Exercise and healthy eating and my motivation. It has changed, praise God!

I have been through a ‘doing little’ phase, conserving my energies for something important, that is now over.

So, I decided I needed to get back into exercise, healthy eating, drinking more water, taking vitamins and supplements, all things I have let slide.

I am very unfit, probably the most unfit I have ever been in my life.

Exercise, when you are this unfit, sucks. But, it’s needed.

My motorbike phobia and how I am changing this.

I hate motorbikes. They are huge triggers for me and I know this, so I know I have to work on it.

Just like my gun phobia. I still think is so ironic that my husband is now a cop and carries a gun. I know this is good though, as I have to deal with that phobia too.

My issue with motorbikes, is deep rooted in fear and danger.

The psychopath who went to prison, was into bikes in a big way. For many reasons – he liked speed, he liked ignoring law, he liked following people on them, he liked using them to drive fear into me.

Gone live with my website…:-)

I have now set up my website and gone live with it.

http://healingcomplextrauma.wix.com/healingcomplextrauma#

It is still very new and I have a lot to add to it, but the basics are there.

I really hopes it helps as many people as my Community Facebook page has.

Reaching out to help those in need, is my goal, just as Jesus did.

I have wanted to get involved in community work, for many years, long before I became a Christian.

Reaching out to people in need, is something important to me, that I feel very much on my heart.

I believe my life and all the horror, abuse, aloneness, suffering and trauma in it, was for a reason, to create me into someone who knows it is for purpose.

Am I now ‘all about me’. Yes I am, it is a life saving, unavoidable factor, when you have severe complex PTSD.

People love to judge, we all do it on some level. We would be liars if we said we never judged anyone.

And people judge what they don’t understand the most. Particularly if it’s a taboo subject – like mental health illness. Or abuse.

I am aware people may think I am ‘all about me’. And you know, on some level that is correct. Because PTSD ‘forces’ me have to think about me – ALL the time.

My abusers, were all victims too. A controversial, but life changing moment of realisation.

I was taking a shower earlier, thinking about stuff, as I do. My mind never stops.

My mind constantly thinking, is good and bad. Rumination, being a negative in some ways, but my ability to not let go of thinking about something, coupled with PTSD not allowing me to let go of something, can have it’s uses. It can be used for good.

I have the ability to put myself in other people’s shoes and view their life, through their eyes, try to feel what they felt.

I’ve done this with my abusers and this was what in my mind while showering. But, I wasn’t upset, I was okay and suddenly it came to my mind. They were all victims of their own minds too.

Reality is not pretty. Denial was far easier.

People will always let you down, no-one can be trusted.

Most people don’t have capacity, or discipline for honesty and integrity.

Most people lie, manipulate and assume everyone else does too, including me. But, I don’t.

PTSD triggers, you just never know when they are going to happen…

After going to pick up my friend from hospital, I got home and my amazing husband was in the middle of doing all the vacuuming, so sent me out as he knows I hate the sound of the vacuum cleaner. I was already very emotional, as I haven’t seen my friend for 5 weeks and seeing her was such a highly emotional time, many tears and huge hugs. I thought I had lost her, as she is on the same journey as me, but in a much worse place and was in hospital for her safety. So knowing I hadn’t lost her was emotive. I love her deeply.

So, after dealing with that, it was a good idea to go out and avoid any further stressors, like noise.

I went to a local quiet cafe. Bought a magazine to flick through and just wanted to chill out. Ordered a sandwich and a latte.

Why I know I suffered so badly and for so long.

(This was a post I put on my Facebook community page, dated 27/04/13)

I used to think it was horrendous that I know the depths of pain people who are in unbearable pain can be in and the worst emotions and thoughts that can cause.

The day my disability claim was confirmed as approved. 29/04/13

Today, 29th April 2013, I received my confirmation letter stating my Disability application has been accepted.

It stated my doctor confirmed there was unlikely to be any improvement in my medical condition for the next 2 years.