Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

garden of eden

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’. Continue reading


No matter how confused I am…. this faith stuff is not going away ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.

I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.

I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.

I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.

I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.

So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.

I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.

I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.

I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.

I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.

I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.

Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?

Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?

I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.

My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.


But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him? Continue reading

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No longer a Christian – because I am not a hypocrite ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have made no secret of the fact that I have been very conflicted about my faith.

I cannot and will not ever reconcile a loving God, who allows suffering. Who allows children to suffer…. starve to death, be abused to death, to suffer over long periods of time.

I cannot accept this.

I no longer consider myself a Christian. I do believe in God, but I don’t believe in God being a pure, loving God.

I cannot be a hypocrite and say people who enable abuse are terrible people, and then say God – who does the same – is a good God.

I will never be okay with any being who allows children to suffer.

I am okay with other people being Christians…. as long as they do not try to tell me my truth is wrong. Because they do not get to demand their beliefs are the only answer – when they have absolutely no proof to back it up. Continue reading


Abandoning God, in the same way I was abandoned.

(This blog post is purely for my own journaling and not for commenting on).

My crisis of faith, has become an abandonment of my faith. I can no longer reconcile a loving God, with allowing so much suffering, abuse and pain in the world.

I am abandoning my faith, in the exact same way God abandoned me all the way through my childhood and most of my life. He let it all happen. He watched it all. He did nothing to stop it. He clearly did not care. Continue reading


Christianity… and suffering being good?

This post is purely for my own journaling, and not meant to reflect anyone’s else’s thoughts. Please do not read anymore, if confusion about God may be upsetting.

I’m definitely having a crisis of faith at the moment. I’m rambling in this post, because this is where my head is at – total confusion, fear, anxiety, stressed, and too many triggers.

I read an article by a Christian who believes we are meant to suffer and that is what God wants. In fact, he went on to say – the more we suffer – the more we are like Christ and therefore, we should rejoice in our suffering and thank God for it. And apparently we will be ‘greater rewarded in heaven’.

I can’t get my head around this type of thinking. It’s really bothering me. Because I’m scared it might be true…..? I’m also scared I will not find adequate answers to all this.

I don’t equate suffering – with love. I don’t equate abuse – with love. And it’s taken me years of really hard work to get to this point.

So why does God allow suffering, when He could stop it all? How does He watch something heinous – like a baby being abused to death, and not intervene? How does He allow paedophiles, serial rapists, serial killers – to keep carrying out their heinous abusive needs and not intervene? Just… you know watches….. and does….. nothing to stop it….?

Why did God create a world, where so much suffering would occur? Why did He create evil? Did He create evil? If He created everything – then He created evil/sin? Why? Why want to do that, knowing it would create suffering? Why knowing people would be starving to death. Children suffering to death.

It makes no sense to me. Not when you are supposed to reconcile that with a loving God.

Suffering and being thankful for it, seems to be a part of many Christian people’s beliefs. And also the reason many walk away from their faith. And I can see why – when it does appear that God allows us to suffer – and at the same time we are to worship Him. For letting us….. suffer? Huh!?

No wonder so many church people are abusive – to women, children, the congregation, LGBTIQ. It seems abuse is okay for many church people. After all it appears God models allowing His children being abused and not intervening. And suffering being good. So therefore, e.g. making our children suffer, is being Godly? Really? No wonder too many church people beat/hit their children and tell them ‘that’s love’. *shudder. No wonder they hate on the LGBTIQ community – that’s what they think God does too.

And you know the church belief many parrot – “if God brings you to it – he’ll bring you through it”. So in other words, whatever you endure, God wants to happen to you. It’s apparently all part of His master plan. That we are not to really understand. But should just accept.

I’m not good at accepting things that are red flags.

I’m not good at accepting things I do not understand.

And allowing abuse to happen – especially to children…. plus not intervening…… and telling abuse survivors they ‘needed’ to be abused and that abuse and suffering is good ………. are really fucking big red flags. That I am not able to ignore.

And I know, some people will say – you look at Jesus and what He modelled. Again – God let Jesus suffer. He allowed it. And we are to model Jesus. And want to be like Him……….. apparently including suffering like Him? And not intervening…?

I was thinking about this (I am every day at the moment) – and as I was scrolling through social media, a post about voluntary euthanasia came up. Now, I know most church people will be against this. They will say ‘God decides when we die, not us’. So again….. Continue reading


Faith as small as a mustard seed, is all that is needed…

(Blogs about my faith journey, are purely part of my own personal journey, and not intended to be a push of my faith to others in any way).

I went to church this morning. I haven’t been for a few weeks. I am struggling in my personal faith journey.

It was very interesting, as the sermon was all about struggling with faith. How faith as tiny as a mustard seed, and clinging on by your finger nails, is okay. Especially when you are someone who has so many questions, as is suffering through terrible issues.

It could not have been a more appropriate sermon, for me right now. And I realise this sermon was not only needed for me to hear, it was for all there who are struggling.

The sermon was delivered in a way, that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to have questions and to not understand what’s going on. In fact, it was said that the more questions you have, the greater your faith journey is.

Which was to good to hear….. because a mindless sheep I am not. I do have questions. Hard questions. Painful questions. I do have  hurt. And yet knowing this, I had a sense of peace come over me, that it is okay to feel this way. It was like God wanted me to know He hears my struggle, and it’s okay. Continue reading

‘Accepting compliments’ & a conversation about faith.

I have issues with accepting compliments. All trauma/abuse related. I usually wonder why people are complimenting me? What do they want from me? In my past, many people manipulated me with compliments  and so as a result, I am very wary of compliments. They can be very triggering.

But, I recognise, some people do actually genuinely mean what they say.

Today, at my ladies group, one lady described me as ‘very beautiful’ and someone who does not need makeup.

Compliments about my appearance, can be the most difficult to accept. I’ve been called many things about my appearance, good and bad. And all too often, the ‘good’ compliments, were said by abusive, manipulative people, who wanted to exploit/use me in some way.

I tend to shrug off compliments about how I look. Over the last few years, I’ve learned to be less concerned about the motivations of people giving me compliments. But, I don’t accept them either. I thank people, but inside the compliments are just dismissed.

I prefer people complimenting my values, character etc. That doesn’t have the same bad association – as compliments about my appearance.

But, today, this compliment was said by someone, who I had already discerned as someone who does not say anything she does not mean. She’s a lady in her 50’s, very well educated lady, clearly intelligent, confident and I always note her depth of conversation. And she does not strike me as someone who says things, without meaning it. There is no reason for her to try to manipulate me.

We also had a conversation between the two of us, about being Christians. Continue reading


‘Broken Places’ – Plumb

An amazing survivor, emailed me the link to this song and I really love it. I am so thankful.

I want to share it with others, who are struggling on this healing and faith journey ❤



Church this morning, was interesting…

I am definitely having a ‘crisis of faith’, as some would call it. Which is why I wrote my last post.

We’ve been attending a new church for the last couple of months. It’s been okay, nothing bad/weird has happened. The people seem nice and they leave me alone. Which is good, because my social anxiety issues are at an all time high, and my views about church people and how many handle issues involving abuse/abusers/victims of abuse/children’s safety – very badly – is continually on my mind. And I had decided to take this very slowly. Because church is not a safe place, for me.

In the time we have been going, I’ve been relieved to just have a few polite conversations here and there. And I’ve intentionally made no effort to get to know anyone. I’ve been happy to be left alone. And happy the children’s ministry is where I can see them. So they are not out of my sight.

Today, a woman I have spoken to a few times about youth club ministry, made a point of coming and sitting down and talking to me before the service started. She hasn’t done that before. And at the end of the service, the minister asked me twice, if I was okay. And I can tell she was concerned. As if she knew I am not okay. She hasn’t asked me before if I am okay. She also said she had sent me an email inviting me to an evening home group that is starting this week and also to a day time/weekday Bible study she is running soon.

It’s probably pure coincidence that suddenly people are talking to me and kindly offering to invite me to join in. I do see they are being friendly, welcoming and inviting me to get to know them. And I appreciate it.

But, it is interesting this has happened right at the point when I am stating I don’t believe God loves me and having this ‘faith crisis’.

Is it just coincidence, probably. But, who knows….

Am I going to go to these home group/Bible study groups…. Well part of me is saying absolutely not….church people, are the last thing I need right now.  And another part of me is saying yes I should and I should not dismiss people that I don’t even know…. based upon the actions of other church people. So even though I would like to avoid potential issues completely….. another part of me knows it’s not rational.

And I also have a need within me, as a parent, to know to seek other people my children will get to know. This is due to us not having any family where we live and I know my children are missing out. Not that I want people to be ‘family’ – because they are not. I gave up on that need in me to seek ‘family’ some time back. But, I have that need for other people, to be the closest thing my children will have to family. I’ve read that children need extended family, so Continue reading