Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Complex PTSD Triggers About Suicide, Are Horrendous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.

It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.

PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.

Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.

Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.

I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.

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I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.

I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.

I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it. Continue reading


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A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.

This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

helping someone with depression

Continue reading


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I am not an ‘expert’ and I cannot give individual advice ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I received an email today, stating that my name features high on internet searches for ‘Complex PTSD expert’. I often receive requests for ‘expert advice’ and this concerns me.

I need to make this really clear…. I am not an expert, I am not a mental health professional, I am not a trauma therapist and I am not trained to give individual advice.

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I am insightful into complex trauma and complex PTSD. I have extensively researched about these and this research has been with all the trauma experts in the field.

I do have considerable insight into my complex trauma journey and there are many issues and symptoms I face, that many other survivors relate to and my  insight resonates with many.

But, this does not make me an expert, or someone who knows everything about complex trauma. And I never suggest I do know all there is to know.

I make it very clear that journeys cannot be compared, as they are all so different. I have endured many forms of abuse and trauma to a severe level, however, there are areas of trauma I have not personally experienced.

Frankly, anyone calling themselves a complex trauma expert, that is not highly educated and trained within this specialised area of trauma, needs to be avoided.

There are far too many people out there, wrongly and dangerously believing they can offer advice and in fact, there are even many mental health professionals, who are not sufficiently trained and educated in complex trauma.

I do understand many people relate to what I write and share, and with this blog being at over 1.4 million views, I do see the insight I bring to the conversation about Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD – are valuable.

But, I do not want anyone to assume that makes me an expert. The only expertise I have, is in my own journey. Continue reading


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Be Aware Of Toxic People Re-directing The Focus – To The Reaction To Abuse ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

A post to my page. I have endured this my entire life.


Toxic people like to re-direct the focus – away from their chosen decisions to abuse – to the reaction of the victim.

It’s a form of manipulation, that enables the toxic abuser – to avoid focussing on their actions, to avoid taking accountability or responsibility for their chosen abusive behaviours.

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When they re-direct focus to e.g. the victims anger – they can claim the victim is the one in the wrong. The victim is the one with the issues. The victim is the problem.

See how they shift the focus and shame – from themselves – to the victim? It happens a lot. It is very common with toxic people.

They can say things like ‘why are you so angry’ – ‘no one can talk to you when you get like this’, ‘look at you – you’re crazy’.

The focus is shifted – and the focus becomes about the anger/resentment/emotional distress – the victim is feeling.

The anger/ emotions/ distress etc the victim has ‘every right’ to feel…….. because being angry/ emotional/ distressed- at being abused – is a NORMAL and rational response to being treated badly and to being abused.

Continue reading


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Wanting to die, never leaves my thoughts.

lana-dead

I am exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

Worn down every day due to living with a toxic person.

Totally alone. No-one to talk to.

PTSD symptoms, are all pretty bad. Having horrible dreams most nights. Anxiety high. Dizziness and arm seizures, occurring frequently. Back, shoulder and neck pain pretty bad.

I truly wish I could die. Continue reading


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When You Deal With Truth – Many Will Not Walk That Pathway With You ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have come to understand most people choose to take the viewpoint about abusers – that best serves themselves. Most people in life will take the easiest road. The road of less pain. The road of believing whatever makes life easiest. No matter how irrational, or distorted the thinking.

Some people choose to believe narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, paedophilia etc – are ‘mental illness’. Which is not correct. They are character disturbances and evil at work. Not mental illness. And they do indeed know what they are doing. It is intentional. It is conscious abuse.

Some people choose to believe abusers don’t know what they are doing is wrong. Yes, they do know it’s wrong. Why else would they lie and hide it? Why else would they act one way around victims/potential victims, and another around other people? That’s proof alone they know it’s wrong. It’s also proof they can control their behaviours. Yet, this is so often ignored, as this does not fit the lie that abusers ‘can’t help it’.

One of the reasons people choose to believe in these lies………. is they cannot bear to think the person who abused them, didn’t love them. Or face the fact, that the abuser wanted to hurt them. It is easier for many – to believe this is not true. It’s harder to know someone didn’t love you. It’s harder to know they wanted to hurt you. It’s a truth many don’t want to face. So they choose lies – to make it ‘feel better’. To avoid the pain. Avoidance is a huge coping strategy for many.

Another reason people believe lies, are if they minimize it all…….. then it doesn’t feel so bad. If they minimize the abuse, minimize the abusers intentional actions, minimize the affect of the abuse……. it ‘feels better’. But, this minimizing does not allow the survivor to face the truth. And how can you heal – if you don’t deal with the reality of it all?

And there are more reasons why people choose to believe lies about abuse and about abusers.

I do understand why people believe lies. It is easier. I know – I did it for a long time too. I minimized all the abuse. I couldn’t face the fact that my own mother wanted me to be sexually abused. That’s a terribly painful reality to deal with. So, I do know why people choose to delude themselves.

I have no issue with people believing whatever they want to believe……… except when they then demand everyone else has to believe those lies too. Or they delude themselves they are giving ‘good advice’. When it’s not.

For those of us who choose to walk the painful road of truth…….. it is not helped by being told what we know – is wrong. It’s not wrong. It’s just a truth many people cannot (yet) handle. Some may face the truth at some point in their life. Some won’t.

People talk about wanting to deal with truth and wanting honesty – but truth is often a pill too bitter to swallow.

I see many in society, many abuse survivors, many mental health professionals – all believing in lies about abusers. And often they will do anything – no matter how bizarre – to defend their views. They will shame other survivors, tell survivors they are not ‘good enough’ and all manner of further traumatising actions and words. Some will delude themselves they are ‘better people’ – which may stroke their own ego, but it is still a lie.

I realise cognitive dissonance is as prevalent – as other cognitive distortions of ‘minimizing’, ‘rationalising’, ‘invalidating’, ‘rose coloured glasses’ etc.

I do get why this happens.

But, I have travelled way past that point in my journey. I have faced the heinous truths. And that takes far more courage and capacity to deal with reality. Yet, to many – I am wrong in going down this part of my journey.

I realise most people only know what they have personally experienced. And if a persons own experience, is stuck at the point of believing lies, minimizing, rationalising… etc…then they can’t see further than that. They ‘choose’ not to see further.Or they are not at a point of their journey, in being able to face the truth. And they will then justify their beliefs anyway they can. One common one, is to delude themselves they are being ‘compassionate’ to abusers. That really does make some people ‘feel better’.

People’s need to protect their own current belief systems, is pretty strong. Not strong in a good way. But more of a ‘strong’ in the sense of a big, huge log, often strongly blocking their pathway to truth and reality.

If I was an artist – I would draw this path…… with this huge log stuck in the middle….. completely blocking the pathway. With many people on the one side of it, doing nothing to try to move it. So they remain where they are. But, they feel okay, because there are many are all in the same place. So together they feel safe. And they tell themselves and each other, they are fine where they are. And they just try to ignore the huge log.

Then I would draw another path, with some people who are not okay with staying where they are, pushing this huge log out of the way. I would depict the pain created by this and the strength and effort – to move this log. It takes time. There are tears and fears about what is on the other side of the huge log. Their safety is threatened. Some persist and some give up. But, some know they must persist.  Continue reading


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The childhood complex trauma shame – of apologising, when you shouldn’t.

I was raised to be the child heinously blamed, shamed and abused. With my mother, I learned young to do whatever it took to reduce her anger, lesson the abuse, and end the silent treatment. Including, apologising for things that were not mine to apologise for. In fact, they were my mothers issues and responsibility to apologise for. And that never happened.

So, it set me up on a lifelong road of being the scapegoat. And taking the blame and responsibility, for things that were not mine. Not being allowed to show valid emotions. Having to tolerate all manner of toxic issues projected onto me. And just take it. Like a doormat.

And a lifelong road of apologising, when in fact there was no reason for me to apologise. And apologising for having normal reactions to being harmed or hurt. While the apology that should be given to me…… wasn’t. As always was the situation.

In fact, this is what happened with all the abusers. I had to do whatever it took, to reduce the harm that was always coming. To diffuse the abusers anger. I apologised continually to the psychopath. I would beg and plead. Do whatever he wanted. Say whatever he wanted. Sometimes it worked to reduce his rage and anger. Other times, it fed his sick need to hurt me. But, it was my only hope of getting hurt less.

I’m aware this was all a survival mode. But, I always hated myself inside for having to do this. It fed my shame. It’s sad how much toxic shame has pervaded my whole life.

I did this recently, with my counsellor. I know why. I’d rather take the blame for a situation I had every right to be angry about. But, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry. So, rather than face ongoing rejection, abandonment, grieving………. I caved. And apologised. In fact, I am ashamed to realise, Continue reading