Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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The terminal aloneness, is easily triggered.

alone-sad-girl-wallpaper-006

It doesn’t take much, to trigger some of the more pervasive and chronic issues of Complex PTSD.

I’ve felt terminally alone, all my life. I still battle it.

My doctor/counsellor is away for a month. Ongoing personal issues flare up. I have no-one I trust, to talk to.

So the aloneness, the hopelessness, the despair sets in.

You can be doing okay for a little while, and then a few things occur, and you feel right back to the depths of despair you felt when in the midst of the worst trauma.

I wish I could fast-forward the rest of my life. I wish I could Continue reading


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Music, can cause flashbacks.

I was just listening to Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy, on YouTube. I love classical music.

As this ended, the next one which I wasn’t aware would start playing is this. I listened to classical music as a teenager. And this transported me back to my teenage years of suffering, hopelessness, despair and suicidal needs.

Flashbacks, are a bitch.

 

I am glad I can discern flashbacks occurring now, and manage them better.

Info on managing them @ http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!flashbacks/cx5h

http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!flashback-management/c1jmh

http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!responding-to-emotional-flashbacks/c10x8


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Breathing skills, sure helped when my wisdom tooth was extracted.

I had an infected, painful wisdom tooth. I’ve had it being painful for many years. But, it got worse, so I decided I had to get it taken out.

The x-rays showed the wisdom tooth was embedded in the bone, it was only partially erupted and was infected.

I was pretty nervous when it came to the dental surgeon taking it out. Just the thought of feeling trapped in the chair, with people leaning over me, is a trigger. I am a severe abuse survivor and feeling trapped, is not easy to deal with.

Pain, is also a trigger. Having severe PTSD and Complex PTSD, means I can and do have many triggers, leading to visual, emotional and somatic flashbacks.

I decided I would utilise every PTSD, anxiety strategy I could, to help me manage this situation. Including breathing and mindfulness skills.

And I prayed for strength and the capacity to deal with this.

The extraction procedure was not pleasant. Just hearing the saw I knew she was using to cut the bone, was horrible.

But, I remained absolutely calm throughout. I was breathing….. in for 4…… and out for 4. And praying I would not feel pain. I shut my eyes the whole time, because I didn’t want to see them leaning over me. That helped with not feeling so trapped. Continue reading


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“Nothing has made so much sense than this.”

“Nothing has made so much sense than this.”

This is the type of feedback from other complex trauma survivors, that helps me realise, how meaningful my work is. Feedback that shows someone has gained something significant to them, to help their healing… is what I hope to achieve.

The feedback was in response to this blog

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/08/25/emotional-flashbacks-are-very-real-many-dont-realise-they-are-occurring/comment-page-1/#comment-9743

I know how complex – complex trauma is. I’m still figuring it out. I’m not an expert, as some tell me I am. But, I do have the capacity to work things out, with self insight.

This feedback came today, from a survivor who read my blog about emotional flashbacks. These types of flashbacks are really challenging to understand and figure out. Let alone manage.

I’ve also has this feedback…

“This is my life. I can understand every single issue

I deal with every day now.

Finally something makes sense. This makes me cry.

For the sadness and pain I consistently endure.

Thank you.”

And I owe this validation about Emotional Flashbacks – to Pete Walker. Continue reading


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A chatterbox and tears.

My son’s school friend, was playing with a chatterbox this morning. I haven’t seen one of those, since I was in school. I used to make loads of them.

I told my son I would make him one, when he came home from school. And so I did.

I remembered how to make it, but as I was folding the paper, I could feel emotions welling up. Along with anxiety. No idea why, other than this is a reminder of my childhood in general, which was not a good one.

I tried to contain my emotions, as I wanted this to be a fun activity with my 6 year old. We worked out what numbers and colours, and wrote funny things for people to do.

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I had to really focus on what I was doing, and focus on my son, and try really hard, to not allow the emotions to end up being tears.

But, once my son skipped off, ready to try his chatterbox out on his brother, the tears welled up in my eyes.

I hate my past interfering with my life now, when it involves my children. I don’t want my past, to be a part of Continue reading


It is always a relief, to read experts knowledge on Complex PTSD.

“I always feel a relief, from reading trauma expert’s knowledge of PTSD & Complex PTSD.

It helps me realise, I am normal, for all I have endured and my strong emotions, my fears, my reactions, my thoughts – are due to the very abnormal abuse/experiences I have endured.

This is why I share all this, so others feel validated and understand this is normal for all they have endured, also.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I wrote this on my Facebook page today, after having researched info I already knew, but needed to read again. It is vital, that severe complex trauma survivors, know and understand their emotions, fears etc….are all normal for what they have endured.

It is vital for me to know this.

It’s like a form of self soothing.

“I am okay, this is normal for me, there are massive reasons, and none of it is my fault.” 

I’m aware, I have no doubt been in a big emotional flashback, for the last few days. They can last days, weeks even. Continue reading