Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I’m So Scared I Have Serious Heart Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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My blood pressure health issues, are really scaring me. I’ve been saying for months there’s something wrong with me. But having it dismissed as trivial, led me to believe I ‘must’ be irrational.

Then I blacked out, and broke bones in my hand. And strangers to me – doctors in the hospital – were really concerned. My regular GP has arranged many tests and wants me to see a specialist – ASAP. And advised me not to wait on the public health system.

I’ve done a lot of research over the last 5 years. I know the damage toxic stress does to physical health. I know having PTSD all my life, increases my risk for heart disease and other issues – considerably.

I have genetic heart issues in my family.

I know my ongoing tiredness and exhaustion, are further symptoms.

I’m terrified I will need heart surgery, or will have a heart attack, stroke. Die. My children will lose their mother and lose the parent that genuinely loves and cares about their wellbeing.

And I’m not going to feel that’s wrong. I’m allowed to be worried about potential life threatening health issues. I’m allowed to be scared.

A very kind therapist has been offering me support about this, via messages. She understands and had validated my fears, whilst also re-assuring me of all the heart surgeries done every day and how amazing the technologies and procedures are these days. I’ve really appreciated her kindness.

I’m trying to take my mind off it. And everything else that’s horrible, going on in my life. It’s why my internet use has increased, and I’m also Continue reading


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Fear & Panic Lead to Irrational Self Protection Mode…

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Something the last few weeks have taught me (I always try to learn from all experiences)…. is that when I am struggling, I can still revert to self protection mode, that is not always rational.

A perfect example – listening to my counsellor speaking about mental health on a recording I found online. (I’ve blogged about this). I listened to one tiny beginning part ….. heard things that seemed shocking and totally unexpected. I panicked and didn’t listen to anymore, through complete fear I would hear more that would be horrible to hear.

What I heard, also played into my awareness of the issues many church people have of the way they view mental health. Having already been spiritually abused by church people…. I was in a state of shock to hear what I assumed to be the same attitude from my own counsellor. Who I would never have assumed, would have the same abusive attitude.

Fear. Panic. Often can lead to irrational thinking and coping behaviours.

So, in my already low overwhelmed state, I immediately went into panic, walls up, protection mode fully on. I didn’t ask her what she meant by the words I heard. I didn’t listen to the rest of the talk, because I had too much fear of hearing more that would shock me. I just completely assumed she had the same abusive attitude towards mental health, as many church people have.

I confronted her, in a state of mind that was not rational, or willing to listen, because I was so hurt that this woman who I had trusted more than anyone else, believed horrible things, that meant I could not and should not trust her. I’m not good at confrontation. It’s something I find difficult. Probably because all my life – any confrontation that I tried with people who were definitely doing harm – got me more hurt. So I am pretty bad at confrontation – especially when really hurt and fear is motivating my thinking.

I was wrong. Really wrong.

And I am willing to admit when I am wrong. I feel really bad for how I reacted and spoke to her. It doesn’t sit well with me, to treat anyone inappropriately. No matter the reasons. Continue reading


Mindful, of not needing my existence, to be dependent on validation/acceptance of others.

We all need validation from those around us. It is a basic human need to feel loved, cherished, wanted and validated as to who we are as person.

For those of us, who have never found this, or had such huge trust issues that we cant’ accept this (it can be both), this can feel even more of a search and need.

I was chatting with an amazingly intelligent and gifted mental health survivor recently. He has severe mental health issues, but is also incredible intelligent and has had huge success with his first book. He is very honest that he needs this connection with others, to feel this validation, and to be a success. I know he had an abusive childhood, with severe abuse, including sexual abuse. Continue reading


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I wonder what it’s like to feel ‘safe’.

Feeling safe, is a basic human need. I have never had this.

I’ve never felt safe.

I didn’t feel safe at all, during the first 20 years of my life.

I didn’t feel safe during the next 20 years of my life, which is why I suppressed everything.

Since the age of 40, and having my PTSD breakdown, I have felt very unsafe.

I still feel unsafe, for multiple reasons. PTSD, so anxiety, hyper vigilance etc. Inner child fears. Dissociative stuff, along with suicidal thoughts.

I have never had a feeling of ‘safety’.

Ever.


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Poem – No Relationship Safe Enough ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Poem – No Relationships Safe Enough

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario

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Vulnerable and fragile

Unsafe and scared

Residing in emotions

My inner child endures

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No-one safe enough

So she stays withdrawn

Fearful of being hurt

All her wounds still raw

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Everyone will hurt her

She knows not to trust

Any hint of danger

She runs and hides Continue reading


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I have never had a relationship ‘safe enough’.

I am aware, in order to heal, this is a necessity.

I’ve just read Pete Walkers section in his book, meant for professionals, that many survivors of childhood complex trauma, have never had a ‘safe enough’ relationship.

I see clearly how real, deep healing requires this.


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So weary from a lifetime of horrendous nightmares.

43 years of abuse and a life time of nightmares, keeping me locked in the pain of my past.

‘Leave it in the past’ people say.

Yeah sure, would love to, please let me know when you have a miracle cure to stop my brain involuntarily making me re-experiencing horrendous abuse.

PTSD is so fucking cruel.

I really don’t want to remember being forced from the age of 9, to perform sexual acts, having my child body being violated, by an old man paedophile. Continue reading


The most scary quote ever….for me now.

This quote raises my anxiety, just reading it. And if I start to think about it, my anxiety shoots up.

I believe this quote, is about being able to receive love, not about giving love.

I can give love, without allowing anyone close enough to me, to destroy me.

I’ve been destroyed, many times over. By people who claimed to ‘love’ me.

It isn’t going to happen anymore. Continue reading


Really bad memories, caused by music. The Cure – Lullaby.

Watching a TV program tonight and this song came on.

Immediately my mind jumped straight into truly horrific memories.

Some people give in to such evil that makes them want to harm others in truly evil, torturous ways.

I used to listen to the radio constantly whilst in captivity and I used to record all the songs on tape, that I liked and listened to them over and over and over. They were my only company. My only friends. Music helped me survive.

This song was a reflection of the perverse, darkness I was trapped within.

The Cure made very dark music.

And I know this was at the height of my suicide ideation coping. Death was my ‘get out’ way of ending the pain, that he didn’t have control over. I had control and I could end it if I needed to and he couldn’t make me suffer anymore.

I researched this song and found out it is about a child being sexually abused. I instinctively knew it was about abuse and that is why I related to it as teenager and the current situation I was in. Well in fact related to my childhood, as I was always surrounded by darkness, I just didn’t understand why, then. Now I do.