so bad. If they minimize the abuse, minimize the abusers intentional actions, minimize the affect of the abuse……. it ‘feels better’. But, this minimizing does not allow the survivor to face the truth. And how can you heal – if you don’t deal with the reality of it all?

And there are more reasons why people choose to believe lies about abuse and about abusers.

I do understand why people believe lies. It is easier. I know – I did it for a long time too. I minimized all the abuse. I couldn’t face the fact that my own mother wanted me to be sexually abused. That’s a terribly painful reality to deal with. So, I do know why people choose to delude themselves.

I have no issue with people believing whatever they want to believe……… except when they then demand everyone else has to believe those lies too. Or they delude themselves they are giving ‘good advice’. When it’s not.

For those of us who choose to walk the painful road of truth…….. it is not helped by being told what we know – is wrong. It’s not wrong. It’s just a truth many people cannot (yet) handle. Some may face the truth at some point in their life. Some won’t.

People talk about wanting to deal with truth and wanting honesty – but truth is often a pill too bitter to swallow.

I see many in society, many abuse survivors, many mental health professionals – all believing in lies about abusers. And often they will do anything – no matter how bizarre – to defend their views. They will shame other survivors, tell survivors they are not ‘good enough’ and all manner of further traumatising actions and words. Some will delude themselves they are ‘better people’ – which may stroke their own ego, but it is still a lie.

I realise cognitive dissonance is as prevalent – as other cognitive distortions of ‘minimizing’, ‘rationalising’, ‘invalidating’, ‘rose coloured glasses’ etc.

I do get why this happens.

But, I have travelled way past that point in my journey. I have faced the heinous truths. And that takes far more courage and capacity to deal with reality. Yet, to many – I am wrong in going down this part of my journey.

I realise most people only know what they have personally experienced. And if a persons own experience, is stuck at the point of believing lies, minimizing, rationalising… etc…then they can’t see further than that. They ‘choose’ not to see further.Or they are not at a point of their journey, in being able to face the truth. And they will then justify their beliefs anyway they can. One common one, is to delude themselves they are being ‘compassionate’ to abusers. That really does make some people ‘feel better’.

People’s need to protect their own current belief systems, is pretty strong. Not strong in a good way. But more of a ‘strong’ in the sense of a big, huge log, often strongly blocking their pathway to truth and reality.

If I was an artist – I would draw this path…… with this huge log stuck in the middle….. completely blocking the pathway. With many people on the one side of it, doing nothing to try to move it. So they remain where they are. But, they feel okay, because there are many are all in the same place. So together they feel safe. And they tell themselves and each other, they are fine where they are. And they just try to ignore the huge log.

Then I would draw another path, with some people who are not okay with staying where they are, pushing this huge log out of the way. I would depict the pain created by this and the strength and effort – to move this log. It takes time. There are tears and fears about what is on the other side of the huge log. Their safety is threatened. Some persist and some give up. But, some know they must persist.  Continue reading


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The childhood complex trauma shame – of apologising, when you shouldn’t.

I was raised to be the child heinously blamed, shamed and abused. With my mother, I learned young to do whatever it took to reduce her anger, lesson the abuse, and end the silent treatment. Including, apologising for things that were not mine to apologise for. In fact, they were my mothers issues and responsibility to apologise for. And that never happened.

So, it set me up on a lifelong road of being the scapegoat. And taking the blame and responsibility, for things that were not mine. Not being allowed to show valid emotions. Having to tolerate all manner of toxic issues projected onto me. And just take it. Like a doormat.

And a lifelong road of apologising, when in fact there was no reason for me to apologise. And apologising for having normal reactions to being harmed or hurt. While the apology that should be given to me…… wasn’t. As always was the situation.

In fact, this is what happened with all the abusers. I had to do whatever it took, to reduce the harm that was always coming. To diffuse the abusers anger. I apologised continually to the psychopath. I would beg and plead. Do whatever he wanted. Say whatever he wanted. Sometimes it worked to reduce his rage and anger. Other times, it fed his sick need to hurt me. But, it was my only hope of getting hurt less.

I’m aware this was all a survival mode. But, I always hated myself inside for having to do this. It fed my shame. It’s sad how much toxic shame has pervaded my whole life.

I did this recently, with my counsellor. I know why. I’d rather take the blame for a situation I had every right to be angry about. But, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry. So, rather than face ongoing rejection, abandonment, grieving………. I caved. And apologised. In fact, I am ashamed to realise, Continue reading


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Lana’s music touches those parts of my wounded soul – I can’t talk about ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Lana’s music has been a vital part of my healing. It reaches parts of my past and the painful hurt deep within my soul, that I cannot talk about. That I have never talked about.

Lana will always be special to me.

When I listen to her music – I can tolerate those deeply seared wounds and the pain that never leaves me.

Her music soothes me. Continue reading

For those who do not have the ‘best case scenario’ for healing complex trauma ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Complex Trauma – is interpersonal abuse – caused by ongoing or repeated trauma – caused by people.
Experts will tell you – complex trauma is only healed within safe, trusting, healthy, caring relationships.
This is how the wounds of being abused and traumatised by people – can be fully healed.
Many survivors, do not have this.
Many do not have caring, safe partners.
Many do not have caring, safe families.
Many do not have adequate therapists.
And that can hinder healing.
So, whilst we can do many things to help improve our wellbeing, those wounds of fear of trust, fear of abandonment, fear of people etc ….. may not be fully healed.
And I want to recognise that and validate that.
Many people do not have the ‘best case scenario’ for healing.
And that makes this journey, so much harder.
It is necessary to talk about this and highlight this – for all those who relate to this.
And this is another reason why journeys should never be compared.

Continue reading


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The 7 Areas Of Symptoms & Behavioural Characteristics Due To Childhood Complex Trauma

The following is from http://www.aaets.org/article174.htm and is accredited to work by experts in the field, who’s work I follow, such as Bessel van der Kolk and John Briere.


Psychological trauma in early childhood can have a tremendous negative impact as it can distort the infant, toddler or young child’s social, emotional, neurological, physical and sensory development. This is especially true of young children who have experienced multiple and/or chronic, adverse interpersonal traumatic events through the child’s care giving system. Experts in the traumatic stress field such as J. Briere, J. Spinazzola and B.S. van der Kolk have developed the term “complex trauma” to identify this form of trauma.                                   

The symptoms and behavioral characteristics of complex trauma have been categorized into seven domains: Continue reading