I protect my vulnerability and fragility, fiercely.
I am aware, this means I don’t trust people.
I am aware when people show me anything that signals as a red flag, I shut down and they become someone who resides on the list of people I cannot be vulnerable with.
So far, everyone is on that list.
I am also aware, due to human weakness we all have, everyone I meet, will always end up on that list.
My trust issues…..are also huge issues and barriers, for my healing process.
My needy inner child
Desperately searches for
What she never had
Scared to her core
To face and know
You cannot be
What I need
For the child in me
Words I fear
You are in my heart
This pain severe
To let go
And lose these dreams
Of the search ending
Fragile, unheard screams
I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.
I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.
I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.
It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.
Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart. Continue reading
So many people say vulnerability, feeling scared, feeling fragile are all so wrong.
Well, in society terms I am a failure, weak and pathetic.
But, I am honest.
And this is how I feel, increasingly.
Or maybe, not increasingly, but I just acknowledge it more.
I feel it a lot. I feel unsafe.
I have most of my life.