Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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When You Are Too Depressed To Attend ‘You Should Be Positive’ Therapy

I’ve quit counselling for the next month. I need a break from hearing what I should be doing and thinking.

I’m struggling to get through each day……. with good reason. But, apparently that’s not good enough.

My whole life is never ‘good enough’.

I can’t fake feeling better than I do, or sit there and tell her what she wants to hear. Which I’ve done in the past. But, I’m far too depressed to care anymore.

So, it’s best I just avoid therapy.

i'll be okay

 

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Being Hospitalised To Deal With My Blood Pressure Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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I have been dealing with so much over the last few months and it’s completely overwhelmed me. My depression is severe now.

I broke my hand a few months ago, due to my blood pressure issues. I went to the hospital appointments while it needed x-raying and various casts, splints. But I didn’t follow up with the OT or physiotherapy I need on it.

Iย was also meant to have had a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours. I didn’t go to the appointment. I know that’s needed before any other heart tests can be done.

I just don’t care enough about myself to have the self care I need at the moment. I don’t care if I have heart issues or my hand doesn’t heal. I think part of me just wants to die. And another part of me is scared to find out I have heart issues.

I know I’m severely depressed, and in deep avoidance. I think a part of me has just given up.

That’s how bad things are.

And my doctor/counsellor said I am the most depressed I’ve been for several years.

So my doctor/counsellor has arranged for me to be hospitalised in order to have all the tests done within a few days, for the blood pressure, potential hearts issues. I’ll be in for possibly 4 days, maybe less.

I also need my medication increased for my depression. And this will happen while in hospital too.

I hate hospitals. My anxiety about having to be there for several days, is pretty bad. I don’t want to be away from my children. Continue reading


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Compassion About Suicidal Thoughts – Is Vital ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


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A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts andย friends of this woman,ย are understandably devastated.

Thisย woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor forย the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from allย the many comments on Facebook,ย is how everyone talked about how positive and strong sheย always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she wasย depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ –ย so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy.ย And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’.ย Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebookย wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at theirย worst. They feel shame to admit theyย are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy.ย And when shamedย into believing this makesย you weak…….ย stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. Thisย isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I knowย how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

helping someone with depression

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Am I grieving? Depressed? Or both?

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I am aware there are different forms of grieving I am experiencing, along with different forms of depression.

I don’t think I know the difference between them anymore.

I’m just trying to focus on one day at a time.

And focus on my children.

 

 

 

 


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The Health Benefits of Nature

I am increasingly wanting to spend time connecting and grounding in nature.

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This article by Wellness Mama – highlights some of the health benefits.

http://wellnessmama.com/56086/health-benefits-of-nature/

This article by Beyond Blue – highlights some of the specific mental health benefits. Continue reading