Whatever I Do About My Mothers Funeral – Will Be Wrong

My mother has died. I’m aware her funeral is on 30th May.

I had counselling today, and we talked about how numb I feel about hearing my mother has died. And how that numb feeling is normal.

We also discussed whether I should attend the funeral. I know that my siblings – will choose to see whatever I do – as wrong.

If I go to funeral – that will wrong.

If I don’t go to the funeral – that will be wrong.

That’s the problem with dysfunctional families. Whatever the scapegoat does, is always wrong.

I have decided not to go. For my own personal needs, I do not need to attend the funeral.

I would have liked to go – to support my siblings, if our relationship was normal. I only went to their father’s funeral – to support them. I wish them nothing but peace.

Approaching the ‘issue’ in the group.

I wrote recently, about a woman in my ladies group, who was showing red flags. Very selfish, brings every conversation back to herself, ‘tells’ people what they should be doing, no sensitivity to other people’s needs, very defensive if people don’t agree with her, likes to be the centre of attention, expects each meet to be fitting ‘her’ schedule…. etc.

I’ve been monitoring this. I’ve been vigilant about what she is saying to other ladies, and I’ve offered a more appropriate response on several occasions.

It was brought to my attention, that other ladies are finding this woman uncomfortable to be around. And it was off-putting to be told by a stranger, what they should be doing.

After thinking about this for a few days, I decided I would need to approach this woman and let her know this feedback and issues and that I need to be concerned with the whole group. And I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable, or leave, due to this.

So, I did. I sent a polite message, outlining this feedback. She responded, with a passive aggressive – nice, but not nice – response. I can read passive aggressive, very easily.

I know to sit back and watch, to see what else happens. The same day, she then stated she couldn’t come to the next fortnightly meet, because she had other plans. When I know for a fact, that she always kept those days free, for my group.

So, this will mean she won’t be attending for at least 3 weeks. Which is okay

Michelle Obama, says Beyonce is a great role model…..really!?

I have been quite disappointed in Beyoncé’s demise into needing to be half naked, and writhe around in video’s in a highly sexual manner, which has become a common theme of hers now.

Now, I like Beyoncé, I like some of her music. I don’t think she is a bad person, in any way. But, since getting married, she has for some reason, changed and not all for the better, at all. 

But is this really the ‘message’ we want to send our youth, teenagers etc? 

Do we want girls to believe you have to act like that and be half naked, to be attractive and be like our favourite role model?

Do we want boys to believe this is what girls should be doing and to sexualise them, from such a young age.

Quite frankly, this seriously disappoints me, that someone like Michelle Obama could consider this type of behaviour, to be role model material.

It all feeds in to women being treated as sexual objects and men can treat them as such.

It all feeds in to rape culture and abuse of women being acceptable, condonable, justifiable.

Love -v- Rescue. I know I have had issues with this.

This often doesn’t stop after childhood either and the victim/child, who was conditioned into this, will continue this throughout adulthood with others.

I’ve done this, I did it in my first marriage. I kept forgiving and therefore, enabling his abuse to me. He was a narc, and an alcoholic and gambling addict to boot. I was abused in many ways – emotionally, physically, financially (I paid all the bills so he could use his for booze and betting). He was always going to ‘change’, and never did. I felt overly responsible for ‘rescuing’ him and guilty if I ‘gave up’ and him and he would pile on the emotional abuse, to make me feel guilty.

I have had a lot of experience of dealing with narcs and how they behave and all their abusive ways.

This is why I do NOT believe in ‘just showing compassion and forgiving’ narcissists, because it is enabling them and it is dangerous with an unrepentant narcissist.

This is why I have issues with some foolish church people’s approach and assuming cheap grace for a narc, is okay. It isn’t. It is dangerous.

“Forgive & Forget” – I always knew this was wrong & it is narcissist behaviour.

 

I see so clearly how this is a typical narcissistic trait – it gives abusive people the perfect way to abuse others and then demand you just forgive and forget – with no consequences to the behaviour.

I see clearly how church people/religious people LOVE to use this to do as they wish, have no consequences to their behaviour, have no repentance and put the full responsibility on the person hurt – to do the forgiving – and call them a bad Christian if they don’t.

Abusive religious people love cheap grace and demanding forgiveness – with no repentance. And projecting blame onto the victims. And telling you, you are wrong to feel angry about the abuse/lies you have endured.

I’ve known since I was a child, that people not dealing with their behaviours appropriately, is wrong.

Done with Christianity as an organised religion & done with Christian counselling.

So much has happened over the last 2 years related to so called ‘Christians’ that I know has profoundly affected my healing, caused me more abuse and trauma, and I know I need to just separate myself, from it all.

I have seen so many people who claim to be mature Christians, fail so badly and I find it quite bizarre that they all can’t see it.

I’ve seen lies, excuses, corruption, justifications, minimizing, spiritual abuse in the masses, child abuse and well so much more, but I’ve already blogged enough.

I think so many really are mind controlled, into this concept that it is needed to minimize abuse and protect abuse perpetrators. All with their wrong interpretations of grace, compassion etc.

All this has shown me, is how much these people hurt abuse survivors, abuse them further, spiritually abuse them and re-traumatise them and re-victimise them.

And worse, they truly don’t care. They all stick together.

They truly are the perfect examples of narcissist/sociopaths or their apaths.

Helping others, to trust their therapists. More ways, I didn’t know I help.

I am aware, what I write helps people. Not everyone, and that’s okay. We are all different. But, I do know, I do help many.

Sometimes, people say things that make me really stop in my tracks and think ‘wow, I didn’t realise I was helping in that way.’

This was one such occasion, when someone wrote the following on a post on my community page. (name removed for privacy).

To help anyone trust what their therapist is saying, is so good. As trust is a major issue – I know all too well.

And this obviously clarifies, that what I wrote, is also what a professional therapist is also saying, advising and believes. And this is all processing I have done myself, due to my own self insight, not what have heard in my own counselling. I’m aware I can pretty much work it all out myself. I just need help figuring out how the hell I deal with all this deep insight and the hell to deal with all these people out there, who cause all this harm and abuse.

The human ego is a perilous critter… Some ‘ego’ quotes I wrote – Lilly Hope Lucario

“The human ego is a perilous and pesky critter to deal with. Feed it too much and you create a monster.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

~~~~~~

“You don’t heal from abuse, by developing an ego.

That is simply creating poor mental health that will never bring peace, as it will be a lifelong need to find more people willing to stroke that ego.

And continual disappointment and hurt, when someone refuses to comply.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

~~~~~~

I see why abusive church people will hate Alice Miller’s work. I find it very insightful.

I asked my doctor, who is a Christian if she knew of Alice Miller’s work and she said not. Considering Alice Miller is well known in the psychology world, that interested me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)

Alice Miller believes in the seriousness of abuse by parents, and strongly believes hitting children and various other forms of abuse that many church people encourage, is abuse and I absolutely agree. She also believes the ‘honour thy father and mother’ – ‘even if they are abusive’ aspects of church/child abuse perpetrated, to condone abuse that I clearly see occurring, to be abuse.

My view is that ‘honour thy father and mother’ in terms of what God requires of us, is ‘if’ the father and mother act the way parents should – by not ‘abusing’ their children.

Much shame is forced upon Christians by enforcing ignoring and accepting abuse of all kinds and much is condoned within churches and I do NOT in any way condone this. It is disgusting and nothing to do with God, at all.

In her writings, Miller is careful to clarify that by “abuse” she does not only mean physical violence or sexual abuse, she is also concerned with a much more insidious form of abuse: psychological abuse perpetrated by one or both parents on their child; this is insidious because the difficulty of identifying and dealing with it lies in the fact that the abused person is likely to conceal it from themselves and may never be aware of it until some dramatic event, or the onset of depression, requires it to be treated. Miller blamed psychologically abusive parents for the majority of neuroses and psychoses.

She maintained that all instances of mental illness, addiction, crime and cultism were ultimately caused by suppressed rage and pain as a result of subconscious childhood trauma that was not resolved emotionally, assisted by a helper, which she came to term an “enlightened witness.”

In all cultures, “sparing the parents is our supreme law,” wrote Miller. Even psychiatrists, psychoanalysts and clinical psychologists were unconsciously afraid to blame parents for the mental disorders of their clients, she contended. According to Miller, mental health professionals were also creatures of the poisonous pedagogy internalized in their own childhood.

This explained why the command “Honor thy parents” was one of the main targets in Miller’s school of psychology. – Wikipedia.

Covert victim blaming ‘You were given this life, because you are strong enough to endure it’.

I hate this kind of ongoing covert victim blaming.

Society loves it and perpetuates it continually. It is BS and further abuse.

I wrote these two posts about this on my page…

I really dislike the quote ‘you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it’.

Such BS.

This is a form of victim blaming. You are ‘strong enough’ therefore you got it all.

I was given my life – by abusers- and all the abuse in it, ‘regardless’ of whether I am strong enough to live it, or not.

Many people have lives that are too painful to endure. Many end their lives or feel suicidal, that does not mean they are not strong enough.

I wish all these covert forms of victim blaming, did not exist and were not encouraged by society.

Particularly abuse survivors themselves.

And then followed it up with..

Further to my last post about the ‘victim blaming quote’ – ‘You were given this life because you are strong enough to endure it’…

I will also add…..

I do believe ‘some’ can become stronger for it, but that does not in any way mean that is why we had to endure it.

For some, it destroys them completely.

We weren’t ‘given’ it because we are strong enough, at all.

Our abusers didn’t think to themselves ‘I’m only going to hurt her/him, because she/he is strong enough to endure it’. They didn’t care at all, if we were strong enough to endure it. In fact, some abusers wanted the abuse to destroy us.

I don’t like any forms of victim blaming and I won’t tolerate them.

Society is very unhealthy in many of it’s views about abuse and I stand up against them all.

I also dislike and will not tolerate other victim blaming such as;

– Suggesting God ‘gives’ you abuse to in some way teach you something – BS. God is pure perfect love and wants no-one to suffer. But, due to free will, people make choices for others to suffer, and God will use those situations, for His needs, with our best interests always at heart.

– Karma, Laws of Attraction, Buddhism – all forms of victim blaming to suggest you deserve it, need it, encouraged it. BS, all of it.

The blame for abuse is always and only the abusers – they made the choices to abuse. End of.

They also could have chosen, not to abuse. But they didn’t.

There needs to be people willing to speak the truth.