Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Dissociation – One Of The Key Symptoms Of Complex PTSD ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

dissociation is

Complex trauma – is ongoing interpersonal trauma within a captivity situation, where the victim perceives there to be no viable escape. Examples are ongoing child abuse, sexual exploitation into pornography/prostitution, severe domestic violence.

Dissociation is a severe

but normal reaction,

to severe and abnormal

life experiences.

When a person is experiencing ongoing severe abuse, the brain can develop various forms of dissociation, to cope with these abnormal life experiences. It is a very adaptable form of coping, and one that many survivors are thankful to have developed, to cope.

Dissociation is on a continuum, which can range from ‘zoning out’, frequent daydreaming, through to disorders that impact the survivor on a daily basis, such as Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Dissociation continues even after the survivor no longer is experiencing the severe trauma. When life impacting – it is advisable to seek experienced trauma therapy, with someone adequately trained to help survivors with Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders. Continue reading


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When You Realise Your Husband Completely De-humanised You – For 16 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sadness-2

I sadly have endured toxic, narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic people – my entire life. And that is not an exaggeration. The toxic abuse began as a child and continues on, including my current life. I have been abused by many toxic, character disturbed people.

My counsellor described recently, how processing the truth about my marriage is the last piece of my trauma history to deal with. And I see how I have systematically processed all the trauma throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my adolescence, my adult life.

I have been with my husband, for the last 16 years. And I did not know who my husband was, for the first 5 years, due to his narcissistic need to have a mask, pretend to be far better a person than he actually was, and all his daily pathological lying. It was only as other people started letting me know about his vile behaviours, I started to realise all the red flags.

Narcissists and psychopaths have false masks, personas, they wear. And they can actually be so delusional – they believe the lies they make up about themselves. They form delusional beliefs about being good people – when in fact there is nothing to support those beliefs, and plenty they have done to disprove their delusional beliefs, that they conveniently ignore, deny or lie about.  And his whole family are delusional and narcissistic, as per conversations about their behaviours, in counselling. It has been clarified they are a delusional, narcissistic and dysfunctional family. They lie, steal, exploit and they have no conscience or shame about it.

My husband groomed, lied, conned and manipulated me into believing he loved me, cared about me and into his delusion of him being a good person.

Now, upon a lot of painful reflection and processing – it is very clear he never loved, cared about me, and was never a good person. In fact, my counsellor stated he does not know how to love anyone. And she has counselled him too. And she has stated he constructed a fantasy of who he is. Which is basically a delusional state, but not insanity.

I realise – my husband treated me like a non human. He de-humanised me. He did not see me as a person with needs, emotions, a terrible past, or someone who deserved love, or someone to find out what I needed, or what my emotional needs were, or how he could help me deal with my past. None of that entered his mind. Ever.

He simply saw me as an object, to use and abuse. To take from and never give back. To stroke his narcissistic ego – but never return any appreciation or gratitude. To never bother to even consider what my emotional needs may be. And all this was whilst knowing I had been heinously abused in the 30 years prior to him.

He has admitted – he never once thought about what my needs were. He never once considered I had a terrible childhood and terrible first marriage and I may need someone to talk to about it. He never once showed any gratitude or appreciation for anything I did, or even acknowledgement for anything I did. It was all expected.

He has admitted he used and abused me. He has admitted he is a narcissist. He has admitted he has sadistic behaviours. He has admitted he has sex issues. He has admitted he sexually exploited me. He has admitted he manipulated, exploited and conned me from day one of knowing him. He has admitted he has emotionally, psychologically, mentally and sexually abused me.

He also admits he did all this knowing that lying, manipulating, grooming, exploiting a woman so heinously abused already, is sick and disgusting.

And the only reason he has admitted all this, is because there is 16 years worth of evidence of it all. And absolutely no proof to discount any of it. He cannot deny it.

There is no evidence of any love, at all.

And plenty of evidence of abuse.

And he admits I never did anything wrong to him, ever. He admits I am a good wife. A caring person. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, compassionate and good. Someone who has never done anything bad to him, at all.

He also admits he feels no remorse, no shame, no conscience, no guilt. And I see how processing the heinous nature of all he has done, is too much for his weak, narcissistic mind and soul to deal with.

I don’t believe he is willing to try and tap into the shame he does need to feel. Because he made all those choices as a grown adult. A grown adult – who did know right from wrong. A grown adult who is not insane. A grown adult he admits he would not like any of this done to him – which proves he knows it is wrong. Yet, he did it all anyway.

And for me, this is all too much to process. I am actually having those out of body experiences, where I am disconnected from my body and looking down on myself as a stranger. And I feel the heartbreak that someone with empathy would feel, for someone who has endured so much abuse, throughout her entire life. And then had someone so callous and so toxic, come along and willingly destroy her more. Continue reading


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Dissociation – my long time friend ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Dissociation has served me well throughout my life. It helped me cope with all the severe abuse as a child. It helped me cope through all the abuse as an adolescent. It helped me cope being sexually abused. Abused by paedophiles, sociopaths, narcissists.

I wouldn’t have survived it all, without dissociation.

I am currently overwhelmed, and I know this – because I am having more nightmares again, and I am numb a lot of the time.

Woman Looking Through Pane of Glass

 

When things are out of my control – I end up numb. When the pain is too much to feel, dissociation kicks in. My brain has known dissociation – since being a child.

In one way I am glad dissociation kicks in. I’m glad it helped me cope as a child. But, I also know – this means things are really bad, and I am beyond my emotional capacity to cope.

I’m having the robot mode type dissociation, but also an increase in the type where I feel like I am seeing things in slow motion. Which is a more severe kind of dissociation – described in the past as depersonalisation. I am also daydreaming a lot into the world I created for myself in my head, to escape to.

There are periods of time I am not present.  Like 20-30 minutes. Sometimes longer.

I am trying to be present, focus on my children, my photography. But, there are periods of time each day, I am not present.

I realise I should see another therapist. But, I cannot afford one and I would never trust another therapist again now. There is no way I am going to explain my entire trauma history with another stranger, and hope they don’t do anything that causes more trauma. I cannot take that chance again.

Bottom line, I don’t trust my capacity to not ignore red flags in people’s behaviour. Over the last 5 years I saw many red flags and issues – and I tolerated them. Because I desperately needed someone to trust. Someone to have my interests at heart. Just one person. And that was not the situation I was in….. and I tolerated what I should never have tolerated.

Desperation, can affect a person who deeply needs a trustworthy person. Someone who Continue reading


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First time I have listened to this sing, and not been emotional. Which I should probably be concerned about.

Since I first listened to this song, I have been emotional every time. It is my inner child  song. It has great personal meaning for me.

Today, is the first time I have ever listened to this and not been emotional. It is actually something I should probably be worried about, because I know myself well. I always cry when I listen to this. No matter whether in a good, bad or ugly place.

Which I do know, is because I have shut down emotionally. It’s like a switch just got turned off.

I am at a place where I just cannot do emotions anymore. I don’t know if this is dissociation, or something else. But, it is not something I have experienced before. Continue reading


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It’s all in slow motion.

It’s my little boys birthday tomorrow. Today, I went with my husband, to buy his presents and cards. My husband bought breakfast and coffee for us. He’s worried about me. He knows I’m not okay.

Throughout the whole day, it’s been as though I were out of my body, looking at myself. I could hear noises, voices, but they were muted. It’s all in slow motion.

Continue reading


Doing what I am supposed to be doing….but in a completely numb, disconnected state.

I am aware, I am in a numb state, nearly all the time now.

Since the latest processing, of even deeper psychological harm caused me, that has affected my whole life…I just can’t deal with it. I was already suicidal prior to all this. I am past my limit now.

How do you process all the trauma, all the abusers and what they did, and then realise because of all they did, you have also been abusing yourself all this time, letting people harm you, by not staying away, putting yourself in dangerous situations, hanging around with abusive people.

I can’t even process the words – re-enacting abuse, masochism, compulsion to repeat trauma.

All this time, I’ve thought I was strong, a survivor…and all along I was hurting myself, over and over. Continuing what all the abusers started and letting more hurt me repeatedly.

I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Continue reading


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I don’t have it in me, to participate in suicide awareness day.

I can’t hear all the bullshit messages people will be spreading, about how ‘all’ suicide is preventable.

How suicide is selfish, think of the ones you leave behind.

How suicide is weakness.

I am so sick of hearing messages from people, who are not even educated in psychosis and dissociation and how these are severe symptoms of PTSD, CPTSD, Depression, Bipolar.

I am sick of uneducated, entitled, opinionated, people.

I am sick of judgments and being shamed. Continue reading