Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I’ve always been an introvert, trying to be an extrovert, due to deep loneliness.

I’ve only recently worked out that I have always been an introvert, trying to be an extrovert, due to being deeply lonely.

I’ve always talked too much, due to anxiety. I partied to numb the pain. I lived life on full throttle, to avoid the pain. I did a lot that was due to numbing the pain and loneliness within me.

Now, I am what I am. I am happiest at home, writing, working, helping others, pursuing my calling, my passion, seeking wisdom, healing.

I trust very few and open up to even fewer.

If I make time for you in my life, I really care about you.

I don’t need many people.

But they need to be genuine, interesting, empathic, honest. If they aren’t, I will not get close to them anymore.

When you change, grow, are honest, courageous…you lose people.

I posted this onto my peer support page, because I know so many will relate to this. And they do.

So many reasons why this occurs.

Being honest about having PTSD.

Being honest about feeling suicidal.

Growth, beyond those in your life.

No longer being interested in what most people are…materialism, consumerism, image, body image, money…etc.

Being courageous in stating the truth, which people don’t like/want to hear. Continue reading


People who ‘throw me a bone’ occasionally, actually expect me to believe it’s genuine.

A post to my page….

I lost most people from my life, when I decided to be open about having PTSD.

Most people, for a variety of different reasons, either disappeared, or rarely get in touch.

Sometimes, they send a message, which I think often is more about ‘their’ need to just feel like they have done their duty, than actually about caring about me.

I thank them, but it means little to me.

Real friends who really cared, would be there all the way through, not on the odd occasion.

Do you have people, who you thought were friends, who ‘throw you a bone’ now and again, and expect you to believe that is genuine? Continue reading

Future friends, will know nothing about my past, or my complex PTSD.

I have absolutely given up on the hope of ever having people in my life, friends, who accept my past, my Complex PTSD, and do not hurt me, as a result.

I do get it. Most people don’t understand my life, or what I deal with daily. They can’t. And they don’t have to. Why should they? They don’t want nasty trauma stuff infiltrating their lives. They don’t want to have to think about someone feeing suicidal. I get it. I don’t blame them. They want nice, comfortable lives. That is okay.

I don’t want this fucked up shit in my life either.

So, as I am now in a position, where I cannot take anymore hurt about this, as I am dealing with a life threatening disorder, I do not intend to tell anyone, ever again.

I tried, twice with different churches and church people, and got burned. Some intentional, some not.

But their ‘intentions’ does not matter. It is the effect on me that matters. And the effect, can be life threatening.

It doesn’t matter that they didn’t ‘mean’ to hurt me. The fact is they did and it makes me suicidal. End of. No that’s not their fault at all, but that doesn’t matter either.

I’m not throwing myself under the bus anymore.

I’ve been hurt too much, by too many. And the cumulative damage is beyond my capacity to endure.

I get it’s not text book psychology advice – that focusses on finding support that does accept you for all of who you are.

But, that is not reality. That is rose coloured glasses viewing of society being people who can have more insight and compassion, than most are capable of. Or assuming I can handle any hurt and suddenly not feel it anymore. Not reality either.

I know some people do find this kind of support – and I am deeply thankful for that, it is the best outcome. And I am so happy for people who have good support.

And I have tried.

I am done trying.

So, when I am ready, I will get back out there, I will probably volunteer somewhere as that is important to me, get to know people and they will believe I am just some woman, who is a bit kooky sometimes, just like everyone else in the past thought. Life was easier then. Continue reading

Meeting up with a friend tomorrow and really looking forward to it.

I haven’t been out much over the last few months, PTSD symptoms and isolating stuff pretty bad, hives, anxiety.

A lovely friend contacted me and asked about catching up tomorrow, which was such good timing, because I have been feeling so much better yesterday and today and feel up to getting out.

I know when things are ‘up’ to make the most of it, as it may not stay that way, as severe abuse related PTSD often cycles around and as new memories and new and deeper understand about the severe abuse I have endured, means I am so low at times and it takes time for me to recover.

So, I am going to take this opportunity to get out, interact in the world, talk to my friend about what’s happening with her in her life and connect.

Really looking forward to tomorrow!