Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

garden of eden

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’. Continue reading

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No matter how confused I am…. this faith stuff is not going away ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am very upfront about all I am going through in my journey, and I have made no secret of the confusion and pain I feel about my faith.

I don’t understand how God can let so much suffering go on, and call that love. It feels like abuse and I am someone who cannot tolerate abuse – and call it love. And that is actually healthy for me. Knowing abuse of any kind is not love…. has been a part of my healing.

I do understand God is beyond my human understanding and that is something that keeps coming into my mind. And no matter how much I try to suppress any thoughts about God and Jesus – I can’t keep them suppressed. I can’t avoid them. I can’t dissociate from them. And I have tried really fucking hard.

I just have this nagging awareness of Jesus that I can’t ignore any longer.

I’m not saying my faith in God is now good and my understanding of why God chooses to create a world where He knew so much suffering would go on – and for so long, I am okay with. I’m not. I have no idea or understanding of why God would create this shitty fucking world with so much suffering.

So for now, I am just going to sit with this awareness I have of Jesus in my life……….. and that nagging feeling that He is not giving up on me, even though I have given up on Him.

I also think that if God is this all loving perfect God – then He should understand my confusion and my deep desire for there to be no suffering, no abuse, no pain, no evil. And when I reflect on the garden of Eden, I do know that is what God wants for us.

I want the garden of Eden for everyone. Not the garden of evil this world has turned into – and is increasingly so – with all the increasing abuse, narcissism, selfishness, and toxicity in the world – I see so clearly occurring.

I can only hope God has some bigger plan and reason than I can capable of knowing. I actually really want that to be the situation – because I cannot cope with thinking all this abuse and evil and suffering – is part of His plan.

I can only hope God hates all this suffering, as much as I do. More than I do. Much more.

I had a dream about the garden of Eden recently. It was a beautiful, serene, peaceful place. Some might say this dream is from God – to remind me of what’s to come. I’m not saying it is, because I don’t know. And I don’t have those grandiose needs to think God would choose to give me certain dreams. Why I had this dream – I don’t know. I have not been praying to God, and we are supposed to pray to God – to ask for what we want.

Does God choose to help us, even when we have turned our backs on Him? Who knows?

Again, if God is bigger and far more complex than our human understanding of Him -how can we know what He chooses to do?

I realise reading back this post – which is confusing and disjointed – that it very much reflects where I am at with this. Confused.

My thoughts when confused – look like this. A jumbled mess. With my thoughts and emotions racing around – and there are many – all conflicting with each other.

confusion

But, it’s all I am capable of right now. And even typing this sentence – the thoughts of the mustard seed come into my mind. Is this Jesus or God helping me. Is this God saying it’s okay to be confused? Just keep that flicker of hope in Him? Continue reading


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Christianity… and suffering being good?

This post is purely for my own journaling, and not meant to reflect anyone’s else’s thoughts. Please do not read anymore, if confusion about God may be upsetting.

I’m definitely having a crisis of faith at the moment. I’m rambling in this post, because this is where my head is at – total confusion, fear, anxiety, stressed, and too many triggers.

I read an article by a Christian who believes we are meant to suffer and that is what God wants. In fact, he went on to say – the more we suffer – the more we are like Christ and therefore, we should rejoice in our suffering and thank God for it. And apparently we will be ‘greater rewarded in heaven’.

I can’t get my head around this type of thinking. It’s really bothering me. Because I’m scared it might be true…..? I’m also scared I will not find adequate answers to all this.

I don’t equate suffering – with love. I don’t equate abuse – with love. And it’s taken me years of really hard work to get to this point.

So why does God allow suffering, when He could stop it all? How does He watch something heinous – like a baby being abused to death, and not intervene? How does He allow paedophiles, serial rapists, serial killers – to keep carrying out their heinous abusive needs and not intervene? Just… you know watches….. and does….. nothing to stop it….?

Why did God create a world, where so much suffering would occur? Why did He create evil? Did He create evil? If He created everything – then He created evil/sin? Why? Why want to do that, knowing it would create suffering? Why knowing people would be starving to death. Children suffering to death.

It makes no sense to me. Not when you are supposed to reconcile that with a loving God.

Suffering and being thankful for it, seems to be a part of many Christian people’s beliefs. And also the reason many walk away from their faith. And I can see why – when it does appear that God allows us to suffer – and at the same time we are to worship Him. For letting us….. suffer? Huh!?

No wonder so many church people are abusive – to women, children, the congregation, LGBTIQ. It seems abuse is okay for many church people. After all it appears God models allowing His children being abused and not intervening. And suffering being good. So therefore, e.g. making our children suffer, is being Godly? Really? No wonder too many church people beat/hit their children and tell them ‘that’s love’. *shudder. No wonder they hate on the LGBTIQ community – that’s what they think God does too.

And you know the church belief many parrot – “if God brings you to it – he’ll bring you through it”. So in other words, whatever you endure, God wants to happen to you. It’s apparently all part of His master plan. That we are not to really understand. But should just accept.

I’m not good at accepting things that are red flags.

I’m not good at accepting things I do not understand.

And allowing abuse to happen – especially to children…. plus not intervening…… and telling abuse survivors they ‘needed’ to be abused and that abuse and suffering is good ………. are really fucking big red flags. That I am not able to ignore.

And I know, some people will say – you look at Jesus and what He modelled. Again – God let Jesus suffer. He allowed it. And we are to model Jesus. And want to be like Him……….. apparently including suffering like Him? And not intervening…?

I was thinking about this (I am every day at the moment) – and as I was scrolling through social media, a post about voluntary euthanasia came up. Now, I know most church people will be against this. They will say ‘God decides when we die, not us’. So again….. Continue reading


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The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.

I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”

My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.

But, did I?

It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.

I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.

I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.

sad-woman

 

I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?

But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.

It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.

And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.

I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.   Continue reading


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‘Broken Places’ – Plumb

An amazing survivor, emailed me the link to this song and I really love it. I am so thankful.

I want to share it with others, who are struggling on this healing and faith journey ❤