People with no conscience, no empathy, no remorse…never ‘genuinely’ admit the harm they cause.

This has definitely been a part of my journey.

I absolutely know narcissists will never admit or face up to the harm they have caused. They can pretend, if they have to and can fool many in doing this, and it would only be for their own reasons/needs. Not for the victim. It is never genuine remorse.

I know and have seen this in play, all too often. Manipulation – and other people falling for it.

A classic non genuine narc apology “I’m sorry you got hurt”. Not….”I’m sorry I hurt you.” And during the 20 minutes prior to this apology, the issue to these narcs, was ‘only’ about their image and their distress at how ‘other people would know’, I was called ‘demonic’, and everything denied, minimized, excused, and narc rage shown. No concern for me, at all. All of which has been witnessed by others, who agreed, this is narcissistic behaviour.

I didn’t need to be told what this was, I already knew myself, as the words spewed from the wolf’s mouth, it was a fake, non genuine apology, from a weak narcissist, who projects all his own issues as a man, onto others. And my previous counsellor agreed. She knew my capacity, to pick up on lies, narcissism, non genuine hearts and the words that come out of their mouths, and the reasons why.

This is just one example of many I have seen in my life, where apologies are not real, not genuine and are self serving, with no remorse, no conscience, no empathy for those harmed.

And I see so clearly all those around who fall for it. Or rather – want to accept the narc is genuinely apologising – to make life easier. Again, no empathy for the victim. They are apaths, colluding and going along with the narc, for their own reasons too.

NEVER trust an unrepentant narcissist,

or sociopath, psychopath,

paedophile.

You are a FOOL, if you do,

an APATH if you don’t care,

or apply cheap grace.

And you are ABUSING the victim further,

even if unintentionally.

Those suppressing/avoiding their own trauma, should not be preaching this is needed for all.

I understand fully why people suppress their trauma. I did this for 20 years. It was too unsafe, I was too alone to deal with it.

So I did what society tells people to do – got over it, moved on, never looked back. Or at least tried my absolute best. Even my own husband did not know the details of my trauma for 10 years. Proof that I did not talk about it. I lived a highly functioning, capable life. I was suppressing all my trauma.

This for me, was the worst thing to do, but it was all I was capable of at that time, and that’s okay.

I realise for many, this is what they will do all their lives. And that’s okay too. Some can’t delve into their own trauma, their own minds and souls. And for some – to do that would kill them. It has nearly killed me, doing this.

So, I have complete compassion for anyone else doing this. It does feel a far safer place to be – suppressing and avoiding it all. Focussing on the good. Finding the positives, counting your blessings and just striving for as good a life as is possible.

I really do 100% understand this and if that is what someone needs to do all their life, I understand and I will not judge.

What I don’t like – is when people doing this – telling everyone else this is what they ‘should’ be doing. Judging others.

And I definitely don’t like it when some of these people then accuse others of ‘dwelling in their trauma’. or ‘acting the victim’, or suggesting the time span of this person being in a painful processing/grieving stage – is too long.

Some people suggest trauma survivors are ‘choosing’ to dwell.

Consider why an abuse survivor, is criticising another, for the way they are healing ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

~~~ Don’t criticise someone’s else’s journey being different ~~~

There are different ways people handle their trauma and healing.

1. Moving on from processing.

I think there comes a point in healing, where it does become about finding more things in life to be positive about and focus on. I believe this is after all the processing of the trauma, and grieving.  I think some are at this stage and this is wonderful. It can take many years, decades even, to get to this point. But, this is the goal of healing.

2. Still processing and grieving the trauma.

I think many are at this stage and that ‘is’ okay and no-one should feel bad about that, at all. It is a process and it takes time and no-one can judge that timeframe.

3. Not dealing with processing/grieving fully, or at all.

I also think some people spend their lives suppressing some or all the pain and trauma and are forcing themselves to focus on only good things and if that is what someone needs to do, that is okay too. But telling others they should also do this, is not okay. Because doing this, is not healing.

I’m not going to judge what anyone else needs to do.

But, what I don’t like, is when people criticise and judge others, who are in a different point in their healing, or what they are doing to heal/cope, or how long it each journey takes.

Sometimes, survivors don’t even realise they are doing No 3, so don’t understand how painful fully processing all the trauma is, or what the grieving feels like. The reason for the suppression, or denial, can be shame, fear, incapacity – many reasons.

Sadly, these will be some of the people who then judge others, accusing others of ‘dwelling’ or ‘acting like victims’….when in all reality – they haven’t dealt with their own trauma. Which is ‘why’ they will judge others. If they had dealt with their own, they ‘wouldn’t’ judge or criticise anyone else.

I have insight into why people put other survivors of abuse down and need to hurt them/be mean etc.

We are all different, and more need to realise this and if there were less judgment about other people’s healing, it would support survivors of abuse far more.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

Easier to deal with self hatred, shame, guilt, blame.

I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.

I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.

The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.

Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.

Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.

It’s harder than feeling self hatred.

I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.

Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument.

Not being believed – still occurring, still trauma, still abuse.

I mentioned this in counselling today. I saw a different counsellor to my usual one, as she is away.

I have had a lifetime, of dealing with people’s non belief about what I say about trauma/abuse. Had this from childhood onwards. It is abuse, deep abuse.

To not be believed, when you have a trauma history like mine, with as much denial, minimizing, scapegoating, lies, non belief, ignoring etc, as I have had….cuts like a knife.

When it’s the same people, like family, I accept they will never change and have moved on.

But, when it’s people in your life who you need to believe you ‘now’, it’s pretty hard and very re-traumatising. And of course they will just say it’s my emotions due to the past. Not able to face that ‘they’ are the ones causing this abuse/trauma now. Even if unintentionally.

I am allowed to be angry and annoyed about this. I don’t need anyone’s permission. They were wrong. They should have believed me. They didn’t. They made a choice not to. Mostly to keep their lives easier, I am under no illusion as to why.

Poem – Staying High, Staying Numb

A poem about my life in my 20’s.

Poem – Staying High

Prolonged
Pain
Suffering
Deeply carved
Into every inch
Of her heart
And soul

The blur
Partying
Fun
Thrills
Alcohol
Men
Wouldn’t
Cure it

No amount
Of suppression
Oppression
Repression
Avoidance
Minimization
Would make
It go
Away

Pain remained
Intensifying
Each moment
Of it ignored
Worsening
The damage
Carving
Deeper
And deeper
Into her soul

Not wanting
To be alone
Fear of alone
One night stands
Can’t go home
Alone again
Need someone
To numb
The pain

The most painful part of my healing journey…

When the denial crumbles – it is painful – to see abusive people for who they really are.

To know I was never loved, because they are not capable of love, was one of the most painful things I have gone through in my healing over the last two years.

To come to terms with this and the severity of all the abuse, has almost been more than I can emotionally cope with. I have wanted to be dead, more times than I want to admit, within the last 2 years. And I am a strong person, but that’s how painful it is.

But, this ‘coming out of denial’, was all needed, no matter how deeply painful and still is, as grieving takes a long time. Although sometimes I wish I was still acquainted with my old friends ‘denial, suppression and avoidance’.

But, I know I am growing and strengthening.

And growing in insight, spiritually and in emotional wisdom.