Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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You betcha, I will challenge anything that does not ‘sit well with my soul’.

A post to my community page @ https://www.facebook.com/HealingFromComplexTraumaAndPTSDAndCPTSD

I think being someone who has been abused so much, since birth, by all the important people in my life, and by so many…. I developed a deep need and deep capacity to think about everything and when something doesn’t ‘feel’ right, to not just assume it’s okay. No doubt PTSD increases this too. But, it has given me the capacity to consider so much very deeply.

I challenge much of what I see, read that does not seem okay. I am aware people have different opinions, and that is okay, but if it doesn’t ‘sit right with my soul’ – then I will process this and challenge it. And I have told to keep doing this.

I challenge my own doctor/counsellor and I am blessed to know, she lets me do this, because it is part of my healing. I told her some time back that I challenge everything and she replied ‘Good! – go (Lilly)’.

And I think it is healthy to share what I process from the perspective of a survivor of much abuse, who also has intelligence, life wisdom, deep processing capacity and empathy. Continue reading


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Invalidation, enforcing feeling ‘sorry for the abuser’ – leads to more shame, more trauma.

I see this all the time, in the media, on social media, within society, within Church people, even in my own Christian counselling.

This happens all the time, everywhere.

People/society/Christianity – all programmed to ‘not think the worst’ about an abuser, ‘look for the good’, assume the victim is lying/exaggerating and minimize what you haven’t personally endured.

I’ve been ‘invalidated’ (not intentionally) in counselling, because it is Christian based, and they can be the worst for avoiding the worst possible reality about someone’ bad’.

When the victim, is being very honest, as most are, all this does is completely invalidate what that victim has endured and re-traumatises that victim over and over.

How is a victim of severe abuse, prolonged abuse meant to process everything deeply and fully, when the focus is to be concerned about how the ‘abuser’ feels, and by others assuming the abuser ‘didn’t know they were causing so much harm, didn’t mean it’ etc ???

I’ve had my ‘needed’ and ‘deserved’ emotions of anger towards the horrific abuse I have endured – completely invalidated by comments like ‘oh they were probably abused too’ and ‘the abusers are in such pain too’.

I have an ongoing huge difference of opinion with my doctor, who I do respect – who makes it very clear she does not believe in ‘labelling’ as this is ‘not okay for the abuser’. ‘Abuser’ – that’s a label I am apparently not meant to say. ‘Narcissist’ is another one, when in fact someone highly narcissistic, will act in every way out of a place of selfishness and ego – so every action, every thought, will be narcissistic. And abusers, rarely stop, and often abuse again, until they are stopped. So – that is what they are. People who are abusers. People who are narcissists. People who are sociopaths. People who are paedophiles.

The reason given to me for this shame inducing ‘we must not label’, which bothered me greatly at the time it was said, and still does, was ‘these labels can destroy people’. I’ve also had it said to me that these abusers are ‘in so much pain themselves to do what they do’.

Wow!

Did these ‘people’ care that they were destroying their victims lives? Of course not, in 99% of cases. None of my abusers cared – because they have no empathy, no remorse, no conscience. And they had a choice. Continue reading


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Will be seeing another counsellor.

My doctor/counsellor is away but has suggested I see another doctor/counsellor due to my current state of mind. I know this is needed and I am blessed to have people that I can see, who will try to help. But, I feel pretty numb.

I don’t really know how someone who doesn’t know my past, doesn’t know me, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, is going to help. It’s hard enough for me to talk to a counsellor I’ve known for 2 years, let alone someone I’ve never met.

My husband says I have to go.

I don’t want to.

But I also know when I least want to talk to anyone, is the time I need to the most.


I’m starting to wonder if I need to move away from ‘Christian’ counselling…

The last few years have revealed so much to me about how screwed up most Christians are about abuse and how to deal with it, and I see this is more of a problem than outside of Christianity.

So much abuse minimizing, abuse condoning, so much ignoring abuse, so much abuser protecting. And it bothers me greatly.

And a certain situation recently has 100% proven to me the effects of messed up Christian views and how this leads to evil occurring and continuing.

And to be very frank – I am really pissed off and angry about all this. And it really hurts me and feel like I am being re-traumatised repeatedly.

Even the blasé attitude of those who are meant to be supporting me, hurts me.

So, the question lingering in my mind, is why I am continuing to endure this?


Why this is the perfect quote for me…I must be a mermaid..

This is the perfect quote for me. I am completely unafraid to delve into my own depths of my own soul, and have done, all the good, bad and ugly. I see very clearly the good, bad and ugly in society.

I don’t ‘do’ shallow, in anything in life. I do most things to a really deep level, thinking, processing, honesty, love, fear, emotions, wisdom…etc.

But, there a few things I don’t do, trust, believe in humanity being good. I have seen too much, endured too much, know human behaviour too well, to ever trust, or be fooled into believing humanity is good.

I try to build trust in people. And then usually something happens, a person’s human behaviour becomes revealed, and it scares the shit out of me, and I retreat.

I usually know when someone is avoiding something. I know my doctor is avoiding speaking to me about something really important to me, so I am guessing it is bad news and something that I will feel bad about. I’ve picked up on things, put them together, including what subject I brought up, that quickly led to our session being ended, with the reason given that ‘other people were waiting’. There was no-one waiting in the reception area.

I hate it when people treat me like I am stupid. I’m not. Continue reading


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First time I have felt ‘safe’ to actually talk in counselling.

Today’s counselling was different to normal.

I actually felt able to speak about the ‘worst stuff’ without dissociating and I was able to control my emotions.

That is huge for me.

Lots of reasons, mostly about my counsellor/doctor showing me what I needed to see/hear to be able to have the level of trust needed.

I’m still processing this, as I always process everything deeply, and it takes time.

Lots of validating, honest, open dialogue spoken both ways.

Things that surprised me, which showed a side of her that I didn’t know about.

It felt ‘safe’ to talk.

That is huge.

To feel safe to be vulnerable, well that is new territory for me.


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I refuse to believe 100% of people, will look out for themselves, when the shit hits the fan.

I was shocked at counselling last week, when discussing how so many people always default to looking after their own interests, particularly when the shit hits the fan, and my doctor state 100% of people will do this.

100% !

I refuse to believe this. I want to believe that there are some people in this world, who will do the right thing, under huge pressure, that may cause them considerable grief.

I want to believe there are some people with integrity. Real integrity.

What a turn around this is.

Me…being the one who wants to ‘believe’ in people. And my doctor putting all people into the same category of lack of integrity when the situation is dire.

The suspicious part of me, wonders if she said this deliberately to get me to say I do ‘believe’ in people? Due to my trust issues…Hmmmm…

But there is another part of me, thinks…is she saying that because she doesn’t have a deep level of integrity herself? That is not good for me to have to think of. That does not help my trust issues with her… Continue reading


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Opened up a bit more in counselling, so that’s progress.

Had counselling today and opened up a little more than I am normally capable of. It was okay, obviously not pleasant stuff to talk about, but I coped and didn’t end up either an emotional mess, or dissociated.

Discussed my strong beliefs and integrity to God, and about child abuse and how I will not condone or enable it. Good to think about the best way to deal with that.

Talked about my trust issues and that Jesus knew that when the shit hit the fan – all his disciples would betray him and were out to look after themselves and that I know this is the reality of most people in life. People are inherently selfish beings and that is something I am continually aware of.

I know my integrity to my values about these really important issues, is stronger than my need to people please, because I know voices are needed and I can be one. Good to discuss the best way to move forward in this, as I do have deep discernment and deep capacity to see beyond what I want to see, or want to hear, to make my life easy and comfortable. I am willing to receive hassle, and not shy away from that as an excuse to not voice the truth.

Big headache now because it was hard to talk, and a lot to think about.

But, very worthwhile and needed.


Going to counselling tomorrow.

My doctor, who has been doing my counselling, contacted me yesterday. She respected my decision to stop counselling but I know she feels that is the wrong decision and offered to be available should I change my mind.

I explained what my husband has said, and she agreed with him. I was pretty upfront in my emails to her about where I am at, and it isn’t good.

She offered that I can see her tomorrow, which is very kind of her, as I know how busy she is. I know it’s the right thing to do.

Sometimes, we have to realise, we do need help, and maybe we aren’t making the best decisions for ourselves. which scares the crap out of me.

Having been someone all my adult life, who has needed to be in control of everything I have ever done since the age of 20, and fiercely protected my independence and not been willing to let people ‘know what’s best for me’ – due to so much abuse, this is hard for me.

Giving other people, any say/control of ‘what is best for me’ – freaks me out. Which I know is irrational, now in this current situation. But, I also see it is needed, even though I have anxiety, just writing this.

It makes me ‘vulnerable’ to other people – and that is a very fear inducing issue to me.

But, that’s okay I guess. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a church minister, who I thought I knew and could trust, and that vulnerability was abused and my trust in him trashed. Which made my fear of trust and being vulnerable, so much worse. He used my deep need for non sexual intimacy and trust and used it for his own needs. And that was recent trauma. And it’s interesting how I saw him two days ago, in the midst of this occurring, which is weirdly appropriate for what I am now facing. Trust. Non sexual intimacy with people. Relying on others.

I wrote about this ‘vulnerability’ and how I ‘don’t do’ trust/intimacy in relationships of any kind and my absolute complete fear of that now, is something I will struggle with.

But, as the saying goes…if you are going through hell…keep going.