Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Narcissists, Psychopaths etc – Love To Shit All Over Anything Good For Their Victims

I had something really exciting happen today. A photographer I love has given me the opportunity to watch her work and process sales, all through all her Christmas sessions. The amount I will learn from this is considerable. It is such an amazing opportunity for me, and one good thing happening in my life right now.

When I told my husband, his immediate reaction and look on his face was absolutely resentment. Then he made it ‘all about him’ and negative, by nastily saying, that ‘he’ might not be able to get all ‘his’ shifts sorted around ‘all these dates’. Like I was doing something wrong to ‘him’. Because in his putrid mind – it’s always ‘all about him’. And it’s complete BS, because these dates are enough in advance of the shifts being worked out. He has stated many times his shifts can be worked around any dates that family members need for work or other appointments Plus, he has stacks of annual leave he has to take.

He wanted to make this an immediate negative and make me feel badly about wanting to do this. He wanted me to feel badly about something good for me.

Interestingly, when I told him I don’t care what he needs to do – I’m doing the photography thing and he better get it sorted so he can take care of our young son, he got the time off agreed immediately, with no issues to him at all.

It  was such a clear example of what his heart and soul are truly all about. You scratch the surface and there is nothing but blackness.

He abused me for 17 years – emotionally, psychologically and sexually (all confirmed in counselling as such) – which absolutely led to my breakdown 5 years ago and now my deteriorating physical health, and yet he still resents anything good for me. And clearly has zero remorse or shame for what he has done.

Just an ongoing need to make my life worse. As he has done for 17 years.

And just to kick me more – when he’s already kicked me down – he chose to make a joke this afternoon about all the abuse he’s subjected to. He thinks abuse is funny. He wanted me to know that he thinks all the abuse he subjected me too – is funny to him.

He totally shat all over my only light in this shit life, home and environment I am forced to have to live in, because I am too ill to leave.

I’m going into hospital on Thursday – due to serious life threatening health issues – he is largely the cause of………. and he can’t be happy or even okay – for the one good thing happening in my life right now. Continue reading


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Being admitted for cardiology testing next week. Variety of very valid emotions.

Received a phone call from the cardiology department about my admission for testing on my heart/blood pressure issues. So I should be going in, within a few days.

I’m feeling a combination of emotions.

Scared and fearful of what they might find is wrong with me and how serious it is and all the many consequences. I am aware the chronic low blood pressure issue I have is not normal for someone me age and potentially a life threatening health issue.

Angry that all the people who have chosen to abuse me throughout my entire life – and have caused me to have these physical health issues I am now dealing with. I am very aware that it is all the trauma that has impacted my physical and mental health. It makes sense that someone who has been abused so badly, over decades, would have a variety of physical health issues. Trauma affects the physical body, as well as emotional/mental health.

Scared this will impact my capacity to find a job in the future to become independent again and be able to financially support my children.

Really over dealing with health issues that plague my life and cause such a negative impact on my quality of life. And all being caused by abusive people – who could have chosen to treat me well, but didn’t and they had no excuses for what they did.

I’m very aware it is completely okay and normal to feel these emotions, and I’m aware I don’t have to minimize them, or invalidate my own fears and anxiety. I’m trying to do better with not feeling shame about being angry. I have every right to be angry. And suppressing that – would not be healthy.

My doctor/counsellor said she will come and see me in the hospital, which is very kind of her and above and beyond what she needs to do. I am very thankful for that Continue reading


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Poem – Smile, Be Positive… Like They All Say ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Smile, Be Positive… Like They All Say

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

pretending-what-is-not-TMF

Just smile, it’s what everyone wants to see

Just act strong, like you’re expected to be

You can’t be negative, that’s not allowed

Got to be positive, hopeful and proud

After all, hope is your middle name

Anything else, is weakness and shame

But I have no hope left, I’m now too ill

46 years of abuse, my soul it did kill

My body it’s broken… old and weary

It wants to die, be at rest, be free

But, I have to keep going, every day

Put on that smile, like they all say

Forty six years of trauma and abuse

Not one of them had a valid excuse

Doesn’t matter, still have to be positive

Even if you have nothing left to give Continue reading


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Still waiting for admission to hospital….

Still waiting for admission to hospital for my blood pressure issues, that I know are now classed as chronic and they are potentially life threatening. Especially for someone my age to have these issues, as they are normally only occur in elderly people.

I’m aware the profound levels stress, anxiety and severe ongoing trauma I have endured over the last 46 years – has had a huge affect on my physical health, as well as my emotional/mental health.

Wish these tests were over, but thankful I live somewhere with a public health system. Continue reading


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When I’m Struggling – People’s Views About Abusers Are A Huge Trigger & Can Be Too Painful ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

boundaries-do-not-cross

 

Something I have realised over the last 5 years of counselling and processing all the severe trauma I have endured…….. is other people’s views and opinions about abusers can be too hard, too painful and too emotional for me to deal with, particularly when I am struggling.

People are not ‘bad’ people for having their own needed views – and I get people need to believe whatever gets them through. And everyone can choose their beliefs and that’s okay. And I believe that people’s different views are okay for each individual person.

But, some beliefs are far too triggering. They often cause more damage and I’ve realised I need strong boundaries.

When we are struggling, it’s necessary to have boundaries and I know I need to stay away from anything that will push me over the edge.

I’ve learned to have my own boundaries and stay away from reading anything on the internet and social media – that will likely provoke an emotional overwhelm and triggers of the past.

I believe in emotional boundaries – our own to take responsibility for what we expose ourselves to….. and to keep away from other people’s views that hurt.

I’ve learned I can manage my triggers when I am really struggling. Not perfectly – but I am much better at this now. Continue reading


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So Thankful For My Son’s Teacher Telling Me About Her Ex Being A Narcissist

thankful today

I had to talk to my youngest son’s teacher this morning, about my son leaving school early today, for an appointment with a child psychologist. I decided to explain why and that his father is narcissistic. I didn’t know how that would be received, but I needed his teacher to understand how my son is being affected.

I am SO glad I did, because she totally understood and explained her ex – the father of her daughter – is also a narcissist and she has been through hell due to him over the last 6 years. She even had to have 6 months off work, due to him making her so ill emotionally, mentally and physically. She totally understood why I am currently physically unwell and the emotional and psychological toll and impact on all the family.

She said yesterday – Fathers Day – was awful for her and her daughter was upset and it was not a good time. I explained yesterday was not good for us either.

She totally understood everything I have been going through and the effect on my children. She said she has noticed my son zoning out a bit and she also said that he is such an intelligent boy, that he would no doubt be a straight A grade student, if it weren’t for these issues at home. And I appreciated her honesty and being so understanding of how his father is affecting him. Continue reading


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I Hate Fathers Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have always dreaded Father’s Day and now this year, that has worsened. Today, I tried so hard today to make it okay for my 8 year old, but half the day has been horrendous.

The reality of how much abuse I have endured, throughout my entire life, is beyond painful to deal with. The reality of being groomed, conned and trapped into having children with what I now know is a narcissistic psychopathic man, is painful beyond description.

I feel terribly sad for my children. They deserve so much better than the father they have. And I feel sad for me for all I endured in my childhood. My birth father abandoned me, my step father abused me in heinous ways. And I’ve never has a father figure, or even a decent man in my life.

I am angry to the point of hatred – at being lied to and having children with someone so heinously manipulative and selfish. Who is a really poor father, who does bare minimum and doesn’t have willingness to change that.

I feel sad for his daughter he willingly abandoned and couldn’t less about. I know Father’s day is hard for her too, because her father is a disgusting man.

My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.

I considered sending my counsellor a message, because I am so severely depressed. But she is probably enjoying a great day with her husband who is a good father to their children. And it would be selfish of me to be so negative and intrude into that. Continue reading


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I Just Need Empathy At Times When I’m Really Low ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

empathy 1

 

I went to counselling yesterday. I nearly didn’t go.

One thing I realised – that even when I’m at my worst – I can now fight for what I need – empathy.

It was a difficult session. I cried a lot. I tried my best to explain how painful it all feels. I explained to my counsellor I just needed empathy. Not her telling me what I should be doing, or pushing me to be stronger than I am capable of being.

I even told her of a quote I read…

“Empathy is not always insisting everything will be okay.

Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s not”

~ unknown

Another thing I noticed, is that even though I was very emotional…. I did manage to remain calm, not get to the point where I needed to just leave.

I’ve realised my counsellor is a ‘fixer’. She wants so much for people to be doing better and getting to a better place, she pushes me too hard sometimes. She doesn’t realise I truly am doing everything I can already. And I know this does not come from a bad place. She is showing compassion and doing what she thinks she needs to do – as a therapist.

But, sometimes I just need to cry, grieve, be heard and her to just acknowledge that. And know that when I am ready – I will do better. As I always do.

I stood up for my needs and she got there. She realised what I was asking for. She even acknowledged that she may push me too hard and I can say when she is doing this.

So, I am chalking this up to progress – for her and for me. Continue reading


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Self Harm & Daydreaming About Death – Are How I Now Cope To Barely Stay Alive

justwanttodie

 

I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.

I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.

But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.

I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.

I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.

I just want peace.

I just want this hell to end.

I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then Continue reading