Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

garden of eden

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’. Continue reading


C.S Lewis was indeed, a very wise man. “Harmless as doves, wise as serpents”.

Christ never meant that we were to remain children in intelligence: He told us to be ‘as harmless as doves’, but also ‘as wise as serpents’.
~ C. S. Lewis

It is much needed to have deep discernment and insight, a mark of maturity and emotional intelligence. This requires stepping out of the egocentric self needs – that sadly society promotes as good and is encouraging, to keep many at an increasingly immature state. Where more darkness can occur and go unnoticed, or unchallenged.

Evil can increasingly occur, within increasing immaturity, ego and egocentricity.

Wisdom requires the capacity for honesty about self, and others.

Wisdom requires a capacity to know when we need to change our views, accept our sins and do what is fully required, to grow.

Wisdom requires the understanding of the human ego…that pesky critter that ruins many a person.

Wisdom requires we know will never be wise enough, for we will never be Jesus.

The more I learn and know, the more I know I don’t know and the more I need to learn.

I do not like today….it sure is testing my managment skills…

I don’t ‘do’ Halloween, but my son is going – for the first time – trick or treating with his friend…..after a big long talk about why certain aspects of Halloween and the glorifying of evil is not okay….His response “it’s okay mum, it’s just a bit of fun and getting lollies”.

I understand this is how a 12 years old thinks about it…….and that level of immaturity about Halloween, remains the same for many adults too….

It is just a bit of fun for most people…..but I still hate it. I know glorifying darkness, is not okay.

I know focussing on goodness

is what we always need,

not darkness.

Continue reading

I am researching spiritual abuse/perpetrator protecting within organised Christianity.

These links have given me a lot of food for thought.









I am every immature church persons…..nightmare….especially for the men.

I realise that my challenging of so much I see within churches, is a freakin’ nightmare for many.

Especially all those who have been brought up in churches – where as children they are forced to have blind obedience and submission and of course ‘women must keep quiet’.

I do see, I am very problematic to all these deceived people, stuck at a very immature level of faith – at stage 3, where most will remain all their lives, very evidently leading to these mind controlled, sheep like people, who don’t challenge, don’t question, just accept, believe what they are told, like docile sheep.


I see the fact that I challenge the mind controlled issues many have, is very unusual to them – and they will not like this and I won’t create many friends.

But, you know, my faith, is the most important part of my life and I don’t intend to compromise that – to make friends with deluded, deceived church people.

I am way beyond that and just because they can’t understand that – is not my issue – it is theirs and it is their sin, to not challenge themselves and their thinking.

I know a ‘woman’ challenging men in conservative, right wing churches – is such a huge issue to them!!! Poor darlings, I know their ego’s get hurt by that and it threatens their need to be dominant and be ‘the man’. Continue reading

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I am thankful my blogs about Pastor A. Allinson, show up at the top on google searches.

I am well aware there are many who would believe that exposing a pastor publicly, is wrong.

I disagree, he had every opportunity given to him to deal with this appropriately and privately – he made his choices to continue lying. And I know my heart in this, I know abuse has occurred over 2 years now, corruption has occurred and I have support about this.

I have deep levels of emotional courage and spiritual integrity. Something I am aware many church people don’t and won’t accept in others, but that doesn’t mean they are right.

I choose to know and see Jesus as my role model, not church people.

Abuse and false teachers should always be exposed and I do have the spiritual integrity and emotional courage to do this – because God is first and foremost in my life and God does not condone lies, abuse, lack of repentance, wolves in sheeps clothing and His word makes that VERY clear. Continue reading

Emotional maturity progression.

This all explains a lot to me, and I see how it ties in with the stages of faith too.

It further validates how I have continually felt like I am surrounded my immaturity.

Being an old soul and one with deep empathy, is not easy.

But, now I understand more of who I am and how most won’t understand who I am, and all my ‘quirks’ that are actually about my maturity and wisdom level of the old soul in me, I am starting to accept myself far more.

I am aware my faith understanding, is deep.

I see many church people’s attitudes and I see how far they are from what God wants for us.

I see rich church people, feeling entitled to be rich.

I see church people ‘doing their bit’ that eases their conscience.

I see Bible quotes used to hurt people.

I see cliques and inner circles.

I see them portraying God as a sociopath.

I see ministers putting themselves first.

I see fake Jesus’s being worshipped. Continue reading

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I have ‘woken up’ & all around I see people still asleep.

In fact, I was always half awake, due to all the abuse I endured. I had to see and know far more than any child should.

I’ve always seen so much and it has confused me, baffled me, disgusted me, astounded me – at how people can act the way they do – and actually think it is okay.

I tried to fit it, do as society did.

Now, I don’t.

So, I always was alone and always will be.

Awake, but alone.

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Podcasts….been thinking about recording stuff for a while…

Writing is definitely more my current ‘thing’, than verbalising stuff.

But, I am also a very chatty talker too. As anyone who knows me, will know.

So, I am wondering if Podcasts could be my next step in reaching out to more people.

Podcasts, recorded in the very real and raw way I write, could be something worthwhile considering.

Encouraging, inspirational ones, but also validating the pain and struggle of this journey, which I know, deeply.

I could also do faith ones and talk about my own personal understanding of God, from my place of further faith stage, than many Church people – now that would be pretty amazing. The perfect God part, not me.

I could record all I know about narcissism and sociopaths and how to heal from their abuse, due to my extensive experiences of enduring them.

And record my poems.

Something to really ponder on and pray about.