Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Abandoning God, in the same way I was abandoned.

(This blog post is purely for my own journaling and not for commenting on).

My crisis of faith, has become an abandonment of my faith. I can no longer reconcile a loving God, with allowing so much suffering, abuse and pain in the world.

I am abandoning my faith, in the exact same way God abandoned me all the way through my childhood and most of my life. He let it all happen. He watched it all. He did nothing to stop it. He clearly did not care. Continue reading


People confuse ‘compassion’ for abusers, with being one of their ‘apaths’.

I see people who think they are showing compassion and grace to abusive people, to narcissistic/sociopathic people etc – but what they fail to realise is that they actually courting evil, by becoming one of their ‘apaths’.

I see this, even in people who believe they are wise and spiritually progressed.

I don’t hate abusive people. I don’t want anything bad to occur to them. I do want them stopped from hurting people.

But, I will never condone, enable, excuse, ignore their behaviour. Which is what apaths, so.

It is hard to watch and know there is so little I can do.

Not only are abusive people increasing – but their apath’s, are too.

This is not wisdom, not compassion, not empathy…it is being deceived.

Read here for more info on the Sociopath – Apath – Empath Triad.




I see all these quotes about loving yourself, never changing and accepting yourself as you are and not listening to others etc….

And to a ‘small’ proportion of people, they are great advice.

But, they don’t exactly encourage self reflection, personal growth, or self honesty, do they?

And the bigger trouble is there are a lot of unhealthy thinking, narcissistic, psychopathic, sociopathic, abusive people out there – all reading these quotes too.

And they are all the ones that feed on this, and it validates them and they are the ones least likely to know they have unhealthy minds. So they love these quotes.

And that scares the shit out of me – that they all receive the SAME message.

Makes me realise just how inappropriate social media can be.

I think a lot of these quotes can do more damage than good.

And I have been told, social media feeds unhealthy people the completely wrong message.


Takes wisdom to realise this ‘BIGGER PICTURE’.


Are many right wing, conservative Christians, just lacking IQ/EQ, or have Dark Triad Traits? Yes.

Makes perfect sense to me.

Of course they will all deny it.

I’ve seen it in action. The church I used to attend at North Pine Baptist Church, fit this perfectly.

Some being the lower IQ.

Some being the Dark Triad traits.

Neuroscience – is science and proving a lot now.

No empathy, no remorse, able to abuse and not care. Keeping the ‘flock’ at stage 3, like sheep. Using the Bible to control and manipulate people. The capacity to hurt others, and have no conscience about it.

Christians are no different to non Christians when it comes to these traits, or lower IQ/EQ – they just use God and Bible to justify it.


http://www.livescience.com/18132-intelligence-social-conservatism-racism.html Continue reading


I have the opposite problem of most Christians and society…

I deeply see how apathy, tolerance of harmful behaviours/attitudes, ignoring, avoiding, enabling etc……all help evil and harm occur in this world.

It is so deeply clear to me – that it is not the people who cause harm that are the main problem – but those who do nothing to stop it – that allow it to continue.

No-where has this been more evident for me so far, than within Christianity.

They get it all mixed up, they confuse compassion, mercy, grace…..with apathy, egocentric needs, laziness and cheap grace.


And this is not okay.

Society is the same, only slightly different, they don’t use God as the excuse.

I see all this so clearly and I do not want any part of it. To me, that is colluding with evil. Helping Satan.

And to be quite frank, that scares the crap out of me, to think I may be doing that in any way. I never want to be on ‘team Satan’ – and always want to be on ‘team Jesus’.

I have it constantly in my mind – do not give in to apathy and tolerating what is meant for evil.

What this means – is I will always be different to most people around me. Always have stronger views and see what people are doing and know it’s wrong.

Is patience/compassion with people, ignoring what they do wrong – just another form of apathy?


Continue reading


Labelling people’s behaviour, yes it can be healthy and unhealthy. It depends on the reason.

Society has a big issue with labelling and it can be very harmful. I don’t want to be called someone who is Complex PTSD, I am a human being, who has Complex PTSD.

For 40 years, I knew many people in my life had caused me harm, but had no way of putting into perspective what they did, why, what it meant in relation to how I view them and what it meant to how they thought about me.

Coming to terms that none of these people loved me, because they were incapable, and they made choices, to intentionally harm me, has been one of the most painful aspects of my healing. Because I loved nearly all of them. Some, I still love.

I believe part of healing, is to know about the people who caused harm. Many reasons, including to understand the abuse was never the victims fault and the shame, blame and guilt lies with the person who caused the harm. I have learned a lot, I am still learning, about personality disorders, traits, harmful behaviours, mental health and why people do what they do.

I do label people’s behaviours – people I know who have narcissism, sociopathic, psychopathic, paedophilia – why – because they are personality disorders/mental health disorders, that are pervasive over time – including lack of empathy or capacity to switch off empathy and lack of remorse, capacity to harm and already have, that will mostly, always be there.

I do fully see that amongst the harm these people cause – there will be times they are not harming people. They are not causing harm 24/7, 365 days per week. Continue reading


Jesus was the greatest empath who has lived…but He had boundaries.

At counselling with my doctor today, we were discussing the hurt and pain I feel seeing all the suffering in the world, like asylum seekers being treated badly and children having their parents taken off them, like knowing about the street children in Nepal and how badly abused they are and starving, and feeling a little of their pain.

Knowing millions of people are starving, recognising that I don’t know their level of suffering and how I desperately do not want that for them, which is all about deep empathy.

I said that Christianity doesn’t like to talk about empaths, however Jesus was an empath. My doctor agreed and said the difference is He had boundaries. And I know boundaries – is one of my weaknesses.

I also know I deal with the hurt and pain I feel for all these people suffering – by feeling angry at the people responsible – mostly being all the apaths.

How can they NOT care??????

Well, they just don’t. They are like teenagers, stuck in that teenage egocentric level of emotional intelligence and lack of empathy – and this just did not develop for them. Their lives are still ‘all about them’.

Suffering does in fact grow depth of wisdom and empathy, that cannot be developed in ease and comfort.

And with Christians – this goes along wit their stage 3 adolescent stage of faith, which most never get past too – where all they see is their lives, their own family and the church and the rules and regulations of being a Christian. And that’s it. Just like teenagers in school. Continue reading

Jesus wasn’t an enabler, apathetic, limp ‘let’s just love everyone’. Neither am I.

Far too many Christians, choose the softly softly let’s just ‘love’ everyone, or ignore what they do that harms others, or minimize it.


Because they are scared that they are not doing their ‘oh so lovely’ Christian duty.

Is this wise – absolutely not. So it is not ‘grace’.

Is this what Jesus modelled – absolutely not.

Jesus got angry, was emotional, told others who were doing wrong if they were causing harm – told them exactly what they were. Hypocrites, the devil. ‘Get behind me Satan’.

Now, I am not suggesting everyone should do this exactly, we are not Jesus.

But, neither will I be a weak, limp, ineffective, unwise, enabling Christian either. Continue reading