Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I see how talking about abusers with mental health professionals, can be harmful. And why ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists etc, all have to deal with any clients and any behaviours, in a respectful and what is considered ‘non judgmental’ way. And need to remove their emotions, to deal with worst of behaviours.

I see this can lead to a continual emotional disconnect from the reality of the harm highly abusive people cause to their victims. They choose to see the abuser/perpetrator, in a non emotional way, and that can transfer to how they speak about them, with the victims. Which is really insensitive and lacking in empathy for the victim of the abuse.

I’ve seen this happen in my own counselling. And I’ve raised it and pointed out the lack of empathy.

I watched a psychologist on a TV program about sex the other day and what is considered normal. One person being interviewed was a paedophile. And what he considers as absolutely appropriate sexual contact with a child as young as 7. (It made me nauseous listening to him). The psychologist spoke of her struggling to deal with him and his obvious deeply sick mind, and how that struggle was because she was out of her clinical environment. Inside a clinical environment – she could remove her emotions and deal with paedophiles in a manner considered appropriate. Outside of that, she struggled to contain her disgust. I could see it on her face. So inside her clinical environment, she wasn’t in fact acting like a normal human being would.

It made me realise, mental health professionals in their clinical environment, can remove emotions and deal with vile, disgusting people, in certain ways. Which is appropriate for that client. And they choose to see that as empathy for the abusive client.

But, this becomes a big issue for the victims, when this lack of emotion, and seeing vile, disgusting people, who have caused such profound and intentional harm, spoken of in a ‘clinical’ way, is also displayed to the victims. (Or they harp on about compassion for abusive people, which is even worse). Continue reading


It is very worrying how many counsellors treat well out of their capacity/insight/knowledge/experience.

This was a post today, and I have received so many like this, about the failure of counsellors/therapists, to adequately treat trauma survivors.

“Lilly, I am so glad I found you and your site.

I have been working with my issues for many years. I’ve done very well so far, but none of the counsellors I’ve seen have ever told me about complex PTSD. In fact, I don’t think any of them even tried to do anything to help me manage my PTSD.

Just one article on your page has made an incredible difference.

I am aware of much of my self-talk, but was not aware of the level that comes from early childhood abuse. Since I read that article, I have been catching an incredible amount and responding back to it! I don’t feel any differences yet, but stopping the previously hidden perfectionist/fear chatter has to be a good thing.”

In my opinion, there are far too many counsellors/therapists working outside of their experience/knowledge/insight capacity, to effectively treat trauma survivors.

I liken this to thinking you can receive cancer treatment from your family doctor. Of course this is not going to be adequate. Mental health, is no different. It needs specialised treatment and care.

I am blessed to have a counsellor who does understand and have insight into trauma, but for someone to not even understand the ‘inner self talk’ issues trauma survivors can have, or even know about Complex PTSD…..is very worrying. Continue reading

All psychologists/therapists/counsellors treating Complex PTSD…need to read this.


This is important within the therapeutic relationship, with someone suffering Complex PTSD.

This is what builds trust.

This is what helps the inner child, to trust.

Without trust, without validation, without knowing the therapist understands the pain caused and expresses & models emotions about the abuse, about the abusers (including anger)…….which is what the sufferer has not received……the sufferer won’t engage.

These unmet needs, need to be met within the counselling/therapeutic relationship.

1 Comment

Empathy impoverished therapy. What Complex Trauma survivors ‘need’ within Christian therapy.

This is work by Pete Walker, someone very insightful into complex trauma and the needs of the client. He is a complex trauma survivor himself, and it is my opinion, that only another survivor truly understands and knows, what another survivor feels and needs.

Click to access relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf

A child with parents, who are unable or unwilling to provide safe enough attachment, has no one to whom she can bring her whole developing self. No one is there for reflection, validation and guidance. No one is safe enough to go to for comfort or help in times of trouble. There is no one to cry to, to protest unfairness to, to seek commiseration from for hurts, mistakes, accidents, and betrayals. No one is safe enough to shine with, to do “show and tell” with, to be reflected as a subject of pride…to even practice the all-important intimacy-building skills of conversation.

In the paraphrased words of more than one of my clients: “Talking to Mom was like giving ammunition to the enemy. Anything I said could and would be used against me. People always tell me that I don’t seem to have much to say for myself.”

Those with Complex PTSD-spawned attachment disorders never learn the communication skills that engender closeness and a sense of belonging. When it comes to relating, they are typically plagued by debilitating social anxiety, and social phobia when they are at the severe end of the continuum of PTSD. Many of the clients who come through my door have never had a safe enough relationship.

Repetition compulsion has compelled them to unconsciously seek out relationships in adulthood that traumatically re-enact the abusive and/or abandoning dynamics of their childhood caretakers. For many such clients, we are their first legitimate shot at a safe and nurturing relationship; and if we are not skilled enough to create the degree of safety they need to begin the long journey towards developing good enough trust, we may be their last. Continue reading

Went to counselling yesterday, and it went much better than I expected.

Upon the insistence of my husband, I went to see my doctor/counsellor yesterday.

I was very defensive to start with – I am not good with conflict of any kind. I always assume people are annoyed/angry with me for telling them I am hurt, feel unsafe, not happy about stuff etc. My past coping strategy for this has been complete avoidance, or people please.

So, it was hard. And I struggled. But, I did it. Once I could actually start talking, and the words weren’t stuck in my throat, it kinda flowed out and I did manage to say most of the stuff that has been building and bothering me.

How I need to be allowed to express all my needed emotions about people who have intentionally harmed me. How I cannot handle anything that seems to be about abuse minimizing and abuser enabling, or making excuses for abusive people. Why I label people. Why I need to view ‘bad’ people as what they are ‘bad’ people.

How there is a big difference between people who intentionally…..and non intentionally harm people. How there is a big difference between people who plan to harm people, lie, deny and then do all the usual minimizing, projecting etc…..and people who are remorseful and ‘own’ what they have done.

How I do not have to have nice feelings about ‘bad’ people. I do not have to feel sorry for them. I do not have to like them. But, how I have never had revengeful, harmful thoughts about abusive people – I just want appropriate actions taken, so they are told what they are doing for their own good, so they don’t hurt anyone else. And how having empathy for future victims – seems rare. Continue reading


I can’t return to counselling and I don’t want to talk to anyone new either.

I don’t want to  do either.

There is no point. I can’t handle people’s assumptions, people minimizing what I have endured, people ‘telling’ me the way I think is wrong/bad. People trying to turn me into someone ‘not abused’ severely for decades.

I need someone highly trained and insightful into Complex PTSD.

At the hospital yesterday, I noted that I told them I had Complex PTSD, and they kept referring it to PTSD.

I don’t have only PTSD. I have many symptoms that fall outside of the PTSD diagnosis. If they don’t believe Complex PTSD exists, then I am not bothering to talk to them.

I don’t have it in me, to go through all this again, with someone new. Two years of talking in counselling, and I still wasn’t understood. How ‘shaming’ me about the way I view and describe abusers, cuts me like a knife. How I’ve been shamed all my life and I cannot handle anymore.

If I want to say one of my abusers is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a paedophile, or evil – I will say it. And I definitely cannot handle the minimization and invalidation that occurs from that.

I do not have to think of abusers in any nice terms, at all and I won’t. I don’t hate them, I wish their mental health wasn’t the way it is, but I do not have to feel sorry for them, or be in denial of as the deliberate actions they chose to hurt me, repeatedly.

If people wish to view them differently, well that’s their choice and yes I see it makes the whole issues of abuse more palatable, but I don’t live in denial. I am sick of other people’s agenda’s affecting me. Continue reading


Counsellors need to be ‘enlightened witness’ for the client and not pushing any other agenda.

As long as this child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen, and sensitivity to the humiliations of childhood will therefore be dulled.

All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing.

This fact has special implications for trained psychologists, because without empathy they cannot apply their professional knowledge in a beneficial way, regardless of how much time they devote to their patients.

~ Alice Miller

I believe a counsellor needs to be an enlightened witness.

  • An empathic person, the client can feel safe enough to ‘trust’, who’s sole purpose is to be there for the ‘clients needs’.
  • To help the client understand the evilness of what occurred to them and know the blame and shame of this lies 100% with the abuser, who made choices to harm.
  • To unravel ‘all’ of their hurt within, to help them feel all their needed emotions from all the wounds inflicted upon the child within.
  • To assist the client to stop suppressing and internalising the abuse(r), and start getting all these painful emotions, of betrayal, fear, loneliness, neglect, anger, grieving, despair, abandonment, distrust, depression etc…out.
  • To help the client know all their unmet needs, still affecting their life.

Without this enlightened witness, I don’t believe the survivor, will heal to the same depth.

I am aware, it takes connection to another human being, to heal these core inner wounds.

The reason, I believe another human being is needed….is because it was human beings who caused these wounds.

I don’t have this. I don’t have a human being, who is an enlightened being – to the depth I need. Continue reading

Facing more grieving. Don’t know if I can handle any more.

To make a decision about stopping counselling, is a massive one for me.

I have an attachment to my doctor, that regardless of whether it is healthy or not, I know it’s there. I am aware it is normal for this to occur for abuse survivors, and I am aware it is not reciprocated and that my doctor sees me as a client and that’s as it should be.

But, as someone who rarely bonds/attaches to anyone, losing this relationship, is extremely painful. I have massive anxiety now just typing this and I know this is all adding to more depression. It’s the abandonment depression that complex trauma survivor have, that includes fear, feeling vulnerable and fragile and unsafe.

But, I can’t handle anymore religious stuff that I know hurts me more. I can’t handle anymore of how I think is not okay. I can’t handle anymore hearing how I have to minimize what the people are, that have abused me. I can’t handle anymore invalidation of what I endured. I can’t handle feeling let down and whether people think this is appropriate or not, I really don’t care, it is how I feel. And I definitely can’t handle this from someone, who I have transference issues with. It’s like my mother abusing me all over again.

I just want to get away from everything that has intentionally or unintentionally contributed to all the abuse and pain I have endured over the last 2 years. Continue reading


Done with Christianity as an organised religion & done with Christian counselling.

So much has happened over the last 2 years related to so called ‘Christians’ that I know has profoundly affected my healing, caused me more abuse and trauma, and I know I need to just separate myself, from it all.

I have seen so many people who claim to be mature Christians, fail so badly and I find it quite bizarre that they all can’t see it.

I’ve seen lies, excuses, corruption, justifications, minimizing, spiritual abuse in the masses, child abuse and well so much more, but I’ve already blogged enough.

I think so many really are mind controlled, into this concept that it is needed to minimize abuse and protect abuse perpetrators. All with their wrong interpretations of grace, compassion etc.

All this has shown me, is how much these people hurt abuse survivors, abuse them further, spiritually abuse them and re-traumatise them and re-victimise them.

And worse, they truly don’t care. They all stick together.

They truly are the perfect examples of narcissist/sociopaths or their apaths. Continue reading