Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Those that focus on the importance of forgiving your aggressor while you are still hurting are aggressors, too ~ Jeff Brown

“Make no mistake.

Those that focus on the importance of forgiving your aggressor while you are still hurting are aggressors, too.

They too are channeling their unresolved material in your direction. They too are denying your value and trivializing your suffering.

Many who preach forgiveness are merely bypassing their own unprocessed victimhood.

Trauma survivors in denial, they need you to artificially forgive, so that they can turn off the tap of their own remembrance.

If they can jump you to premature-forgiveness, they no longer have to see the reflection of their own unprocessed pain in you.

It’s the most dangerous game of all- to invite forgiveness of other, before a victim has been truly seen in their woundedness, before (s)he has truly moved through an organic process.

If you have been wounded, you have been wounded. It’s that simple. And you won’t heal it, and the world won’t evolve beyond its hurtful ways, if we sweep that truth under a bushel of forgiveness.

The heal is for real.”

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‘Unburdening’ – is a far more appropriate term, than forgiveness ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


For an excellent and empathic article written by a trauma therapist – who uses the term ‘unburdening’….. see this link



When the first interaction from a religious person…. is about forgiveness. *sigh.

Religious people, can be very tunnel visioned, very black and white and very lacking in empathy, or understanding about trauma. They also often feel very compelled and entitled, to shame you, for not being a ‘good enough Christian’…. by shaming you about forgiveness, grace etc.

I have come to realise, if the first interaction on social media with a religious person, is about forgiveness, I know I am dealing with someone unhealthy.

So, I utilise the block facility on Twitter. I don’t entertain unhealthy, dysfunctional religious people anymore.

You cannot reason, with people who choose not to have rational, empathic or reasonable thinking.

If shaming people about forgiveness, is your thing….. you are not welcome in my life, in any way. You are not going to make my followers feel shamed, by toxic religious and spiritual abuse. Continue reading


How People Use ‘Forgiveness’ To ‘Shame’ Abuse Survivors ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


I see this occurring, all too often.

Religious people, can be the worst for this. I’ve heard many toxic and abusive statements, like ‘God won’t forgive you of your sins, if you don’t forgive your abusers’, ‘all sins are equal’. ‘I’ve forgiven, so should you’. Plus Buddhists deem you will get your ‘karma’ for not forgiving everyone of everything. They lord forgiveness over you as something if you do not have for everyone, makes ‘you’ the bad person. It really does become a big ego fest.

And this is all highly abusive.

This is all ‘shame-shifting’.

The only person that does need to feel shame, is the abuser. They do need to feel appropriate shame about their actions. They do need to feel remorse about the harm they caused. They need to seek to do what is necessary, to deal with it appropriately. Like be honest and tell the truth. Be honest about their motivations.

And if they did all this, they would not expect or demand anything from the victim. They would know the victim needs to deal with their healing, how the victim needs. They would know the victim is absolutely entitled to feel anger, rage, disgust and needs to grieve.

No-one gets to demand forgiveness.

No-one gets to demand, their interpretation of forgiveness.

No-one gets to demand reconciliation, or any further contact with the abuser.

Some things like child sexual abuse, can appropriately be deemed unforgiveable. Continue reading

This breaks my heart. Forgiveness, should never be ‘demanded’ by abusers, or the victim ‘shamed’ into forgiving.

This was a post to my page, and I was in tears thinking of the pain this survivor is enduring.

FORGIVING!!!! 50 yrs have past now since my sexual abuse and I still suffer from it.

My perpetrator begged me for my forgiveness, he cried and cried and said he felt like ending his life because he felt so awful about what he had done to me. I was 13 and the abuse had ended when I was 9. I was too terrified of him to even consider forgiving him.

When I was 18 and married I told him never to come to my house drinking again. Six to eight weeks later my father did commit suicide. And I had NOT forgiven him because I was still terrified.

So now, I live daily with the PTSD from the abuse and the thoughts that had I found that forgiveness for him then that he may be alive now.

Many will read my post and think I am really twisted in the head, but he was my Daddy and despite all he had done I still loved him.

This was my response, which I hope helped… Continue reading