Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Those that focus on the importance of forgiving your aggressor while you are still hurting are aggressors, too ~ Jeff Brown

“Make no mistake.

Those that focus on the importance of forgiving your aggressor while you are still hurting are aggressors, too.

They too are channeling their unresolved material in your direction. They too are denying your value and trivializing your suffering.

Many who preach forgiveness are merely bypassing their own unprocessed victimhood.

Trauma survivors in denial, they need you to artificially forgive, so that they can turn off the tap of their own remembrance.

If they can jump you to premature-forgiveness, they no longer have to see the reflection of their own unprocessed pain in you.

It’s the most dangerous game of all- to invite forgiveness of other, before a victim has been truly seen in their woundedness, before (s)he has truly moved through an organic process.

If you have been wounded, you have been wounded. It’s that simple. And you won’t heal it, and the world won’t evolve beyond its hurtful ways, if we sweep that truth under a bushel of forgiveness.

The heal is for real.”
~ JEFF BROWN


1 Comment

‘Unburdening’ – is a far more appropriate term, than forgiveness ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

1400x1050-pale-turquoise-solid-color-background-003

For an excellent and empathic article written by a trauma therapist – who uses the term ‘unburdening’….. see this link

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-i-dont-use-the-word-forgiveness-in-trauma-therapy-0120164


4 Comments

When the first interaction from a religious person…. is about forgiveness. *sigh.

Religious people, can be very tunnel visioned, very black and white and very lacking in empathy, or understanding about trauma. They also often feel very compelled and entitled, to shame you, for not being a ‘good enough Christian’…. by shaming you about forgiveness, grace etc.

I have come to realise, if the first interaction on social media with a religious person, is about forgiveness, I know I am dealing with someone unhealthy.

So, I utilise the block facility on Twitter. I don’t entertain unhealthy, dysfunctional religious people anymore.

You cannot reason, with people who choose not to have rational, empathic or reasonable thinking.

If shaming people about forgiveness, is your thing….. you are not welcome in my life, in any way. You are not going to make my followers feel shamed, by toxic religious and spiritual abuse. Continue reading


16 Comments

How People Use ‘Forgiveness’ To ‘Shame’ Abuse Survivors ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

DSC_1162-006.JPG

I see this occurring, all too often.

Religious people, can be the worst for this. I’ve heard many toxic and abusive statements, like ‘God won’t forgive you of your sins, if you don’t forgive your abusers’, ‘all sins are equal’. ‘I’ve forgiven, so should you’. Plus Buddhists deem you will get your ‘karma’ for not forgiving everyone of everything. They lord forgiveness over you as something if you do not have for everyone, makes ‘you’ the bad person. It really does become a big ego fest.

And this is all highly abusive.

This is all ‘shame-shifting’.

The only person that does need to feel shame, is the abuser. They do need to feel appropriate shame about their actions. They do need to feel remorse about the harm they caused. They need to seek to do what is necessary, to deal with it appropriately. Like be honest and tell the truth. Be honest about their motivations.

And if they did all this, they would not expect or demand anything from the victim. They would know the victim needs to deal with their healing, how the victim needs. They would know the victim is absolutely entitled to feel anger, rage, disgust and needs to grieve.

No-one gets to demand forgiveness.

No-one gets to demand, their interpretation of forgiveness.

No-one gets to demand reconciliation, or any further contact with the abuser.

Some things like child sexual abuse, can appropriately be deemed unforgiveable. Continue reading


This breaks my heart. Forgiveness, should never be ‘demanded’ by abusers, or the victim ‘shamed’ into forgiving.

This was a post to my page, and I was in tears thinking of the pain this survivor is enduring.


FORGIVING!!!! 50 yrs have past now since my sexual abuse and I still suffer from it.

My perpetrator begged me for my forgiveness, he cried and cried and said he felt like ending his life because he felt so awful about what he had done to me. I was 13 and the abuse had ended when I was 9. I was too terrified of him to even consider forgiving him.

When I was 18 and married I told him never to come to my house drinking again. Six to eight weeks later my father did commit suicide. And I had NOT forgiven him because I was still terrified.

So now, I live daily with the PTSD from the abuse and the thoughts that had I found that forgiveness for him then that he may be alive now.

Many will read my post and think I am really twisted in the head, but he was my Daddy and despite all he had done I still loved him.


This was my response, which I hope helped… Continue reading


The issue of forgiveness….for abusers.

I posted this to my page.
***Trigger Warning*** This is about forgiveness.

This topic may be emotive for some.
Please feel free to bypass, if this is something that may cause you distress.


 ~~~The issue of forgiveness~~~

I do not preach forgiveness, even though I am a Christian. And here’s why…

Whether someone needs to consider forgiveness for abusers, is a very personal issue and one I do not believe anyone has a right to demand, or shame people into.

I believe that to heal, we need to concentrate on ‘ourselves’ – nothing to do with the abusers.

I believe that adding ‘forgiveness’ into the healing process too soon, is very damaging. And who is to know when that time is right for others, if ever?

I also believe ‘forgiveness’ for abusers, is not what many assume it has to be. To me, it is not about having to have nice feelings and thoughts about them, not about needing reconciliation, not about excusing or justifying their abuse, not about minimizing the harm they caused, it does not mean you cannot go to the police or appropriately expose them, it does not mean you cannot be angry and grieve, it is not about keeping it a secret for their benefit, or the family/org/church’s image/reputation, it is not about suppressing needed and rightful emotions. These things are all manipulations and further abuse to the victim/survivor.

I won’t tell you – you ‘have’ to forgive. I have no right to say that to you. No-one does.

I am not you, I don’t know where you are at in your healing, I don’t want to damage your healing, or shame you. That would be wrong of me and it is wrong of anyone else.

Continue reading


Forgiveness – by Pete Walker. I could not agree with this more.

 

I cannot believe when reading this today, that this is EXACTLY what I have been blogging about!!! Exactly!!!

I do NOT believe that you can even entertain the concept of forgiveness, until you have fully processed and fully grieved, the horrific trauma, and all the severe emotions that come with being abused by parents and those we love(d).

And this is exactly why religious people in particular, damage people’s healing, and abuse people further, with their forced forgiveness. And I see that VERY clearly and why they need to shut up!

Wow!! it is amazing, how much Pete Walker and I are on the same page, when it comes to complex trauma.

From Pete Walkers Website @ http://www.pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm

Forgiveness – Begins With The Self

There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate “guidance” put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover.

Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive. This is because premature forgiving intentions mimic the defenses of denial and repression. They keep unprocessed feelings of anger and hurt about childhood unfairnesses out of awareness.

Real forgiveness is quite distinct from premature forgiveness. It is almost always a byproduct of effective grieving and no amount of thought, intention or belief can bring it into being without a descension into the feeling realms. Conversely, cognitive and philosophical structures unreceptive to the possibility of forgiveness, sometimes block the access to forging feelings, even when such feelings are present. It might be that the most healthy cognitive position concerning forgiveness is an attitude that allows the possibility of its occurrence on the other side of extensive grieving.

This attitude will work best if it includes the condition that feelings of forgiveness will not be forced or falsely invoked to cover up any unresolved feelings of hurt or anger. In this vein, it is also especially important to note that certain types of abuse are so extreme and damaging to the victim that forgiveness may simply not be an option. Examples of this include sociopathy, conscious cruelty, and many forms of scapegoating and parental incest.

Continue reading


Posts to my page, I want to keep. 10th August 2014

“I’m thankful my brain has the capacity for mild dissociation. The ability to feel ‘numb’ at times – helps me deal with the pain. I couldn’t bear constant pain – to the level I experience.

But, I do need to manage the numbness. It is far too tempting to remain there permanently, lost in a zone of nothingness.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t believe being highly suspicious about everyone’s motives, is a particularly good trait.

But, I have self compassion for why I am. When you have endured abuse and betrayal, it forces you to have to be so suspicious, to keep yourself safe from any further harm.

Because the harm already endured, hurt so deeply and the mind, heart, body and soul remembers this.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~The issue of forgiveness~~~

I do not preach forgiveness, even though I am a Christian. And here’s why…

Whether someone needs to consider forgiveness for abusers, is a very personal issue and one I do not believe anyone has a right to demand or shame people into.

I believe that to heal, we need to concentrate on ‘ourselves’ – nothing to do with the abusers.

I believe that adding ‘forgiveness’ into the healing process too soon, is very damaging. And who is to know when that time is right for others, if ever?

I won’t tell you – you ‘have’ to forgive. I have no right to say that to you. No-one does.

I am not you, I don’t know where you are at in your healing, I don’t want to damage your healing, or shame you. That would be wrong of me and it is wrong of anyone else. Continue reading