Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Severe PTSD long term, reduces lifespan.

I’ve read that long term PTSD shortens lifespan. I’ve read this before and just ignored it, as this is too hard to deal with.

I’ve had PTSD since childhood and had chronic fear, anxiety, stress, pain, depression etc since childhood and I am aware this is a massive amount of stress on my body.

Let alone the effect this all has on mental health, and my PTSD has become worse and worse.

I read about a man, who’s mother died when he was a teenager, due to her having medical problems induced by PTSD. I immediately thought about my children, and how I don’t want this to happen to them. I don’t want them to lose their mother in their teens, or even in their 20’s. I don’t want to not see my grandchildren.

I’m aware my PTSD is severe. It is life threatening at times. My nightmares are regular. The intrusive thoughts are every day. My anxiety is bad, I get hives often. My hyper vigilance is out of control. My energy levels are really low and sometimes I have said, I feel like an old woman, physically. I do often. And the amount my body has been through, it is like an old woman. My body has been through so much. Continue reading


Invalidation, minimization, not being ‘allowed’ my emotions. Still huge triggers.

I’ve had this all my life and they are massive triggers for me. Had this now for 43 years.

It’s why I stay away from everyone, because most of society does it.

I got really angry an hour ago, because I hate the bullshit that is perpetuated in society that makes lives for survivors of severe abuse, harder.

My anger was invalidated by someone here on my own blog – because apparently it’s not okay to vent and be angry. Why is it so hard for people to just be supportive? Why do they feel entitled – on the internet – to give their opinion of what you are doing wrong, or worse say what they would prefer to see.

People’s lack of empathy astounds me.

So, of course, I have now shut down, back into dissociation mode, because my emotions become too painful, get invalidated even more and then I can’t cope, and shut down.

I truly look forward to death, being out of here and not have to deal with any of it, anymore.

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Child abuse and depression, can become life threatening & kill people.


I deeply relate to some of Charlotte Dawsons’s life.

Abandonment. Child abuse. Bad relationship with step father.

Seeking love, seeking what she didn’t receive in childhood.

A magnet for narcissistic men.

Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempts.

Feeling alone. I know that terminal aloneness she felt and the fear that comes with it. The total loss of hope.

I’ve been there.

Her life ended due to far more than cyber bullying.


Poem – Real Daily Suffering of Forgotten People

A poem in response to some research on the desperate poverty and ill health, homelessness women and children, of Nepal and many other countries, living in such desperate circumstances.

I can only imagine the mental health and physical health issues, they will be dealing with daily.

BillyScanlan photography

Ragged abused street children
Poor abused women, ignored
By all the rich tourists
Spending their money
On their pleasures
Closing eyes, hearts
To deep pain in the faces
Of so many

Some good hearts
Volunteer, help
These desperate people

Devastating poverty
Suffering etched
Into their beautiful faces

Not how
Any human, any child
Should live in 2014

Rich people worldwide
Ignoring this
Living in luxury
They need more
Entitlement rich
Empathy, compassion poor Continue reading


Suicide is very real, should not be ignored, or dismissed as weakness, or selfishness.


It is very upsetting, to see how much of the general public’s reaction, to the recent suicide of Charlotte Dawson, has been so negative, re-traumatizing, shame inducing, lacking any empathy, condemning, deeply hurtful and completely wrong.

All based upon lack of education, biased opinions, lack of empathy and so many people believe they are entitled to have an opinion, about something they haven’t experienced.

Just what I have seen on the news alone on the internet, is bad enough. I am glad I am not on social media, because I would be deeply upset to see more of these horrible reactions, particularly if it was anyone I knew.

I was thankful, to see this, which highlights, how a strong, mature, intelligent woman, can become suicidal, due to PTSD from childhood abuse. Tracie O’Keefe is very brave to speak up publicly about her own battles with suicide, and I thank her for that. As well as all her work as a therapist, to help people down off that ledge.


Having done so much research, been suicidal myself many times, I am very aware of how it feels to get to the point, where life becomes too painful, to endure. Continue reading


Domestic violence, is everyone’s business. Glad to see people speak up.


More people need to speak up about domestic violence, as it can happen to anyone and happens at alarming rates.

And where children are involved, this is also child abuse.

It can and all too often leads to death.

One Australian women dies per week at the hands of a current or former partner.

The affects of domestic violence can last a lifetime and it is increasing.

Australian actress Rachael Taylor, has spoken out.


Using Charlotte Dawson’s abortion ‘only’, by Fred Nile for his own agenda, is digusting.

I have seen Fred Nile’s Facebook page and his comments about Charlotte Dawson – that are ONLY about the abortion.


Typical of a weak, abusive Christian, who wants to zone in on a person’s sad death, for his anti-abortion campaigning.

Did Fred Nile say anything about the child abuse she endured – NO.

Did Fred Nile say anything about the abandonment by her mother – NO.

Did Fred Nile say anything about the bad relationship that she had with her step father – NO.

Did fred Nile say anything about the deep affect this will have had on Charlotte Dawson – No

This will have all been the reasons, for who she was, and why she made choices she did later on.

But, Christians, don’t like to talk about how abuse, can hurt and damage people in a life long way. Too much abuse being condoned within Christianity. They just focus on the sins they feel safe to talk about and bully others about.

What a weak, disgusting, abusive man Fred Nile is, to ONLY use the abortion in his post, for his own agenda. Continue reading

More Info Comes Out About Charlotte Dawson And I Deeply Relate.

It has been revealed that she was sexually abused as a child by an elderly neighbour, had been abandoned and adopted when very young, had a very ‘difficult’ relationship with her step father and had an attraction to narcissistic men.

So was a survivor of many kinds of abuse, sociopathic, narcissistic abuse, abandonment, neglect, sexual abuse. This is so unbelievably close to home for me. So much is so similar to my childhood.


I ‘knew’ there would be more, about her childhood.

I ‘knew’ there would be more to her, that I relate to, because I understand who she was.

I understand her being outspoken, opinionated, and feeling so much pain for others, and herself due to people’s cruelty.

I understand her passion for honesty and being upfront and open about all she was. Continue reading

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Poem, ‘Longing For The Final Peace’

She longs for solitude
To be free
Of a life
She cannot bear
Any longer

She sits alone
In her home
The fear of darkness
Keeps her confined

Deep understanding
Of evil and sin
All around her
She’s suffocating
Can’t breathe

She gets lost
In her dreaming
Of solitude
To keep her
Sane, alive, breathing

No-one can be trusted
Always the ones
She trusts the most
Who hurt her
The deepest Continue reading


I would like to be done with life now.

In all true honesty, I know I am done.

If it weren’t for being a mother, I think I would have given up on life.

I’ve lived many lifetimes of hurt and pain in one lifetime. I’m done with hurt.

I may only be 42, but I feel like I’m 92, and ready to just hopefully peacefully die in my sleep.

I feel like an old woman.

And if I could, I would be wishing for a peaceful ending to a hard life.