Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Church people’s ‘faith’ sure can become a big fat idol, for evil.

A lot of church people are just as screwed up as secular society, if not more so.

They hang on to certain views and certain Bible verses and they use that to avoid wisdom, to avoid responsibility, to stay apathetic and basically use it as an idol for all the wrong reasons.

Cardinal Pell – someone I have identified easily as having the dark triad traits – along with his matey Sir Tony Abbott – caught out lying – again http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-08-11/church-report-found-priest-guilty-of-sex-abuse-no-charges-laid/5662984

Now some Christians will just automatically revert to – ‘we must not assume that is correct, we must not listen to gossip’ etc….perfect excuse to not believe that evil is occurring. No thought or empathy for the victims. Perpetrator protecting, at it’s best – only with church people’s crap as the excuse.

And this kind of evil, is not just a Catholic Church issue – I have been shown that very clearly, over the last few years.

Do any of these church people even try to imagine what it is like to be abused and not be believed and treated like shit – abused more? Evidently not. Empathy – not common. Yeah sure there are counsellors willing to listen to the abuse – all re-active stuff after the abuse has occurred, blab on about compassion for abusers and even then victims get doubted, but who is actually trying to stop the abuse?

It sure isn’t people like Cardinal Pell. And he’s been promoted. Oh how that is something that so familiar with me – an abuser – who gets away with it – the victim treated like shit – lies corruption, cover ups – no-one steps up – and the abuser is promoted.

Commonly occurs, it would seem. For the victims, this disgusting evil behaviour, is more abuse. And so few care. Such good ‘Christians’, aren’t they?

Talk about mind controlled, abuse encouraging, victim blaming, victim re-traumatising, evil occurring. But, apparently I am wrong to think this. It’s my ‘issues’ to care about the victims and point out this evil. Yeah sure ‘I’ am the one with the issues… Continue reading

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I am thankful my blogs about Pastor A. Allinson, show up at the top on google searches.

I am well aware there are many who would believe that exposing a pastor publicly, is wrong.

I disagree, he had every opportunity given to him to deal with this appropriately and privately – he made his choices to continue lying. And I know my heart in this, I know abuse has occurred over 2 years now, corruption has occurred and I have support about this.

I have deep levels of emotional courage and spiritual integrity. Something I am aware many church people don’t and won’t accept in others, but that doesn’t mean they are right.

I choose to know and see Jesus as my role model, not church people.

Abuse and false teachers should always be exposed and I do have the spiritual integrity and emotional courage to do this – because God is first and foremost in my life and God does not condone lies, abuse, lack of repentance, wolves in sheeps clothing and His word makes that VERY clear. Continue reading

When corruption is occurring at the top, it filters down, infecting all.

Churches are supposed to be a ‘safe place’, for people to heal.

Where people can have an expectation of no corruption, and for sins of ministers, those in power, to be dealt with appropriately.

Not where abusive corrupt people, are enabled to abuse, and be corrupt.

And where people already hurting, needing healing, get abused further.

I still under-estimate myself and my courage.

Having a particularly bad week, so doctor who is away, advised I see another doctor. I stated I was feeling numb and doubted I would be able to talk.

He is a nice man and happens to be the person who mediated at the mediation where I was further abused by the narc pastor. So at least I have met him, this doctor has seen them in action and knew a little about what had gone on.

I ended up being able to tell a fair bit about how I feel, and the two separate situations occurring;

(1) The current abuse situation, of spiritual/grooming about by a pastor and the subsequent lies, cover up, whitewashing, corruption by the in-house investigators and the Baptist Church, all of which had been confirmed to me, is correct, is abuse, is very wrong, not remotely Godly and I have grounds to take legal action about. And I know – they would not have lied and stated crap in that report – unless they needed to for dodgy reasons.

And then, the abuser getting promoted – which is clearly a very suspicious and dodgy move by the Baptist Church and more evidence of their abusive and non Godly actions. And my shock about this and my reasons why.

This alone being bad enough to endure, and causing huge layers of distress I feel for others who will be infected by this and sheer disgust at how so called ‘Christians’ act – which goes on far too much in Christianity. How there is no-where near enough emotional courage and spiritual integrity within churches, and within denominational hierarchy’s, to deal with these abusive people appropriately. And how I know everyone involved in this, has failed. Regardless of their reasons for justifying it.

And people abused within churches – are often treated very badly. That is common too. Continue reading


Comfortably numb…

I don’t want to feel my emotions anymore. I have endured too much abuse to deal with.

It’s too unsafe to deal with it. ‘Unsafe’ – a huge aspect of my entire life.

Either way is unsafe. Too much zoning out, and too much feeling emotions. I’m screwed either way.

I am very happy to exist within the needed amount of numbness, to function, but not feel anything.

I would no doubt be told this is not healthy, not healing…

Well, it keeps me safe.


Everyone failed as God’s people, corruption, more abuse occurred & was enabled.

It is becoming more and more clear to me and my husband (so this is not about ‘my issues’), that in the last 2 years of dealing with an abusive, lying, narcissistic pastor – everyone who became a part of this, failed.

Throughout this mess, there have been 3 counsellors, 3 investigators – one of whom was a psychologist, a senior pastor and the heads of the Baptist Church – all involved. All of whom will claim to be strong, mature, wise Christians.

What is clear and has been confirmed;

– This pastor is a liar. His wife admitted that. He admitted that.

– He deliberately broke many rules and carried out highly inappropriate actions, that his own senior pastor wasn’t even aware of, or his wife.

– He displayed highly narcissistic behaviour, clear narc rage/injury and many typical narc behaviours were used, denying, minimizing, lying, no empathy, no remorse, calling me ‘demonic’ – all at a mediation witnessed by two counsellor/doctors, and a senior pastor.

– It has been confirmed to me, that the belief after this was that this man and his wife were too immature to be in ministry and also needed marriage counselling.

– It has been confirmed to me that his behaviour is narcissism.

– Then the investigation took place – my doctor/counsellor who was at the mediation – confirmed in writing I had been abused and the investigators lied through their arses in the report – saying the ‘mediation was poorly conducted and did not benefit anyone concerned’ – which was outright lies, total crap and something they have NO right to state – because they were not there and this is so obviously LIES to cover up this pastors behaviours.
Continue reading


I do my small part, as one person, to explain wrong ‘Christian’ abusive views.

I am only one person, I’m still in my own healing journey. Trying to cope with, recover from a severe trauma history.

I see so many abusive views held by too many church people. I’ve endured them and I know God wants this used to help others.

God needs His people who understand who He is, to help others.

But, I am not under any ego/illusion that I am going to ‘change the world’. I can only do what I can, and help a few people. My gift is writing, which isn’t amazing in any way, but it is honest, real, relatable, and many people clearly value it.

My experiences in life are mostly about ‘abuse’. So this is what I write about mostly and also I incorporate the abuse I know and have seen and have endured by church people.

It offends my soul, when God, Jesus’ Word is used to abuse people. It is an added layer of disgust for me and whether intentional, or not, it is evil occurring. Continue reading


So…it would seem the abusive pastor, may have been told to ‘move on’.

A little anonymous dicky bird, has let me know that they have heard, the abusive pastor who abused me has been told by people above – to move to another church, due to concerns that I have enough evidence and support from witnesses, to take legal action against him, which will damage the Baptist Church’s reputation too much.

And the dicky bird stated, – like the abuse that occurred to me, was kept hushed up, and very few know about the truth of it, very few know this is the real reasons why he is moving on, so soon after a formal complaint that had no choice but to admit so many failures and very suspicious behaviours, of an associate minister, because I provided proof.

Wouldn’t surprise me if he has been ‘told’ to move, and I know enough corruption has already occurred, and does throughout Church institutions worldwide, to know anything is possible.

It’s kind of like how the Catholic church who are renowned for ‘moving on’ sexual predator priests, before anyone takes legal action. Continue reading

One single person, cannot beat a corrupt, twisted religious establishment.

I have accepted this. Not in accepting how corrupt and how psychologically twisted many religious establishments are.

I have researched enough to know, this goes on far too much within churches and religious organisations.

The biggest validation of this is the Royal Commission investigations. Which many mind controlled, sociopathic types within churches, believe is ‘terrible’. I mean, how dare people come in and expose ‘Christians’ for who they really are – liars, abusers, hypocrites and not remotely Godly.

It bothers me greatly, that God is used as an excuse for abuse, lies, narcissism etc.

But, I also accept that I cannot – as one person – beat a system, no matter how much I want to, for the sake of many people getting hurt and future spiritual abuse victims.

I can’t ‘save’ these people from these wolves.

And with a very heavy heart, and pain within me for how much this is so wrong, I accept my part in trying to deal with this, has to be over.