I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading
I often write posts on my Facebook Lilly Hope Lucario account and they are a significant part of my healing. So, I thought I would post them here, to maintain a record of them and share them further with others. Continue reading →
Several months ago, whilst going through the trauma of unravelling the truth about my 18 year marriage – I realise my sociopath husband had told a whole pack of lies about his ex wife. He portrayed himself as the victim – as he is now with me. He portrayed this image of being this really great guy – with a crazy, selfish, lazy wife. I fell for it. He’s a very convincing liar. I was also the perfect victim for him to move on to. I am empathic, caring, easily manipulated. I believed his lies. The lies he told directly, the half truths, all the times he let me assume wrongly about his ex wife. He is an expert at lying and letting people believe lies.
So, being the person I am, when I realised he had lied and that his ex wife is probably a lovely person and like me, I wrote to her. I told her everything and that I believed all his lies and that she should know – I do now realise all the abuse she was also going through. I didn’t know how she would react. She responded with compassion. We had many conversations – where the truth was revealed.
I realised his lack of emotion about not seeing his daughter, was due to him just not caring. His daughter was out of sight, out of mind. He had a new victim to play with. Me. He discarded his ex wife and daughter in such a bizarre and toxic way, and he never shed a single tear. I assumed when he didn’t care about pursuing contact with his daughter in the first few years following their separation, was just him giving in to his ‘horrible ex wife’. Now I realise he didn’t care about seeing his daughter. Me pushing him to seek contact and get court orders for contact – was not what he wanted at all.
I told his ex that it was me that pushed all the contact legal action. I told her he never shed a tear over his daughter and she said she already knew that.
I also told her about all the psychological, emotional and sexual abuse to me. And I confirmed that what she endured with his financial abandonment to his daughter, was financial abuse. Plus all the affairs he had within their marriage and no doubt in mine.
We also both realise he never has/had friends and was ignorant and barely speaks around people – because he has no use for most people. He has no concept of actually thinking about others in a way that is needed for friendships. He has no emotional connection with anyone. As sociopaths don’t.
It was helpful or us both to validate each others treatment by this heinous man. We also both agreed that if he loved either of us, or our children – he would have wanted us to have been the healthiest and happiest women and parents. But, instead he destroyed us both. My health is destroyed and she has never worked since their divorce due to health issues created in their marriage.
I was supposed to meet today with the female minister of the church I take my boys to. She’s a nice woman. The church seems okay. But, I just can’t talk to anyone. The anxiety I get from thinking about talking to someone and dreading their response, is overwhelming. It literally makes me ill.
I am so unwell, I cannot take anymore minimizing, abuser excusers, people invalidating my pain and projecting their opinions on me – harming me in the process. And their lack of empathy and conscience in the process.
I’ve had that all my life and I am too ill to take it anymore.
The recent issues coming to a very abrupt and traumatic end with my counsellor, has caused so much damage. It took me several years to build up to the point where I could talk about the severity of all the abuse, the toxic and heinous characters of the abusers. To have that minimized and trivialised in the manner it was by my former counsellor and the way it ended, is beyond painful.
To think of yet another person doing more of that – is not something I can ever take any chances on happening again. Especially church people. And as anyone with any intelligence knows – church people are often the worst for abusing abuse victims with their victim blaming/shaming attitudes.
I am so ill and so broken I am not in a position to take the risk of more trauma. I have to protect myself and withdraw to be safe. To cope. Continue reading →
I had something really exciting happen today. A photographer I love has given me the opportunity to watch her work and process sales, all through all her Christmas sessions. The amount I will learn from this is considerable. It is such an amazing opportunity for me, and one good thing happening in my life right now.
When I told my husband, his immediate reaction and look on his face was absolutely resentment. Then he made it ‘all about him’ and negative, by nastily saying, that ‘he’ might not be able to get all ‘his’ shifts sorted around ‘all these dates’. Like I was doing something wrong to ‘him’. Because in his putrid mind – it’s always ‘all about him’. And it’s complete BS, because these dates are enough in advance of the shifts being worked out. He has stated many times his shifts can be worked around any dates that family members need for work or other appointments Plus, he has stacks of annual leave he has to take.
He wanted to make this an immediate negative and make me feel badly about wanting to do this. He wanted me to feel badly about something good for me.
Interestingly, when I told him I don’t care what he needs to do – I’m doing the photography thing and he better get it sorted so he can take care of our young son, he got the time off agreed immediately, with no issues to him at all.
It was such a clear example of what his heart and soul are truly all about. You scratch the surface and there is nothing but blackness.
He abused me for 17 years – emotionally, psychologically and sexually (all confirmed in counselling as such) – which absolutely led to my breakdown 5 years ago and now my deteriorating physical health, and yet he still resents anything good for me. And clearly has zero remorse or shame for what he has done.
Just an ongoing need to make my life worse. As he has done for 17 years.
And just to kick me more – when he’s already kicked me down – he chose to make a joke this afternoon about all the abuse he’s subjected to. He thinks abuse is funny. He wanted me to know that he thinks all the abuse he subjected me too – is funny to him.
He totally shat all over my only light in this shit life, home and environment I am forced to have to live in, because I am too ill to leave.
I’m going into hospital on Thursday – due to serious life threatening health issues – he is largely the cause of………. and he can’t be happy or even okay – for the one good thing happening in my life right now. Continue reading →
Something I have realised over the last 5 years of counselling and processing all the severe trauma I have endured…….. is other people’s views and opinions about abusers can be too hard, too painful and too emotional for me to deal with, particularly when I am struggling.
People are not ‘bad’ people for having their own needed views – and I get people need to believe whatever gets them through. And everyone can choose their beliefs and that’s okay. And I believe that people’s different views are okay for each individual person.
But, some beliefs are far too triggering. They often cause more damage and I’ve realised I need strong boundaries.
When we are struggling, it’s necessary to have boundaries and I know I need to stay away from anything that will push me over the edge.
I’ve learned to have my own boundaries and stay away from reading anything on the internet and social media – that will likely provoke an emotional overwhelm and triggers of the past.
I believe in emotional boundaries – our own to take responsibility for what we expose ourselves to….. and to keep away from other people’s views that hurt.
I’ve learned I can manage my triggers when I am really struggling. Not perfectly – but I am much better at this now. Continue reading →
Talking about the abuse, suffering and harm caused by people with personality disorders – is NOT increasing ‘mental illness stigma’.
Do not dare to try to silence abuse survivors as this is more abuse.
Personality disorders are not an excuse to abuse people.
I do not promote hate, revenge or retaliation – but I do promote the truth about how heinous their abuse is to endure.
Many victims kill themselves due to their heinous abuse. And some victims are killed by these personality disordered people.
The abuse must be discussed.
And info about these people so victims won’t be targeted again. Continue reading →
My article was accepted, published and I was asked to be an ‘Official The Mighty Contributor”.
Which is great and I am so thankful for – as this raises more awareness about Complex Trauma, Complex PTSD, PTSD, abuse and child abuse.