Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Massive anxiety…at saying something my mother used to say.

I am thankful that I don’t say things my mother used to say, I am nothing like my mother.

But, I just said something that she said and I remember it vividly – visual and emotional flashback of it.

I just told my kids off (calmly), for using my sewing scissors for craft – the ones I use for cutting material.

I remember so clearly my mother really shouting at me for doing the same thing as a child, because she was so annoyed with me, because I used her scissors. I was probably about 9, or 10. Being scared of her, this was obviously a time when I was anxious that she would punish me emotionally, as she always did. I always tried to keep the peace, pacify her, keep her happy, do anything she wanted and not ‘awaken the beast’.

I always had a lot of anxiety and fear of my mother getting nasty and she knew this. She deliberately created this, for my compliance, for power and control over me. I was the sensitive one, the eldest and I was the easy prey for her.

My anxiety is massive right now.

Unmet childhood needs, can haunt an entire adulthood.

I have self insight and a capacity to work out what is going on in my subconscious thoughts, as well as conscious.

It is not common. I am aware, most people are not insightful, or courageous, or honest enough, to explore the inner workings of their subconscious, and evaluate the behaviours that come from this.

Such honesty and courage, to share this, with others, is not common either. I do this, at the risk of ridicule of others. So be it. It’s not like I am not used to ridicule, having endured it all my life.

I am aware I do not need to be ashamed of this. Continue reading

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Flashbacks to suicidal times, in my teens?

During my teens, between the age of 13-20, I was suicidal, and tried to end my life at least twice that I remember, and I really wanted to die. The pain of abuse, was overwhelming and my capacity to cope and think about the value of my life, was that of a teenager.

I know teenagers become more suicidal, due to the immaturity of their brains and minds, that are unable to process pain and abuse, as an adult can. Which is why there are so many deaths of teenagers, due to bullying and suicide.

Particularly during the captivity abuse in my late teens, I suffered suicide ideation, as the abuse was so severe.

From the age of 20-40, I was not suicidal, and didn’t suffer suicide ideation. Despite times of abuse occurring, in my 1st marriage, being attacked in the park at knife point and the continuing abuse from my family. And I had PTSD all along, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, avoiding, suppressing.

Once my ‘breakdown’ occurred, which was worsened by abuse from a pastor and church, my suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts came back. Along with all the PTSD symptoms increasing dramatically, being unable to function highly and being unable to work etc. Plus all Complex PTSD symptoms of emotion regulation etc.

Now, I absolutely know, the Baptist church abuse crap, and in fact all of the abuse I have endured, is not worth me ending my life. As my doctor stated yesterday in an email, I am worth so much more than that. Continue reading


So weary from a lifetime of horrendous nightmares.

43 years of abuse and a life time of nightmares, keeping me locked in the pain of my past.

‘Leave it in the past’ people say.

Yeah sure, would love to, please let me know when you have a miracle cure to stop my brain involuntarily making me re-experiencing horrendous abuse.

PTSD is so fucking cruel.

I really don’t want to remember being forced from the age of 9, to perform sexual acts, having my child body being violated, by an old man paedophile. Continue reading

Really bad memories, caused by music. The Cure – Lullaby.

Watching a TV program tonight and this song came on.

Immediately my mind jumped straight into truly horrific memories.

Some people give in to such evil that makes them want to harm others in truly evil, torturous ways.

I used to listen to the radio constantly whilst in captivity and I used to record all the songs on tape, that I liked and listened to them over and over and over. They were my only company. My only friends. Music helped me survive.

This song was a reflection of the perverse, darkness I was trapped within.

The Cure made very dark music.

And I know this was at the height of my suicide ideation coping. Death was my ‘get out’ way of ending the pain, that he didn’t have control over. I had control and I could end it if I needed to and he couldn’t make me suffer anymore.

I researched this song and found out it is about a child being sexually abused. I instinctively knew it was about abuse and that is why I related to it as teenager and the current situation I was in. Well in fact related to my childhood, as I was always surrounded by darkness, I just didn’t understand why, then. Now I do.


I can identify my emotional triggers/flashbacks, quickly.

Emotional flashbacks and triggers to them, are harder to identify and manage than visual flashbacks. In visual ones you know it’s about the past, because you have a picture of the trauma.

When strong emotions occur, that are not needed for the current situation, or are exaggerated for the current situation, then I know emotional flashbacks are occurring.

It doesn’t mean the situation that triggered this is not an issue. I easily pick up on ‘wrong’ things and red flags and this is accurate discernment, but my emotional level is sometimes more than is needed.

This happened just now.

Someone on Twitter, told me I am not doing enough and I need to get back to helping the way she needs. Considering how much time I spend on ‘helping’ others, a min of 8 hours a day, writing, sharing encouraging, validating, managing a FB group, Twitter, my Blog here and my Website – no-one healthy could ever accuse me of not doing enough. And I am a healing survivor myself and I am a wife and mother too.

But these comments hurt. I felt like I wanted to cry. An emotional flashbacks to being told I am not good enough. Only good enough to be treated badly, abused, hurt, lied to.

I know 100% intellectually that I do way more than I need to, in helping others. It isn’t what everyone needs and I am okay with that. What I do, can’t help everyone and I am okay with that too. Continue reading

Nightmare, I can’t remember, but symptoms and hives are there.

Had a nightmare last night, I know because I woke up feeling fear, anxiety and although I can’t remember what it was about, I know my symptoms well enough to know what’s happening.

I have hives all up my arms, and I am sat in my home, my safe place.

My subconscious mind, deep memory and my PTSD knows when something is wrong – even when I can’t consciously know what is happening.

Hard to explain to people, but I know what’s happening.

When I am feeling fear, stress, anxiety and have hives, that is not rational for my current situation – like sat in my home – I know it’s PTSD, memory, trauma related.

It happens quite a lot.

So, I’m just taking it easy, husband is watching a DVD with the kids and I am doing my usual trauma response of freeze/fawn – absorbing myself in music and my laptop, providing info and support to others, distracting myself from the emotions going on within me.

I understand trauma responses and PTSD, well.

“Crawling In My Skin”

A song, I deeply relate to, the severe abuse from a psychopath, in captivity, as his sex object.

The flashbacks, the fear, the dissociation I have now, too.


Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling. I can’t seem…

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure


Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It’s haunting how I can’t seem…


[Chorus] Continue reading