Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Christianity… and suffering being good?

This post is purely for my own journaling, and not meant to reflect anyone’s else’s thoughts. Please do not read anymore, if confusion about God may be upsetting.

I’m definitely having a crisis of faith at the moment. I’m rambling in this post, because this is where my head is at – total confusion, fear, anxiety, stressed, and too many triggers.

I read an article by a Christian who believes we are meant to suffer and that is what God wants. In fact, he went on to say – the more we suffer – the more we are like Christ and therefore, we should rejoice in our suffering and thank God for it. And apparently we will be ‘greater rewarded in heaven’.

I can’t get my head around this type of thinking. It’s really bothering me. Because I’m scared it might be true…..? I’m also scared I will not find adequate answers to all this.

I don’t equate suffering – with love. I don’t equate abuse – with love. And it’s taken me years of really hard work to get to this point.

So why does God allow suffering, when He could stop it all? How does He watch something heinous – like a baby being abused to death, and not intervene? How does He allow paedophiles, serial rapists, serial killers – to keep carrying out their heinous abusive needs and not intervene? Just… you know watches….. and does….. nothing to stop it….?

Why did God create a world, where so much suffering would occur? Why did He create evil? Did He create evil? If He created everything – then He created evil/sin? Why? Why want to do that, knowing it would create suffering? Why knowing people would be starving to death. Children suffering to death.

It makes no sense to me. Not when you are supposed to reconcile that with a loving God.

Suffering and being thankful for it, seems to be a part of many Christian people’s beliefs. And also the reason many walk away from their faith. And I can see why – when it does appear that God allows us to suffer – and at the same time we are to worship Him. For letting us….. suffer? Huh!?

No wonder so many church people are abusive – to women, children, the congregation, LGBTIQ. It seems abuse is okay for many church people. After all it appears God models allowing His children being abused and not intervening. And suffering being good. So therefore, e.g. making our children suffer, is being Godly? Really? No wonder too many church people beat/hit their children and tell them ‘that’s love’. *shudder. No wonder they hate on the LGBTIQ community – that’s what they think God does too.

And you know the church belief many parrot – “if God brings you to it – he’ll bring you through it”. So in other words, whatever you endure, God wants to happen to you. It’s apparently all part of His master plan. That we are not to really understand. But should just accept.

I’m not good at accepting things that are red flags.

I’m not good at accepting things I do not understand.

And allowing abuse to happen – especially to children…. plus not intervening…… and telling abuse survivors they ‘needed’ to be abused and that abuse and suffering is good ………. are really fucking big red flags. That I am not able to ignore.

And I know, some people will say – you look at Jesus and what He modelled. Again – God let Jesus suffer. He allowed it. And we are to model Jesus. And want to be like Him……….. apparently including suffering like Him? And not intervening…?

I was thinking about this (I am every day at the moment) – and as I was scrolling through social media, a post about voluntary euthanasia came up. Now, I know most church people will be against this. They will say ‘God decides when we die, not us’. So again….. Continue reading


The Toxic Shame Of The Ultimate Betrayal ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

At my last counselling session, something was said that made me realise, I still deep down believe I deserve all the abuse. I was discussing ongoing issues I have in my life, that are not okay and impact my wellbeing and my healing.

I said “don’t I now deserve to have genuine love, compassion, honesty, integrity, someone who has my back, non selfish behaviours, someone who actually cares about my needs and what I’ve endured?”

My counsellor replied, “you always deserved that”.

But, did I?

It was one of those moments, where I could see what those statements meant. I do believe on some level – I deserve a real and genuine relationship based upon trust, honesty, love, compassion etc ‘now’….. but it’s like I feel all I have previously endured, was in some way deserved.

I do know I am supposed to truly believe I never deserved to be abused. I do try to believe I always deserved a good childhood, good parents, good partners. But, I still only know this on some intellectual level, but not on a deeper emotional level. And I truly believe this for other people, and I tell them so.

I know this is still related to shame. That toxic and insidious shame, that years of abuse can create, that is woven into the very fabric of your being.



I know I still don’t understand why some people get good parents, good childhoods and others don’t? Why some have normal lives, and some have horrific trauma?

But, this shame goes deeper than that. When I start thinking about this, I start wondering why it seems God loves some people more than others? Because He creates us. He knows what we will endure. It feels still, like the ultimate betrayal. From my heavenly Father. And that in itself, creates more of that toxic shame, that makes me believe I must have deserved it. After all, it is what God chose for me to be born into.

It’s really painful, and adds to my abandonment, betrayal, not good enough, toxic shame issues.

And no-one has an answer, that adequately explains why God chooses who each of us end up with as family. Why did He decide I deserved my family? Why was I not good enough for love, protection, kindness, compassion? And because there is no answer that makes sense, or explains it in a way that shows God loves me, as much as people He chooses to have good families, I can’t get past this issue.

I’m a deep thinker, who is not appeased by shallow beliefs, or being told to just accept it, or by thinking that makes no sense to me. Or by being told abuse is love. Or that I just have to believe something that just seems like a big red flag.   Continue reading

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I need to hear and read more of God. Part of self care too.

I am aware, I need to hear and read more of God. I know I need it, I know I want to grow in God’s wisdom, and I know this is what God wants and I know it is part of my ongoing life of spiritual growth and my lifelong student needs.

So, today, I started reading a book which has been sat collecting dust for months, by an author I really enjoy reading – Carolyn Custis James. Her book ‘When Life and Beliefs Collide’ – was ‘wow’! I enjoyed and learned so much from that book, about women, about dealing with hardship and suffering, about the wrong beliefs of women’s roles within marriage, church, society etc.

So, I bought ‘Lost Women Of The Bible’…….and it has not yet been read.

But, I am reading it. And I have only read 40 pages – and I love it already! She is a smart woman. I like that. Continue reading

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Self Flagellation…..there are many ways to self harm., hurt oneself….but this is not what God wants.


This just came to me….thank you Jesus❤

Self harm….something many participate in and have many reasons for this. All shame based.

It’s interesting and sad how wrong so many church people can get what God wants, and how much He loves us.

He doesn’t want anyone to hurt themselves. And certainly not to prove our love for Him. God is pure, perfect love. This does not require us hurting ourselves, for Him. Yes, be uncomfortable, act with courage, spiritual integrity, wisdom….but not get really hurt in the process, harming healing and wellbeing. I do know God does not want or expect that at all.

Self harm, is not only the religious practices some participate in. There are many, emotional, spiritual, psychological forms of self harm, and I have several. I had even more in the past. And it is weird that I still crave some of the ones I no longer participate in.

I know my deep desire to do what is needed for God….can put me into the non healthy boundary area, of thinking it is okay if I get hurt, to do what is right for God.

But, I do need to question myself about this. This cannot become an excuse, to harm myself. That will be an idol – my need to self harm, not at all what God wants. And I do not want to be worshipping my need to self harm. Because, I know what God wants, is absolutely perfect for what we need. Continue reading