I Just Need Empathy At Times When I’m Really Low ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

I went to counselling yesterday. I nearly didn’t go.

One thing I realised – that even when I’m at my worst – I can now fight for what I need – empathy.

It was a difficult session. I cried a lot. I tried my best to explain how painful it all feels. I explained to my counsellor I just needed empathy. Not her telling me what I should be doing, or pushing me to be stronger than I am capable of being.

I even told her of a quote I read…

“Empathy is not always insisting everything will be okay.

Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s not”

~ unknown

Another thing I noticed, is that even though I was very emotional…. I did manage to remain calm, not get to the point where I needed to just leave.

I’ve realised my counsellor is a ‘fixer’. She wants so much for people to be doing better and getting to a better place, she pushes me too hard sometimes. She doesn’t realise I truly am doing everything I can already. And I know this does not come from a bad place. She is showing compassion and doing what she thinks she needs to do – as a therapist.

But, sometimes I just need to cry, grieve, be heard and her to just acknowledge that. And know that when I am ready – I will do better. As I always do.

I stood up for my needs and she got there. She realised what I was asking for. She even acknowledged that she may push me too hard and I can say when she is doing this.

So, I am chalking this up to progress – for her and for me.

The Shame & Hurt Of Being An ‘Untouchable’ Client – To My Therapist ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have always assumed my therapist has a ‘no touching clients’ rule. I assumed this, because within the last 5 years I have been seeing her, she has never held my hand, or hugged me. And I know about therapy boundaries, and ethical codes of conduct. So, I know some therapists still choose to hug etc, but some don’t.  I assumed the latter, was the case for my counsellor.

This week, however, while I was sitting in the waiting room, I realised she does not have this rule, for all her clients. I saw her hug and kiss a woman on the cheek. I could tell by the conversation, this woman was not a friend, because she hadn’t seen her for a while. And if this woman was a friend, she wouldn’t be at the counselling centre making an appointment.

It shocked me, because this was not something I ever expected to see. And it made me realise, I had assumed she had this ‘no touch’ rule, which made me feel better, about her not hugging me, or holding my hand, like I know other therapists choose to.

Of course, I have been wondering since, why she chooses not to have physical contact with me? What’s wrong with me, that makes me someone she would not touch? Bearing in mind as well, that she was a GP for years prior to becoming a counsellor, so she is very used to touching patients.

Obviously there is something about me, that I don’t realise – makes normal people not want to touch me. And it seems only toxic, abusive people want to touch me.

 

It is very painful to realise this. I must be repulsive in some way that I don’t understand. I always shower prior to appointments. I wear clean clothes. I’m not repulsive in my appearance. So, I can only assume it is my personality, or my character that is the issue. Or, maybe it’s my past and someone like me, really is damaged goods? And that makes normal people find me physically repulsive? Maybe,

Someone Saying “I Am Proud Of You” – Is Still Confusing ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Over the last few months, I have been really struggling, as I processed through the issues in my marriage and the reality of who I married and all I have endured. It has been incredibly painful. I feel my emotions and grieving – deeply. Processing this (hopefully) last piece of the lifetime of trauma I have endured – has taken me beyond my capacity to cope and close to suicide.

Over the last week, I did what I always do – and pulled myself back out of that pit of hopeless depression and pain, and started to make efforts to deal with it all and start to focus on healthy things that will move me back towards hope and the light at the end of the tunnel.

My counsellor has been pretty good at accepting the level of pain I have felt at processing the trauma I have endured for the last 16 years. For as much as she is able, she has validated the abuse, the trauma, the suffering it has caused. And – unlike in the past – she has not challenged me for using terms like ‘narcissist’ – because basically I told her not to. I get that she (as a therapist/doctor) cannot call someone a narcissist – but I can – and I will not be told this is wrong, or shamed for it. As long as I don’t do anything harmful to abusers (which I don’t), or wish them anything bad (which I don’t) – then my counsellor or anyone else, does not get to tell me what I call abusers. And I think she finally gets that now.

My last appointment went better than the one prior to that. Two weeks ago, I left in tears, because I was in a really bad way. I was past my capacity to talk. I just needed to feel the pain, feel the emotions, and just lie down, watch TV, and just get through each day.

But, this week, the appointment went far better. By then, I had pulled myself out of the dark, hopeless pit and decided what I needed to start doing, to improve my physical and mental health. And move towards the life I want – of being strong enough to heal some more, feel healthy, train for a job, find a job, and gain back my independence.

I told my counsellor what I was doing. I had offered to volunteer at a police run organisation, where youth programs are offered. And as a result of offering to volunteer – I get free use of the gym and all exercise classes. Which is truly amazing – as I was concerned as to how much it would cost. It is such a blessing to get it all free.

During this conversation, my counsellor said ‘I am proud of you’. And said something about my strength to pull myself out of the dark pit, and start focussing on improving my life.

When she said ‘I am proud of you’ – I felt immediately confused and I know I looked down at my hands. It still feels really weird for anyone to say that to me. I didn’t really know how to react. And I’m not sure how I did react. I don’t know if I said ‘thank you’  or if I verbally responded at all.

 

No-one during my childhood or adulthood, ever told me they were proud of me. I’ve never been around decent or healthy people. All the significant relationships I have had, have been with toxic, personality disordered, and/or abusive people. And yet despite this, I tell my sons I am proud of them all the time. I know the importance of hearing it, even though I didn’t have anyone say it to me.

The confusion I felt when my counsellor said it, shows how weird it is for me to hear it.  And I know it has flagged as something weird to me, because I keep thinking about it. I think people saying anything nice to me, that isn’t to get something from me, is weird for me. Still.

Going to try and access a bulk billing psychiatrist.

I’m a mess, and I know I can’t do this alone. I need professional support and I need someone who truly understands complex trauma.

I’m going to contact the hospital I went to a few times when suicidal. They said I could phone them, or contact them, whenever I needed to. The male psychiatrist I saw, was really lovely and the woman I saw a few days later, was really easy to talk to.

I need to talk to someone who gets it and can validate my journey and not force personal opinions/beliefs on me. I need to see someone who won’t force their self serving opinions about heinous abusers on me. I need someone with the sensitivity and empathy to know what to say, and what not to say.

Be careful of therapists who counsel abusers – such as paedophiles, narcissists, sociopaths & psychopaths…. and victims/survivors of abuse.

Be careful of therapists who counsel abusers – such as paedophiles, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths…. and victims/survivors of abuse.

Too often – therapists who counsel abusers – minimize the abuse and make excuses for the abuser.

This is entirely self serving reasons – as it is easier to sit with heinous people and provide them with ‘counselling’ – if you make the person seem more human and nicer than they actually are.

Such therapists also have a tendency to victim blame, victim shame and shame shift. This again – is so the therapist can find it easier to deal with the abuser.

These issues are never in the interests of the victim/survivor of abuse.

Therapists with “God Complexes’ traumatise their clients

Glad to have had this issue validated by a psychologist, who explained the varying reasons why some therapists have very unhealthy attitudes.

One reason – is the ‘Therapist God Complex’.

It is very interesting.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-God-Complex-in-Therapy-Counselling&id=3518317

“The fact that you’ve managed to make so much progress, despite an inadequate therapist, says a lot about your strength and your determination to heal. Respect!”

A comment made on Facebook to me…..

“Hope you find a better therapist. The fact that you’ve managed to make so much progress, despite an inadequate therapist, says a lot about your strength and your determination to heal. Respect!”

I wrote on my Facebook page about the latest issues in counselling, that are the last straw. I know when being with a counsellor for 5 years, and she is still victim blaming/shaming, I needed to end it.

My first counsellor (who I was with for a year) – told me I was doing most of my own counselling. And she was right. Over the last 5 years, I have done most of my own counselling.

Throughout my entire time with my last counsellor – issues repeatedly came up regarding her lack of insight about abuse and abusers and the inappropriate things she has said. Some of which she did apologise for. Some she denied.

This last one, was more than I could handle. It was the final straw.

I realise my capacity for self care, is far stronger now. I should have walked away from counselling when issues came up a few years ago. But, I didn’t because 1) I am used to tolerating harmful people & 2) I had transference issues, of having feelings for her like

I think it’s time for me to end counselling ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I realise there comes a point when counselling needs to end. And I do believe I have come to the end of needing this counselling. For many reasons. Good and not good – which I don’t feel the need to explain, or defend.

My counsellor is away now for 3 weeks. So, this will give me time to adjust to not having or needing therapy.

It will be hard, ending a therapy relationship of nearly 5 years. But, I am aware it would need to happen at some point. And there is a part of me, that needs that to be my choice/decision.

I’ve had so many choices taken away from me all through my life, that I need to make important choices for myself. And I realise I am also wanting to avoid any feeling of abandonment, or rejection, which I know will always be there under the surface, even though I can manage this better.

I have things now in place – like my photography course, to take my mind of any sadness, or grieving I will feel. Often when something is happening in my life, the first person I think of to tell, is my counsellor. And I need to end that now.

I need to rely on and trust only me. And everyone else be a part of my life, out of choice, but not because I depend on them. I want my complete independence back, where I need to rely on no-one.

Complex PTSD, Real Human Emotions And Trust ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

It is so important for many complex trauma survivors to see normal and appropriate human reactions – to the horror and abuse they have endured.

My therapist had tears today as we discussed my childhood and my highly abusive mother. My therapist had a good mother and yet was upset knowing how much I missed out, in having a sociopathic/narcissistic mother. So much so, that she had tears.

We’ve had conversations in the past where I have stated when people (including her) don’t have normal reactions to heinous abuse and abusers…. it flags as dangerous to me. It makes me shut down and prevents any trust in that person.

So, it was very validating and helpful in my increasing trust in my therapist, to see this normal human reaction of compassion for all I endured and all the pain, loss and grief I endure.

Building trust with people, when you have suffered so much trauma and betrayal – can take a long time.

I’ve been in therapy now nearly 5 years, and it’s been a rocky time. But, I am in a place, where I am feeling ‘safe enough’ and have enough trust to talk about the worst things, the shame I feel and the pain.

Real, normal human emotions to what we have endured… matters.

And feeling ‘safe enough’ is vital for many of us.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Red Flag Alert!! ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Continuing on my ‘Red Flag Alert’ posters.