Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

“I honour your journey, just as you Lilly always do so graciously for others”

I am so thankful to be someone who honours people’s journey, so graciously. And that people see this and there are people who can offer the same to me.

I never place expectations on anyone, because I know that is harmful and is lacking in empathy. And I know how vital empathy is.

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This was posted to my Facebook page on 12/05/17

about my Mother’s Day blog. Continue reading

“The Success Of Your Blog Is Your Kindness, Compassion, Insight, Knowledge & Validation”

These are just a few of the comments I received when I posted about this Blog reaching 1.5 million views.

It has always been my motivation, to bring insight, empathy and validation to survivors. And to raise awareness and insight for those working with survivors, plus family & friends of survivors.

I am so thankful this is what I am achieving. It matters. It matters to me, that I am helping people in their healing journeys. And I am always so thankful to know, this is occurring. It is my greatest wish, that all survivors are healing. However long it takes.

~Lilly Hope Lucario

A few of the comments I received today.

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We Need To Stop Shaming Severe Abuse Survivors, For Not Being ‘Strong Enough’ ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Throughout my work as an advocate for abuse survivors, I have seen a considerable amount of victim shaming, victim blaming and shame shifting. And I see the bigger picture of how much harm this causes.

Many abuse survivors are not ‘stronger’ after the abuse they have suffered. And for those who claim they are – that’s great, but it is very narcissistic to then look down on those who are struggling and mock, belittle and/or shame those who are deemed to not be ‘as strong’.

Many abuse survivors already feel considerable shame, due to the abuse they have suffered and when they are treated in this victim shaming way, that shame increases, and often leads to increased mental health issues, and can lead to suicide. When shamed for not being ‘strong enough’ – survivors can feel a burden, useless and weak. For those who have spiralled down to suicidal thoughts – this added shame can push them over the edge.

If you think about it – it doesn’t even make sense that every survivor of heinous, severe abuse – would be stronger as a result. Would anyone expect a person who has severe life impacting physical health issues, to be stronger? Of course not. Many abuse survivors have debilitating mental health issues, and many also endure physical health issues, which are life impacting and very difficult to manage. And that is not through any fault of the survivor, it is entirely the responsibility of the perpetrator(s) of the abuse.

It truly is a lack of empathy to insinuate any abuse survivor is ‘acting like a victim’ or ‘choosing to dwell in victimhood’ – when the fact is – no-one else knows the extent to which the abuse has affected the survivor. There are many factors that are beyond the survivors control, that affect coping and healing. And true empathy knows that.

Yet, I see these shaming terms perpetuated around social media and the internet. Far too many mental health professionals also choose to victim shame, and each one of those is blocked by me, as I will not tolerate it, condone it, or enable it.

As a highly insightful abuse survivor and therapist Pete Walker stated about complex trauma survivors….

For many such clients, we are their first legitimate shot at a safe and nurturing relationship. If we are not skilled enough to create the degree of safety they need to begin the long journey towards developing good enough trust, we may be their last.

Empathy is vital for severe abuse survivors, and shaming complex trauma survivors – creates considerable fear and a huge lack of safety. This causing the survivor to withdraw and possibly never reach out again for help. And the therapy offered, will require considerable effort to develop and maintain the degree of trust required for any therapeutic benefit. Shame should have no place in a complex trauma survivor’s therapy relationship.

See here for more info for therapists treating complex trauma. Continue reading


A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.

This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

helping someone with depression

Continue reading

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Amongst The Bad, There Are Good Things Happening. All Requiring My Empathy ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Things are pretty tough at the moment. But, amongst the bad, there is good. And whilst this does not in any way make up for the bad….. I do recognise and I am thankful for the good.



Three things that have occurred in the last 2 weeks, that required my empathy to happen.

Good thing No 1.

A new student at my 14 year olds school, was being racially abused. He is Muslim. My son saw this happen and asked the student if he wanted to hang out with my sons group of friends. When he came home and told me about this, he expressed his concern for the student and how terrible it was that he was being bullied and abused. So, my son stepped up and now the student has a group of friends, who have accepted him and treat him with the same dignity and respect as other students.

This meant more to me, than any academic or sporting achievements. This is about my sons character and personality. His empathy and compassion. His capacity to be a decent human being and step up for others who are vulnerable and being treated badly. I was tearful about this. Because, it shows my empathy in my parenting and what I model and speak about, has this effect on my teenage son. All the conversations I have had about empathy, and about bullying, about racism and how wrong they are, have led to my son acting in a truly compassionate way – that many adults can’t even manage. And this matters. What my son chose to do – matters.

And the deeper issue I am also aware of, is Muslim teenagers who are treated badly by non Muslims, are far more at risk of being groomed by murderous psychopath terrorists, for radicalisation. Hopefully, this would never be an issue to this student at my sons school. But, in being accepted and treated well – by non Muslim people….means any risk of radicalisation, is reduced.

Good thing No 2.

At my ladies group, a woman confided in us, about having PTSD, due to being very ill a few years ago, and the poor treatment she received. This resulted in a decline in her mental health, with severe depression, suicide attempts, and resulted in PTSD. She was sat next to me, when speaking about this. I was able to validate her trauma, her suicidal state and the effects of PTSD, without actually saying I have endured this too. I was so glad she felt able to share this, and that the group is safe enough for women to share.

Another lady became upset sharing about her marriage breakdown and stress at not having a job to care for her children. She was obviously distressed Continue reading

“Thank you so much, Lilly Hope, your words are such a blessing to me”

A post to my Facebook page today, which reminds me how meaningful my work is to others.

“Thank you so much, Lilly Hope, your words are such a blessing to me, and have been for about 4 ? months now.

I’ve progressed so much in healing, just by absorbing your words, and I’ve stopped blaming myself for not being able to forgive all the abusers.

It’s amazing the difference. I’ve been beating myself down for over 15 years now…

No more of that nonsense!

How liberating.  “

This shows just how much complex trauma survivors need to see true compassion and true empathy.

This post shows how the harmful beliefs of others – can cause so much damage to people’s healing and hinder any healing.

And this shows how the right words, the vital words people need to hear – can make such a difference.

I am glad when I can make that needed difference in anyone’s  life.

empathy-2 Continue reading


Sadly, I think too many ‘therapists’ enjoy shaming abuse survivors ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I just witnessed interactions between a ‘therapist’ who claims to be a sexual abuse survivor – and another survivor on Twitter. The lack of empathy shown by the therapist was so harmful and I know this woman should not be a therapist.

I think too many therapists are unhealed abuse survivors, who are still in denial of their own issues, yet are deluded to believe they can counsel other survivors.

I think some of them also have narcissistic issues, that show in their lack of empathy.

I think some like to stroke their egos and lord it over other survivors as to how ‘freakin amazing’ the therapist believes she/he is. Which is again is more narcissism.

Too many therapists shame others. They use insensitive language and they truly don’t care how that is harmful. When questioned they refuse to acknowledge this, and just default to the ‘I am right and you are wrong’ belief system.

I’ve come to realise more and more how vital it is for very vulnerable and fragile complex trauma survivors – to have a highly experienced, very empathic and very professional therapist.

And sadly, most do not. And for many reasons cannot access the quality of therapy needed.

For those who are re-traumatised by unprofessional and/or inadequately empathic/insightful therapists – they may never reach out again – as Pete Walker so eloquently and so empathically wrote about. Continue reading


All holidays and ‘special days’ can be incredibly hard for complex trauma survivors ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All holidays and ‘special days’ can be incredibly hard for complex trauma survivors.
Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc ….. all of them, can be times when complex trauma survivors – struggle the most and feel a lot of pain and feel so terribly alone.
I have the empathy to know this and not police how people ‘should’ be feeling.
Telling people how they ‘should’ feel – is for people who lack empathy and lack insight into complex trauma.
And no matter how I am personally doing, I will never forget all the times I have been at my worst.
When life did not feel worth living.
When I wanted to give up, because it hurt too much.
I will never forget, others feel like that too.
I keep this in mind, rather than flaunt my healing.



And I am aware – it is this sensitivity and empathy for others, that many relate to.
And why people write to me constantly telling me, they feel safe on my page and blog

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.


No, you do not ‘have’ to be thankful at thanksgiving ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


My message of empathy for people who understandably, cannot feel positive emotions, and do not ‘have’ to, just because of the time of year, or because others say we ‘should’.

If you are feeling thankful, that’s great.

If you are not, that’s valid too.

No shame or judgment, from me.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved.

No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.