Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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When it all seems hopeless – my children are always the light in my life ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My children are currently on their 6 week summer holidays. This is their last week. I have made sure they are having a great holidays, even on days when I don’t even want to get out of bed.

So much has happened lately, and it is completely overwhelming.

Yet, every day my boys give me the strength to keep going. They deserve for me to keep going and doing the best I can, for them.

When all else fails, and I have nothing else….. I have my beautiful boys.

When I see them laughing, playing, giggling and having fun, and I feel the joy they have within them, I am always reminded I am blessed.

I photograph them a lot now, and I like to catch candid moments of them playing and laughing. When I feel down, I go and edit photos and see the joy in their faces, and it gives me that light I need. Continue reading

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Am I grieving? Depressed? Or both?


I am aware there are different forms of grieving I am experiencing, along with different forms of depression.

I don’t think I know the difference between them anymore.

I’m just trying to focus on one day at a time.

And focus on my children.






The Inner Child -v- Grown Woman Conflict… Rages On ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have a situation going on – where the inner child in me, is devastated.


Desperately wanting to reach out to someone I cared about, and knowing I can’t.

Someone I thought cared about me. But, now I know – didn’t.

I have abandonment depression (as so insightfully described by Pete Walker) and I am aware how painful it is, and the valid reasons for it.

Every time I check my emails – I know there is a part of me – desperately wants to see an email from this person. Desperate for something…. anything. Any scrap of attention – even if it’s to be angry with me. And so sad every time I see there is nothing.

My inner child in me wants to reach out to this person ……… and the 45 year old woman in me – knows I can’t and knows I have to grieve – and that person is gone.

I wrote a poem a few years ago – that fits exactly how my inner child feels.

Poem – Inner Child’s Pain, Of Letting Go

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


My needy inner child

Desperately searches for

What she never had

Scared to her core


To face and know

You cannot be

What I need

For the child in me


‘Letting go’

Words I fear

You are in my heart Continue reading


Concentrating on my children and my growing friendships

I am continuing concentrating on my offline life – my children – who I am having such quality time with and my growing friendships.

My children are having a great school holidays and we have visited the beaches, the zoo, parks and we play lots of games together. They are happy kids who know they have a mother who loves and cherishes them, and they feel safe and secure with me. They know I have their best interests at heart and I love them dearly. That means everything to me.

I am also developing some nice friendships with some mothers I know via our children’s school, and my ladies group continues to flourish and friendships are growing. They may be superficial relationships, but they are pleasant.

I don’t intend ever talking about my work here, or my trauma history – with any friends. I have learned nothing good ever comes from being upfront and honest about it. No-one who knows about any of that – has dealt with it appropriately. I’ve either been victim blamed/shamed, shunned, or people have reacted badly to it. Or used it against me.   Continue reading


This would be my preferred book title. But I won’t use it.

‘In The Land Of Gods And Monsters – I Was An Angel – Living In The Garden Of Evil’.

But, it is one of Lana Del Rey’s songs, and I wouldn’t try to use it due to integrity to not disrespect Lana and to not infringe copyright.

But, it is a very fitting book title.

And as she says “No-one’s gonna take my soul away”.


Never get fed up of Lana’s voice

I find Lana Del Rey songs to be like soothing lullabies.

But with deep meaning in the lyrics, I identify with. 

Her music soothes me. It helps me cope. It helps my healing.

She will always be very special to me.

She’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

In fact, she is quite controversial.

Especially when misunderstood, buy those who don’t ‘get her’.

Which I also identify with.

Continue reading