I have been dealing with so much over the last few months and it’s completely overwhelmed me. My depression is severe now.
I broke my hand a few months ago, due to my blood pressure issues. I went to the hospital appointments while it needed x-raying and various casts, splints. But I didn’t follow up with the OT or physiotherapy I need on it.
I was also meant to have had a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours. I didn’t go to the appointment. I know that’s needed before any other heart tests can be done.
I just don’t care enough about myself to have the self care I need at the moment. I don’t care if I have heart issues or my hand doesn’t heal. I think part of me just wants to die. And another part of me is scared to find out I have heart issues.
I know I’m severely depressed, and in deep avoidance. I think a part of me has just given up.
That’s how bad things are.
And my doctor/counsellor said I am the most depressed I’ve been for several years.
So my doctor/counsellor has arranged for me to be hospitalised in order to have all the tests done within a few days, for the blood pressure, potential hearts issues. I’ll be in for possibly 4 days, maybe less.
I also need my medication increased for my depression. And this will happen while in hospital too.
I hate hospitals. My anxiety about having to be there for several days, is pretty bad. I don’t want to be away from my children. Continue reading →
Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.
This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.
What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.
It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.
The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.
People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.
Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.
So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.
To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.
I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.
I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.
And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.
I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.
I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.
I feel really down. Struggling to find or do anything that lifts my mood for more than a short temporary period.
I’m not suicidal thoughts low….just low, zoning out a bit. Feeling really alone. Tired. Sad. Lethargic. Depressed.
I was going to go along tomorrow, to the Beyond Blue bus that is travelling around, but I can tell if still feel like I do now, I won’t go. I support Beyond Blue on my website and I was considering talking to them about my work. But, I don’t think I’ll end up going – I’m not up to talking to people. If I had someone to go with it would be easier, but I don’t.
I’ve had NAMI, one of the world’s largest mental health organisation liking posts of mine recently, which was a big surprise. Continue reading →
I am so sick of this. Any hope or positive stuff, never lasts more than a day or two. It’s always followed by depression. I wish I could be someone who just sleeps all day, to get away from the depression.
I never used be like this through my 20’s and 30’s. I was always high energy, doing so much, living life on full speed and now I just can’t.
My energy levels are getting lower and lower. The depression just cycles around continually.
Had to go to the public hospital that has an acute services department for mental health, today. Never been before. Didn’t believe I would ever need to either. But, I was wrong.
They were nice. Had to wait ages, as in any public hospital for emergencies.
The mental health nurse was pleasant. Had to talk about what has happened over the last few months, to make my emotional state lower. Told her I nearly ended my life several weeks back, and now I don’t feel safe to be alone. Told her I had a big row with my husband and I can’t handle people lying to me and these things push me over the edge.
I feel like I’m just treading water and it take very little for me to start going under.
Explained I have had to process horrific things about my past and my parents and the abuse I endured and I know I haven’t dealt with the pain of all that yet. I haven’t dealt with how I feel about my mother being complicit in it. Continue reading →
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
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