Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


We are all at different levels of conscious awareness. And it’s lonely, when awakened.

cjv

“We are all in different levels of conscious awareness.

It is rare to find people willing and capable of exploring their inner world, their subconscious, what drives their behaviours and emotions. Most never analysing if they are cognitively distorted and requiring the needed maturity and wisdom of growth.

Most people are only aware of their superficial conscious thoughts and needs and remain that way, all their lives.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Love listening to Meryl Streep, my favourite actor. Wisdom, depth & so funny!!

I am drawn to people who have wisdom within them, and she has always been one of my favourite actors.

I’ve read quotes that she has stated and I love her down to earth, non celebrity, wise soul personality. I love her empathy which is so clearly evident by her capacity to be so amazing and diverse in the characters she plays.

I’m watching her on Ellen, and she is so funny, so gracious and humble about her success. She doesn’t know how many awards she has won, is very surprised to be nominated for yet another Oscar, when no-one else is surprised.

It was good hearing her say she sent a big long email to her friend Emma Thompson, who wasn’t nominated and how sorry she was and how awful she felt and how Emma replied with ‘good’. Which Meryl thought was funny. She has empathy and a sense of humour – which I love.

I can tell the way she talks about everything, that she thinks deeply about things, what is around her and takes it all in. There is such a sense of wisdom and depth to her. And I know she has been described as being a wise old soul and that part of me, relates to her.

I love her mannerisms and how she uses her hands and her facial expressions and eyes when she talks. She is very endearing.

And to top it off – she is hilariously funny – the part at the end, had me laughing so much! 😀

I will watch it again when I feel down – because it will make me laugh.

She’s someone I could sit and talk to for hours and no doubt spend a lot of time laughing with too.


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EQ, Emotion Regulation…Apples & Oranges?

Part of EQ, is emotion regulation, control etc.

Now, I would be considered by some to have poor emotion regulation, because I am emotional, I react emotionally when triggered and my emotions can spiral down to feeling suicidal.

My husband (I will use him as an example), has had no abuse in his life, not even school bullying. He’s has no trauma outside of normal life experiences. He has a normal childhood. He’s relatively intelligent, has held down good jobs and is currently a police officer. he can remain calm and level headed, in situations involving others, at work etc.

But, when he is tired, or stressed, he can’t handle his emotions well. He becomes very grumpy, irritable, impatient, self focussed, egocentric. In an argument, he can’t handle his emotions well at all and he becomes passive aggressive and immature when needing to solve disputes.

So, considering his very normal life, this is not good emotion control. He admits he doesn’t control his emotions, when the issue is about himself, tired, his ego feels hurt. He also admits he doesn’t have much empathy, and this reduces to none, when in an argument, or when he is tired.

This is not what you would consider high EQ. It’s probably average. considering his life. Which I will call an apple.

Whereas, my life has been completely different, my life we’ll call an orange.

And as the saying goes, you can’t compare apples and oranges.

Considering how much abuse and trauma I have endured in my life, how I am continually exhausted, have PTSD, nightmares, anxiety etc – which is involuntary – I do pretty well at emotion control, most of the time.

I also have great depth of empathy and even in my own deep struggles, I can feel empathy for others. I am not ‘all about me’ and my own issues. That’s how I can help so many others. Not many can do this. Continue reading


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It is *very* frustrating, being able to see, what others cannot.

It is frustrating when you can see through into people’s heart’s – good and bad, and pick up on all the traits that show whether someone is lying, narcissistic, manipulative, devious, non genuine etc….

AND NO-ONE ELSE CAN!!!

And then hear what other people think and know they are being fooled.

And it is even more bloody frustrating when I know a situation is going to end badly AND NO-ONE WILL LISTEN, OR LISTENED WHEN I TOLD THEM!!!

My previous counsellor told me she knows how frustrating this is for me. It was good to have that validation. Continue reading


My doctor/counsellor said this TED speaker, reminded her, of me.

My doctor sent me this link and said this amazing survivor of abuse, reminded her of me, in the way she encourages others. This woman is also clearly very honest, very intelligent, and has a huge amount of courage to stand up and tell her story and help so many.

I don’t have schizophrenia, but we do share the challenges of being survivors of abuse, and have been affected in a way that many do not understand, do not realise does not affect high intelligence, or deep wisdom, and actually requires deep self honesty and massive courage to deal with. And we both feel compelled by compassion to help others as much as is possible, in the capacity we are able.

To be compared in any way to Eleanor though, doing all she does, being able to stand and talk in front of that massive crowd, is a huge compliment and one I do not feel worthy of, at all.

But, I also know my doctor would not have sent this link and sent the message with it, if she didn’t believe it and mean it.

It is very inspirational, to see Eleanor speak. She truly is amazing.


Many people don’t realise what respect actually means.

http://www.exposingtruth.com/7-things-everyone-know-respect/

Posted by Michael Thomas June 7, 2014

Respect is a complex issue, and lies at the heart of every movement for equality or against abuse. The primary struggle against racism, misogyny, and genocide are all directly related to the limited number of people who have taken the time to understand respect worldwide. Without respect, real love is not possible, and neither is a healthy culture or society.

I started my research and reflection for this text intent to write a female equivalent of my “10 things every guy should know,” which itself touches on some “feminist” topics (and I encourage anyone who likes this text to read it) . In my attempts to reach out to feminists and sociologists in my broader circle and at my university, I was essentially universally advised not to write it and the many of my requests for input were actually ignored or not answered whatsoever. The differing levels of respect I received from feminists when reaching out to write a text clearing up misconceptions about identity, gender roles, self-worth, and respect, led me to realize that respect is actually at the core of every issue I was seeking to cover.

So, I decided to compile my thoughts into a few (7) overarching points. This list is, of course, by no means exhaustive.

1. Respect means treating people as individuals

This is a really simple concept: accept that a person is a mix of what they have experienced (including where they come from), how they see/choose to see things, and where they want to go. We do not get to choose what we have been through or experienced, and we cannot define people solely through their past as much as we can define them solely through their ethnicity, looks, or gender.

Understanding people are individuals forces you to understand their actions as an expression of who they are (which, admittedly, is partially a product of social identity), and allows you to hold them (and not some group) responsible for it. Respecting people on an individual basis also allows you to better understand their behavior, and show deeper empathy.

2. Showing respect doesn’t always mean being nice

Respect excludes actions or expressions which seek solely to damage, but they in no way exclude criticism or critical thinking. Saying no to someone is almost certainly not going to please them, but respect for yourself and the other’s understanding of the world makes expressing and explaining your actual position more meaningful and respectful. This also means not punishing people for honesty, no matter what that honesty is.

Of course, timing and context are important, and must be considered in regard to honesty. There is a time and a place for every discussion, and many things are best discussed in a tighter circle (to allow the criticism to be accepted and not defended against in an effort to defend reputation). Avoiding answering a question is a right someone always has, and as a receiver of such an answer you should understand it is in fact more respectful than a lie.

That said, there is nothing respectful about tolerating another treating others with disrespect (denying their humanity, their value, and their potential): you set a positive precedent when you stand up in such instances. This will not immediately gain you respect, but an unwavering respect for life will gain you more respect long term than any financial accomplishments.
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My son’s empathic heart.

After spending time earlier upset then numb, due to not being the mother I want to be for my children…

My son told me this evening his teacher is putting his name down to be considered for student of the year, for being so kind often to a boy who is being bullied a lot.

I cried. I am such a sook. To know my children are growing with the one thing I want them to have the most – empathy – is so heart warming for me.

My son was bullied at a former junior school, for a few years and due to anxiety and the school dealing with it badly, we had to change schools and my son was instantly a much happier child and continued to be for the remaining 3 years of junior school.

The high school he started at this year, has a lot of students from that school where he was bullied, that have now filtered through to the high school and funnily enough it is those students that are bullying this child, that my son has been kind to. My son felt sorry for him, knowing what being bullied feels like and also because I talk with him about being kind to those who need it. Continue reading


I love keeping up with neuroscience. Empathy is uncommon, but needed.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/ashoka/2013/05/08/the-neuroscience-at-the-heart-of-learning-and-leading/

“The inescapable conclusion: it pays to care, widely and deeply.”

In short, when we work with human nature, and we take care of basic emotional needs, people perform better. Thus it’s a “no brainer” that we learn more about the brain and how to use this cutting edge science to inform the way we lead and live.

The article is worth reading.


Todays self esteem inducing comment :)

I continue my self esteem project – where I don’t just dismiss comments from others, and try to believe them, without developing ego and without losing humility.

Todays is…

“Hi Lilly, I love your page.

I write posts or notes and sometimes tag you in because I am sharing. Is there a better way to do this or is that okay.

This page is amazing and very healing. I do want to share more and I also love reading stories of others who share. It gives me strength.

Over ALL your pretty KICK-BUTT!!

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

I am so happy that there is a community out there that we can be apart of and connect. It warms my heart. Thank you.
❤ ❤ "


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I have a voice now. And if abuse is occurring, I will not be silent.

No apathy here.

No egocentric mind here.

No avoiding reality to keep life easy.

Just honesty, integrity, courage and a need to do right, even if it makes life uncomfortable.

I made a vow to never ignore abuse…..and I won’t.

And that is real empathy and compassion.

I would rather live with any stress by acting and have a clear conscience.

Than know I have walked away from people, who I could have helped.