What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’.

Faith as small as a mustard seed, is all that is needed…

(Blogs about my faith journey, are purely part of my own personal journey, and not intended to be a push of my faith to others in any way).

I went to church this morning. I haven’t been for a few weeks. I am struggling in my personal faith journey.

It was very interesting, as the sermon was all about struggling with faith. How faith as tiny as a mustard seed, and clinging on by your finger nails, is okay. Especially when you are someone who has so many questions, as is suffering through terrible issues.

It could not have been a more appropriate sermon, for me right now. And I realise this sermon was not only needed for me to hear, it was for all there who are struggling.

The sermon was delivered in a way, that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to have questions and to not understand what’s going on. In fact, it was said that the more questions you have, the greater your faith journey is.

Which was to good to hear….. because a mindless sheep I am not. I do have questions. Hard questions. Painful questions. I do have  hurt. And yet knowing this, I had a sense of peace come over me, that it is okay to feel this way. It was like God wanted me to know He hears my struggle, and it’s okay.

No anxiety when speaking within a new group setting.

I do not like having to speak in group settings. Especially when they are people I do not know. I get massive anxiety. I don’t like being the centre of attention in groups. I don’t like lots of people looking at me. I got married abroad twice, to avoid being centre of attention.

Yesterday, I went to a meditation with a friend. There was about 25 people. I didn’t know any of them, and the friend I went with, is a new friend I have not known long.

The meditation, was in a former church. There were stained glass windows, with the cross, the Bible and other Christian related images. The meditation people, were clearly Buddhist type people, and having studied Buddhism in the past, I know their language. But, I ignored that and focussed on my own faith. I know these people are probably good, nice  people, just not at the point/stage I am at, in spiritual journey.

The meditation was good. There was a guided body relaxation first, then a guided visualisation. That part was what I had expected. We were asked to visualise a guide as we walked through this path, and through doors, that all represented something in our life. My guide was Jesus. He was holding my hand, throughout this entire visualisation. And it was pretty powerful, particularly about emotions, of anxiety, anger, sadness.

After this, they had a ‘circle’ and everyone had to say their name and what they were doing over Easter. After that, there were two cards to read out. So, I had to speak out within this group, three times.

When I realised I would need to speak, I immediately felt the anxiety rocket. But, I decided to just remain calm, asked Jesus to help me with anxiety and rather than panic, just remain calm and speak. And I did. I spoke calmly, with some humour about eating too much chocolate.

No-one would have guessed I have anxiety about speaking in a group.

‘Broken Places’ – Plumb

An amazing survivor, emailed me the link to this song and I really love it. I am so thankful.

I want to share it with others, who are struggling on this healing and faith journey ❤

 

Interesting – most read posts – are about deep insight into different types of abusers.

I am aware I have deep insight into abusive people, due to having the need to study them since I was a child, to survive.

I stick to what I know about and don’t claim to have knowledge into anything outside of my own personal insight and research, psychology knowledge.

My insight is about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, spiritual/religious/church abusers.

I have been commended by many mental health professionals, on this insight. I’ve had many let me know, they direct people to this blog, to see my insight to help their clients understand what has happened to them.

I realise my life has gifted me into extensive understanding of abusers, why the do what they do, how they do it, why so many people don’t see it, and the damage their abuse causes and how to spot, detect them – which has proven very accurate, repeatedly.

My own doctor/counsellor and previous counsellor, have both stated my capacity to spot them and know what they are doing and why, is way beyond your average person. My doctor even confirming my capacity, is beyond hers. And confirming I have a very old soul, wise part of me.

I will be publishing about all this in the future, because I see it is a gift I have to offer others.

I want society to understand not to under-estimate abusers, their knowledge that what they do is wrong, the harm they cause and not to minimize any of this.

I am every immature church persons…..nightmare….especially for the men.

I realise that my challenging of so much I see within churches, is a freakin’ nightmare for many.

Especially all those who have been brought up in churches – where as children they are forced to have blind obedience and submission and of course ‘women must keep quiet’.

I do see, I am very problematic to all these deceived people, stuck at a very immature level of faith – at stage 3, where most will remain all their lives, very evidently leading to these mind controlled, sheep like people, who don’t challenge, don’t question, just accept, believe what they are told, like docile sheep.

I see the fact that I challenge the mind controlled issues many have, is very unusual to them – and they will not like this and I won’t create many friends.

But, you know, my faith, is the most important part of my life and I don’t intend to compromise that – to make friends with deluded, deceived church people.

I am way beyond that and just because they can’t understand that – is not my issue – it is theirs and it is their sin, to not challenge themselves and their thinking.

I know a ‘woman’ challenging men in conservative, right wing churches – is such a huge issue to them!!! Poor darlings, I know their ego’s get hurt by that and it threatens their need to be dominant and be ‘the man’.

One thing for sure North P. Baptist Church, taught me alot about ‘not’ to do.

I am not going to thank them – I don’t believe in thanking allowing evil to occur. That’s thanking Satan – and that’s never going to happen.

But, the best lessons to learn are always from bad occurring. And all the abuse occurring within that ‘church’ has sure highlighted to me so many issues that occur there and within other churches, especially in these abusive conservative, right wing, churches, who are not Biblical, not Godly.

And I have support about this.

There are SO many things I have learned, by personal experience and by watching them all in action.

And I ‘knew’ in my soul so much was wrong. Thank you Jesus ❤

It has equipped me with so much to be able to help others who have been abused by church people and that is because I am willing to learn and listen and wish to grow in God’s wisdom, and He knows that.

Podcasts….been thinking about recording stuff for a while…

Writing is definitely more my current ‘thing’, than verbalising stuff.

But, I am also a very chatty talker too. As anyone who knows me, will know.

So, I am wondering if Podcasts could be my next step in reaching out to more people.

Podcasts, recorded in the very real and raw way I write, could be something worthwhile considering.

Encouraging, inspirational ones, but also validating the pain and struggle of this journey, which I know, deeply.

I could also do faith ones and talk about my own personal understanding of God, from my place of further faith stage, than many Church people – now that would be pretty amazing. The perfect God part, not me.

I could record all I know about narcissism and sociopaths and how to heal from their abuse, due to my extensive experiences of enduring them.

And record my poems.

Something to really ponder on and pray about.

Just because I am strong enough to have endured it, does not mean I deserved it.

Just because I am strong enough to have endured severe, multiple, prolonged complex trauma/abuse..

Does not mean I ever deserved even a minute of it.

And no matter what I did, or didn’t do, it did not ever give anyone the right to abuse me.

No-one ever deserves abuse.

No matter what any abusive, or unhealthy people may say.

The abuse, was always a choice by the abusers.

A choice ‘they’ made. Their blame. Their guilt. Their shame. Whether to choose to own that or not.

I still need to remind myself of this, often.

To replace the old belief systems seared into my soul, by all the abusive people I have endured.

I would go to church, if they actually were ‘Bodies Of Christ’.

I am not shy in saying, I think many church people are as, or more messed up, than non church goers.

Too much ego, too much pride, too much asking for money, too much bickering, too many rules, too much religion, not enough wisdom, too much apathy, too much abuse, too much spiritual/emotional abuse, too much cheap grace, too much ‘you have to do this our way’, too much shallow crap, too much believing they are superior to others, too many ‘cliques’, far too many that are actually not Christians at all, too many pew warmers and don’t even get me started on the ministers.

Of course, each church will deny this.

I have neither the capacity, or the desire, to participate in all this.

Have I had great examples of churches and church people. No.

Do I think they are all this way. No.

I do think they are mostly only for average people, and not for those healing very traumatic lives – in my experience – church is the last place to go for that.

Do I have the energy, or the need to keep looking, until I find one, led by someone I can trust, where I will feel safe, feel my family is safe. No.

“Christianity’ is a mess. Anyone who believes differently, is deluded, in denial, very naïve, or brainwashed.

Most churches and church people are NOTHING, like they were in the 1st Century.

I am thankful there are some amazing, mature Christians, trying to help all the ones who have no clue.

But, I do not have the gifts right now, to do that. My healing, my PTSD, my family, preserving my life – are all more important than other people right now. And it is not selfish to say that.

Anyone who says that is wrong – are you God?