Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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You Know What They Say About Opinions…..

There is a saying….

“Opinions are like arseholes…….. everyone has one……….. and most are full of shit.”

I’m not sure who wrote this – but it so very true.

I’ve dealt with people and their opinions of me…. all my life.

Most opinions have been based on toxic thinking, cognitive distortions, self serving assumptions and their own needs. And are actually nothing to do with me.

I’m aware people’s ‘opinions’ continue. Even people in my life I’m supposed to be able to trust – have wrong opinions of me.

But, I know who I am. I know my capacity for truth and my insight – make me someone some people don’t feel comfortable around. I sense things in people. I often know people better than they know themselves.

So what’s the best way to discredit my thinking…………. assume wrong things about me. Decide ‘my’ thinking is wrong,

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I’ve Only Ever Had A ‘Role’ – In Other People’s Lives ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.

When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.

It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.

People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.

People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.

I’m past caring now. It is what it is.

I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.

I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me. Continue reading


No Idea What A Healthy Intimate Relationship Feels Like…. And Probably Never Will

Something I have realised, is I have no idea what a healthy relationship with a man looks like, or feels like.

Sad. But, true.

My intimate relationships have all been with abusive men.

I don’t know anything else.

My mother made sure I was truly fucked up by men since being a little child.

My first sexual ‘experience’ (I remember) was a paedophile and hard core porn at around 9 years old.

After that – it was abuse, abuse, abuse.

So sad.

And all the self harm that goes with this – emotionally. sexually, physically is beyond painful.

And I know if I am enduring this – there will be more like me.  Continue reading


First Sale For My New Business! ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

spark of hope 2


I haven’t been blogging – for several reasons. One being that I felt like I had nothing positive to say. But, now I have something positive to blog about!

I’ve spend the last 12 months learning a new photography profession, with the aim to set up my own part time business. This leading towards my financial independence again.

Today I had my first sale! After only one week of my business up and running!

I cried. Tears of shock, joy and no doubt other emotions. I didn’t expect people to like my work as much as they clearly do. I didn’t expect people to want to pay me.

I could into all the complex trauma reasons why I put myself down and still don’t expect good reactions from people in my life. There is still fear, shame, low self esteem, my normal being people treating me like I am worthless……… and more. But, I don’t want to write about all that. I know I have those issues still. I’m working on them and okay that it will be a long process, after 46 years of abuse. It’s okay that I haven’t ‘fixed’ all that yet.

So, instead – I will focus on my success. My talent. Others recognising that. Others treating me like I am a person of worth. People giving me amazing feedback about my work and their whole experience with me.

It’s a huge step in the direction of where my life needs to head.

I also recognise how much courage and strength it has taken for me to do this, considering how traumatic 2017 was, and how ill I am.

I’m going to be okay with being a success. With being a person other people do value.  Continue reading


2 Million Views



I just shared some blogs on my Facebook page, as I want to start sharing my work again. And I realised my blog is over 2 million views.

Which is a huge achievement, and still overwhelms me to think how many people all round the world read my thoughts and writings.

This blog has made a significant difference to many suffering and struggling. Those who have endured complex trauma. And it’s helped many mental health professionals understand complex trauma more – to better help their clients – as per their messages.

I’m glad my capacity to write in a way that helps many, is making such a difference.

I’m glad my capacity to understand complex and highly emotional issues, helps others.

I’m glad I have the heart to want to help others, after all I have endured.

I’m glad I show that no matter what you have personally suffered, no matter how much pain and abuse you’ve been subjected to……….. you can still be a good person. An empathic person. A person who wants to help, not hurt.  Continue reading


I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.

I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.

This means I personally – will never be okay.

I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.

I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.

People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.

I have no hope for my situation to improve.

I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.

I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality.  Shaming me in the process.  Continue reading


Narcissists, Psychopaths etc – Love To Shit All Over Anything Good For Their Victims

I had something really exciting happen today. A photographer I love has given me the opportunity to watch her work and process sales, all through all her Christmas sessions. The amount I will learn from this is considerable. It is such an amazing opportunity for me, and one good thing happening in my life right now.

When I told my husband, his immediate reaction and look on his face was absolutely resentment. Then he made it ‘all about him’ and negative, by nastily saying, that ‘he’ might not be able to get all ‘his’ shifts sorted around ‘all these dates’. Like I was doing something wrong to ‘him’. Because in his putrid mind – it’s always ‘all about him’. And it’s complete BS, because these dates are enough in advance of the shifts being worked out. He has stated many times his shifts can be worked around any dates that family members need for work or other appointments Plus, he has stacks of annual leave he has to take.

He wanted to make this an immediate negative and make me feel badly about wanting to do this. He wanted me to feel badly about something good for me.

Interestingly, when I told him I don’t care what he needs to do – I’m doing the photography thing and he better get it sorted so he can take care of our young son, he got the time off agreed immediately, with no issues to him at all.

It  was such a clear example of what his heart and soul are truly all about. You scratch the surface and there is nothing but blackness.

He abused me for 17 years – emotionally, psychologically and sexually (all confirmed in counselling as such) – which absolutely led to my breakdown 5 years ago and now my deteriorating physical health, and yet he still resents anything good for me. And clearly has zero remorse or shame for what he has done.

Just an ongoing need to make my life worse. As he has done for 17 years.

And just to kick me more – when he’s already kicked me down – he chose to make a joke this afternoon about all the abuse he’s subjected to. He thinks abuse is funny. He wanted me to know that he thinks all the abuse he subjected me too – is funny to him.

He totally shat all over my only light in this shit life, home and environment I am forced to have to live in, because I am too ill to leave.

I’m going into hospital on Thursday – due to serious life threatening health issues – he is largely the cause of………. and he can’t be happy or even okay – for the one good thing happening in my life right now. Continue reading